March 1 2014

March 1 2014

Greetings My Friend,

As I come to “Father forgive me my sins” in my prayers I marvel. I marvel because by admitting that I truly do sin and then I ask God to help me to walk away from that sin and soon I find myself walking away from it. At times this a process. I was abused for a long period of time. For years I held anger in my heart and I could not forgive the ones who were abusing me. I felt justified in my anger.

As I went through Divorce Recovery I learned that it truly takes two people to make a marriage work. I felt “justified” in my anger. I felt like a victim and I felt like I was not the problem. As I absorbed this lesson I began to see my part in the dysfunction. I began to see that I allowed anger to be used against me. Then I wondered how I should have gotten out of that situation.

Two things led to my recovery. First I went into counseling. I would go in and as I began to feel better I would leave counseling. In the end I stayed for a few years without leaving. As my marriage broke up I found myself so alone and afraid that I began to seek God. I started praying and then reading the Bible. The more I prayed the more I was able to forgive. God had to walk me through different phases of my forgiving.

I had thought that to forgive was a one time event. As I kept asking God for help I found Him taking me in a step by step process. As I worked through each step I was able to let go and to move on and not look back. Forgiving my ex has taken me years to work through each layer. In my heart I found I was not hating him fairly soon. I still had fear to deal with and I had to realize that he could not hurt me ever again and this piece was very difficult for me to let go of the fear I had.

We felt God directing us to move. We did and in the move I have finally been able to let the last piece of my forgiving go. Since I have PTSD I find myself back in the days of abuse. Until I was able to take medication for my anxiety I could not let it go. Even prayer was not helping to let it go completely. I had no anger but fear I could not get rid of.

As I went through another round of depression I found myself wondering if I needed the help of medication. Through the years counseling was enough to get me back to square one but this time counseling alone was not helping me. I learned that we can burn out the parts of the brain that allow us to let go of struggles. I also learned once these are burned out that medication will help and if I were to go off the medication I would find myself back in despair.

As I went on the medication I found fear leaving me finally. I had days where I did not relive the past over and over day in and day out. Today as I find those thoughts popping into my head I start praying asking God to remove the thought. In short order I am onto other more pleasant thoughts.

In my heart I believe that God wants the desire to be in your heart. If the desire is there then He can begin working with you to let go of anger, bitterness and hatred. Prior to this journey I thought that I had to forgive in one fell swoop. I said the words and forgiving was there.

Again I realize that I am on a journey. I did not get rid of my horrible thought life in one fell swoop. I did not quit swearing at once. I did not quit a whole host of things in a day, a week, a month or even a year. Most of these things took me years to work through.

God has also taught me to let it go and not keep re working my sorrow. I have a tendency to do that. Somewhere along the way I felt that “feeling bad and not letting go” was needed. I thought it made me more humble.

As I watch Junior realizing that his past was rather rough I find that he does not relive all those old bad things anymore. He starts fresh each day. I now wake up and start most days new. I rarely relive my past anymore. It was there and I don't pretend that it was great. I also am able to see that some of the nasty stuff has helped me to be the person I am today.

As a child Dad made me answer the phone to bill collectors. He'd tell me to say he was not home and sit right by me blowing smoke in my face. I knew if I handed him the phone I would get a beating. I resented this situation for years. As I have gotten older I realize that situation made me pay my bills and on time. I was anal about money. I have had to learn to relax in my fear we'd be broke out on the street and the whole nine yards. I also made sure to put money away for retirement and I was able to retire at age 54. So it was awful but in the end good came out of it.

As the oldest child my parents told me over and over that I needed to set an example for my younger siblings. I find that today I still try to set the example by not caving into drinking too much or being overly angry. I have had to learn different ways to handle situations and I have. I have set the example in my own way. I strive to “walk the walk and talk the talk.”

Abuse was horrible. It has been hard to let go of. Still today I am able to move throughout life and truly enjoy life. As this last bit of fear has left me I find myself so thankful. I know the love of a husband. I feel wanted by God and by Junior along with friends who seem to really enjoy me. The woman who wanted love so bad that she'd allow abuse no longer will tolerate abuse. I've grown a whole lot. My past has had some stuff that has helped me and some has been hard to let go of.

I like that I've dealt with the past though. I don't “shut the door” and struggle each time someone tends to take me back to those days. For the most part they are put to rest and reside where they need to be in the past. This journey has been hard, long and I am ever grateful that I stepped into it. God has held me, guided me, pushed me and in the end I am glad I went on the journey.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you

Love

Janet