March 22 2014

March 22 2014

Greetings My Friend,

The theme playing around in my mind today is “I love my boring life.” Poor Junior was told he was boring by some of the women he dated prior to meeting me. I had lived drama for so long that boring began to sound real nice and when I met Junior I told him “I am looking for boring.”

I tell Junior often that I love our boring life. Gone are the days of drama and fighting and despair. I am thankful for each boring day these days. Thankfulness begins to play around in my heart more and more. I find myself saying “thank you” often. I say it to Junior, to our pets, to God and I even try to say how thankful I am to others. I am that thankful.

Prior to this “Thankful” place in my life I felt despair. I was always seeking that point in life where all the pieces lined up and worked out “just right.” Little did I know that being thankful was a huge part in unlocking the key to despair. As I learned to see all that I truly had I began to not focus on what I did not have. I began to see the smallest things as a gift.

My blanket to snuggle into as I sit, a hug from Junior, a fur child excited to see me and my list goes on. These things move me today. I fell into the trap that possessions were what made life right. I also thought those possessions were what gave me acknowledgment and respect. People will either like me or they won't. This is hard for me to fathom. I want everyone to love me and I want to love everyone. If I struggle liking a person I figure it is me and I try harder to like that person.

As I retired and moved I began to feel unwanted by my family. I began to be unsure of “me” as a likeable person. God stepped beside me and He began showing me my worth. My career was not what defined me. My being a wife and mother did not define me. God began to define me and the more He showed me my qualities the more I wanted to please God and I started to let go of what others thought of me.

As I learned to please God I started seeing my qualities as a human being. I saw that I am not like every other person. I am unique and I am reaching a group of people with the talents I have. My uniqueness became comforting to me. I began to like me just the way I am.

I started writing, my writing talent grew as I wrote. In that writing I also discovered “me” in a more intimate way. My past abuse did leave nasty marks on me. I also saw the “survivor” in me. I was learning to be proud of what I overcame – in the Lord. This process took many years. I grow, fall back and then start again. As I started over again I found that I had moved forward quite a bit.

Part of my surviving has taken me decades to overcome. As God walked me through various moments of my abuse I learned and grew. I then was able to let go more fully so the long walk was wearisome at times. In the end I am grateful for each and every step I have taken.

The more I learned to be thankful I found peace and acceptance of where I am in life. The more I was comfortable with life the more I grew. Junior started teaching me right away about living quietly and not looking for attention. It was foreign to me and at first I resorted to drama. As I learned to give up drama I found that quiet unassuming life to be rather pleasant and peaceful.

Today I still have moments where I hurt. I often continue to feel rejected. God continues to give me work to do. He places people in my life that enjoy me for the person I am. There is something about coming home from a day of errands and having fur children clamoring to greet me. It is finding that the little things in life are way more precious than status symbols abound.

I find God is always “providing” for me. Some nights as I go to sleep I marvel at what I have been given so that I can have health and comfort. I start off with my Chiropractic pillow. These days neck pain is minimal due to this pillow. Then there is the bite splint. I don't wake up with an aching jaw anymore due to this device. A body pillow trains me to pull my shoulder down as I hug it at night and I wake up with less stress in my neck. Then the CPAP machine has allowed me to sleep better at night. As I have slept better I find I can think again, I am able to do things since my day and night aren't spent trying to get desperately needed sleep.

Giving my fatigue a name “Chronic Fatigue” has helped me to name my struggle and then to take steps to deal with it. As I deal with it I find I am entering into day to day life again. I know certain things will wear me out. These days I know to sit and then start over as my energy comes back.

I am thankful for each step that I have taken. I am thankful for each new day. I am thankful for the smallest gifts in life. I thank God fairly much daily. I thank Junior for being Junior often. I thank God for fur children to love. They give my day meaning and purpose and as I enter into their needs I begin to meet the need of being a woman. I clean more, cook more, exercise more and I find great joy in striving to meet Junior's needs.

What would life be like without being thankful? It would be colorless, unforgiving and flat out full of despair.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you

Love

Janet