April 1 2014

April 1 2014

Greetings My Friend,

One of the first things I asked God as I became a true believer was that He would teach me to love even if that love hurt. God has taught me to love and yes I have deep hurt with some of those I love. I am grateful to learn how to love in healthy loving ways instead of being the enabler that I tend to be.

I still have my enabler tendencies for sure. God often teaches me when to pull back and even Junior tends to help me to not give just to give and thus not keep people mired in their struggle. I learn that I am wanted even if I am not enabling people and that is so freeing.

I tend to attempt to please people to the point of losing my own identity. In my unhealthy way of thinking I think people will like me if I say “yes” to anything and everything. Actually people get irritated with this behavior pattern.

I had a co worker one time who I listened to as she made plans for the weekend with a friend. She was telling her friend “yes” and the rest of us that she did not want to go. She strung this friend along for some time before she finally backed out. This co worker did this often. I got to know her pattern rather quickly and that was my start to being upfront and saying “no.” It was hard but I saw how her attempting to be pleasing was really annoying to those who ran with her. They knew that “yes” meant “no.”

The Bible teaches “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” I attempt to keep this in mind as I make plans or do for others. As a parent I learned that we needed to do what we told our children we would do. I had to set the example.

Lately Junior and I have found that in some ways we were being enablers. We did not mean to be but as we looked over a situation we saw our enabling ways with this person. She had an emergency to her. Then she had another emergency and then we had our own life to deal with.

We gave money and insisted that before she asked for more that she had to pay us what she owed us. She had several times where she borrowed money then payed for a portion then had an emergency. She was up to her third or fourth emergency and now she owed us a few hundred dollars. This time Junior lent her the money and then told her no more money until we received all of what she borrowed back.

We have had this lady spend days with us and she would stay in our spare bedroom when she came. I have tried to not look into her room. We called it her room. Our friend called with one more emergency with her eyes and needed us to drive an hour to her house and then an hour and a half to the eye doctor. Doing this would take most of a day. The day she wanted us to take her was a doctor appointment for Junior which was an hour in the opposite direction. He would have been on the road three hours before getting to her house. The appointment was necessary. He did not want to cancel. The answer was “no.”

She called again the next day wanting him to drive her. That was the day I was having a scope put down my throat. Again it was an hour in the opposite direction. I was at the hospital until early afternoon and driving our friend was not possible. We had to say “no” again.

It has been a couple of weeks since we have heard from her. Calling her is next to impossible. She has a free cell phone with limited minutes and they often get used up so calling her is next to impossible. I tend to wait for her to contact me at this point. She has given us some neighbors phone numbers but they often say they have not seen her and don't volunteer to contact her.

I love this woman a bunch but I can't be everything to her. Junior can't either. She also tells us each time she sees us that she must get her house in order. She is a hoarder. We've known her for several years now and she is still saying the same thing and very little has been done to get the house in order.

I have told her I don't want to hear that she has too anymore. I want to hear what she has accomplished. She does the same thing about church. She is going and each Sunday she is here she does not go. She is going to pick up her room and very little has been done. I have taken to asking her several times a day if she has done one thing, one bag of trash etc.

We are on day number two of cleaning out her room. We should be able to get it in order and swept and dusted. Both Junior and I have trouble working straight through a project anymore. We work, stop and then start again. This project is a project that will take us two days and we are good with that. Today we will finish up this room.

Loving our friend means we need to hold her accountable. I don't like to hold her accountable because that means I need to be firm and insist she does what needs to be done. She cancels almost every doctor appointment and then reschedules. She has to “feel” right about going. At this point I plan my appointments and then I refuse to change them for her emergencies.

Loving is hard work at times. It is uncomfortable as well. It is for their best and it is worth doing the uncomfortable thing. It is Agape love in motion. It is seeking their highest good.

Are you an enabler? Is it time to stop? I have learned that people do need help. There is also a moment where you are not helping but enabling a person to stay in their dysfunction. That line can be hard to draw but if you love them enough then you will do your best to hold them accountable.

May God Bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 29 2014

March 28 2014

Greetings My Friend,

This week has been such a productive week for me. Monday I reorganized our bathroom. We've been here 3 years now. The bathroom stuff has collected and has not been gone through. I found mouse, hair clips and even brushes I had forgotten I even had. It was time to get rid of stuff. I reorganized shelves and put my favorite new organizational strategy to use.

I love baskets and I have them all over our home. They hold stuff and keep the clutter down. I did Junior's TV chair area a few weeks ago and of course there is a basket for him to throw junk mail or old magazines in. There is a basket he can put bills in and then take out when he wants to pay bills. I have one with snacks, the remote control along with Daisy's comb, scissors and such.

I cleaned off a step ladder that Junior nailed a board onto the 2^nd step and I have found a couple of baskets to use for drawers on that as well. Even the fur children have a basket for their toys. I have a basket for shoes as I come inside from being outside. Well right now it is a cardboard box but I am on the lookout for the right basket.

Today Junior and I cleaned out the spare bedroom. It has gotten to be a catch all and it was time to bring that mess under control. We got half way through the process and both of us were tired so we should be able to finish up tomorrow.

My trip to the neurologist did not give answers as of yet. I expected that. They took a different blood panel in the hopes of finding out what is going on. My friend P mentioned that I may never get a full answer. This is what she has found. If I don't my thought is I have done everything I can to be on top of what is going on. At this point it is not MS. This too is good.

It was a 2 hr. drive to the doctor's office yesterday. We got there early and had lunch at a nice restaurant. After that we saw the doctor. I got my blood work done and it was time to head home. I noticed that Junior had glazed over eyes. He was starting to speak in one word sentences. He told me he did not know where he was.

To say I was concerned is putting it mildly. Junior is a map kind of guy. He loves figuring out how to get to places and the like. I am still confused when we head out of our area a few hours. I have been trying to figure out where we are at so if I need to drive. Junior does not always take the same route which confuses me further. So he did not know where he was and I did not know either.

Thank God for friends. I called P and our Youth Minister asking for directions. They got me on track and I was able to direct Junior back home. He did not want me to drive and as I watched him he was handling the driving part fairly well. That helped me since we got back after dark and I can't even see after dark.

When we came home Junior went straight to bed. When I tried to give him his bed time medication he would not take them. As I went to bed a few hours later I kissed him and asked him if he would take his medication. This time he said “yes.”

I got up this morning and Junior was his old self again. Thank the Lord. I had been asking God all along to help me deal with this strange behavior and frankly I kept getting answers with each step.

When I got in I called P and she thought that Junior was over tired or overwhelmed. As I look back at the last few days I saw that Junior was absorbing some hard information. Talking about my medical struggles and that they could be serious was what took him over the edge I believe.

After praying I got up and had a talk with Junior. I asked him about yesterday and he could recount everything right up to the visit with the doctor. He was distant as I went for blood work and then as we left I started seeing his change in character.

As I related the last part of our day to Junior he did not remember anything I told him. I mentioned that I called people who helped me to direct us home. At this point Junior said this is not the first time he has shut down in this manner. After his time in the military he bought a motorcycle. When things were overwhelming he would get on his bike and ride to the point he ran out of gas. At that point he came out of his fog and had no idea of where he was.

We have been together 16 years now and this is the first time I have encountered this behavior pattern. Junior has for the most part dealt with those moments and has moved out of them. He did not mention them to me or if he had I did not understand. Anyway now I will know to get him to get some sleep before we continue on. I am so happy that Junior still has his right mind at this point.

Once more I must say that God was what kept me from being “too”. I would have wanted to take charge and not let Junior drive. I would have asked him a million questions. I took over and gave him directions. He listened and he drove quiet well. I watched him look for on coming traffic when he pulled out onto the road and such.

When we got to more curvy and hilly areas he did his shifting back and forth between drive and low. He did it automatically. As I asked Junior if he wanted me to drive he kept saying no that he wanted to drive. As I heard about his early bouts with this I realized that driving is what helped him to focus and that helped him to calm down.

I believe that P being home to answer my call was God's hand on us. I believe the Minister answering my call was God's hand on us. I believe God gave me the whits to take charge to an extent and to let Junior drive.

I also told Junior that I rose to the challenge. I wasn't trying to be snippy but Junior worries that if he weren't around I would not be able to handle life. I told him that I took charge as I needed to and handled the situation. He felt better as well.

Today Junior has helped me in the spare room, worked on renovating things around the house, sorted through the mail and I have done my jobs as well. Thank you Lord.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 22 2014

March 22 2014

Greetings My Friend,

The theme playing around in my mind today is “I love my boring life.” Poor Junior was told he was boring by some of the women he dated prior to meeting me. I had lived drama for so long that boring began to sound real nice and when I met Junior I told him “I am looking for boring.”

I tell Junior often that I love our boring life. Gone are the days of drama and fighting and despair. I am thankful for each boring day these days. Thankfulness begins to play around in my heart more and more. I find myself saying “thank you” often. I say it to Junior, to our pets, to God and I even try to say how thankful I am to others. I am that thankful.

Prior to this “Thankful” place in my life I felt despair. I was always seeking that point in life where all the pieces lined up and worked out “just right.” Little did I know that being thankful was a huge part in unlocking the key to despair. As I learned to see all that I truly had I began to not focus on what I did not have. I began to see the smallest things as a gift.

My blanket to snuggle into as I sit, a hug from Junior, a fur child excited to see me and my list goes on. These things move me today. I fell into the trap that possessions were what made life right. I also thought those possessions were what gave me acknowledgment and respect. People will either like me or they won't. This is hard for me to fathom. I want everyone to love me and I want to love everyone. If I struggle liking a person I figure it is me and I try harder to like that person.

As I retired and moved I began to feel unwanted by my family. I began to be unsure of “me” as a likeable person. God stepped beside me and He began showing me my worth. My career was not what defined me. My being a wife and mother did not define me. God began to define me and the more He showed me my qualities the more I wanted to please God and I started to let go of what others thought of me.

As I learned to please God I started seeing my qualities as a human being. I saw that I am not like every other person. I am unique and I am reaching a group of people with the talents I have. My uniqueness became comforting to me. I began to like me just the way I am.

I started writing, my writing talent grew as I wrote. In that writing I also discovered “me” in a more intimate way. My past abuse did leave nasty marks on me. I also saw the “survivor” in me. I was learning to be proud of what I overcame – in the Lord. This process took many years. I grow, fall back and then start again. As I started over again I found that I had moved forward quite a bit.

Part of my surviving has taken me decades to overcome. As God walked me through various moments of my abuse I learned and grew. I then was able to let go more fully so the long walk was wearisome at times. In the end I am grateful for each and every step I have taken.

The more I learned to be thankful I found peace and acceptance of where I am in life. The more I was comfortable with life the more I grew. Junior started teaching me right away about living quietly and not looking for attention. It was foreign to me and at first I resorted to drama. As I learned to give up drama I found that quiet unassuming life to be rather pleasant and peaceful.

Today I still have moments where I hurt. I often continue to feel rejected. God continues to give me work to do. He places people in my life that enjoy me for the person I am. There is something about coming home from a day of errands and having fur children clamoring to greet me. It is finding that the little things in life are way more precious than status symbols abound.

I find God is always “providing” for me. Some nights as I go to sleep I marvel at what I have been given so that I can have health and comfort. I start off with my Chiropractic pillow. These days neck pain is minimal due to this pillow. Then there is the bite splint. I don't wake up with an aching jaw anymore due to this device. A body pillow trains me to pull my shoulder down as I hug it at night and I wake up with less stress in my neck. Then the CPAP machine has allowed me to sleep better at night. As I have slept better I find I can think again, I am able to do things since my day and night aren't spent trying to get desperately needed sleep.

Giving my fatigue a name “Chronic Fatigue” has helped me to name my struggle and then to take steps to deal with it. As I deal with it I find I am entering into day to day life again. I know certain things will wear me out. These days I know to sit and then start over as my energy comes back.

I am thankful for each step that I have taken. I am thankful for each new day. I am thankful for the smallest gifts in life. I thank God fairly much daily. I thank Junior for being Junior often. I thank God for fur children to love. They give my day meaning and purpose and as I enter into their needs I begin to meet the need of being a woman. I clean more, cook more, exercise more and I find great joy in striving to meet Junior's needs.

What would life be like without being thankful? It would be colorless, unforgiving and flat out full of despair.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you

Love

Janet

March 25 2014

March 25 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Today I am attempting to read my computer screen and the words are real blurry. It is not the computer but my eyes. I'd like to feel sorry for myself. I am grateful that I can see enough to make out the words and to write.

I am still losing my food not nearly as often but it still comes back up. I am grateful it is not like it was before the scope. The medicine seems to be helping so overall I am not in the discomfort I was in. I am grateful for medication. I am grateful for the internet so I can learn a bit about the surgery to remove the hernia. I will talk to the surgeon, my doctor and the research should help me with my decision when I am ready to decide.

We have not had the zero and below weather in a few weeks. I am grateful that time has passed. I am grateful we have several sources to get heat. I am grateful for the blanket to wrap myself in as I write and such.

The dogs had a bark fest after Junior left for the dentist and I was still sleeping. Being annoyed is putting it mildly. Still as Mindy sits beside me and several of the other dogs nap quietly I am grateful for their protective nature, their friendly nature.

I guess my theme today is “look on the bright side” because life could be so much more worse. I can focus on all the “ain't it awful” moments or I can see the beauty in every awful situation. When I choose to see the good, I find I am more light hearted and accepting. I am not besot of worry and anger and all the negative crud life seems to want me to accept.

I am an optimist. I am hopeful. I need these moments to see the “good” in life in order to keep on keeping on. In another lifetime I attempted optimism but I think it was really “wishing.” I wished things would quit, I held out hope they would stop and in the end life kept hurtling more painful moments at me.

As I accepted Jesus as my Savior though my “wishing” turned into real hope. My striving to make life better began to be a reality. I slowly learned how to “hear” God's voice. I kept giving God my heart as honestly as I could. Sometimes I would cry. Soon though I began moving past the pain and started doing as I was told – obeying really.

I kept feeling God's love and that love gave me courage to face the difficult moments life thew my way. As I retired I found my being going into all kinds of struggles, emotionally and even physically. I felt like I was in a paper bag and could not fight my way out of it. As I worked through one struggle another one replaced it.

I have to admit it was God that helped me through several years of struggling. There were moments I would rather stay in bed, not face the day and totally give up. Each day as I entered into prayer time I found myself attempting one more thing. All of a sudden I had a new family doctor who seems to “hear” my struggles and then put me on track. One by one the struggles began to go away and if new ones came we figured them out as well.

At this point I often wonder how people who don't have a faith in Jesus ever make it through life. For me prior to my faith I felt overwhelmed. I tried hard to be positive and to stay positive. I always attempted to see the good in any situation. Then depression would overtake me and soon I found myself pulling back.

I still have the desire to pull back these days but as I feel God's love and I embrace Jesus' resurrection I begin to feel I will move through whatever struggle I am in. My “hope” these days is knowing there will be another side of that struggle and I will even find the struggle worth it. I will find a day where I will look back in awe and amazement. I will understand that I did not do this on my own but God walked with me each step of the way.

I have come to accept that life will not be without its share of struggles. I am comforted by the fact that I will never ever be alone. As I look at God being faithful I tend to see that He is always right beside me, guiding me and holding me. The woman who felt so alone and unwanted of yesteryear is very secure in her being these days.

“I am a child of the King,” plays around in my thoughts. I feel precious, special and to die for. Jesus loved me enough to die for me. There are those who love me and those that don't. These days I don't focus on not being loved, liked or wanted by man. I am wanted by God the Most High God, the one and only true God.

What is your “hope?”

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 21 2014

March 22 2014

Greetings My Friend,

The theme playing around in my mind today is “I love my boring life.” Poor Junior was told he was boring by some of the women he dated prior to meeting me. I had lived drama for so long that boring began to sound real nice and when I met Junior I told him “I am looking for boring.”

I tell Junior often that I love our boring life. Gone are the days of drama and fighting and despair. I am thankful for each boring day these days. Thankfulness begins to play around in my heart more and more. I find myself saying “thank you” often. I say it to Junior, to our pets, to God and I even try to say how thankful I am to others. I am that thankful.

Prior to this “Thankful” place in my life I felt despair. I was always seeking that point in life where all the pieces lined up and worked out “just right.” Little did I know that being thankful was a huge part in unlocking the key to despair. As I learned to see all that I truly had I began to not focus on what I did not have. I began to see the smallest things as a gift.

My blanket to snuggle into as I sit, a hug from Junior, a fur child excited to see me and my list goes on. These things move me today. I fell into the trap that possessions were what made life right. I also thought those possessions were what gave me acknowledgment and respect. People will either like me or they won't. This is hard for me to fathom. I want everyone to love me and I want to love everyone. If I struggle liking a person I figure it is me and I try harder to like that person.

As I retired and moved I began to feel unwanted by my family. I began to be unsure of “me” as a likeable person. God stepped beside me and He began showing me my worth. My career was not what defined me. My being a wife and mother did not define me. God began to define me and the more He showed me my qualities the more I wanted to please God and I started to let go of what others thought of me.

As I learned to please God I started seeing my qualities as a human being. I saw that I am not like every other person. I am unique and I am reaching a group of people with the talents I have. My uniqueness became comforting to me. I began to like me just the way I am.

I started writing, my writing talent grew as I wrote. In that writing I also discovered “me” in a more intimate way. My past abuse did leave nasty marks on me. I also saw the “survivor” in me. I was learning to be proud of what I overcame – in the Lord. This process took many years. I grow, fall back and then start again. As I started over again I found that I had moved forward quite a bit.

Part of my surviving has taken me decades to overcome. As God walked me through various moments of my abuse I learned and grew. I then was able to let go more fully so the long walk was wearisome at times. In the end I am grateful for each and every step I have taken.

The more I learned to be thankful I found peace and acceptance of where I am in life. The more I was comfortable with life the more I grew. Junior started teaching me right away about living quietly and not looking for attention. It was foreign to me and at first I resorted to drama. As I learned to give up drama I found that quiet unassuming life to be rather pleasant and peaceful.

Today I still have moments where I hurt. I often continue to feel rejected. God continues to give me work to do. He places people in my life that enjoy me for the person I am. There is something about coming home from a day of errands and having fur children clamoring to greet me. It is finding that the little things in life are way more precious than status symbols abound.

I find God is always “providing” for me. Some nights as I go to sleep I marvel at what I have been given so that I can have health and comfort. I start off with my Chiropractic pillow. These days neck pain is minimal due to this pillow. Then there is the bite splint. I don't wake up with an aching jaw anymore due to this device. A body pillow trains me to pull my shoulder down as I hug it at night and I wake up with less stress in my neck. Then the CPAP machine has allowed me to sleep better at night. As I have slept better I find I can think again, I am able to do things since my day and night aren't spent trying to get desperately needed sleep.

Giving my fatigue a name “Chronic Fatigue” has helped me to name my struggle and then to take steps to deal with it. As I deal with it I find I am entering into day to day life again. I know certain things will wear me out. These days I know to sit and then start over as my energy comes back.

I am thankful for each step that I have taken. I am thankful for each new day. I am thankful for the smallest gifts in life. I thank God fairly much daily. I thank Junior for being Junior often. I thank God for fur children to love. They give my day meaning and purpose and as I enter into their needs I begin to meet the need of being a woman. I clean more, cook more, exercise more and I find great joy in striving to meet Junior's needs.

What would life be like without being thankful? It would be colorless, unforgiving and flat out full of despair.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you

Love

Janet

March 20 2014

March 20 2014

Greetings My Friend,

For our anniversary each year we tend to buy a couple gift. Junior tends to panic when he has to do gift buying and this helps him out. I also like that we decide on a gift and get it together. Last year we were in MI for our anniversary so we ate at a favorite restaurant. We celebrated our love and our time as a couple. It worked out real nice. That was about all we did. We were in MI enjoying family and friends so it was also a celebration of our life.

This year we are thinking about getting a WII system. I am thinking I can do my increments of exercise which is what works for me at this point. I can change programs which speaks to my need to change often. I am excited.

Yesterday I had Junior feel my arm muscle and my stomach muscle. Both are far from being extremely firm but I can feel a muscle working it's way through the fat. That felt good. He gave me the accolades I was looking for. He tells me often that I am doing a good job. I believe he finally is getting my need to have something to watch while I am on the elliptical and different types of exercises due to a short attention span.

As he has watched me go from total sitting and not moving back to the woman I've been only slower I believe he finally understands the way I do life. I love organizing things. It thrills me to no end. He seems to understand that I need this in order to function and accomplish things. Actually I've learned this about me as well.

Sticking to a strict schedule when I had a family to watch after allowed me to accomplish much. Getting everyone through one bathroom was a challenge. For me I got up first and showered. This helped me to wake up and organize my thoughts and day.

Today I need to sit for a couple of hours. This is a lot of my writing time, Bible study time and the like. It works out real well for me. I am on the computers, changing programs and such which fits that need to change every so often.

For a while I was allowing people's comments to define me. I felt so inadequate. I found myself in despair. One day as I was upset that I could be so strange although most of my life I had not felt strange I found myself talking to God. God reminded me that He made me the way I am. As I absorbed this fact I began to find that I truly liked “me” just the way I was.

I felt that if God created me to be this way then I was indeed OK. Life began to feel great again. I recalled a friend who started saying that she was a child of the King. That made me feel special. As I feel special in the Lord's eye I like me even more so. I am not better than anybody else. I am me and I am unique and it feels great.

My goal is to listen to God these days. He has taught me how to walk away from being abused. He has taught me what “healthy” looks like and then has placed me in a healthy marriage. I am with the man God wants me with. I marvel at my and Junior's story. We have a lot of the same background in many ways. We understand certain hurts like no one else can.

Again my goal is ask God to teach me to be the wife Junior needs. I have lots of ideas of what I would like to give to my husband. Most of those would not meet Junior's needs. As I learn to listen to God's direction I find our relationship growing. I also am able to see underneath Junior's hard core shell. He seems hard. His heart is about as tender as a heart can be. He hides beneath a layer of hardness so he won't get hurt. I get it. I love that I can seek that tender spot and I can love it. God shows me how.

Junior is willing to listen to me. For a long time he thought I was being lazy flat out lazy. As I heard him comment once too often I began telling him I did not want to hear his comments. As time went by I began getting answers and today Junior fully gets my struggle. I believe God has been directing Junior to meet my need as well.

Today Junior will tell people that I have Chronic Fatigue. He understands that my not being able to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time was sleep apnea. Now that I am on the CPAP machine I sleep better. I still have up and down moments but I tend to sleep a full 8 hrs. or more most nights. In that my energy is also starting to come back.

Junior loves that I am now cleaning house again and cooking. He is thrilled I am working out more and more. We pray that we will see 50 years of marriage. We realize that staying in shape and eating right will help us meet this goal – God willing. I have always done some sort of exercise routine. I am back to that again and I feel strength returning. I like that a lot.

I truly would love to do water aerobics. There isn't an indoor pool around our home for me to go to. I have had to readjust my desire. These days it is an elliptical, an arm weight and hopefully soon a WII system. This summer I hope to do part of my workout outside. I love the greenery. I love walking along with the dogs.

As I sleep better my brain thinks better again. As I exercise I sense my cognitive abilities are growing again. I can't do the work I was doing at the bank when I retired but I am thinking better than I have been. I am good with that.

God has brought me to this point and somehow I believe He will take me even further. Life is sweet in the Lord.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 18 2014

March 18 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Yesterday I had the scope put down my throat to look at my stomach. It is the same result as the last time they looked at it. My symptoms have gotten worse and now I am on a second medication. I am 60 years old and I wonder if the list of medications will grow. Right now I am on 3 medications. That to me is enough.

I take supplements as well. I watch Junior and his health. He worked in a chemical factory for 38 years and he could easily have many issues related to all those chemicals. He does pretty good actually. He has a bad back, is minus a foot and has PTSD. Compared to me though he is doing real well. He mainly goes for well check ups with his doctor. He is checking into hearing aids though, still not bad. Junior has taken supplements for years and frankly I think that is why his health is doing so good.

He also does some form of exercise fairly much daily. Sometimes he does back stretches and lifts hand weights. Sometimes we walk down our country lane and now many days find him doing a half hour on the elliptical. He does something and many times several things each day to several days a week.

This fall and winter I have finally been able to build up my exercise time again. I am up to 25 minutes 4-6 days a week. I have to do it in 10 minute increments but I do 25 minutes. My goal is 30 minutes on the elliptical and then begin another routine.

I am starting to feel some muscle in my stomach and on my arms. Junior felt them today and gave me the “great job” accolades I was looking for. I have done some sort of exercise for most of my life. The last 20 years before retirement I mainly walked on my breaks at work.

As chronic fatigue set in on me I found it harder and harder to exercise. Some days I would make myself walk down the country lane only to come back so exhausted. The next day I would not walk and attempt to do housework to find I could do nothing but sit.

Even as we moved to our home we are in now I attempted to walk the country lane only to find that I could never build up to a half hour walk. One day I made the walk and the next it was all I could do to get up the first hill. This winter is the first time in many years I have been able to build up a routine and stick to it.

Once more I give God the glory. He has lead me step by step through each struggle until I have found fairly good health and energy. I still have a few things to deal with but that over whelming tiredness and in ability to go is gone. I see where God led me to VA, to where we live, to my doctor/doctor's and to supplements that have brought me this measure of health.

It has been a very long journey but today I am content, energetic to a fair degree and life is sweet. I don't have nightmares because I have learned to talk to God all night long and into the morning wake up time. I find a huge comfort in this.

My marriage is still strong. Junior and I have grown more intimate and in love with each other. I feel safe and trust him like I have never trusted another human being. In the past I tended to put people on pedestals and frankly I worshiped them. I would not have thought I was but hindsight teaches me that is what I did.

I learned to feel God's love. The more I felt God's love, the more I absorbed His love and found myself being able to love the way God loves me. In doing this today I have much healthier relationships. I don't love out of neediness anymore. God loves me and that is enough. I get God's love and God tends to send me so much love through other people. It is not always my family either. Many times it is my community that I live in, new friends, old friends and the list goes on. I am blessed to be loved by God and others.

At one point in my life I felt old age was going to be lonely and very unfulfilling. As I entered into retirement I felt a calling to write. Today I spend several hours several days a week writing different sorts of things. I am keeping up with the housework again and love it. I am cooking frequently again and I enjoy that. As the kitchen comes along I see me more involved with baking, canning jams/jellies and continue making meals. I will add the kitchen and dining room to my schedule along with the enclosed porch which is our storage area.

I feel involved, useful and life could not be sweeter. I have health concerns like why am I still stumbling and falling down. Why am I winded easily? Junior comes along side of me and I find courage to face my struggles. God guides me as I ask for help. He guides me in the direction I need to go in. It helps and I feel valuable to God and to the human race.

I continue to believe that a faith walk with the Lord is the best way to do life.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 15 2014

March 15 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Who is this person that is saying these things? As I come home from church I replay my antics in Sunday school. I complained about Junior's hoarding, his slowness and I am ashamed of myself. I don't ever say anything negative to others about Junior.

Today I wrote a blog and I had an opinion and I was sharing it. It was negative in its approach. I don't like me this way and I am bewildered that it is coming out of me. My daily loosing my food is taking its toll on me is my guess. I lose food each time I eat. I don't lose an entire meal but I lose enough to be uncomfortable. The vomiting spasms also contribute to my attitude.

Generally I am a middle of the road type of person. I attempt to accept people where they are at. I want to be treated that way so I attempt to treat others that way. I know my flaws real well. I know how hard I have with God to overcome so many of them. I know others are going through this challenge as well so the negative talk is surprising to me.

I talk to God and ask Him to forgive me. I talk to myself and tell myself “enough already.” Part of the problem in life is admitting it. So now I've admitted it and I believe my attitude will settle back into the accepting person I long to be.

Once more I see the “journey” part in a faith journey. Overall I strive to walk day to day with God. I strive to give back as God gives to me and I strive to make life less about “me” and more about others. I realize I will always have moments where I will fall backwards. These days though it happens for a short period of time and then I am back at striving to be the person God wants me to be.

Knowing that I am forgiven helps me move forward. I asked God with a genuine heart and I feel His acceptance of my repentance. I also know that God does not want me dwelling on my mistake. I need to dust myself off and go at attempting to walk with Jesus again today.

As I ask for God to forgive me I find myself moving away from my attitude. I find myself looking at Junior and loving the man he is. I again see his heart. This morning all on his own without prompting he cleaned the kitchen table off. He even put a pretty table cloth on it. He did it for me I think more than for himself. He seems to know I had a need to see order and strove to meet that need.

Junior's hoarding is not way out of control in the house. He is working very hard to meet my need he is working to meet my need as hard as I am trying to meet his need. As we sit for our afternoon chat time and my exercise time I look at this man and am amazed at his handsomeness. We get a phone call from B and she has yet another need. This time it is hard for us to meet this need. We have things to deal with and it is impossible to drive her around for several hours. It just can't be done. He is honest with her.

I am amazed at his directness of it all. I would try to soft petal my refusal and latter I would find myself angry at being taken advantage of. It helps no one when I soft petal the situation. Junior has no problem being upfront about his denying help this time. I marvel at my man again.

Junior drifts off for his afternoon nap. I say my prayers and begin writing a new blog. I feel the attitude adjustment taking shape and I am liking me again. I look around and see the fur children are napping. My heart swells with pride as I cast my eyes over each child. I find comfort in the little things in life. This always amazes me. It is not the designer purse, the rock for my finger or a fancy car that will bring joy to my heart. It is fur children sleeping each on their own doggie bed. It is seeing Val cuddled into Junior's lap as he sleeps. It is waking up and seeing the table cleaned off.

I sinned. I hate that word but it is true I sinned. As I accept the fact and ask to be forgiven I find life to once more be pleasant and beautiful. I begin to think about the tasks I want to get done and soon I will enter into them. I also believe in my heart that I will guard my mouth in the future when I am not feeling good.

I also know there will be days I fall down. A few weeks ago I wrote an e-mail to my daughter and did not pray. I should have prayed but I wanted what I wanted and did what I wanted without stopping and asking God. I've learned from that as well.

I think of David. When Nathan the prophet confronted David with his sin, David immediately asked God to forgive him. He slept with another mans wife and had her husband killed. Those are pretty big sins in my book. I realize that the smallest sized sin and the largest sin are the same to God. Both are an affront to Him. To us we measure out our sins.

David asked to be forgiven. He and His new wife went on to have another child the first one died. This child became a great king and David lived close to God the rest of his life. If God can forgive David of his to me huge sin then God will forgive me of to me a little sin. That comforts me a lot. I find it easier to get up and try again.

I think I will keep praying, reading my Bible and attempting to walk close to God. God is gracious to forgive me if I am willing to admit my sin. I may pay a price like lung disease if I smoke but I can begin to walk close to God.

Many days the song “Give me Jesus” plays out in my heart.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 13 2014

March 13 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Growing up I knew that the Holy Spirit was part of the Trinity. I did not understand who He is though. I said the affirmations of faith with His name but I did not know who He was. For the longest time I just said the words and then moved on.

As I began my faith journey I found that I wanted to get to know the Holy Spirit. I asked a million questions in classes, to my friends and husband. I could not get “it.” I tried hard to wrap my brain around Him but I always came up empty. Then I decided that in my prayer time I was going to talk to Him like I talk to the Father and our Lord. It has helped me a bunch.

I have gone to churches that spoke in tongues. After the service the minister talks to me about how “tongues” is scriptural and I often find myself wondering again. As I continue reading my Bible year in and year out I begin to see that tongues is talked about. Paul says that tongues are good but he'd rather see us spreading the Good News. I begin to relax in my journey.

As I continue on in this journey I have moments that astound me. There was the time I was talking to my son and I was groping for the right words. All of a sudden the words came to me, they made sense and I marveled that I said the right thing at the right time. I was beginning to sense the Holy Spirit's movement within me.

As I began asking God to teach me to be the wife Junior needed and not a cookie cutter mold of a wife like I read about in magazines I started relating to Junior in a way that “spoke” to his heart. Sometimes his need was a beverage handed to him at a party or while he worked in the yard. Later I learned the times that I inadvertently said something and he was anxious. I learned that this was his PTSD struggle and I learned to not mention those things. The Holy Spirit was guiding me.

The more I prayed to all Three in the God head the more I saw each role of the God Head. God the Father is the male figure I had never met in a man. God the Father is tender, stern at times and always wants my best. He never seeks to destroy me.

Our Lord Jesus cares for me so much that He died for my sins and that opens the door for a personal relationship with the Father. Lord Jesus teaches me how to give to God the Father my whole inner being. He gives me a true hope a hope I had always longed for but did not know how to reach out and take of it. As I see our Lord reaching out to the UN-desirable people I see hope again and again as they “hear” His Words and then respond.

I begin to change in my actions, in my words and I marvel that fear, anger, unforgiving all leave me. They leave slowly but each time I walk away from a struggle I begin to not go back to it as often and soon not at all. I have more patience, more tolerance for other people. God gave to me first. I absorbed His love and then I began to live the love I have received.

I still have moments when I am rejected that I hurt deeply. These days talking to Father God though tends to help me move out of hurt and I am able to get up and move through life. Knowing that God the Father loves me and is always beside me gives me a confidence I had never known before.

I know each part of God these days. Sometimes I get that He is one and sometimes I tend to see 3 different individual parts of the one God. As I realize that I am a wife, a mother and a grandmother I tend to wrap my brain around God's three in one personality. I want Him to be 3 separate beings and I know He is not. Still I relate to three individual beings.

Lately I begin to absorb all three being one. This feels good. I sense I am walking deeper in my faith and that feels comforting. As I keep looking at my 3 in one person hood I begin to see God's three in one aspect as well. At present I am still praying to each God Head. It helps me in my faith journey to seek each part of God. I know though that He is One and I am comforted again and again.

I treat my grandchildren one way. I relate to Junior another way. As my children have grown into adults I find myself relating to them on another level. This points me back to God and His different aspects within Himself. I get it again.

As I absorb this lesson I know that God will teach me more lessons. I am older and I am still learning. I marvel and am grateful at the same time. Just because I am now a senior citizen no longer means that I am used up. I continue to find a purpose and a reason to enter into each and every day. As the hard times come I know that the other side of that will come as well. I know that I will seek God more and more. I learn to rely on Father God in the good times and the bad times.

Where is your focus?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 11 2014

March 11 2014

Greetings My Friend,

The date reminds me that tomorrow is our anniversary. It will be 16 years with Junior. He is the first man I trusted fully. He is the first man who has not tried to hurt me. For that reason alone I find that my love continues to grow for him.

We are 2 dysfunctional people who have each other not in dysfunction but in wholeness. Our wholeness comes from Jesus. Each day we start our day in prayer and Bible study. For me I read the Bible through and do a Bible study or two. Junior reads a chapter and contemplates it. My brain won't slow down enough for that but as I read through the Bible and do Bible studies I find myself growing. Two different approaches but they work.

Early on in our marriage I found myself reverting to some old patterns. We were in counseling at the time realizing that I needed to walk away from old patterns. My Mother had died and I was in charge of her estate. She had a checking account that I was to pay bills from. I did that and at the same time I felt obligated to give a portion to my brother. I felt that since he was poor it was my obligation to give him the money even if it meant that I had to pay her bills out of my own pocket. Junior insisted that I pay her bills first. The counselor insisted I not hand over the money as well.

I kept saying “but he is poor.” Junior kept insisting that I pay the bills. When the counselor agreed I began to readjust my thinking. As it was she did not have enough in her account to pay all her bills and I still wound up paying for a bill or two. As I absorbed this fact my counselor showed me that Junior was seeking my best. It was a sobering moment for me.

That is the point I earnestly began trusting Junior. These days when he suggests something I am not sure about I tend to go with his direction. Over and over again I find that Junior has good input for my well being.

I am dealing with some health issues. After the hospital stay recently I have started loosing a portion of everything I eat. I am going to see a surgeon to schedule a scope being inserted to look at my stomach. I asked Junior to accompany me so he could get the same information at the same time as I did. I am looking for his input as I deal with the potential surgery or other things I may need to do to resolve this matter. At times I get so much information that sorting through it all overwhelms me. Junior can be my sounding board and offer his insights which helps me greatly.

Junior will be by my side as I see a neurologist as well. Dusting cobwebs from the ceiling makes me so dizzy. Again this morning I tripped. I did not fall to the ground but these moments are happening more and more. Is it my birth defect? I don't know but my doctor wants me to have this doctor check into my struggle.

We are planning a trip to TN this weekend. It is 2-3 hrs from us and that is where there is more of the chain stores are that are not here in VA where we live. Our dates these days have taken on a new look. We don't need to go to a movie or a play like we did when we were younger. We do find our special alone time though and it works for us. Our time in our TV area as Junior looks at the mail and I exercise is precious. We enjoy down time from our days work by watching TV in the evenings. Our twice a month trips to TN for specialists and shopping are times we connect. We tend to eat at a better end restaurant as well. It is a treat and again we share a special moment.

We still take a vacation or two each year and I love it. As Junior sees an end in sight we are starting to plan on small getaways more often. That excites us both. We will explore this region more. We hope to have many more years of decent health so that all this is possible.

Our nutritionist has given me some supplements that quiet my brain down. I don't tend to blurt out each thought as it arises in my brain. I am not changing topics as I talk every few seconds. Junior loves to hoard. We definitely have our trying moments. For the first several years we were married we both were in counseling more for me but we both went at first. As my counselor taught me to look to Junior and as we learned to pray for our marriage we found ourselves connecting and being close friends. It was not something we accomplished on our own.

When Junior talks he can sound rather harsh. I ask too many questions. We are two fallen people living in a fallen world. We place our hearts and lives in God's will and in that we find wholeness. Junior gives me grace when I am annoying and I learn due this grace to give grace to him. When I prayed asking to be married again I asked for a man who took his faith seriously and a man I could look up too. I've been given both of these things.

I learn again that “Jesus is the way the truth and the light” that there is no other way whatsoever. This is where I plan on staying in Jesus.

Where do you find your source for your relationships? On your own strength or God's?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 8 2014

March 8 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Yesterday was a day of phone calls and getting with people on a more intimate level. I loved it. In the past it was easy to talk daily with someone and explore life. These days with texts, Face Book, e-mail, and the like a lot of “face time” is quick and fast.

I have been told that I am a deep thinker. I love to explore the thoughts rolling around in my brain. I called P and she helped me understand a struggle I have had. Some people believe that “once saved always saved.” I struggle with this thought. I keep trying to understand and frankly I don't get it. P was able to give me a thought process. I usually refer to Ezekiel where there is an in depth discussion on how our own actions are what God looks at not our parents. We are judged by what we do. This makes sense to me. There is a discussion about if at one time you are right and following God's ways and then choose to walk away all the good you have done doesn't count.

I have met many people who made a heart felt confession at one point in their lives and then they walk away from the faith. Today though Junior is as strong in his faith or even stronger. Junior walked away for many years. He did some real scary things. As he settled down and became a husband and parent he had a friend invite him to church. Junior began his journey once more in the Lord. My guess Junior walked away for a good ten years or more. If he had died in that time he would have gone to hell.

The arguments I have heard are that the Old Testament is null and void with the coming of Christ. My problem with that is Jesus taught from the Old Testament. The disciples taught from the Old Testament so how can it be null and void. I have learned some great lessons reading the Old Testament.

Next was the argument that the person was not truly saved. Again I look at Junior. As a youngster he met Jesus. Junior's home life was crazy at best. One day he asked Jesus into his heart. He remembers that when he was the loneliest he would feel Jesus near him and be comforted. Then Junior grew into a teenager. He got into trouble. He went to war and was not close to Jesus at all. When he lost his foot and came back to the States he was rejected by the people. He was called names and spit on. This hurt him deeply. He began to run with motorcycle clubs the not good ones.

Again Junior settled down returned to the faith. He has stayed in the faith with moments of falling down only to get back up again and walk in the faith. Junior strives to be a husband to me and he uses the Bible and prayer to God to guide him. Most people would never suspect he was such a wild man. His demeanor is gentle and kind. He does have an opinion and will share it. He won't back down either.

At times Junior can sound crude but as I have my struggles God keeps pointing me to Junior's heart. As I look at this man's heart I can over look his crude ways. He works hard a making a real nice house for me/us. He is at my side as I have my struggles. When he gets overbearing he will listen to my side and then he will adjust his comments.

Junior will meet me in the middle and as he does this I have a need to meet him in the middle. I have a desire to seek God's input and frankly we have very few arguments. We have never had a need to scream, slug each other or slam doors. We have had moments where we walk away for a bit and then when we come together we are able to be civil.

P told me that Junior has been saved from the start of his walk as a child. He has walked away but God knew that one day Junior would come back to his faith. As I looked at this I saw others I have known that have done the same thing. I also remember a man I met that at one time was a Baptist Minister. He walked away from his faith, divorced his wife and began an alternate life style.

This man has bothered me in regards to his faith. He believed enough to go into the ministry. I hear that he must not have been “truly” saved. As I pondered all of this I realized that he either was saved and walked away for a period of time or never gave his whole heart.

The parable of the seeds comes to mind. Seeds thrown on rocky ground start out and die right away. Seeds sown fertile soil will grow. So some people like the “idea” and then walk away a short time later. Other people will grasp the Gospel and go with it to the finish line. Sometimes the seed will start out and look real poor and then rain comes and it grows strong. This is my illustration. The same for our faith journey. Some start then wander away only to come back even stronger.

We don't always know by the appearance if people are in the Lord. That is for God to decide. We can see fruit and go from that. It is the best we can do at this point. I feel like if I see a believer who is no longer walking with God that I need to be like Jesus and pray that one day they will come back.

Is your faith real? Only you know for sure.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 6 2014

March 6 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I did it again. My daughter has been on my heart and I keep hearing in my head the advice a minister gave me. It is that I always need to reach out to my children. In 17 years letters, phone calls and visits have been far and few in between.

I have told myself over and over that there may be a time I quit trying. I've done good it has been months since my last attempt. Overall I am OK with the lack of communication but my heart wants to reach out to this one child. I miss her so much. She was my piece of sanity in a very dysfunctional family life.

She grew up. Her Dad asked for a divorce and I ran as quick as I could in the other direction. He was all I knew. He was angry, Dad was angry, Brother was angry so I truly believed this was as good as it gets. As I entered into the workforce I began to see things differently. As I kept going in and out of counseling I found better ways to cope, to handle anger. As I entered into a faith journey I found myself changing even more so and the change lasted longer and longer.

For a while now I have been taking everything to God. I'd ask should I and then I wait for God to answer me. I can honestly say for the most part I have been able to turn everything over to God. Yesterday though.....I wrote another letter, this time admitting mistakes and such. I wrote how I longed for her. Then I mentioned how I am hearing that she is breaking away from most of the family. Next I mentioned that I hear she is distancing herself from her own daughter. Her daughter is staying with her daughter's Dad. At 15 I also know how important Mom's influence is on the young lady. I mentioned that I hope she stays in touch with her daughter.

My heart says I should have left off the distancing part. As a parent though I also want to advise. I know that my family tends to think I am not the brightest one of the bunch. I know that they think I am not able to have good advice.

I wrote the letter. I copied it to her e-mail and I hit the send button without stopping and asking God if I should. I felt I had finally said the right thing that would bring us back together. I was so proud of me. Then I was awake during the night and on line. There were my son and daughter on line. I hardly ever see them on line.

My heart sank. At that point I knew that all that good stuff was not good and if I had asked God I would have been told to not send it. Today there is no answer back to my e-mail letter. There has been no phone call. Yup I know I messed up again.

Junior keeps telling me to leave her alone. I need to let go. I believe he is right I really do. Still my wants override common sense. Each set back teaches me to quit trying so hard. It will come in time and I need to wait on God's timing not mine and I messed up again.

I want to beat myself up. I have confessed to God and I am moving out of the beat myself up mode of thinking. I will go longer before I cave in again and I truly want my children and grandchildren to know the Lord the most. If we never reach a relationship again in this life then I want to see them in heaven where there will be no more pain or sorrow.

When I went through cancer I came up with this thought “today I cry tomorrow I will move on.” I come back to this thought. Today I will grieve my loss my mistake and tomorrow I will get up and do life in the Lord again.

My two toy sized dogs give me the nurturing I long to give. I dress them up, play with Daisy's hair and keep them clean. I have Mindy snuggled in my lap each time I sit down. Daisy goes around town with me and gets fussed at. I feel so proud when people adore her.

I will write, do my housework, run errands and enjoy my man. We will be close friends that fight very little. We will share each others joys and sorrows. I will love the next project he finishes and life has a comfortable rhythm. I am so grateful that I don't live in constant pain anymore.

Life will be sweet with or without the love of my child. I will long for her but I will work my way out of this need again and again. I will rejoice that my son calls me and lets me see his family as we are able to go to MI. Life truly moves on. God will comfort me, guide me and I will grow in the Lord.

Have I learned a lesson, another time? Yes I have. God's timing is perfect and mine is not. I will learn to ask God and I will continue to grow in Him.

May God bless you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 14 2014

March 4 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I hear Junior's truck drive up in the driveway. The dogs take themselves out the doggie door to go greet their Dad. I have made the choice to love this man again today. I was on the phone with P and we were talking about the men in our lives. They definitely have their moments. They are hard on us moments.

Her husband is OCD and she often has to calm him down. My husband is a borderline hoarder. These are hard traits to deal with. Still there is no where either one of us want to be but at the side of our men. That lesson is awesome. Each time I want to get irritated and walk away from the craziness of his hard to me to handle traits I find myself in prayer one more time.

I don't want to be like Adam in the Garden of Eden. Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit. Adam did not stop her. He did not even mention to her to not do it. When God asked Adam what he had done, Adam said “it is the woman You gave me.” He did not own up to his part of the problem. He did not admit he ate what he should not have ate.

My fear is praying to God, “look at the man you gave me! He is....”and the list goes out from there. It is easy to see his faults. It is easy to think that he could change, do better or whatever. Prayer helps me to keep my heart focused on Junior and his good qualities.

As I pray God also points out how Junior is working hard to meet me in the middle. God also points out how Junior cleans his hoarding messes. He has moved stacks of stuff to mop the floor and then moved them back. As I see these traits I find calmness filling my heart.

This past week the gas fireplace went out and not due to the gas. There was a problem with the internal workings. He tore apart the fire place. He had tools on the floor, the fireplace moved to the middle of the room and an obstacle course for me to walk around. My heart kept saying “You know I struggle getting around this stuff, with the stumbling I have been doing.” I want to get my “justified” anger going. Instead I talk to God.

God takes me through more of Junior's good qualities. He is generous. He is at my side as I deal with health issues. He works with me and in short order I let go of my irritation. I find myself grateful for the times Junior accepts my strange to him ways. He tolerates my fidgeting, my changing subjects every few seconds and the list goes out from there.

Once more I realize that I have my hard to handle ways in life and to be intolerant of Junior's hard to handle ways is not right. If he accepts mine then I need to accept that in this sin filled world he will have his hard to handle ways. Junior has always handled my hard to handle ways with grace.

I keep learning this lesson from Junior, to attempt to accept him for the man he is. He accepts me for the woman warts and all that I am. As I work through this process again I find that I am grateful for Junior's patience and love. To me Junior sets the standard for our relationship. I appreciate his style of acceptance so much.

I am always thankful to God for teaching me to love my husband where he is at in life. I am thankful that God often talks to Junior's heart and Junior often will make changes in his way of dealing with life. I have seen Junior meet me half way so often. He won't allow his hoarding to take over our living space. Our out buildings on the other hand......yup they are piled high. At least it is not something I have to look at day in and day out. Since I rarely go in those buildings I find myself accepting this mess. He has his need filled and I have mine filled.

In my heart I also believe that as we finish renovating he will work at weeding these buildings out. For now though they are his refuge. Junior understands his area of weakness and in time I believe in my heart he will get better.

In the meantime our home is taking shape and I am enjoying the fruit of his labor. I try to meet his needs by keeping our home neat and not overly so. He does not like a spotless home. I try to make him meals to eat so that he has to heat them up when he is ready to eat. I am there to sit and listen when he needs to think about a project.

The more I am in this faith journey the more I learn how to love, to be loved. It is awesome if you ask me. The angry woman of years ago does not do anger these days. The control freak of another lifetime is gone because I know my needs are being met overall. Again I believe it isn't what I've done or Junior has done it is what God has done. By listening to God we grow and learn.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

March 1 2014

March 1 2014

Greetings My Friend,

As I come to “Father forgive me my sins” in my prayers I marvel. I marvel because by admitting that I truly do sin and then I ask God to help me to walk away from that sin and soon I find myself walking away from it. At times this a process. I was abused for a long period of time. For years I held anger in my heart and I could not forgive the ones who were abusing me. I felt justified in my anger.

As I went through Divorce Recovery I learned that it truly takes two people to make a marriage work. I felt “justified” in my anger. I felt like a victim and I felt like I was not the problem. As I absorbed this lesson I began to see my part in the dysfunction. I began to see that I allowed anger to be used against me. Then I wondered how I should have gotten out of that situation.

Two things led to my recovery. First I went into counseling. I would go in and as I began to feel better I would leave counseling. In the end I stayed for a few years without leaving. As my marriage broke up I found myself so alone and afraid that I began to seek God. I started praying and then reading the Bible. The more I prayed the more I was able to forgive. God had to walk me through different phases of my forgiving.

I had thought that to forgive was a one time event. As I kept asking God for help I found Him taking me in a step by step process. As I worked through each step I was able to let go and to move on and not look back. Forgiving my ex has taken me years to work through each layer. In my heart I found I was not hating him fairly soon. I still had fear to deal with and I had to realize that he could not hurt me ever again and this piece was very difficult for me to let go of the fear I had.

We felt God directing us to move. We did and in the move I have finally been able to let the last piece of my forgiving go. Since I have PTSD I find myself back in the days of abuse. Until I was able to take medication for my anxiety I could not let it go. Even prayer was not helping to let it go completely. I had no anger but fear I could not get rid of.

As I went through another round of depression I found myself wondering if I needed the help of medication. Through the years counseling was enough to get me back to square one but this time counseling alone was not helping me. I learned that we can burn out the parts of the brain that allow us to let go of struggles. I also learned once these are burned out that medication will help and if I were to go off the medication I would find myself back in despair.

As I went on the medication I found fear leaving me finally. I had days where I did not relive the past over and over day in and day out. Today as I find those thoughts popping into my head I start praying asking God to remove the thought. In short order I am onto other more pleasant thoughts.

In my heart I believe that God wants the desire to be in your heart. If the desire is there then He can begin working with you to let go of anger, bitterness and hatred. Prior to this journey I thought that I had to forgive in one fell swoop. I said the words and forgiving was there.

Again I realize that I am on a journey. I did not get rid of my horrible thought life in one fell swoop. I did not quit swearing at once. I did not quit a whole host of things in a day, a week, a month or even a year. Most of these things took me years to work through.

God has also taught me to let it go and not keep re working my sorrow. I have a tendency to do that. Somewhere along the way I felt that “feeling bad and not letting go” was needed. I thought it made me more humble.

As I watch Junior realizing that his past was rather rough I find that he does not relive all those old bad things anymore. He starts fresh each day. I now wake up and start most days new. I rarely relive my past anymore. It was there and I don't pretend that it was great. I also am able to see that some of the nasty stuff has helped me to be the person I am today.

As a child Dad made me answer the phone to bill collectors. He'd tell me to say he was not home and sit right by me blowing smoke in my face. I knew if I handed him the phone I would get a beating. I resented this situation for years. As I have gotten older I realize that situation made me pay my bills and on time. I was anal about money. I have had to learn to relax in my fear we'd be broke out on the street and the whole nine yards. I also made sure to put money away for retirement and I was able to retire at age 54. So it was awful but in the end good came out of it.

As the oldest child my parents told me over and over that I needed to set an example for my younger siblings. I find that today I still try to set the example by not caving into drinking too much or being overly angry. I have had to learn different ways to handle situations and I have. I have set the example in my own way. I strive to “walk the walk and talk the talk.”

Abuse was horrible. It has been hard to let go of. Still today I am able to move throughout life and truly enjoy life. As this last bit of fear has left me I find myself so thankful. I know the love of a husband. I feel wanted by God and by Junior along with friends who seem to really enjoy me. The woman who wanted love so bad that she'd allow abuse no longer will tolerate abuse. I've grown a whole lot. My past has had some stuff that has helped me and some has been hard to let go of.

I like that I've dealt with the past though. I don't “shut the door” and struggle each time someone tends to take me back to those days. For the most part they are put to rest and reside where they need to be in the past. This journey has been hard, long and I am ever grateful that I stepped into it. God has held me, guided me, pushed me and in the end I am glad I went on the journey.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you

Love

Janet