July 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, As I write I am remembering. I tend to do this as each day comes throughout the year. Today 21 years ago Doug died. He was only 12 and died on a school trip to science camp. He and some friends asked if they could go swim after playing volley ball and it was warm outside. The kids took off to the water after they got the go ahead. Most of them went into the water. Apparently Doug wasn’t feeling good. He got up on the deck, vomited and sat there. One of the kids went to tell an adult. They waved him off. Apparently Doug vomited, fell into the water and drowned. We don’t know for sure. That is what they pieced together afterwards. In the confusion of the moment he was forgotten. At meal time the teacher was doing a count and realized Doug was not there. A search for him began. They found Doug in 3 feet or so of water. Apparently he vomited, fell into the water and somehow drowned. His parents got a call to come to the hospital right away. The other two children were dropped off at my house. My husband had taken off. I was doing homework for my class at school and keeping an eye on our children and then on the niece and nephew as we waited to hear what in the world Doug had done to himself. We were thinking he was injured. A couple hours later a phone call informed me that Doug had died. Not the type of news we were expecting. At home I had four children to break the news two, two cousins and a brother and sister. I was alone. A few phone calls and I could not locate my then husband. I was not sure what was going to happen as I told the children so I called our minister. He came by and helped me tell the news to the four children. My son I found out years later heard the news and jumped on his bike and rode around for hours. My daughter I can’t answer but my head says she played oldest cousin and watched after her two cousins the best she knew how. B sat and cried on our minister’s arm for a very long time. He would not even lift his head to look at anyone. The niece was only four and handled it the way they can. She played and ran around and grieved the way four year olds grieve. For years afterward the niece carried a picture of her brother in her little girl purse. It was an 8x10 picture of her brother. She would pull it out and show people her brother. She was precious right after the accident when she was being her four year old self. She wanted her big wheel off the porch and no one wanted to take it down. She then stomped her feet and said “If Doug were here he’d do it” and Doug most likely would have. He pampered his sister. We made it through the next days. Everything is a blur and I barely remember them. I had two precious girlfriends who came by to help us out. They would take the kids home, feed them, bathe them and even put them to bed while we attended the funeral, the dinner afterwards where we as a family would come together and sit and talk at a restaurant. Doug was all boy and was a wild good kid. I remember how crazy our home was each Christmas as the boys played. I remember the year all the boys had patches on one eye. They had lazy eye and a trip to the mall meant there were three boys with an eye patch on and yup they created a lot of attention. Doug was gone and there was a huge hole in all the gatherings. We had our gatherings but something was missing and it was hard not to notice. Slowly though life began to move forward. We learned to accept the fact that one of our own was missing and it hurt. We learned to accept what we did not want to accept. We learned to laugh again. We learned to move forward even if our hearts did not want to. It has been 22 years now. I can’t believe it. Dad has been gone 21 years and Mom has been gone 14 years. Even Grandma has been gone for years now. At first I did not know how we would be able to move past those closest to us not being around. One day at a time though we learned to move forward. Today though we look back and see decades slip by. We have moved on. The kids are all grown; some have gone on to have children of their own. All the kids are married or in a committed relationship. I notice that there still are moments when they stop and remember their brother/cousin. They may tell some story about Doug. They won’t let him go completely that is for sure. Death has happened over and over again through the years. Mom, Dad and Grandma then there is my mother-in-law. My father-in-law was one of the first for me to say good-bye to. The initial moments are of shock and bewilderment. Then we tend to accept it and finally one day we see that we are living life even though a loved one is now gone. I often wonder what Doug would have done. I don’t feel too much that way about Dad, Mom, Grandma and my mother in law. I know on some level that they lived long lives and so that does not play out in my thoughts but Doug….I often wonder what kind of choices he would have made. My childhood was hard. I think my parents did the best they could but there was so much anger and frankly I find myself feeling relief. I don’t have to argue my point. I don’t have to defend myself like I always did back then. My family doesn’t do the close family thing either. Sister and brother and I often would not interact with each other for years on end. My kids and I talk but don’t talk. Sometimes we see each other and more often than not we don’t. I see people devastated when a loved one dies. I generally feel some sort of relief. I no longer have to defend why I did a certain thing. When Mom was dying I knew it was a matter of days. So I started sorting through her stuff and trying to get rid of it. It was a way for me to cope. Brother did not like me getting rid of things before Mom died. I did it to accept what was coming. Neither way was the right way or wrong way. I needed to let go in my way and I was not trying to upset anyone but I did. An end will come to all of us. It will. My hope is Jesus. He helps me move past the pain. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet