June 29, 2013

June 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, There is that argument again. God wants more of me and I struggle to let go and give more to God. I have been praying for a while now and I find that I am more and more at peace with this thought, I’m not all the way but I do see forward movement. I find a need to write my testimony on FB and do. I have told my story many times and feel a need to tell it again. Sometimes I tell about abuse, drugs and the freedom I now have. Sometimes it is a plain I was so unhappy and now I have peace it is all the same story really. After I retired I took a major nose dive. I wanted to be retired for a long time. I could taste it. I wanted to be home with Junior for many years before we died. He retired earlier than expected due to war injuries and the like. They all finally caught up with him and his body gave out. Then I had cancer. I got better but my energy level went real low. It kept going lower even after I retired. I am on the other side of all the low’s but I find I am now as an older woman who does not have the energy she once did. When I was retired we felt God telling us it was time to move. Strange I thought we’d be a snow bird not much else, nope He wanted to us to move to another state. So we began the process of finding where, how etc. We prayed and it feels like with each prayer we were to completely leave the state so we did. The amazing thing is we love where we are at. I would have never picked this for myself and yet we love it. We love the woods more than water front property. We are on 9 acres of mostly woods. When I walk I see mountains, woods, animals and peace everywhere. It is awesome. The weather isn’t Michigan’s coldness or FL’s heat. It is just right. My kids seem to keep asking me “why” did I stay?” I can’t give them an answer they can wrap their brains around. They will need to figure this out since I can’t put into words what they need to hear. By moving I no longer have to see “Him” at Christmas at my son’s house. “He” is Mr. friendly and all gushy all over the place. Each time I look into his face I see anger. I can’t move past the anger we shared. He thinks I should be over this and I am not. As we settle in VA I find myself finally letting go. It takes me a few more years to realize this man can’t get me. I feel he wants my family, our friends and will do anything to take those from me. His family has never once reached out to me but my family says they don’t know how to tell him to go away. It is what it is. The people out here take us into their lives in a way I’ve never felt love before. It is awesome beyond belief. They accept Junior and his “strange” ways. They are not strange to me but others can find him offensive at times. I know Junior’s heart and have seen him be so tender with me. I accept Junior for the man he is. He accepts me warts and as well. God once again shows me that I am truly valuable. He gives me the idea to write and I love writing. I write this blog, write a book and I love it. In all the writing my dream is that I reach out and bring God’s love to a point of reality for other’s to grasp. That is my goal nothing more. Yup I talk about “me” a whole lot but that is the goal. For me I did not see how to enter into this relationship till I was 40 years old and I want to help someone who struggles as I did to find their journey to God. The more I learn to give God my all, the more peace I find within me. It is awesome. I remember trying to study people so I could be “normal.” Normal was arguing, fighting, drinking and a whole lot of anger. It was what I knew. I hated it and I did not know how to find peace. These days I have peace. I really don’t care if I am popular, cool or even beautiful. Another struggle I have had is being tiny. I loved being 100 pounds forever and a day. Then I get to old age and I weigh a whole 140 pounds. How awful is that? Most people don’t even begin to grasp the problem……I no longer can be “tiny little Janet.” I am now normal size “Janet.” I find Junior still attracted to me at this huge weight. It is weird. At one time in my life if I gained an ounce of weight I was rejected. He loves me even if I am heavier. He loves “me” for who I am and I don’t have to be a model. I have to be “me” and I love it. Junior teaches me to look at the heart. God has pointed that out and as I seek to see Junior’s heart I begin to see Junior loving me at the heart level. It is awesome. It is not about performance it is about being genuinely me. So Junior has a few quirks. He tells people the facts whether or not they want to hear them. He is bold in his telling people that they may end up in hell. It gets hard to hear the harshness. For me I would have run. God came to me in tenderness. Some people though don’t do tender but I need tenderness to grow in and learn so I have learned in tenderness. Junior has specific people who get the message the way he presents it. Other’s look at him like he is not altogether and God keeps teaching me to look at Junior’s heart. So he may appear to be rough but I see a tender side that is awesome. I believe that God uses us where we are. If we are tender then God uses our tenderness. If we are up front and in your face…..God will use that. I have seen Junior talking to a group of “thugs” and I was amazed. He knows how to talk their way. I don’t and if I talked to them they would never hear a word I was saying. I can talk to hurting women. I often find myself in the midst of women who are hurting and reeling from abuse. I know them and they know that I know. It is amazing. We each have our own calling and frankly that is awesome. I am useful to God in His kingdom building and again that feels awesome. What is your calling in the Lord? Are you listening? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet