July 24, 2015

July 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am thinking about baptism today. A few years ago I was baptized in the river behind the house we were living at. So a few years have passed and my wonderment is has the baptism really helped me in my faith journey. It is not something I think about often to tell you the truth but as I sit and ponder this I see where I have grown. For me the baptism was a turning the corner in my life and I see where I have truly turned that corner for the most part. I saw the Jordan and Red Sea the two places where God parted the water for the Israelites as new beginnings for God’s people. For me I saw the river behind our house as a new start for me. I felt God had called us to this new place. As I look back I see that many changes have indeed taken place and for the most part my MI life is now gone and VA is here to stay. I have moved forward out of my fear of my ex. I have let go of the sadness I feel at raising my children in such a dysfunctional home. God keeps reminding me that I cannot go back and fix the wrongs of yesteryear and He teaches me to move in the “here and now.” As I learn how to live in the here and now I find myself accepting that life was at one time very hard for me to bear. I find the joy of the here and now. God has placed me in a marriage to a man who truly understands me. I feel like I am a cherished wife and it is precious. Our pets love on us. The people out here love on us. I feel acceptable for the first time in my life and it is wonderful. As I cry to the Lord about my not being the best mother to my kids, God often reminds me that I did the best I could at the time. My biggest regret these days is that I did not have my faith journey I have today back then. Frankly learning to trust God has been a process. For me men hurt. I wanted their attention and hated it as well. I truly did not know what a good relationship was like. I entered into counseling time and time again and later after my divorce I entered into a faith journey and frankly that is when I see the most progress. I needed the counseling but with God I have felt tenderness. I have needed tenderness for a long time and did not know it. Junior and I have been married 15 years now, amazing! Junior first taught me that men don’t have to be angry over every detail in life. In all these years Junior has never once offered to hit me. For the first time in my life I see a man who does get angry from time to time but does not need to strike out in his anger. In Junior’s gentleness I have learned that God isn’t going to hurt me as well. As I learn to trust God with every aspect of my life I begin to know a peace I never knew existed before. I want to beat myself up for not being a better parent, for not knowing God. I went to church but for some reason I did not get the “walk with Jesus” part. It took the divorce for me to finally learn how to give God my all. I believe God knew what would get me to know Him. For me it was the devastation of a long marriage ending in divorce. It was that moment where I lost all hope in my abilities to change things and began to trust God with all of my life. I believe that the baptism was a turning point and so I am very grateful for being baptized. I keep learning that God has given us the way to go. If we follow God’s way then we begin to see forward movement in our lives God does not expect us to come to Him with all the answers at first. God takes you where you are at and He grows you into who He wants you to be. One of the sayings I find very comforting of late is that church is not a place for perfect people. We all come to the throne of grace with a lot of baggage. This church out here has helped me accept me as I am and then allows me to grow up in the Lord. As my health has gone bad overall I also have learned that I am ADHD. For most of my life others in my life displayed their ADD ways a lot more than I did. I was able to run till I fell into bed exhausted most nights. My ADHD ways weren’t as obvious as my child, my Ex etc. I have had to learn to slow down because I can’t make my body run like it used to. In the slowing down I continue to meet God. It is such a comfort to know that I am acceptable as I am. I no longer have the great need to make everyone happy. My goal is to be a woman after God’s own heart. Most people will find something wrong with the way I am so God has become my standard. Junior has been an outcast for most of his life. When he is walking close with God though he is comfortable being the man that he is and as I watch Junior I begin to accept the person I am in the Lord. So others won’t come out and see the life we have set up in VA? That is ok. I love the house we have been planted in, the country road we live on and my beautiful walks. I love our drives and the mountains filled with trees. I love even seeing a bear and her cubs on the side of the road as we drove by. It is awesome and there is a peace I have never known before. Nope life hasn’t gone the way I dreamed it would and in the Lord though it is much more than I could have imagined. I no longer have a need to be loved by each and every person I meet. The goal these days is to be the woman God wants me to be and in that I find life acceptable. As I ponder this, I am very happy that I was baptized. It is a point where I see things turning around and I know that I know that God is real. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet