April 5 2014

April 5 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Today's walk up the hill took the breath out of me. Yesterday I walked up the hill and a couple of houses in without struggle. Today though was a struggle. I came home ate lunch and walked on the elliptical for 5 minutes and that was all I could do today. It is what it is.

I have toyed with being angry at all the smokers in my life only to realize that if they had not done this what would I have done to me. I would love to have a major pity party and soak in all the “ain't is awful” moments I can muster. A friend reminded me that in my life I am sure there are people that I have wounded deeply. Would I want to be forgiven? Yes I would and at this point I need to forgive those that have smoked and brought damage to my lungs.

I also realize that if I had not been around smokers I may have entered into some bad habits on my own that would make me sick. It is easy to point a finger outward. It is harder to point it inward. We all are given a measure of days to live and then it is over with.

I've come to believe that we are here to learn important lessons. I believe that God is preparing me for a life of eternity. First off we have a choice as I like to say “smoking or non-smoking”. Heaven or hell is our choice and God gives us that choice.

If we chose heaven then we must learn the lessons so that we will be able to live for ever. I can't imagine forever but I believe it. I questioned God about what will we be like in heaven and God pointed me to Jesus after His resurrection. As I read through this part again I began to see Jesus with a body that could be touched. I saw Him break bread with believers. I saw Jesus cooking fish for the Apostles coming in from a night of fishing. I saw Thomas looking at Jesus' wounds from the cross. This one baffles me. I see Jesus moving and doing much of what we are moving and doing.

As I reviewed this I felt calmer. I still don't know all about what eternity is but I felt comfortable seeing Jesus doing many of the things we do. It may take on a whole different dimension but I am comforted.

The goal I now have is to absorb my whole being into God and His ways. I want to love the unlovable. I want to reach out to the poor and needy. I want to love my husband as God loves me.

I also learn that God isn't asking me to be a doormat as well. This was another hard lesson for me to learn. A counselor pointed out that Jesus got angry, threw the money changers out of the temple and called the religious leaders “a brood of vipers.”

I see that Jesus stood His ground. I also see Jesus being tender and accepting of people. I tend to focus on that tenderness a lot. It gives me hope. Jesus was gentle with sinners and that gentleness seemed to bring them to Him. They had hope. I need that “hope” so much. It is the only way I can function anymore.

The religious leaders were all puffed up with pride. So as a religious person actually a follower of Jesus I attempt to not let pride to rule over me. It is a very hard thing to walk away from and the only way I am able to walk away is asking God daily to take pride away from me.

It is God who has given my life a direction. On my own I went no where real fast. I was not noticed or accepted. The more I allow God to direct me the more I am good with life as it is and I find myself doing more than I ever imagined possible.

I find contentment in being a “no body.” I always wanted to be front and center and these days being a “no body” is perfectly good with me. As I accept this way of life I also find that God places people in my path to love, to be loved by. Even our fur children are a gift from God.

The toy dogs are my children/grandchildren. We went for a walk today and Daisy decided we went to far and wanted to be carried. I carried her for a bit. I get to play with her hair putting it up in a tiny pony tail. I dress her up and it is fun.

Mindy curls up on my lap each time I sit down. I love it. Boots hangs around quietly. Each fur child brings their own personality to me and lets me hug them. I love it. I can't breathe like I'd like to. That is OK. In the slowing down process I stop and smell the roses more often. I marvel at God's creation. I write. I love life.

My eyes are blurry. I have cataracts and things are not clear like they once were. That is OK as well. I know that it will end at the right time and I will have surgery and then I should see good again.

I am reminded daily of all that I do have and the struggles are there but the good things seem to take shape more in my mind. The moments I feel sorry for myself tend to take little time in my mind anymore.

God is good. Life is great.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet