March 15 2014

March 15 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Who is this person that is saying these things? As I come home from church I replay my antics in Sunday school. I complained about Junior's hoarding, his slowness and I am ashamed of myself. I don't ever say anything negative to others about Junior.

Today I wrote a blog and I had an opinion and I was sharing it. It was negative in its approach. I don't like me this way and I am bewildered that it is coming out of me. My daily loosing my food is taking its toll on me is my guess. I lose food each time I eat. I don't lose an entire meal but I lose enough to be uncomfortable. The vomiting spasms also contribute to my attitude.

Generally I am a middle of the road type of person. I attempt to accept people where they are at. I want to be treated that way so I attempt to treat others that way. I know my flaws real well. I know how hard I have with God to overcome so many of them. I know others are going through this challenge as well so the negative talk is surprising to me.

I talk to God and ask Him to forgive me. I talk to myself and tell myself “enough already.” Part of the problem in life is admitting it. So now I've admitted it and I believe my attitude will settle back into the accepting person I long to be.

Once more I see the “journey” part in a faith journey. Overall I strive to walk day to day with God. I strive to give back as God gives to me and I strive to make life less about “me” and more about others. I realize I will always have moments where I will fall backwards. These days though it happens for a short period of time and then I am back at striving to be the person God wants me to be.

Knowing that I am forgiven helps me move forward. I asked God with a genuine heart and I feel His acceptance of my repentance. I also know that God does not want me dwelling on my mistake. I need to dust myself off and go at attempting to walk with Jesus again today.

As I ask for God to forgive me I find myself moving away from my attitude. I find myself looking at Junior and loving the man he is. I again see his heart. This morning all on his own without prompting he cleaned the kitchen table off. He even put a pretty table cloth on it. He did it for me I think more than for himself. He seems to know I had a need to see order and strove to meet that need.

Junior's hoarding is not way out of control in the house. He is working very hard to meet my need he is working to meet my need as hard as I am trying to meet his need. As we sit for our afternoon chat time and my exercise time I look at this man and am amazed at his handsomeness. We get a phone call from B and she has yet another need. This time it is hard for us to meet this need. We have things to deal with and it is impossible to drive her around for several hours. It just can't be done. He is honest with her.

I am amazed at his directness of it all. I would try to soft petal my refusal and latter I would find myself angry at being taken advantage of. It helps no one when I soft petal the situation. Junior has no problem being upfront about his denying help this time. I marvel at my man again.

Junior drifts off for his afternoon nap. I say my prayers and begin writing a new blog. I feel the attitude adjustment taking shape and I am liking me again. I look around and see the fur children are napping. My heart swells with pride as I cast my eyes over each child. I find comfort in the little things in life. This always amazes me. It is not the designer purse, the rock for my finger or a fancy car that will bring joy to my heart. It is fur children sleeping each on their own doggie bed. It is seeing Val cuddled into Junior's lap as he sleeps. It is waking up and seeing the table cleaned off.

I sinned. I hate that word but it is true I sinned. As I accept the fact and ask to be forgiven I find life to once more be pleasant and beautiful. I begin to think about the tasks I want to get done and soon I will enter into them. I also believe in my heart that I will guard my mouth in the future when I am not feeling good.

I also know there will be days I fall down. A few weeks ago I wrote an e-mail to my daughter and did not pray. I should have prayed but I wanted what I wanted and did what I wanted without stopping and asking God. I've learned from that as well.

I think of David. When Nathan the prophet confronted David with his sin, David immediately asked God to forgive him. He slept with another mans wife and had her husband killed. Those are pretty big sins in my book. I realize that the smallest sized sin and the largest sin are the same to God. Both are an affront to Him. To us we measure out our sins.

David asked to be forgiven. He and His new wife went on to have another child the first one died. This child became a great king and David lived close to God the rest of his life. If God can forgive David of his to me huge sin then God will forgive me of to me a little sin. That comforts me a lot. I find it easier to get up and try again.

I think I will keep praying, reading my Bible and attempting to walk close to God. God is gracious to forgive me if I am willing to admit my sin. I may pay a price like lung disease if I smoke but I can begin to walk close to God.

Many days the song “Give me Jesus” plays out in my heart.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet