July 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am out on the deck again and Junior has hung me a temporary shade feature. This is so helpful so I can see my computer screen…..and not be blinded by the direct sunlight. Today we went to the Chiropractor which is a 3 hour journey. We stopped for lunch at Pizza Plus, got some gas, went to the feed store in search of home grown honey and then stopped in to visit a former minister friend. We also made a run by the car repair shop to get the HHR. Now I am on the deck waiting for the sheets to dry, journaling, writing and hopefully soon praying. That is the goal. At bedtime these days and as I fall asleep and wake up throughout the night I have a tendency to pray through Jesus’ last hours. For me looking at the last hours of Jesus’ life helps me to continue on my faith journey. I see that I matter to God and so by looking at the price our Lord paid to redeem me helps me to keep on in the faith. For the longest time I was praying in my chair after reading my Bible, journaling and such. A few errands and running right away and I have gotten away from the day time prayers. This irritates me that I do that. I once more subscribe to the line “it is what it is.” Today I wrote on the black board by my chair…..”pray.” That is helping me to g o back into prayer. I am thankful for my nighttime prayers. In that I have stayed tuned into God and His will in my life. Part of the reason I also like praying is I learn to quit focusing only on “me.” I’d love for the world to revolve around me and guess what? It does not. So when I pray I begin to focus on God and less on “me.” I find myself continuing that private discussion. It goes something like this, “When I am focused on me then life becomes about me and my desires. God is always saying we need to focus on Him and then the argument tries to reign in my mind. If God wants everything to be about Him, then isn’t that selfish on God’s part?” Right after I think this thought I find myself put out with me. As I step back and think even more I begin to see that a total mindset on God is really for my best. My life has finally found direction and peace once I asked God to be the center of my life. The more I try to live “all” of my life for God the better my insides are. I don’t want to not live for the Lord anymore but I still have that debate floating around in my brain even after all these years. Recently God asked me to give more of myself to Him and I debated that as well. I am angry that I even had to question this. I’ve started asking God to teach me how to give “all of me” to Him. God is and I am slowly turning more and more over to God. The more I give “me” to God the more peace I feel and I may have hard work but for some reason it feels ok. I am always thankful that Junior loves God and tries to follow God in every aspect of his life. I get the benefit of having a kind, caring husband. I find that God often opens my heart to Junior as well, especially if Junior is befuddling me. I want to pitch a temper tantrum and God always opens my eyes to Junior’s heart and frankly I don’t want to upset my man over some little no nothing problem. I love having God at the center of my/our life. I love the way I am able to not get worked up and mad about little things. I love that fighting is not how we do life. So when God wanted more and I found myself balking I was startled. I quickly realized that I could not give my “all” without an assist. I can’t and it is what it is. In prayer though I find asking God to help me to work. I also want a “works” kind of life for the Lord. God does not want that. I can’t do enough “good works to earn my way into heaven. The older I get the less I am able to do and that frustrates me to no end. I am learning though that God wants my heart and when I give God my heart I seem to do the work God wants, not what I want. I love writing. I believe God gave me the ability to write and the desire as well. When I am writing I find myself being content in the quieter life I have in old age. I love it really. I love that Junior and I live a boring life. I tell him that often. Gone are the days of drama for the sake of drama. Gone are the days where I fight over every little thing. Junior continues to teach me how to not get all worked up about each detail in life. It feels awesome. I even learn that Junior loves me and is not going anywhere. It has been hard for me to realize that love means you stick out the fun times and the bad times. Junior isn’t going anywhere and frankly that feels ever so wonderful. I often feel so unwanted. I feel like I am different than most people and my different ways are strange. God though makes me feel like I am ok. Junior makes me feel wanted, precious and I begin to leave behind the need to be wanted because I am a wanted child of God. Where is your heart focused? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet