July 31, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today I journal about what I read in the Bible, the first time in several months I have done that. It felt good. I am still working through giving God my all. I am not holding back like I had been and I am looking forward to growing even more in the Lord. Again I find myself amazed that I am struggling through this. Again I find myself wanting only to live a life in the Lord and never wanting to go back to when I did not. I am more content than I have ever been. I like me warts and all these days. So I allow God to take more of me and find it to be ok. As I ponder I get a bit miffed at my prayer life. I do well with my praying through the cross daily as I go to sleep and wake up. The rest of my prayer life tends to be iffy at best. I don’t believe I forget to pray. Sometimes we get up and run and that makes sense. But many days I flat out forget to pray. It makes me angry. So each day I strive to start anew. I have a black board in the entry way where I sit. I wrote “Pray” on the board and frankly that helps me to go to prayer more. Still I will have a day where I forget. The old “me” would get angry at myself. The new me says “today is a new day in the Lord.” I start over again. My thought is that within a few weeks this should become my habit. In the past I believed that if I say the sinner’s prayer then I’m perfect with God. Nope not so I continue to find that a faith journey is just that, a journey. I am not the woman of my past for sure. I finally know how to not let a man abuse me. I know I am precious to God even if people don’t like me. That helps me to get up and face each day. I find I make better choices in general but sometimes I allow “me” to get in the way and choose wrongly. These days though I don’t beat myself up but I begin a new again. I have more tolerance for who I am and accept that some parts of me are not like others. I always wanted to be “normal” and I strive to fit in. I finally am more comfortable with I am who God wants me to be and if others don’t like me…..that is too bad. Junior has been my example all these years. He is different. I somehow seem to mesh real well with him. I understand him on a deep level and he teaches me to accept myself for the person God is creating me to be and if I am not liked that is ok. Junior is the first man in my life who has not tried to control me or hurt me and it feels wonderful to tell you the truth. I have opinions and I am not put down if they differ from his. I love it. I begin to explore more and more and find myself taking a stand at least in my mind and enjoying it. I no longer live in fear if I think differently than someone else. Sometimes Junior will tell me his thoughts and I find myself not agreeing. Later I might but I get to work through my feelings and then see where Junior is coming from and then I begin to align my thoughts in line with Junior’s. As we go vote these days we will get a voter’s list from the city. We will sit down and look at the things to be voted on. We will discuss each candidate and in the end we will vote as one. He puts his input in and I put mine in. I love going to the polls and voting in unison with my husband. Gone are the days where I go vote the opposite of my mate just to be ornery. As an abused person I somehow always stated what I had on my mind. I heard from a nephew recently that I used to drive my mother-in –law crazy. In my way of thinking, I felt like I was never heard. I felt like a victim but as I do the look back I see I could be obstinate. I often think I may have contributed to some of the abuse because I don’t tend to back down. I will take a stand even if I get punched. I may be small and in-effective fighter but that doesn’t mean I will agree just to agree either. I started this habit rather young to tell you the truth. I was a thumb sucker as a little one. Dad would slap me in the face. Next I sucked my first two fingers. Again I was slapped. So I started sucking my big toe. At that point Dad gave up. As I grew up and Dad pounded on me, I continued to show him no one was going to tell me what to do. If it meant I got hurt, I don’t think I cared. I was that stubborn. As I have declined in health and found myself doing little to nothing around the house I also saw this defect again. The more Junior told me I was lazy the less I would do to show him. It is not done consciously but it is what I do. God showed me I do this recently. I was that unaware of my natural way of responding. I marvel at God. He has been tender in dealing with me. That is what I respond to. I was so unaware of my stubborn streak that until God pointed it out I was clueless. I marvel that God knew me and knew how to get me to listen. I marvel that I need tenderness so much. Junior through the years seems to have learned this about me as well. If he wants me to do something then he will tell me gently, kindly and he will find my doing what he wants me to do. I marvel again at God’s tenderness with me. He knew that I would get stubborn if I was forced. I am thankful that God understands and will get me to do what He wants me to do in the way that I “hear.” Over and over I marvel at God’s perfection. He knows how I am wired. He knows how I will listen and then speaks to me in that way. I asked him to be married after my last marriage. I asked for a healthy relationship and by the way could the man take his faith seriously. It was an afterthought but it is Junior through and through. He walks in faith and teaches me how to. It is the biggest thing I love about Junior is his faith. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 26, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is my baby sister’s birthday. We are 11 and three days apart so for the next month we are the same age. As a youngster I wanted to round it off to a year but Little Sister always reminded me of the exact amount of time. As an adult I often mention the exact amount of time and she finds it to be silly. So life goes. There is that feeling again. I live life. I enjoy life but as I talk to some people I sense their disdain for me. They act like I have no brains. It is what it is. Lately when I sense this I take my discomfort to God. God reminds me that I am His child and precious and I begin to not care what others think of me. I quit making the list in my mind and enter into the day. My list goes something like this “I retired at age 54, I saved enough money to retire early, I have been re-married for 15 years and he hasn’t been able to keep a relationship going in 16 years.” The list goes on and on until I realize that it does not matter really. I have a new life, a good life in the Lord. God keeps telling me that I am important to Him, that I am smart in the way He created me and that truly is all that matters. When I wrap my brain around that I find myself letting go of the need to be wanted by those that don’t want me. Again I go through the list of remembering all the wonderful things God has done for me and I find more peace. As I left my marriage of 24 years I found myself crying out to God. God came alongside of me and showed me how to move forward. I kept up with counseling. I did not want to enter into another relationship like the one I left. I met Junior and he is a huge blessing from God. He is not popular by human standards but he has a heart that is a mile wide. I’ll take this man whose heart is with God any day. We went away to an overnight to Johnson City Tennessee which is a good 3 hours from our home. I had to have an MRI done early the next morning. At first we thought we’d spend another night there and enjoy a mini vacation. We arrived at the hospital only to find that we had the wrong Monday. Junior had to have an x-ray of his foot done at the VA so we stopped in there, then ate lunch and headed back toward home. J stayed at the house. Our cat needs medication so he medicated the cat. Junior left J with a list of things he wanted done in the order he wanted them done. J picked and chose what he did. On the list was putting up insulation under our porch where we have enclosed it to become part of our home. J instead picked and chose the jobs he wanted to do and did not do the insulation. Junior wanted the insulation done because of his back struggles. When we got home Junior was tired and went to sleep. He woke up watched a bit of TV and then went back to bed. I thought it strange that he did not go to check on J’s progress. As we were getting ready for bed I asked and Junior told me he was so angry and did not want to blurt out his anger. He kept to himself till he worked through his anger and when the two talked Junior was calm and straight forward with his comments. I once more learned that anger does not have to rule a man. It amazes me. Until I met Junior I only knew men who gave into to their anger and that often meant anyone who was near them. After being with Junior all these years I still marvel when I see my guy in action. He has had little training on fixing things around the house but he has taught himself or taken classes like wiring. At times it feels like our progress is ever so slow but when I realize that sometimes Junior will take apart a project many times until it is right I begin to understand the time frame. As each project comes to an end I marvel at the craftsmanship my guy has displayed. It looks awesome. He also works around our needs. I am short so he makes things so I can reach into, up to etc. With the potential of being in a wheel chair someday, Junior also works around the need. We believe we will continue to grow old in this house and our older years will find one or both of us unable to do things. As I have struggled with Junior’s way of doing things I have gone to prayer. God keeps pointing me to Junior’s heart. This man is so tender. He sounds rough but underneath is a tender caring guy. That is what I love and God keeps pointing me to. I can’t say I’ve ever fallen out of love with Junior. As I have struggled with his annoying habits it is God who helps me to look past those habits. It is not me that is for sure. As I allow God to point out what I need to focus on in my husband I find me falling deeper in love with him. Junior has done some bad things in his life. That is ok. Junior has thoughts and isn’t afraid to share what he believes. That is ok. he has a tender heart for God. Junior’s main goal is to live for God, to listen to God and do what he hears God telling him. That works real nice. As I live with Junior I learn that people aren’t always going to like me. I learn that life still can go on if I keep my life in tune with God. That means praying fairly much daily, reading my Bible fairly much daily. When I do I find my walk to be precious and I am good with the person God is teaching me to be. If others find me daffy, that is ok. In my dreams I saw myself being at the center of my children’s life, my siblings as well. Nope I am not and these days I find I may grieve this but I am ok with it also. The more I allow God to lead, guide and direct me, the sweeter each day feels. So I grieve and I let it go. I tell God how I am feeling, he lets me unload the thought and then I let it go. Who are you trying to please? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 29, 2014

July 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Junior is working hard at getting a heavy filing cabinet into our home that he has bought. I watch him as he figures out how to move it. He continues to amaze me. He is using blocks and a dolly to move the cabinet. He does 2 steps forward and step back and ever so slowly it makes its way into our home to the spot where Junior wants it. I have read the Bible for today, I have made us lunch, tuna casserole, cleaned the bathroom and repacked my suitcase. These days we try to keep a packed suitcase and then when we go, we just grab our suitcase and leave. I am sitting inside since it has been raining on and off all day. I am thinking about moping around the area rugs but Junior is sort of in my way so I find a reason not to. I think about writing and start down that path. I am slowly ever so slowly getting into more Bible study time. I have longed for this day and it is now here kind of. I have enjoyed the interim Sunday night Bible study leader. He is teaching me how to find a topic and how to study it. I love it. I have for the last many years preferred to buy a study and work through it on my own. These days though I am changing to finding my own topic and researching and studying. I like it. I am once more reading my Sunday school Bible study as well along with a devotional. For me this is heaven on earth. This is the dream I dreamt about the last many years before I retired and now I am entering more fully into my dream. In my blog I tend to write about day to day life. I write about my fears, my joy and hopefully about how God works in my life in a day to day walk. Until I met Jesus in a more personable way I only believed that God existed. As I have walked away from a long time marriage, let go of being the abused woman I was I have found God stepping beside me and helping me live my life. At this point in my life I don’t ever want to walk away from God. It is about my daily prayer really. Life in the Lord has been better. Some days I have to do some real hard stuff like forgive someone who has hurt me a lot. The more I pray for that person the less I find I have bitterness in my soul. I am able to move forward and truly enjoy my life. I again marvel at our move. We felt God told us to move, we did and I marvel at our house, the peaceful pace of our life and of course all the mountains that surround us. I still have moments where I grieve the loss of relationships, the fear of men from time to time. J and his Mom often will spend the night at our house. J helps Junior for a few days at a time and then goes home. He is over 6ft tall. He is quiet and keeps to himself mostly. I still find myself having moments of fear. I know it is not rational but the fear tries to overtake me at times. J has never offered to hurt me, to talk bad to me. He truly is a good kid. He is still a male and a big one at that. With each visit I learn again and again that most men truly don’t want to hurt a woman. You’d think I’d get that by now and on one level I do. On another I am not so sure so I work through this struggle often. I don’t sit in fear either. I will take him to town or rather he likes to drive so I let him. I am not afraid and that is a miracle. He generally will talk man stuff of which I have no clue. I let him talk though. He likes telling me about our electric car as he discovers how it runs. I could care less as long as it gets me where I want to. In the three years we’ve known J and his Mom I can see that he has grown emotionally a whole lot. His work ethic is getting better. He is truly getting ready to go out into the work world. I am sure there will be a day that he has a job and won’t be able to help Junior the way he does now. J has started paying for his own cell phone. I am proud of that for him. He stops in the grocery store and picks up food that he wants as he stays at our place. We feed him but we don’t eat junk food so if he wants any, he has to get his own. A few times J has had to take his Mom some place and used our car. J has learned to put gas in the tank. He truly has learned many lessons. J even is starting to get himself up. He stays up late into the night and often gets up late in the day. He sets his alarm and gets himself up. He then finds Junior and the two go to work on whatever project they are dealing with. Sometimes after we go to bed J works on things he has been doing. I pray J won’t be a second generation child living on welfare. In this area I have seen several generations of families that have not worked. They collect welfare and that is it. I think welfare is good and it is bad. As a kid we depended on public assistance for a period of time while Dad got back on his feet so to speak after polio. I am always grateful that Dad went back to work even if the wages were low and Mom had to mainly support our family. That is the work ethic I used as I entered marriage and my husband kept getting pay cuts. I went to work to help support our family. I even went to college for a bit to get enough credits to do the job I was doing. It worked and I earned a decent wage. I never cared if I was a top wage earner. Our children never went without food, utilities or a roof over their head. I am proud of that. They did live in an angry home where fists often flew. Many times I thought I was doing the right thing, I really did. I felt I was sticking up for my kids so I would stand my ground as far as they were concerned. I’d yell back, slug back in my attempt to give to my kids. They don’t see that is what I did. They see me as angry as their father and frankly I can’t change their thinking. With my children’s generation the awful ugly abuse has seemed to leave the family blood line. I hold that thought often especially when I am grieving our relationship that is minimal at best. I see my grandchildren growing up in a fairly loving environment and that makes me happy. I have missed a good portion of my grandchildren’s growing up as well. It hurts but I really don’t see any other way than the way I handled life. My Ex likes to make me look like the bad guy and frankly as long as I don’t have to be near him I truly don’t care. I took my pain to God. God has held me, guided me and well I’m good with that. It isn’t what I wanted but to know the peace I now know…..well…..that is ok. Where does your peace come from? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 24, 2015

July 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am thinking about baptism today. A few years ago I was baptized in the river behind the house we were living at. So a few years have passed and my wonderment is has the baptism really helped me in my faith journey. It is not something I think about often to tell you the truth but as I sit and ponder this I see where I have grown. For me the baptism was a turning the corner in my life and I see where I have truly turned that corner for the most part. I saw the Jordan and Red Sea the two places where God parted the water for the Israelites as new beginnings for God’s people. For me I saw the river behind our house as a new start for me. I felt God had called us to this new place. As I look back I see that many changes have indeed taken place and for the most part my MI life is now gone and VA is here to stay. I have moved forward out of my fear of my ex. I have let go of the sadness I feel at raising my children in such a dysfunctional home. God keeps reminding me that I cannot go back and fix the wrongs of yesteryear and He teaches me to move in the “here and now.” As I learn how to live in the here and now I find myself accepting that life was at one time very hard for me to bear. I find the joy of the here and now. God has placed me in a marriage to a man who truly understands me. I feel like I am a cherished wife and it is precious. Our pets love on us. The people out here love on us. I feel acceptable for the first time in my life and it is wonderful. As I cry to the Lord about my not being the best mother to my kids, God often reminds me that I did the best I could at the time. My biggest regret these days is that I did not have my faith journey I have today back then. Frankly learning to trust God has been a process. For me men hurt. I wanted their attention and hated it as well. I truly did not know what a good relationship was like. I entered into counseling time and time again and later after my divorce I entered into a faith journey and frankly that is when I see the most progress. I needed the counseling but with God I have felt tenderness. I have needed tenderness for a long time and did not know it. Junior and I have been married 15 years now, amazing! Junior first taught me that men don’t have to be angry over every detail in life. In all these years Junior has never once offered to hit me. For the first time in my life I see a man who does get angry from time to time but does not need to strike out in his anger. In Junior’s gentleness I have learned that God isn’t going to hurt me as well. As I learn to trust God with every aspect of my life I begin to know a peace I never knew existed before. I want to beat myself up for not being a better parent, for not knowing God. I went to church but for some reason I did not get the “walk with Jesus” part. It took the divorce for me to finally learn how to give God my all. I believe God knew what would get me to know Him. For me it was the devastation of a long marriage ending in divorce. It was that moment where I lost all hope in my abilities to change things and began to trust God with all of my life. I believe that the baptism was a turning point and so I am very grateful for being baptized. I keep learning that God has given us the way to go. If we follow God’s way then we begin to see forward movement in our lives God does not expect us to come to Him with all the answers at first. God takes you where you are at and He grows you into who He wants you to be. One of the sayings I find very comforting of late is that church is not a place for perfect people. We all come to the throne of grace with a lot of baggage. This church out here has helped me accept me as I am and then allows me to grow up in the Lord. As my health has gone bad overall I also have learned that I am ADHD. For most of my life others in my life displayed their ADD ways a lot more than I did. I was able to run till I fell into bed exhausted most nights. My ADHD ways weren’t as obvious as my child, my Ex etc. I have had to learn to slow down because I can’t make my body run like it used to. In the slowing down I continue to meet God. It is such a comfort to know that I am acceptable as I am. I no longer have the great need to make everyone happy. My goal is to be a woman after God’s own heart. Most people will find something wrong with the way I am so God has become my standard. Junior has been an outcast for most of his life. When he is walking close with God though he is comfortable being the man that he is and as I watch Junior I begin to accept the person I am in the Lord. So others won’t come out and see the life we have set up in VA? That is ok. I love the house we have been planted in, the country road we live on and my beautiful walks. I love our drives and the mountains filled with trees. I love even seeing a bear and her cubs on the side of the road as we drove by. It is awesome and there is a peace I have never known before. Nope life hasn’t gone the way I dreamed it would and in the Lord though it is much more than I could have imagined. I no longer have a need to be loved by each and every person I meet. The goal these days is to be the woman God wants me to be and in that I find life acceptable. As I ponder this, I am very happy that I was baptized. It is a point where I see things turning around and I know that I know that God is real. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet

July 23, 2015

July 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am out on the deck journaling and writing and loving the quiet peace. Mary Jane one of the cats is beside me helping me eat my bagel and cream cheese. We just got back from our morning walk and the quiet feels real nice. I am out of breath but happy. Our walk these days is around 15 min. and 3 good hills to go up and down so I am fairly worn out when we get back and each week sees me being able to come back not as wore out and that feels awesome. Our dogs join us as we walk along the country lane. They run ahead, stop and smell things and then run on again. After the bear sighting I am grateful for their company. A dead snake is in the middle of the road and again I am thankful because more than likely the kids will find anything that can harm me and let me know. Junior generally joins me on my morning walk which to me is precious couple time. He comes home, reads the mail and takes his nap and I enter into writing and housework. I love the pace life is settling into. I am not worrying when I can’t tackle major jobs and I am pleased with my get something done and enjoy where the house will take me. I invited our youth Minister and his wife by next week. Their baby is still fairly stationary so I will learn to put barricades up that could cause her harm. They are young and I often get my mother mode going when I am with E. She feels like a daughter and for me that feels real nice. I can part my older woman wisdom to her and she doesn’t get offended. They being young know how to work around the internet and at this point I’d like to learn a few more things. I have yet to find a class I can take so this will do. My latest desire is to get a Bible on my smart phone. Right now I have daily passages sent to me on my e-mail but I’d like a Bible I can reference, read along with at church and the like. I stop writing for a moment. I hear a bird sing and another bird answer back. I feel the breeze move ever so slightly across my face. Mary Jane has given up on the bagel and has curled up and is napping. The sun is bright and I am under the shade feature with no sun on me. I love sunny days just not on my body. Again a bird sings out and I stop and listen. My thoughts come back once more. Slowly ever so slowly the routines are starting to fill in and I feel whole again. This afternoon I will mop around the area rugs. I will dust maybe. Next week I want to clean off the shelf in the hallway organizing it more so. I just found 4-5 lotions in different spots and decide I would do good organizing so I don’t spend so much money on stuff especially when I don’t need it. I again think about K and E and B stopping by for a visit next week. That excites me. I have wanted to share our home and the work Junior is doing. They will walk around and give the appropriate voice of approval. This year for the holidays I think I will try to host one or two events like Christmas Day for family and friends. That excites me too. B and J will be here I am sure and now our “family” will grow a bit as we invite more to share the day with us. I know that soon Junior will start on the kitchen. As the weather continues to heat up he will find that coming inside to be more tolerable. That means a kitchen will begin to truly take shape. I am excited at this prospect. I realize how God has helped me accept this man’s to me strange ways. I have learned to live with projects starting, stopping and new ones taking shape. As I continue to see the fruits of Junior’s labor I again appreciate that he works in a manner strange to me. He continues to finish projects and his creative talents continue to amaze me. My dressers have been emptied and one is out of the bedroom. It is on the enclosed porch and stuff begins to find its way into the drawers and clutter is down. That helps me settle better and enjoy our home even more so. As I have started moping around the area rugs I find that Junior is doing our bedroom, the hallway and in front of my chair. I am good with him taking this over if he wants to. He helps and I like letting him do the things he likes to do. Again I find myself excited that we will have visitors next week. I am working at getting the house in order, company order that is. I am not ashamed if someone stops in and sees things out of place because we aren’t overly messy. I do like the idea of fussing a bit. I think it is a woman thing. My goal for next week is dusting. For some reason that has been let go so I will get the dust cloth out with wax and do the furniture. From then on I will use a feather duster……for the most part. Starting next week then I will mop, dust, pick up and keep the bathroom clean and the bedroom sheets clean. That makes me feel good. I am no longer upset that I can’t tackle major jobs in a day or so and I am enjoying the pace of a few jobs done every day or so. I’ve been making lunch – our main meal most days again. Well I make something and we eat on it for a day or two then I make something else. This works real nice for us. For dinner I tend to heat up refried beans or such….that has protein in it and keeps me till morning. Once in a while I will nibble on a spoon of peanut butter if I am hungry. Oh and as it is warm out we are having a bowl of ice cream many nights. Yup even this little routine feels good. Gone are the days of drama for the sake of drama. I tell Junior often how much I love our boring life and frankly it is awesome to me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am out on the deck journaling and writing and loving the quiet peace. Mary Jane one of the cats is beside me helping me eat my bagel and cream cheese. We just got back from our morning walk and the quiet feels real nice. I am out of breath but happy. Our walk these days is around 15 min. and 3 good hills to go up and down so I am fairly worn out when we get back and each week sees me being able to come back not as wore out and that feels awesome. Our dogs join us as we walk along the country lane. They run ahead, stop and smell things and then run on again. After the bear sighting I am grateful for their company. A dead snake is in the middle of the road and again I am thankful because more than likely the kids will find anything that can harm me and let me know. Junior generally joins me on my morning walk which to me is precious couple time. He comes home, reads the mail and takes his nap and I enter into writing and housework. I love the pace life is settling into. I am not worrying when I can’t tackle major jobs and I am pleased with my get something done and enjoy where the house will take me. I invited our youth Minister and his wife by next week. Their baby is still fairly stationary so I will learn to put barricades up that could cause her harm. They are young and I often get my mother mode going when I am with E. She feels like a daughter and for me that feels real nice. I can part my older woman wisdom to her and she doesn’t get offended. They being young know how to work around the internet and at this point I’d like to learn a few more things. I have yet to find a class I can take so this will do. My latest desire is to get a Bible on my smart phone. Right now I have daily passages sent to me on my e-mail but I’d like a Bible I can reference, read along with at church and the like. I stop writing for a moment. I hear a bird sing and another bird answer back. I feel the breeze move ever so slightly across my face. Mary Jane has given up on the bagel and has curled up and is napping. The sun is bright and I am under the shade feature with no sun on me. I love sunny days just not on my body. Again a bird sings out and I stop and listen. My thoughts come back once more. Slowly ever so slowly the routines are starting to fill in and I feel whole again. This afternoon I will mop around the area rugs. I will dust maybe. Next week I want to clean off the shelf in the hallway organizing it more so. I just found 4-5 lotions in different spots and decide I would do good organizing so I don’t spend so much money on stuff especially when I don’t need it. I again think about K and E and B stopping by for a visit next week. That excites me. I have wanted to share our home and the work Junior is doing. They will walk around and give the appropriate voice of approval. This year for the holidays I think I will try to host one or two events like Christmas Day for family and friends. That excites me too. B and J will be here I am sure and now our “family” will grow a bit as we invite more to share the day with us. I know that soon Junior will start on the kitchen. As the weather continues to heat up he will find that coming inside to be more tolerable. That means a kitchen will begin to truly take shape. I am excited at this prospect. I realize how God has helped me accept this man’s to me strange ways. I have learned to live with projects starting, stopping and new ones taking shape. As I continue to see the fruits of Junior’s labor I again appreciate that he works in a manner strange to me. He continues to finish projects and his creative talents continue to amaze me. My dressers have been emptied and one is out of the bedroom. It is on the enclosed porch and stuff begins to find its way into the drawers and clutter is down. That helps me settle better and enjoy our home even more so. As I have started moping around the area rugs I find that Junior is doing our bedroom, the hallway and in front of my chair. I am good with him taking this over if he wants to. He helps and I like letting him do the things he likes to do. Again I find myself excited that we will have visitors next week. I am working at getting the house in order, company order that is. I am not ashamed if someone stops in and sees things out of place because we aren’t overly messy. I do like the idea of fussing a bit. I think it is a woman thing. My goal for next week is dusting. For some reason that has been let go so I will get the dust cloth out with wax and do the furniture. From then on I will use a feather duster……for the most part. Starting next week then I will mop, dust, pick up and keep the bathroom clean and the bedroom sheets clean. That makes me feel good. I am no longer upset that I can’t tackle major jobs in a day or so and I am enjoying the pace of a few jobs done every day or so. I’ve been making lunch – our main meal most days again. Well I make something and we eat on it for a day or two then I make something else. This works real nice for us. For dinner I tend to heat up refried beans or such….that has protein in it and keeps me till morning. Once in a while I will nibble on a spoon of peanut butter if I am hungry. Oh and as it is warm out we are having a bowl of ice cream many nights. Yup even this little routine feels good. Gone are the days of drama for the sake of drama. I tell Junior often how much I love our boring life and frankly it is awesome to me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is an at home day. I do a little bit of housework, sit on the porch and then come in and do some more housework. I love it. We ate lunch on the deck today our first meal together out there and yup we loved it. It is a hot day today and yup I’ve had the heaves. I hate them but they are what I must deal with so I accept them. This sitting and then getting up and doing works out real nice and I love it. I love seeing order come to our lives too. Only one of our cats has yet to come out on the deck. He is getting blind…..that may be why he won’t head out there. The other cats come out, sun themselves and hang out with me and they love it that the dogs are not a part of this moment. We have the air on, the ceiling fans and they feel real nice as I enter into the house. Both dressers in our bedroom are now empty. I have decided to get rid of a lot more shoes and I am using the shoe rack/bin for my summer clothes…..I like that. Junior is about done putting together the unit that has basket drawers and that will be for my under wear. I like that thought too. All of my shoes are able to fit underneath the benches in the entry way. I have a box and the shoes are in two boxes on each side of the door. I have winter shoes in one and summer shoes in the other. It works out nicely. The shoe holes in the unit fit summer clothes and pajamas nicely. I mentioned to Junior that the dressers could be put out on the enclosed porch and things could be stored in the drawers. When J comes back to help out I do believe they may move the dressers to the porch…….and then I will need to find a chair for Junior to sleep in in our bedroom. Slowly the porch and yard are getting cleaned up and this girl is a happy camper! I dream of the day where the house and yard will be in order more than disorder…..soon I hope. I am working on an idea for the bathroom shelves. It seems that we have a lot of clutter and of course it is driving me nuts. I am able to move about slowly and accomplish bits of things and yup I love it. Gone are the days where I could tackle a project in a few hours. These days I work steadily at things and slowly order and pretty rooms begin to take shape. We are tending to keep our doors open even though there is no screen door. I long for either a screen to hang up or screen doors. I love the view, the breeze and it is so nice. Junior was flipping through a catalog and he saw a screen to hang over the door way. I think we will soon have one and I’d be real happy. I am also excited with my hair. I have pulled it back in a half pony tail and it feels real cool. I asked Junior if he liked the look….he is a sweet heart and said he does. With my hair pulled back I feel cooler so I am happy that he doesn’t mind the look. I love moving from the deck to inside the house and back again. It is fun. I love when I go outside on the deck that it is a cat only zone. They are hot and are sitting/laying in the shade sleeping. I love their quiet ways. I love the playfulness of the dogs as well. I can enter into either comfort zone throughout the day and I love it. I am once more praying during the day. This makes me real happy. I had gotten away from prayer time during the day and it is again part of my routine. I wrote on the black board “Pray.” This has helped me to enter back into prayer time. There are days that I get up and we run. Those days I don’t always pray. It is what it is. I am happy for the prayer time though when I am home and moving about my day slowly. I love thinking “outside” myself and prayers gives me a chance to focus on others. I also love my bedtime prayers as well. I love falling asleep talking to God and I love waking up talking to God. It is so precious. At bedtime I tend to look at Jesus’ death on a cross. It helps me to see the gift I’ve been given and to appreciate God’s love even more so. I also love asking God to teach me to be the wife Junior needs. I truly don’t think this marriage is good because of my natural abilities. I think it is God opening my eyes and heart for this man that is what is making our marriage so special. I also marvel at how I loose hatred of people. I loose anger as well. It is a marvel that praying does it. I no longer have a need to haul off and slug someone when they upset me. I may have to talk to God but overall that old need of slugging people just isn’t who I am these days. As I write and look out the door I see a humming bird up on the wire. I love those birds! In my prayers I tend to see God’s creation from the smallest to the largest like the humming bird and the ostrich. It is a marvel to me to see the various sizes creation comes in. I love the green of summer. God’s creation encompasses so much. It is a marvel as well. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am out on the deck again and Junior has hung me a temporary shade feature. This is so helpful so I can see my computer screen…..and not be blinded by the direct sunlight. Today we went to the Chiropractor which is a 3 hour journey. We stopped for lunch at Pizza Plus, got some gas, went to the feed store in search of home grown honey and then stopped in to visit a former minister friend. We also made a run by the car repair shop to get the HHR. Now I am on the deck waiting for the sheets to dry, journaling, writing and hopefully soon praying. That is the goal. At bedtime these days and as I fall asleep and wake up throughout the night I have a tendency to pray through Jesus’ last hours. For me looking at the last hours of Jesus’ life helps me to continue on my faith journey. I see that I matter to God and so by looking at the price our Lord paid to redeem me helps me to keep on in the faith. For the longest time I was praying in my chair after reading my Bible, journaling and such. A few errands and running right away and I have gotten away from the day time prayers. This irritates me that I do that. I once more subscribe to the line “it is what it is.” Today I wrote on the black board by my chair…..”pray.” That is helping me to g o back into prayer. I am thankful for my nighttime prayers. In that I have stayed tuned into God and His will in my life. Part of the reason I also like praying is I learn to quit focusing only on “me.” I’d love for the world to revolve around me and guess what? It does not. So when I pray I begin to focus on God and less on “me.” I find myself continuing that private discussion. It goes something like this, “When I am focused on me then life becomes about me and my desires. God is always saying we need to focus on Him and then the argument tries to reign in my mind. If God wants everything to be about Him, then isn’t that selfish on God’s part?” Right after I think this thought I find myself put out with me. As I step back and think even more I begin to see that a total mindset on God is really for my best. My life has finally found direction and peace once I asked God to be the center of my life. The more I try to live “all” of my life for God the better my insides are. I don’t want to not live for the Lord anymore but I still have that debate floating around in my brain even after all these years. Recently God asked me to give more of myself to Him and I debated that as well. I am angry that I even had to question this. I’ve started asking God to teach me how to give “all of me” to Him. God is and I am slowly turning more and more over to God. The more I give “me” to God the more peace I feel and I may have hard work but for some reason it feels ok. I am always thankful that Junior loves God and tries to follow God in every aspect of his life. I get the benefit of having a kind, caring husband. I find that God often opens my heart to Junior as well, especially if Junior is befuddling me. I want to pitch a temper tantrum and God always opens my eyes to Junior’s heart and frankly I don’t want to upset my man over some little no nothing problem. I love having God at the center of my/our life. I love the way I am able to not get worked up and mad about little things. I love that fighting is not how we do life. So when God wanted more and I found myself balking I was startled. I quickly realized that I could not give my “all” without an assist. I can’t and it is what it is. In prayer though I find asking God to help me to work. I also want a “works” kind of life for the Lord. God does not want that. I can’t do enough “good works to earn my way into heaven. The older I get the less I am able to do and that frustrates me to no end. I am learning though that God wants my heart and when I give God my heart I seem to do the work God wants, not what I want. I love writing. I believe God gave me the ability to write and the desire as well. When I am writing I find myself being content in the quieter life I have in old age. I love it really. I love that Junior and I live a boring life. I tell him that often. Gone are the days of drama for the sake of drama. Gone are the days where I fight over every little thing. Junior continues to teach me how to not get all worked up about each detail in life. It feels awesome. I even learn that Junior loves me and is not going anywhere. It has been hard for me to realize that love means you stick out the fun times and the bad times. Junior isn’t going anywhere and frankly that feels ever so wonderful. I often feel so unwanted. I feel like I am different than most people and my different ways are strange. God though makes me feel like I am ok. Junior makes me feel wanted, precious and I begin to leave behind the need to be wanted because I am a wanted child of God. Where is your heart focused? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, As I write I am remembering. I tend to do this as each day comes throughout the year. Today 21 years ago Doug died. He was only 12 and died on a school trip to science camp. He and some friends asked if they could go swim after playing volley ball and it was warm outside. The kids took off to the water after they got the go ahead. Most of them went into the water. Apparently Doug wasn’t feeling good. He got up on the deck, vomited and sat there. One of the kids went to tell an adult. They waved him off. Apparently Doug vomited, fell into the water and drowned. We don’t know for sure. That is what they pieced together afterwards. In the confusion of the moment he was forgotten. At meal time the teacher was doing a count and realized Doug was not there. A search for him began. They found Doug in 3 feet or so of water. Apparently he vomited, fell into the water and somehow drowned. His parents got a call to come to the hospital right away. The other two children were dropped off at my house. My husband had taken off. I was doing homework for my class at school and keeping an eye on our children and then on the niece and nephew as we waited to hear what in the world Doug had done to himself. We were thinking he was injured. A couple hours later a phone call informed me that Doug had died. Not the type of news we were expecting. At home I had four children to break the news two, two cousins and a brother and sister. I was alone. A few phone calls and I could not locate my then husband. I was not sure what was going to happen as I told the children so I called our minister. He came by and helped me tell the news to the four children. My son I found out years later heard the news and jumped on his bike and rode around for hours. My daughter I can’t answer but my head says she played oldest cousin and watched after her two cousins the best she knew how. B sat and cried on our minister’s arm for a very long time. He would not even lift his head to look at anyone. The niece was only four and handled it the way they can. She played and ran around and grieved the way four year olds grieve. For years afterward the niece carried a picture of her brother in her little girl purse. It was an 8x10 picture of her brother. She would pull it out and show people her brother. She was precious right after the accident when she was being her four year old self. She wanted her big wheel off the porch and no one wanted to take it down. She then stomped her feet and said “If Doug were here he’d do