March 6 2014

March 6 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I did it again. My daughter has been on my heart and I keep hearing in my head the advice a minister gave me. It is that I always need to reach out to my children. In 17 years letters, phone calls and visits have been far and few in between.

I have told myself over and over that there may be a time I quit trying. I've done good it has been months since my last attempt. Overall I am OK with the lack of communication but my heart wants to reach out to this one child. I miss her so much. She was my piece of sanity in a very dysfunctional family life.

She grew up. Her Dad asked for a divorce and I ran as quick as I could in the other direction. He was all I knew. He was angry, Dad was angry, Brother was angry so I truly believed this was as good as it gets. As I entered into the workforce I began to see things differently. As I kept going in and out of counseling I found better ways to cope, to handle anger. As I entered into a faith journey I found myself changing even more so and the change lasted longer and longer.

For a while now I have been taking everything to God. I'd ask should I and then I wait for God to answer me. I can honestly say for the most part I have been able to turn everything over to God. Yesterday though.....I wrote another letter, this time admitting mistakes and such. I wrote how I longed for her. Then I mentioned how I am hearing that she is breaking away from most of the family. Next I mentioned that I hear she is distancing herself from her own daughter. Her daughter is staying with her daughter's Dad. At 15 I also know how important Mom's influence is on the young lady. I mentioned that I hope she stays in touch with her daughter.

My heart says I should have left off the distancing part. As a parent though I also want to advise. I know that my family tends to think I am not the brightest one of the bunch. I know that they think I am not able to have good advice.

I wrote the letter. I copied it to her e-mail and I hit the send button without stopping and asking God if I should. I felt I had finally said the right thing that would bring us back together. I was so proud of me. Then I was awake during the night and on line. There were my son and daughter on line. I hardly ever see them on line.

My heart sank. At that point I knew that all that good stuff was not good and if I had asked God I would have been told to not send it. Today there is no answer back to my e-mail letter. There has been no phone call. Yup I know I messed up again.

Junior keeps telling me to leave her alone. I need to let go. I believe he is right I really do. Still my wants override common sense. Each set back teaches me to quit trying so hard. It will come in time and I need to wait on God's timing not mine and I messed up again.

I want to beat myself up. I have confessed to God and I am moving out of the beat myself up mode of thinking. I will go longer before I cave in again and I truly want my children and grandchildren to know the Lord the most. If we never reach a relationship again in this life then I want to see them in heaven where there will be no more pain or sorrow.

When I went through cancer I came up with this thought “today I cry tomorrow I will move on.” I come back to this thought. Today I will grieve my loss my mistake and tomorrow I will get up and do life in the Lord again.

My two toy sized dogs give me the nurturing I long to give. I dress them up, play with Daisy's hair and keep them clean. I have Mindy snuggled in my lap each time I sit down. Daisy goes around town with me and gets fussed at. I feel so proud when people adore her.

I will write, do my housework, run errands and enjoy my man. We will be close friends that fight very little. We will share each others joys and sorrows. I will love the next project he finishes and life has a comfortable rhythm. I am so grateful that I don't live in constant pain anymore.

Life will be sweet with or without the love of my child. I will long for her but I will work my way out of this need again and again. I will rejoice that my son calls me and lets me see his family as we are able to go to MI. Life truly moves on. God will comfort me, guide me and I will grow in the Lord.

Have I learned a lesson, another time? Yes I have. God's timing is perfect and mine is not. I will learn to ask God and I will continue to grow in Him.

May God bless you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet