April
3 2014
Greetings
My Friend,
If
Dad lived today he would be 81 years old. Dad only lived to 59 years
old. I had a tumultuous relationship with my parents. I loved them
and I struggled to love them at the same time. Life in their home was
chaotic and abusive. I admired them for all that they overcame at the
same time.
As
I became an adult I realized early on that I had issues with Dad. I
went into counseling and that helped me reconcile the abuse in my
mind. Dad was abused more severely than he abused us. The older I get
I see that Dad did rise above his abusive past but he did not walk
away from it altogether. I see that these days. I have compassion for
him in my heart.
By
the time Dad had died I had reconciled the abuse and was able to be
around Dad without anger and resentment. I was one of several family
members who was a caregiver for Dad in his last months. I even held
Dad as he died. Dad opened the door to talk at the end of his life
and I was able to overcome more struggles. Dad's death was hard but
it also had a beauty as well.
Mom
on the other hand I never got to the point of understanding fully why
she was the way she was. She never talked about her childhood.
Grandma would tell me stories but not Mom. Mom also died the way she
lived life. She did not let anyone in on her journey. Her comment was
“Give me a pill and let me sleep till the end.” Mom mainly asked
for what she needed and that is it. I am sad that I could never work
out those harsh childhood moments with Mom. I have sought to find out
what made Mom the woman she was. I truly don't know.
My
son has worked to keep a relationship with me. We have struggled
through the years but today we are seeing the fruit of the work we
both have put into loving each other.
My
daughter on the other hand continues to distance herself from me. She
had a moment when I had my appendix out where she called but she has
once again distanced herself from me, her Dad and I believe she is
becoming more and more distant with her brother.
I
have done what I can to try to bridge the gap. I can't imagine I'll
ever fully give up trying although I am trying less often these days.
What can I write when I have not talked with her in years. I try to
call and she has not picked up the phone or ever called me back.
One
of the sad things I have in my heart for her is that struggle of
reconciling the past. I understand this with Mom and I sense that at
some point my daughter will question the chaos of her childhood. If I
die before she attempts to work this piece out then she will struggle
to understand. I feel for her
My
faith journey has taught me to “let go let God.” On the days the
pain of separation I take my pain to God. These days when I feel the
sadness coming on I ask God to take the sadness away and in short
order it is gone. Through the years God has had me move on in life.
He has taught me to live in the present and enjoy day to day life.
These days I mourn but not like I once did and it does not last as
long either.
As
I move through life and take my life to God I realize that I've done
all that I can do. God is also watching over my daughter and at the
right time God will bring about healing. That comforts me a lot. I
learn to be attentive to God's direction and for the most part I have
a sense of peace.
At
this point in life I live and move about day to day life. I find joy
in my day to day life. I am at peace with the way my life is turning
out. I actually believe that old age is bringing about the peace I
strove for all of my life. My peace of course is Jesus.
Where
is your peace?
May
God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet
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