it” and Doug most likely would have. He pampered his sister. We made it through the next days. Everything is a blur and I barely remember them. I had two precious girlfriends who came by to help us out. They would take the kids home, feed them, bathe them and even put them to bed while we attended the funeral, the dinner afterwards where we as a family would come together and sit and talk at a restaurant. Doug was all boy and was a wild good kid. I remember how crazy our home was each Christmas as the boys played. I remember the year all the boys had patches on one eye. They had lazy eye and a trip to the mall meant there were three boys with an eye patch on and yup they created a lot of attention. Doug was gone and there was a huge hole in all the gatherings. We had our gatherings but something was missing and it was hard not to notice. Slowly though life began to move forward. We learned to accept the fact that one of our own was missing and it hurt. We learned to accept what we did not want to accept. We learned to laugh again. We learned to move forward even if our hearts did not want to. It has been 22 years now. I can’t believe it. Dad has been gone 21 years and Mom has been gone 14 years. Even Grandma has been gone for years now. At first I did not know how we would be able to move past those closest to us not being around. One day at a time though we learned to move forward. Today though we look back and see decades slip by. We have moved on. The kids are all grown; some have gone on to have children of their own. All the kids are married or in a committed relationship. I notice that there still are moments when they stop and remember their brother/cousin. They may tell some story about Doug. They won’t let him go completely that is for sure. Death has happened over and over again through the years. Mom, Dad and Grandma then there is my mother-in-law. My father-in-law was one of the first for me to say good-bye to. The initial moments are of shock and bewilderment. Then we tend to accept it and finally one day we see that we are living life even though a loved one is now gone. I often wonder what Doug would have done. I don’t feel too much that way about Dad, Mom, Grandma and my mother in law. I know on some level that they lived long lives and so that does not play out in my thoughts but Doug….I often wonder what kind of choices he would have made. My childhood was hard. I think my parents did the best they could but there was so much anger and frankly I find myself feeling relief. I don’t have to argue my point. I don’t have to defend myself like I always did back then. My family doesn’t do the close family thing either. Sister and brother and I often would not interact with each other for years on end. My kids and I talk but don’t talk. Sometimes we see each other and more often than not we don’t. I see people devastated when a loved one dies. I generally feel some sort of relief. I no longer have to defend why I did a certain thing. When Mom was dying I knew it was a matter of days. So I started sorting through her stuff and trying to get rid of it. It was a way for me to cope. Brother did not like me getting rid of things before Mom died. I did it to accept what was coming. Neither way was the right way or wrong way. I needed to let go in my way and I was not trying to upset anyone but I did. An end will come to all of us. It will. My hope is Jesus. He helps me move past the pain. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 15, 2013

July 15, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am moving very slow. I can barely walk straight and it appears I either have an ear infection or wax build up. Junior will drive me to the Doctor this afternoon. I could not go outside for my daily walk so I jumped on the elliptical a few times. Good for me….I’ve been cooking fairly steadily again for about a week. That one took me a while to get back into. I still struggle with this older age thing and being the energetic person I once was. Yesterday I even made some muffins…..which was fun and real easy since they were from a mix. I continue to move forward with getting my retirement routines set and in order. So far I’ve moped the bare floors around the area rugs once and now that needs to be part of my weekly routine. So far this week I’ve read my Sunday school lesson and I picked up a devotional from church and I have read today’s reading….I do like reading Scripture from different sources along with a daily reading of the Bible. Junior is working on putting up a roof for our new deck which will help me have less sun in my face, on my computer and such. I have never been a sun worshiper that said I would rather it be sunny outside than cloudy. I just like sitting in the shade as opposed to direct sunlight. My new smart phone has died and I am waiting for a new one to come in the mail. I can’t believe how quickly I’ve gotten used to having FB, internet and e-mails at my disposal. I am on the hyper side so having these distractions keeps me from talking too much want to change what I am doing etc. and Mr. Junior get a break from my constant chatter. I continue to enjoy that settling into retirement feeling. I can’t believe it is taking me a few years to get to the point of being settled. Now that most of my health issues have been dealt with it seems like I am able to settle into routines more easily. Most days I walk outside for about 15minutes to half an hour. If the weather is not great or I am not up to par I will jump on the elliptical. I sleep well most nights and get up maybe once a week which is great from the night to night get up routine I had going. This summer we will have owned this house for three years and we have lived in it now for 2 ½ years. Not a day goes by where I don’t fall in love with our new home, the country lane outside our door and the wonderful mountains and forests around us. I love the laid back pace that is part of this area. I love the people who love me and it feels awesome. I truly thought Junior was going to be working on our kitchen but the deck has taken over his attention. I am now good with his need to switch projects right in the middle of another project. He does finish his projects and when it is done I find he has done a marvelous job. The getting to the done part is still confusing but my insides don’t get all knotted up anymore. I know that I know that Junior will complete what he starts. I love thinking about how much I love this relationship. I probably do a mental comparison each day. I love that we rarely fight. I love that Junior comes to me for input on what he does with the house. I love that Junior likes to tease with me. I am not the brunt of his jokes. We promised each other when we married that we would not use put down humor and for the most part we have not given in to it. In the last few years we seem to adopt pets. I think we’d have a stronger backbone if we knew that the pets would be adopted but no they are put down fairly much right away so we take babies in that we did not intend to adopt so they can live. That said though if the animal is too aggressive we won’t keep it. We have 4 dogs and five cats. The cats love the porch area with no dogs allowed. Junior has made a hole in the wall for them to come and go as they choose. The younger cats even get themselves down off the porch even though it is up high. When we married children were not going to happen. We were getting too old to have children. We did have a niece move in for a year and we treat her like a daughter. Our children are our pets. Junior wants to be the alpha male so it works. I’m not up to training the children anymore so he does it and I follow his lead. It works. Animals love Junior. I could allow myself to get jealous but I don’t. Junior gives me enough attention and frankly I don’t mind picking up where he leaves off in giving our children attention. It works. The porch time with the cats makes it even sweeter because we can be friends without the dogs hogging the attention. In this life I tend to have all the attention I need. Gone are the days of trying to be noticed. I am good at being behind the scenes these days. Again Junior gives me the attention I have so desperately wanted for a lifetime. Junior has let very few people inside of him. His Marine Corp buddies and me and a friend from his high school days and I feel special that Junior has allowed me into that deep core of his being. That is a place not many people have been invited into and it feels awesome. I believe God was the match maker and I marvel at how well we continue to connect. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 13, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Those thoughts that want to take me down keep trying to pop into my head. They tell me I wasn’t the greatest mother, the best wife and the list goes on and on. I go to prayer talking to God about the pain in my soul. Soon I am out on the porch looking at trees, listening to birds sing and you know what? I figure out I did the best I could with what I knew at that time and I can’t be what I wasn’t because that is then and this is now and the past can’t be fixed. So I begin to move into the here and now. Junior is my best friend in this world. Jesus is my strength and comfort and life truly is alright. It isn’t what I envisioned it to be but it is a good life even though the “old” me did things wrong. I marvel again at Junior. He was such a not nice guy, a guy no one would want to run into on a dark corner. He met Jesus for the 2nd time as a young father and has turned his life around. He is a marvel to me. He does not live in the yesterday and he moves on with today. He accepts that was then and this is now and I keep learning to let go. As we walked this morning some of the past stuff came up. We both found each other at a time of healing and growth. We are not the dysfunctional people we once were. I always want to think we would have been able to overcome. Frankly if we were together back then we’d more than likely not be married at this time. I have him, he as me as we have grown in the Lord so we are thankful for this moment. We walk the country lane with our dogs. The greenery is astounding. Our chatter is friendly and life feels ever so wonderful. I get home, make us lunch, journal a bit and a blog thought comes to me so now I am blogging. Life is moving along. It is peaceful for the most part. It isn’t what I wanted but somehow in the Lord it is wonderful and I feel like I matter and I have work to do. That feels awesome. God wants me. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to be someone. No one has been impressed with me so now I find myself worth in the Lord. I know days on end without pain. I love to sit at home, on the porch, in the front room where ever and I enjoy each and every day. My ex seems to convince both family and friends that I was the problem in the marriage and I marvel that I truly don’t care. I know what went on. God knows what went on and frankly if he needs to have “man’s” approval go right ahead. I have God’s approval….love, direction and again life couldn’t be sweeter. The “ex” got my brother and sister in law, Mom, most of the friends we had and I have one friend from my life back then and frankly that is ok, finally. He seems to have the kids ear as well. If I hear one more time “Dad says” I’d like to scream. I don’t care what that man thinks, doesn’t anybody get that? Would I run like I did after the divorce, yes I would. I am sad that the kids blame me but they see things the way the see things so if I was the huge problem well I can’t make them change. All I know is I ran as hard in the opposite direction after the divorce. I knew he’d try to show me that he was the best thing in the world and frankly he was not. With Junior for the first time I have learned a man has no right to slug his woman. Junior’s comment to me when I worried about being hit in this relationship was if I annoyed him that much, I might get one slug but he’d walk out….he didn’t want to be with a woman that irritated him that much. From then on I have felt safe. Sometimes I get the impression people find Junior to be a little much. He has an opion and is not afraid to share it. He will tell you that if you don’t know Jesus then you are headed to hell. This boldness can be a turn off for a lot of people. I’ve met the guy on the inside…..Junior’s heart. It is amazing and wonderful and frankly I’m not going anywhere. This is the man who took me in and has taught me that men don’t have to pound on women. He is the one who has held me as my children have walked away. He is the one who laughs at my antics and finds me to be acceptable. After a lifetime of feeling un acceptable and un wanted…..Junior feels good all the way down inside of me. So if people find him repulsive, I can’t control their feelings. I know the guy, his heart and his love for Jesus. I’ll take Junior any day. God has had us move to VA. Here we are accepted even though we have strange ways. People tend to get Junior’s rough ways and even like him. So here we stay. He works on our house and it is amazing what he is creating. He was never taught to work on things and he teaches himself how to do things. Sometimes he pulls a project apart many times before it looks the way he wants it to look in the end though it is wonderful. We go for walks down our country lane with our dogs and peace floods our beings. We go to church and feel welcomed into this community. As I sit on the new deck where dogs aren’t allowed to be the cats come to me and remind me how important I am in their lives. The goal continues to be to learn to give God my all. My struggle of “isn’t that selfish” as I keep learning to give God everything changes to “I am amazed” as I learn how to give God more and more of myself. Have you learned to give God any part of you? Is it time to begin this journey? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 10, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am thinking once more about a church family. Today the teens are here helping Junior dig a trench. We will pay them what we can which will go towards them going to camp. It is a win win situation. They will do the back breaking work and Junior gets a much needed rest from some of the labor of renovating our home. I have joined a women’s Bible study and frankly my monthly get together with these women help me in my spiritual journey. Some of the women have been Christians decades longer than I have been. Some are new Christians and we tend to blend our experience together. We each learn from the other, help the other understand hard concepts. On occasion we have a potluck at church just to share a meal. Sometimes the youth will put on a dinner for the married people, the dating people within the church. It is another fund raiser for the kids to go to camp and the adults get to be a couple for a bit. As I ponder life I wonder how in the world people manage without a church home. When Dad and Mom were dying I found my church family stepping beside me. Sometimes I cried, sometimes people came by with words of encouragement. It is hard to say good-bye to people and a church family being close at hand helps with the whole process. Here in VA the church helps me as much as any church or more so. I miss having interaction with young people so I am able to talk with young women. I give them my knowledge and they seem to appreciate my view on life. Sometimes I call a friend just to chat. The friend may be a widow or have just had surgery and I am able to connect for a bit and bring them comfort. I haven’t gotten as involved with as much volunteering as I have done in the past. I can’t. I do love folding the church bulletins once a week. I help straighten the pews out and I find contentment. Each time I try to do more, I find myself not being able to be the helper I was in the past. So I reach out as I am able. God is teaching me to sit at home more. In the sitting I find myself writing down my thoughts and discoveries. I believe God is teaching me to be a writer and bringing an everyday message of my faith journey to others. I don’t know why but for the longest time I felt if I truly “got it” with my faith journey that I’d be blessed, get a lot of money and have nice things. I thought that I’d be popular as well. That was what I thought. Of course this is not why God wants us in a relationship with Him just so we can get things. Through the years I have learned that God is preparing me. Some of the stuff I learn now will be used in heaven some-how. I don’t know how but some way God will use what I am learning right now. I often find myself amazed at what I have overcome, learned etc. I am a survivor of abuse both childhood and adult abuse. I am able to offer hope to women who are struggling through abuse. Sometimes I offer hope to a young mother. Sometimes I am a friend to someone who is struggling. The strangest, wonderful lesson of late I seem to keep coming back to is that God wants ALL of me. I struggle giving ALL of me to God. I pray and God is helping me to let go of the strongholds in my life that are holding me back. The more I let go and let God be my all-consuming God the more I find peace within my being. I have always believed that God was real. I just did not figure out how to be in relationship with Him till my divorce. I was at the lowest I could get and I began talking to God as if He were right next to me. He is and as I learned to talk with God I learned for the first time that I am not alone. I hate being alone I really do. Knowing that God is beside me, guiding me comforts me to no end. I believe that because of my Dad and first husband that I got a wrong idea of God and His love. Both men were cruel and I had thought that all men were mean. There were times I was afraid even God would be hard to please like Dad and the first husband were. As I learned to talk to God one on one and listen for His direction I found out God is truly a caring loving God who wants my highest good. God sent Junior into my life to show a man’s desire to help a woman be all she can be. As I pray God teaches me to be what Junior needs and that my guy does not want me fussing all over him. I watch him a lot and as he hurts I have learned to back off leave him alone. At this point I ask rarely if he is hurting because Junior does not want to talk about his pain. I think for Junior he feels if he talks about his pain he is giving into the pain and can’t walk away. By dealing with it on his own in his mind I think Junior can strive to live as normally as he can. I have also found when Junior is driving me nuts that if I pray and ask God to open my eyes to him that I begin to see Junior with a new set of eyes. I am able to let Junior be Junior. I don’t try to make him into someone I want in my heart. He can’t even begin to imagine what I want so it is not fair to expect him to be what I dream of. For the longest time I worried about Junior’s tendency to hoard. I started taking that fear to the Lord. God has opened my eyes to Junior’s generous heart. He has made me realize that Junior loves me enough to not over fill our home with so much stuff we can’t move. God has also taught me to relax some of my standards as well. In the process we have blended two very different styles of living into a comfort level for each of us. Junior hates a spotless home. I hate a home where there are paths and if you go off the path you may be lost. I grew up with that. Junior’s mother was so clean that no one dared to leave behind a pile of anything. Junior also likes doing some sort of housework. He does the dishes, I can’t due to allergies. Junior’s likes vacuuming the floors. He loves doing laundry. I like clean sheets on the bed and keep up with that. I keep up with dusting and we both cook. It works. Since my older years are taking a toll on my energy level, Junior’s help’s me with some of the housework. It is nice to be honest. If Junior needs me to bring him something or go to town then I do that for him. Yup I like being Junior’s helpmate and frankly it feels good. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

July 8, 2013 Greetings My Friend, This girl is about as happy as she can get. The porch/carport on the side of the house is done….and I’m in love with my quiet outdoor space. No dogs can visit since it is out of their reach. The cats come and go in quiet peace. The porch is on the high side so I see the trees, the forest all around. I see butterflies flit by and am in awe. I hear Junior hammering and on occasion he comes up the ladder and visits with me. Once in a while a car will drive by and our dogs think it is their duty to chase after the car. Peace surrounds my soul. I listen and then I listen some more. I feel the sun’s warmth and reveal in it. My thoughts run a mile a minute and I am in heaven. I can see me spending more and more time out here. No dogs to drag stuff onto the porch no dogs wanting to be petted and petted and then petted again. I love the cats wandering around, then they lie down and soak up the sun. I am living the dream that has tried to take stake through the years. I love the warm weather, the sounds of hammering, cats walking around quietly and birds singing their song to each other. The only bad thing is that the sun is so bright that I can’t see my computer screen…..so I am now indoors. I will be back outside in a bit. Junior has got my chair and will put it together in the next little while. Now I sit on temporary chairs. We will begin eating outside as well and again we won’t have furry friends helping us when we’d rather not. The umbrella kind of keeps the sun at bay but I can’t see the computer screen……but I sit and soak up the quiet peace. I go inside and put the sheets in the dryer and come back out to sit. I also can see me doing house work from the porch. I come in do some and then head back. My life is already plotting out my time on the porch and I am very excited. I love our wrap around porch but find it a pain at the same time. The dogs want me to love on them, they potty on the porch and frankly their piles aren’t pleasant to look at and smell. There is trash because the kids find stuff, bring it up and chew to their hearts content. This porch is mine all mine and no dog can visit unless I invite them. The cats have a hole to come and go as they please out to the porch and the cats are a quiet bit of love. As we settle more into our new life this girl falls deeper in love with her new home. I love the country quiet we live in. I love the trees that are on every side. I love seeing butterflies flit by and listening to birds talk in their sing song way. I love the summer warmth of the sun with and umbrella blocking out the bright sunshine. No one wants to come visit…..that is fine. I have this peace and it is awesome. I take a walk during the day and enjoy the beautiful scenes that are everywhere. I can’t do what I once did and frankly that is ok too. I have a beautiful quiet place to soak up life in. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t do and well life could not be sweeter. The more I sit out here the less I think on the old way of life. Gone is my fear of that man. Gone is the sadness that my kids don’t call. I sit here and love God and His majestic creation. Junior pops up on the ladder for a brief visit and I fall deeply in love with this man who made this dream come true. Underneath the porch is another carport. Junior hopes to set up his workshop instead of having it where the kids next door can see. I like that idea too. Then the porch area and the carport will be filled with less stuff and that makes me real happy. I can see us getting a fire pit to burn a few logs in. I can see me truly hanging out outside at night. I have strange fears about being outside after dark and this takes that fear away. Last night I missed turning the TV on to watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and came in to watch the news and then my night time TV programs and yup life is sweet. I like popping in to do a bit of housework and heading back outside. I do believe a new layer of cleaning and keeping house is about to take shape. I believe a new layer of keeping order is taking shape and I will not be embarrassed if someone stops by because the messiness of life will be under control for the most part. I won’t be fussy clean. Junior does not like it. Once more I know we are where we need to be in retirement. It is about as peaceful as it gets out here for Junior and I. I have a new writing spot and a third desk type area to write in. I love it. I can change my moods and write and I love it. I bought a pin wheel a couple of pretty porch decorations. Yup I am a girl and the first thing I want to do is decorate and I’ve done that. It isn’t a lot but it is a bit of color and personality and I love it. We continue to settle into this home. We fall in love over and over with this home. Once more I know for a fact that we are where God wants us to be and life is so sweet. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 6, 2013

July 6, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I read today’s Bible reading and found myself pondering. In the reading Jesus was being questioned rather intensely about His authority. Jesus replies to the effect that He is doing what God wants and if others don’t believe Him that is ok. As long as Jesus does what God wants that is all that matters I have been a person who is not taken real serious for a good portion of my life. As a child I learned that the sillier I was the less likely I was to get a beating. I used the same method in my previous marriage and it again worked. At times I play stupid. Again it was a way to save myself from getting a beating. Others needed to be better, brighter than me and I had a lot less pain if I let them be. I never tried to be better, smarter but that is how they took me. I play the dumb blond role a whole lot. At this point in my life it is more of a reflex reaction. Through the years Junior tends to enjoy my ability to think and do things. He even gets tired of my playing dumb. He accepts that is how I react but he’d rather I did not. I can’t change this quirk in my nature. It is what it is. As I read about Jesus I felt a need to prove myself rather him. I kept reading and I kept hearing Jesus state that God was all that mattered and if people did not believe Him that was too bad. That is how I heard it. Again I learned that not everyone is going to like, believe what I am or who I am. I kept mulling this thought around. As I hit my 60th birthday I am also finding that I don’t need the attention I strived for. I am comfortable with the person I am, in the Lord. Lately I take my self-doubt to God. I keep finding if God is happy that is all that matters. Yup I feel free finally and my whole goal in life these days is to be and do what God wants me to be. I tend to read my Bible and pray fairly much daily and sometimes throughout the day. The more I am in the Word and in prayer the more I hear God’s direction for me. The more I do what I hear God directing me to do the more contentment I feel. I like who I am in the Lord. After we moved to VA I had a person tell me that I made up the move. All I can say is Junior and I prayed and prayed, moved forward and prayed some more. Four years later I love where I am at. This is not all of the flesh because if I had my way I’d be a snow bird. In VA I have been accepted for whom I am, Junior is accepted as a guy who has an opinion and is not afraid to share it. We are who we are in the Lord. God opened Junior’s heart to ask a young man if he’d help him with our new to us home. The kid was walking down the train tracks smoking and walking. He came to help us as we needed help. His mother stopped by one day and a friendship was formed. She is in a way different economic status than us. This friend has been a friend to me at times when I have felt so unwanted and so low. Our humor tends to mesh with each other and we often get people giggling as we go about our shopping and what have you. She and her son often come to stay with us for a few days at a time. Sometimes I run her to Doctor Appointments and her son often will do the back breaking work that Junior can’t. We seem to be what each other needs. My friend’s back is messed up, she has diabetes and emphazymea. She has not been able to work in decades now due to the back injuries. I am slowing down with my various old age struggles and we often sit side by side sharing, laughing and doing life. Sometimes I make a meal or two and sometimes she makes a meal or two. When she first stopped by I had a few people tell me that I did not need to hang with this woman. I prayed and God directed me to be a friend. I’m glad I listened to God. She has some unusual ways. I have my strange ways and frankly I don’t find her strangeness to be a problem. I love her almost like a sister. I believe because I sensed that God wanted us to befriend these two that we have been blessed even though they are not “popular”. I feel that way about Junior as well. He is the first man that has taught me men don’t have to give into their anger and hurt those around them. He seeks my input from time to time. So he may not be a stud muffin but….in my eyes he is. It isn’t all about his looks. When I asked God if I should go off and marry Junior I felt a peace come over me. To be honest I have not been unhappy with him and so if he isn’t a stud muffin and a huge wage earner……I am content. We make a decent wage. We have what we need and some. It took me a while to learn how to wear clothes from a thrift store for my every day. These days I don’t care. I don’t have anything to prove by the label on my clothes. A lot of our furniture is from yard sales, thrift stores and the like. Long gone are the days where I thought people would respect me because I had the latest greatest gadget. God keeps teaching me that the heart is what He wants. He teaches me to look at people’s hearts and when I do I find very special friends. Junior’s heart is precious. He has tendencies toward hoarding. It drives me nuts. When I can’t deal with his hoarding I usually begin a conversation with God. I am not trying to change Junior. That is not my goal. I am trying to accept my man warts and all. Each time I ask God to help, He shows me Junior’s heart. To be honest that is what I love about Junior. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 3, 2013

July 3, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am feeling alone and all of a sudden I sense God tell me…..”I’m here right beside you.” There are days where I long to talk with my kids about life in general. I long to talk about the silly things we did, the hard moments and frankly I hear from my son when I call and rarely does he just call. The daughter has gone into training and the story I get is she is too busy to call with the craziness of her job. I don’t think we’ve talked in a year again. I begin to too look at my life and frankly I love it beyond measure. Junior and I rarely fight these days. Yesterday I went out to chat with him while he worked. He was short with me. His back is tender again and he was in the midst of pouring cement and talking was difficult. I know that the short words are not something that will go on for hours or days. He comes in a while later and seems to explain his shortness to me. I understand and we soon are talking about life in general. We are friends once more. I love that our moments of frustration don’t last for days on end. With Junior I can usually tell that I tried at the wrong time and I also know he isn’t going to hold it against me and be angry for hours or days. As we walk our dogs are following us. We see a couple of neighbors out in the yard and chat with them. I drink in the forest and the mountains and peace seeks deep into my being. Did I want to move to VA away from family and friends? Not really now that we are here though I can’t imagine being anyplace else but here in the country in VA. When I look deep inside of myself I see the woman who always longed for the peace of the woods, the quiet of the country and the beauty of the mountains. As I continue to learn how to live in an older body I also find that the slow paced life here in the country works so well for me. I also get sad that we’ve had three visitors in the last 4 years. Almost no one is happy for our move out here and has not come to see us. I grieve and then I begin to enter into life out here and let the grieving go. God once more pops into my thoughts and tells me “I am here.” Yup God tends to fill the deep voids I feel. God comforts me. One time when I had a bad struggle God sent me to the front porch. As I sat out there I saw a couple of deer wonder by and rabbit or two hop by and a flock of humming birds come and go from our feeders. The longer I sat there the more peace I felt. I love making dinner for Junior. We eat our big meal at lunch time. I love calling him in to have him eat and we share a few moments side by side. It is precious. He then goes back to his latest project, I go onto my day and we hook up again when the mail comes in and then again in the evening for a couple of hours of TV time. Gone are the constant battles over every little detail in life. I tell people all the time that I love our boring life and I truly do. We go into town and running around on errands a couple days a week and we stay home several days. It is warm again and so we hit yard sales and enjoy the putzing around. I love that Junior is not put out with my lack of energy. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t and I am thankful I no longer have a crazy schedule I need to do. I love when Junior rejoices with me as well. He knows that I have overcome a hurdle and will be happy for me. I also understand that Junior’s bad back and amputation slows him down a lot. He needs an afternoon nap almost daily and I am good with his need. I also know that as he undertakes various projects that he will stress his back out. I want to fuss and I try to fuss a bit. Overall though I want him content and feeling productive so if he throws his back once and for all well he was doing what he enjoyed and that is ok. He amazes me. I know that he is in constant pain, daily. I don’t always know it though. I find out more often than not when he is short with me. He feels a daily comment on his pain level is not necessary. So I learn to watch him and I often can figure out where his pain level is and I then can leave him alone until he feels human again. Junior does not want me fussing at or with him all the time. He wants to deal with his struggle and not bother me so I’ve learned to sit back and let him guide me in what he needs. For me I like to mention a time or two that I am feeling poorly. Then I go off on my own to deal with my struggle and come back out again when I feel human. With my accident last year Junior learned that I do handle pain. For me the handling pain is a bit in telling someone. I don’t want to dwell on it but I do want my loved ones to know why I am distant and the like. Again I see how well we seem to mesh with each other. We talk about what is on our hearts and then we move on. We don’t hold a grudge. We are friends. I love our life together. Junior continues to feel very safe. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 1, 2013

July 1, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I went outside to tell Junior something from a phone call. I sat down for a few minutes while he was working and chatted with him. I do that at times. When I do I always find that Junior loves my visits while he is working. I love it when he comes in to find me and says “Come see what I’ve done.” I can tell he loves it when I am enamored with his workmanship. I can see a smile a mile wide on his face. He tends to love hearing me go on and on about how nice and beautiful the project turned out. Sometimes I just sit and say very little to him. He tends to like that as well. He likes me near. I am not able to be good at using tools and the like. I’d like to but I am a girly girl and don’t have the foggiest idea of how to use tools and the like. I often will complain that I’m not very good and he always tells me that is ok…. My mother in law taught me that many years ago. She pulled me aside and told me to enter into my man’s work even if it is just sitting beside him. Junior seems to love having me near and sharing this time with him. To be honest I love it as well. I once more learn to look at Junior’s talents and not focus on his lack of ability in any given area. The more Junior hears me telling him I “love” this or that, the more he falls in love with me. I continue to see Junior’s strengths and find myself amazed at his ability. I am even more amazed at his ability to overcome pain. He is very slow as he works due to pain but he sticks with a project until it is done. I generally will read these blog posts to Junior out loud. I don’t write letters any longer. My handwriting is awful these days due to a shake in my hand. It seems that Junior still hears my love for him in the reading of the blogs like when I was writing him letters daily and for that I am grateful. I also find in the telling the things I find good in my man keeps my heart open to him and his ways. Is he annoying? Yes he can be but in focusing on his good traits I find I continue to fall in love with my guy. I also go to prayer when I am befuddled with my guy. I don’t go asking God to change him. I do ask God to open my heart to my guy. God has always been faithful in showing me Junior’s good traits. The more good I see the more I continue to fall in love with my man. God also points me to Junior’s heart time and time out. It is amazing. Junior has a very gentle heart. He may sound rough and tough but his heart is the tenderest male heart I’ve ever known. I have grown through Junior training our puppies. To be honest I was very scared when I heard his deep male voice yelling at them as they went potty in the house. Through all of the training I have witnessed Junior’s firm but fair way of treating our animals. This is a first for me. Until I met Junior every man in my life often lost control and wound up being violent even with the smallest things. Junior teaches me more about how God created men. I see him get worked up fairly easy from time to time but he has never resorted to physical ways to respond to his anger. Again it is so new to me. I have a lot of respect for Junior because he maintains control. Junior does not expect me to be able to do the heavy lifting he does. That is a relief as well. I am a weakling and Junior isn’t upset. He often tells me that I am a girl and he understands. Until I met Junior the men in my life thought I could do what they could. Frankly I am a small woman and I cannot do manly stuff. I can be soft, I can hug and speak words of encouragement. With that I am fairly competent and Junior allows me to do what I am made to do. I find myself wanting to watch after my man often. I try to make sure if he wants a nap that I don’t bother him. I try to be quiet when his back is hurting and I try to bring him things if he needs me to. I am grateful for his help within the house. As I continue to gain more energy and health I find myself doing a bit more. Junior does not belittle me because I am not the cook, the housekeeper I have been in the past. The less he fusses at me the harder I work at trying to do more. The more settled the house becomes I find that I am working a routine out more and more. I still have a ways to go yet but I am way better than a few short years ago when I began my decline. I am once again walking fairly much daily. When the weather is not good for outside walking I tend to jump on the ellipse and walk on that. I spend time writing several days throughout the week. I love it. Writing moves me. I tend to think life through with writing. It is the way I operate. Junior accepts this strange aspect in me. I appreciate that a ton. Prayer too helps me be who he needs me to be. I still pray for our marriage fairly much daily. One failed marriage is more than I’d like to ever have. Since I believe prayer teaches me to be what Junior needs me to be I can’t see me giving up on prayer for our marriage any time soon. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 29, 2013

June 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, There is that argument again. God wants more of me and I struggle to let go and give more to God. I have been praying for a while now and I find that I am more and more at peace with this thought, I’m not all the way but I do see forward movement. I find a need to write my testimony on FB and do. I have told my story many times and feel a need to tell it again. Sometimes I tell about abuse, drugs and the freedom I now have. Sometimes it is a plain I was so unhappy and now I have peace it is all the same story really. After I retired I took a major nose dive. I wanted to be retired for a long time. I could taste it. I wanted to be home with Junior for many years before we died. He retired earlier than expected due to war injuries and the like. They all finally caught up with him and his body gave out. Then I had cancer. I got better but my energy level went real low. It kept going lower even after I retired. I am on the other side of all the low’s but I find I am now as an older woman who does not have the energy she once did. When I was retired we felt God telling us it was time to move. Strange I thought we’d be a snow bird not much else, nope He wanted to us to move to another state. So we began the process of finding where, how etc. We prayed and it feels like with each prayer we were to completely leave the state so we did. The amazing thing is we love where we are at. I would have never picked this for myself and yet we love it. We love the woods more than water front property. We are on 9 acres of mostly woods. When I walk I see mountains, woods, animals and peace everywhere. It is awesome. The weather isn’t Michigan’s coldness or FL’s heat. It is just right. My kids seem to keep asking me “why” did I stay?” I can’t give them an answer they can wrap their brains around. They will need to figure this out since I can’t put into words what they need to hear. By moving I no longer have to see “Him” at Christmas at my son’s house. “He” is Mr. friendly and all gushy all over the place. Each time I look into his face I see anger. I can’t move past the anger we shared. He thinks I should be over this and I am not. As we settle in VA I find myself finally letting go. It takes me a few more years to realize this man can’t get me. I feel he wants my family, our friends and will do anything to take those from me. His family has never once reached out to me but my family says they don’t know how to tell him to go away. It is what it is. The people out here take us into their lives in a way I’ve never felt love before. It is awesome beyond belief. They accept Junior and his “strange” ways. They are not strange to me but others can find him offensive at times. I know Junior’s heart and have seen him be so tender with me. I accept Junior for the man he is. He accepts me warts and as well. God once again shows me that I am truly valuable. He gives me the idea to write and I love writing. I write this blog, write a book and I love it. In all the writing my dream is that I reach out and bring God’s love to a point of reality for other’s to grasp. That is my goal nothing more. Yup I talk about “me” a whole lot but that is the goal. For me I did not see how to enter into this relationship till I was 40 years old and I want to help someone who struggles as I did to find their journey to God. The more I learn to give God my all, the more peace I find within me. It is awesome. I remember trying to study people so I could be “normal.” Normal was arguing, fighting, drinking and a whole lot of anger. It was what I knew. I hated it and I did not know how to find peace. These days I have peace. I really don’t care if I am popular, cool or even beautiful. Another struggle I have had is being tiny. I loved being 100 pounds forever and a day. Then I get to old age and I weigh a whole 140 pounds. How awful is that? Most people don’t even begin to grasp the problem……I no longer can be “tiny little Janet.” I am now normal size “Janet.” I find Junior still attracted to me at this huge weight. It is weird. At one time in my life if I gained an ounce of weight I was rejected. He loves me even if I am heavier. He loves “me” for who I am and I don’t have to be a model. I have to be “me” and I love it. Junior teaches me to look at the heart. God has pointed that out and as I seek to see Junior’s heart I begin to see Junior loving me at the heart level. It is awesome. It is not about performance it is about being genuinely me. So Junior has a few quirks. He tells people the facts whether or not they want to hear them. He is bold in his telling people that they may end up in hell. It gets hard to hear the harshness. For me I would have run. God came to me in tenderness. Some people though don’t do tender but I need tenderness to grow in and learn so I have learned in tenderness. Junior has specific people who get the message the way he presents it. Other’s look at him like he is not altogether and God keeps teaching me to look at Junior’s heart. So he may appear to be rough but I see a tender side that is awesome. I believe that God uses us where we are. If we are tender then God uses our tenderness. If we are up front and in your face…..God will use that. I have seen Junior talking to a group of “thugs” and I was amazed. He knows how to talk their way. I don’t and if I talked to them they would never hear a word I was saying. I can talk to hurting women. I often find myself in the midst of women who are hurting and reeling from abuse. I know them and they know that I know. It is amazing. We each have our own calling and frankly that is awesome. I am useful to God in His kingdom building and again that feels awesome. What is your calling in the Lord? Are you listening? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet