April 1 2014

April 1 2014

Greetings My Friend,

One of the first things I asked God as I became a true believer was that He would teach me to love even if that love hurt. God has taught me to love and yes I have deep hurt with some of those I love. I am grateful to learn how to love in healthy loving ways instead of being the enabler that I tend to be.

I still have my enabler tendencies for sure. God often teaches me when to pull back and even Junior tends to help me to not give just to give and thus not keep people mired in their struggle. I learn that I am wanted even if I am not enabling people and that is so freeing.

I tend to attempt to please people to the point of losing my own identity. In my unhealthy way of thinking I think people will like me if I say “yes” to anything and everything. Actually people get irritated with this behavior pattern.

I had a co worker one time who I listened to as she made plans for the weekend with a friend. She was telling her friend “yes” and the rest of us that she did not want to go. She strung this friend along for some time before she finally backed out. This co worker did this often. I got to know her pattern rather quickly and that was my start to being upfront and saying “no.” It was hard but I saw how her attempting to be pleasing was really annoying to those who ran with her. They knew that “yes” meant “no.”

The Bible teaches “let your yes be yes and your no be no.” I attempt to keep this in mind as I make plans or do for others. As a parent I learned that we needed to do what we told our children we would do. I had to set the example.

Lately Junior and I have found that in some ways we were being enablers. We did not mean to be but as we looked over a situation we saw our enabling ways with this person. She had an emergency to her. Then she had another emergency and then we had our own life to deal with.

We gave money and insisted that before she asked for more that she had to pay us what she owed us. She had several times where she borrowed money then payed for a portion then had an emergency. She was up to her third or fourth emergency and now she owed us a few hundred dollars. This time Junior lent her the money and then told her no more money until we received all of what she borrowed back.

We have had this lady spend days with us and she would stay in our spare bedroom when she came. I have tried to not look into her room. We called it her room. Our friend called with one more emergency with her eyes and needed us to drive an hour to her house and then an hour and a half to the eye doctor. Doing this would take most of a day. The day she wanted us to take her was a doctor appointment for Junior which was an hour in the opposite direction. He would have been on the road three hours before getting to her house. The appointment was necessary. He did not want to cancel. The answer was “no.”

She called again the next day wanting him to drive her. That was the day I was having a scope put down my throat. Again it was an hour in the opposite direction. I was at the hospital until early afternoon and driving our friend was not possible. We had to say “no” again.

It has been a couple of weeks since we have heard from her. Calling her is next to impossible. She has a free cell phone with limited minutes and they often get used up so calling her is next to impossible. I tend to wait for her to contact me at this point. She has given us some neighbors phone numbers but they often say they have not seen her and don't volunteer to contact her.

I love this woman a bunch but I can't be everything to her. Junior can't either. She also tells us each time she sees us that she must get her house in order. She is a hoarder. We've known her for several years now and she is still saying the same thing and very little has been done to get the house in order.

I have told her I don't want to hear that she has too anymore. I want to hear what she has accomplished. She does the same thing about church. She is going and each Sunday she is here she does not go. She is going to pick up her room and very little has been done. I have taken to asking her several times a day if she has done one thing, one bag of trash etc.

We are on day number two of cleaning out her room. We should be able to get it in order and swept and dusted. Both Junior and I have trouble working straight through a project anymore. We work, stop and then start again. This project is a project that will take us two days and we are good with that. Today we will finish up this room.

Loving our friend means we need to hold her accountable. I don't like to hold her accountable because that means I need to be firm and insist she does what needs to be done. She cancels almost every doctor appointment and then reschedules. She has to “feel” right about going. At this point I plan my appointments and then I refuse to change them for her emergencies.

Loving is hard work at times. It is uncomfortable as well. It is for their best and it is worth doing the uncomfortable thing. It is Agape love in motion. It is seeking their highest good.

Are you an enabler? Is it time to stop? I have learned that people do need help. There is also a moment where you are not helping but enabling a person to stay in their dysfunction. That line can be hard to draw but if you love them enough then you will do your best to hold them accountable.

May God Bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet