Saturday, July 27, 2013

July 29, 2014

July 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Junior is working hard at getting a heavy filing cabinet into our home that he has bought. I watch him as he figures out how to move it. He continues to amaze me. He is using blocks and a dolly to move the cabinet. He does 2 steps forward and step back and ever so slowly it makes its way into our home to the spot where Junior wants it. I have read the Bible for today, I have made us lunch, tuna casserole, cleaned the bathroom and repacked my suitcase. These days we try to keep a packed suitcase and then when we go, we just grab our suitcase and leave. I am sitting inside since it has been raining on and off all day. I am thinking about moping around the area rugs but Junior is sort of in my way so I find a reason not to. I think about writing and start down that path. I am slowly ever so slowly getting into more Bible study time. I have longed for this day and it is now here kind of. I have enjoyed the interim Sunday night Bible study leader. He is teaching me how to find a topic and how to study it. I love it. I have for the last many years preferred to buy a study and work through it on my own. These days though I am changing to finding my own topic and researching and studying. I like it. I am once more reading my Sunday school Bible study as well along with a devotional. For me this is heaven on earth. This is the dream I dreamt about the last many years before I retired and now I am entering more fully into my dream. In my blog I tend to write about day to day life. I write about my fears, my joy and hopefully about how God works in my life in a day to day walk. Until I met Jesus in a more personable way I only believed that God existed. As I have walked away from a long time marriage, let go of being the abused woman I was I have found God stepping beside me and helping me live my life. At this point in my life I don’t ever want to walk away from God. It is about my daily prayer really. Life in the Lord has been better. Some days I have to do some real hard stuff like forgive someone who has hurt me a lot. The more I pray for that person the less I find I have bitterness in my soul. I am able to move forward and truly enjoy my life. I again marvel at our move. We felt God told us to move, we did and I marvel at our house, the peaceful pace of our life and of course all the mountains that surround us. I still have moments where I grieve the loss of relationships, the fear of men from time to time. J and his Mom often will spend the night at our house. J helps Junior for a few days at a time and then goes home. He is over 6ft tall. He is quiet and keeps to himself mostly. I still find myself having moments of fear. I know it is not rational but the fear tries to overtake me at times. J has never offered to hurt me, to talk bad to me. He truly is a good kid. He is still a male and a big one at that. With each visit I learn again and again that most men truly don’t want to hurt a woman. You’d think I’d get that by now and on one level I do. On another I am not so sure so I work through this struggle often. I don’t sit in fear either. I will take him to town or rather he likes to drive so I let him. I am not afraid and that is a miracle. He generally will talk man stuff of which I have no clue. I let him talk though. He likes telling me about our electric car as he discovers how it runs. I could care less as long as it gets me where I want to. In the three years we’ve known J and his Mom I can see that he has grown emotionally a whole lot. His work ethic is getting better. He is truly getting ready to go out into the work world. I am sure there will be a day that he has a job and won’t be able to help Junior the way he does now. J has started paying for his own cell phone. I am proud of that for him. He stops in the grocery store and picks up food that he wants as he stays at our place. We feed him but we don’t eat junk food so if he wants any, he has to get his own. A few times J has had to take his Mom some place and used our car. J has learned to put gas in the tank. He truly has learned many lessons. J even is starting to get himself up. He stays up late into the night and often gets up late in the day. He sets his alarm and gets himself up. He then finds Junior and the two go to work on whatever project they are dealing with. Sometimes after we go to bed J works on things he has been doing. I pray J won’t be a second generation child living on welfare. In this area I have seen several generations of families that have not worked. They collect welfare and that is it. I think welfare is good and it is bad. As a kid we depended on public assistance for a period of time while Dad got back on his feet so to speak after polio. I am always grateful that Dad went back to work even if the wages were low and Mom had to mainly support our family. That is the work ethic I used as I entered marriage and my husband kept getting pay cuts. I went to work to help support our family. I even went to college for a bit to get enough credits to do the job I was doing. It worked and I earned a decent wage. I never cared if I was a top wage earner. Our children never went without food, utilities or a roof over their head. I am proud of that. They did live in an angry home where fists often flew. Many times I thought I was doing the right thing, I really did. I felt I was sticking up for my kids so I would stand my ground as far as they were concerned. I’d yell back, slug back in my attempt to give to my kids. They don’t see that is what I did. They see me as angry as their father and frankly I can’t change their thinking. With my children’s generation the awful ugly abuse has seemed to leave the family blood line. I hold that thought often especially when I am grieving our relationship that is minimal at best. I see my grandchildren growing up in a fairly loving environment and that makes me happy. I have missed a good portion of my grandchildren’s growing up as well. It hurts but I really don’t see any other way than the way I handled life. My Ex likes to make me look like the bad guy and frankly as long as I don’t have to be near him I truly don’t care. I took my pain to God. God has held me, guided me and well I’m good with that. It isn’t what I wanted but to know the peace I now know…..well…..that is ok. Where does your peace come from? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

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