July 3, 2013

July 3, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am feeling alone and all of a sudden I sense God tell me…..”I’m here right beside you.” There are days where I long to talk with my kids about life in general. I long to talk about the silly things we did, the hard moments and frankly I hear from my son when I call and rarely does he just call. The daughter has gone into training and the story I get is she is too busy to call with the craziness of her job. I don’t think we’ve talked in a year again. I begin to too look at my life and frankly I love it beyond measure. Junior and I rarely fight these days. Yesterday I went out to chat with him while he worked. He was short with me. His back is tender again and he was in the midst of pouring cement and talking was difficult. I know that the short words are not something that will go on for hours or days. He comes in a while later and seems to explain his shortness to me. I understand and we soon are talking about life in general. We are friends once more. I love that our moments of frustration don’t last for days on end. With Junior I can usually tell that I tried at the wrong time and I also know he isn’t going to hold it against me and be angry for hours or days. As we walk our dogs are following us. We see a couple of neighbors out in the yard and chat with them. I drink in the forest and the mountains and peace seeks deep into my being. Did I want to move to VA away from family and friends? Not really now that we are here though I can’t imagine being anyplace else but here in the country in VA. When I look deep inside of myself I see the woman who always longed for the peace of the woods, the quiet of the country and the beauty of the mountains. As I continue to learn how to live in an older body I also find that the slow paced life here in the country works so well for me. I also get sad that we’ve had three visitors in the last 4 years. Almost no one is happy for our move out here and has not come to see us. I grieve and then I begin to enter into life out here and let the grieving go. God once more pops into my thoughts and tells me “I am here.” Yup God tends to fill the deep voids I feel. God comforts me. One time when I had a bad struggle God sent me to the front porch. As I sat out there I saw a couple of deer wonder by and rabbit or two hop by and a flock of humming birds come and go from our feeders. The longer I sat there the more peace I felt. I love making dinner for Junior. We eat our big meal at lunch time. I love calling him in to have him eat and we share a few moments side by side. It is precious. He then goes back to his latest project, I go onto my day and we hook up again when the mail comes in and then again in the evening for a couple of hours of TV time. Gone are the constant battles over every little detail in life. I tell people all the time that I love our boring life and I truly do. We go into town and running around on errands a couple days a week and we stay home several days. It is warm again and so we hit yard sales and enjoy the putzing around. I love that Junior is not put out with my lack of energy. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t and I am thankful I no longer have a crazy schedule I need to do. I love when Junior rejoices with me as well. He knows that I have overcome a hurdle and will be happy for me. I also understand that Junior’s bad back and amputation slows him down a lot. He needs an afternoon nap almost daily and I am good with his need. I also know that as he undertakes various projects that he will stress his back out. I want to fuss and I try to fuss a bit. Overall though I want him content and feeling productive so if he throws his back once and for all well he was doing what he enjoyed and that is ok. He amazes me. I know that he is in constant pain, daily. I don’t always know it though. I find out more often than not when he is short with me. He feels a daily comment on his pain level is not necessary. So I learn to watch him and I often can figure out where his pain level is and I then can leave him alone until he feels human again. Junior does not want me fussing at or with him all the time. He wants to deal with his struggle and not bother me so I’ve learned to sit back and let him guide me in what he needs. For me I like to mention a time or two that I am feeling poorly. Then I go off on my own to deal with my struggle and come back out again when I feel human. With my accident last year Junior learned that I do handle pain. For me the handling pain is a bit in telling someone. I don’t want to dwell on it but I do want my loved ones to know why I am distant and the like. Again I see how well we seem to mesh with each other. We talk about what is on our hearts and then we move on. We don’t hold a grudge. We are friends. I love our life together. Junior continues to feel very safe. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet