July 6, 2013

July 6, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I read today’s Bible reading and found myself pondering. In the reading Jesus was being questioned rather intensely about His authority. Jesus replies to the effect that He is doing what God wants and if others don’t believe Him that is ok. As long as Jesus does what God wants that is all that matters I have been a person who is not taken real serious for a good portion of my life. As a child I learned that the sillier I was the less likely I was to get a beating. I used the same method in my previous marriage and it again worked. At times I play stupid. Again it was a way to save myself from getting a beating. Others needed to be better, brighter than me and I had a lot less pain if I let them be. I never tried to be better, smarter but that is how they took me. I play the dumb blond role a whole lot. At this point in my life it is more of a reflex reaction. Through the years Junior tends to enjoy my ability to think and do things. He even gets tired of my playing dumb. He accepts that is how I react but he’d rather I did not. I can’t change this quirk in my nature. It is what it is. As I read about Jesus I felt a need to prove myself rather him. I kept reading and I kept hearing Jesus state that God was all that mattered and if people did not believe Him that was too bad. That is how I heard it. Again I learned that not everyone is going to like, believe what I am or who I am. I kept mulling this thought around. As I hit my 60th birthday I am also finding that I don’t need the attention I strived for. I am comfortable with the person I am, in the Lord. Lately I take my self-doubt to God. I keep finding if God is happy that is all that matters. Yup I feel free finally and my whole goal in life these days is to be and do what God wants me to be. I tend to read my Bible and pray fairly much daily and sometimes throughout the day. The more I am in the Word and in prayer the more I hear God’s direction for me. The more I do what I hear God directing me to do the more contentment I feel. I like who I am in the Lord. After we moved to VA I had a person tell me that I made up the move. All I can say is Junior and I prayed and prayed, moved forward and prayed some more. Four years later I love where I am at. This is not all of the flesh because if I had my way I’d be a snow bird. In VA I have been accepted for whom I am, Junior is accepted as a guy who has an opinion and is not afraid to share it. We are who we are in the Lord. God opened Junior’s heart to ask a young man if he’d help him with our new to us home. The kid was walking down the train tracks smoking and walking. He came to help us as we needed help. His mother stopped by one day and a friendship was formed. She is in a way different economic status than us. This friend has been a friend to me at times when I have felt so unwanted and so low. Our humor tends to mesh with each other and we often get people giggling as we go about our shopping and what have you. She and her son often come to stay with us for a few days at a time. Sometimes I run her to Doctor Appointments and her son often will do the back breaking work that Junior can’t. We seem to be what each other needs. My friend’s back is messed up, she has diabetes and emphazymea. She has not been able to work in decades now due to the back injuries. I am slowing down with my various old age struggles and we often sit side by side sharing, laughing and doing life. Sometimes I make a meal or two and sometimes she makes a meal or two. When she first stopped by I had a few people tell me that I did not need to hang with this woman. I prayed and God directed me to be a friend. I’m glad I listened to God. She has some unusual ways. I have my strange ways and frankly I don’t find her strangeness to be a problem. I love her almost like a sister. I believe because I sensed that God wanted us to befriend these two that we have been blessed even though they are not “popular”. I feel that way about Junior as well. He is the first man that has taught me men don’t have to give into their anger and hurt those around them. He seeks my input from time to time. So he may not be a stud muffin but….in my eyes he is. It isn’t all about his looks. When I asked God if I should go off and marry Junior I felt a peace come over me. To be honest I have not been unhappy with him and so if he isn’t a stud muffin and a huge wage earner……I am content. We make a decent wage. We have what we need and some. It took me a while to learn how to wear clothes from a thrift store for my every day. These days I don’t care. I don’t have anything to prove by the label on my clothes. A lot of our furniture is from yard sales, thrift stores and the like. Long gone are the days where I thought people would respect me because I had the latest greatest gadget. God keeps teaching me that the heart is what He wants. He teaches me to look at people’s hearts and when I do I find very special friends. Junior’s heart is precious. He has tendencies toward hoarding. It drives me nuts. When I can’t deal with his hoarding I usually begin a conversation with God. I am not trying to change Junior. That is not my goal. I am trying to accept my man warts and all. Each time I ask God to help, He shows me Junior’s heart. To be honest that is what I love about Junior. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet