March 20 2014

March 20 2014

Greetings My Friend,

For our anniversary each year we tend to buy a couple gift. Junior tends to panic when he has to do gift buying and this helps him out. I also like that we decide on a gift and get it together. Last year we were in MI for our anniversary so we ate at a favorite restaurant. We celebrated our love and our time as a couple. It worked out real nice. That was about all we did. We were in MI enjoying family and friends so it was also a celebration of our life.

This year we are thinking about getting a WII system. I am thinking I can do my increments of exercise which is what works for me at this point. I can change programs which speaks to my need to change often. I am excited.

Yesterday I had Junior feel my arm muscle and my stomach muscle. Both are far from being extremely firm but I can feel a muscle working it's way through the fat. That felt good. He gave me the accolades I was looking for. He tells me often that I am doing a good job. I believe he finally is getting my need to have something to watch while I am on the elliptical and different types of exercises due to a short attention span.

As he has watched me go from total sitting and not moving back to the woman I've been only slower I believe he finally understands the way I do life. I love organizing things. It thrills me to no end. He seems to understand that I need this in order to function and accomplish things. Actually I've learned this about me as well.

Sticking to a strict schedule when I had a family to watch after allowed me to accomplish much. Getting everyone through one bathroom was a challenge. For me I got up first and showered. This helped me to wake up and organize my thoughts and day.

Today I need to sit for a couple of hours. This is a lot of my writing time, Bible study time and the like. It works out real well for me. I am on the computers, changing programs and such which fits that need to change every so often.

For a while I was allowing people's comments to define me. I felt so inadequate. I found myself in despair. One day as I was upset that I could be so strange although most of my life I had not felt strange I found myself talking to God. God reminded me that He made me the way I am. As I absorbed this fact I began to find that I truly liked “me” just the way I was.

I felt that if God created me to be this way then I was indeed OK. Life began to feel great again. I recalled a friend who started saying that she was a child of the King. That made me feel special. As I feel special in the Lord's eye I like me even more so. I am not better than anybody else. I am me and I am unique and it feels great.

My goal is to listen to God these days. He has taught me how to walk away from being abused. He has taught me what “healthy” looks like and then has placed me in a healthy marriage. I am with the man God wants me with. I marvel at my and Junior's story. We have a lot of the same background in many ways. We understand certain hurts like no one else can.

Again my goal is ask God to teach me to be the wife Junior needs. I have lots of ideas of what I would like to give to my husband. Most of those would not meet Junior's needs. As I learn to listen to God's direction I find our relationship growing. I also am able to see underneath Junior's hard core shell. He seems hard. His heart is about as tender as a heart can be. He hides beneath a layer of hardness so he won't get hurt. I get it. I love that I can seek that tender spot and I can love it. God shows me how.

Junior is willing to listen to me. For a long time he thought I was being lazy flat out lazy. As I heard him comment once too often I began telling him I did not want to hear his comments. As time went by I began getting answers and today Junior fully gets my struggle. I believe God has been directing Junior to meet my need as well.

Today Junior will tell people that I have Chronic Fatigue. He understands that my not being able to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time was sleep apnea. Now that I am on the CPAP machine I sleep better. I still have up and down moments but I tend to sleep a full 8 hrs. or more most nights. In that my energy is also starting to come back.

Junior loves that I am now cleaning house again and cooking. He is thrilled I am working out more and more. We pray that we will see 50 years of marriage. We realize that staying in shape and eating right will help us meet this goal – God willing. I have always done some sort of exercise routine. I am back to that again and I feel strength returning. I like that a lot.

I truly would love to do water aerobics. There isn't an indoor pool around our home for me to go to. I have had to readjust my desire. These days it is an elliptical, an arm weight and hopefully soon a WII system. This summer I hope to do part of my workout outside. I love the greenery. I love walking along with the dogs.

As I sleep better my brain thinks better again. As I exercise I sense my cognitive abilities are growing again. I can't do the work I was doing at the bank when I retired but I am thinking better than I have been. I am good with that.

God has brought me to this point and somehow I believe He will take me even further. Life is sweet in the Lord.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet