July 31, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today I journal about what I read in the Bible, the first time in several months I have done that. It felt good. I am still working through giving God my all. I am not holding back like I had been and I am looking forward to growing even more in the Lord. Again I find myself amazed that I am struggling through this. Again I find myself wanting only to live a life in the Lord and never wanting to go back to when I did not. I am more content than I have ever been. I like me warts and all these days. So I allow God to take more of me and find it to be ok. As I ponder I get a bit miffed at my prayer life. I do well with my praying through the cross daily as I go to sleep and wake up. The rest of my prayer life tends to be iffy at best. I don’t believe I forget to pray. Sometimes we get up and run and that makes sense. But many days I flat out forget to pray. It makes me angry. So each day I strive to start anew. I have a black board in the entry way where I sit. I wrote “Pray” on the board and frankly that helps me to go to prayer more. Still I will have a day where I forget. The old “me” would get angry at myself. The new me says “today is a new day in the Lord.” I start over again. My thought is that within a few weeks this should become my habit. In the past I believed that if I say the sinner’s prayer then I’m perfect with God. Nope not so I continue to find that a faith journey is just that, a journey. I am not the woman of my past for sure. I finally know how to not let a man abuse me. I know I am precious to God even if people don’t like me. That helps me to get up and face each day. I find I make better choices in general but sometimes I allow “me” to get in the way and choose wrongly. These days though I don’t beat myself up but I begin a new again. I have more tolerance for who I am and accept that some parts of me are not like others. I always wanted to be “normal” and I strive to fit in. I finally am more comfortable with I am who God wants me to be and if others don’t like me…..that is too bad. Junior has been my example all these years. He is different. I somehow seem to mesh real well with him. I understand him on a deep level and he teaches me to accept myself for the person God is creating me to be and if I am not liked that is ok. Junior is the first man in my life who has not tried to control me or hurt me and it feels wonderful to tell you the truth. I have opinions and I am not put down if they differ from his. I love it. I begin to explore more and more and find myself taking a stand at least in my mind and enjoying it. I no longer live in fear if I think differently than someone else. Sometimes Junior will tell me his thoughts and I find myself not agreeing. Later I might but I get to work through my feelings and then see where Junior is coming from and then I begin to align my thoughts in line with Junior’s. As we go vote these days we will get a voter’s list from the city. We will sit down and look at the things to be voted on. We will discuss each candidate and in the end we will vote as one. He puts his input in and I put mine in. I love going to the polls and voting in unison with my husband. Gone are the days where I go vote the opposite of my mate just to be ornery. As an abused person I somehow always stated what I had on my mind. I heard from a nephew recently that I used to drive my mother-in –law crazy. In my way of thinking, I felt like I was never heard. I felt like a victim but as I do the look back I see I could be obstinate. I often think I may have contributed to some of the abuse because I don’t tend to back down. I will take a stand even if I get punched. I may be small and in-effective fighter but that doesn’t mean I will agree just to agree either. I started this habit rather young to tell you the truth. I was a thumb sucker as a little one. Dad would slap me in the face. Next I sucked my first two fingers. Again I was slapped. So I started sucking my big toe. At that point Dad gave up. As I grew up and Dad pounded on me, I continued to show him no one was going to tell me what to do. If it meant I got hurt, I don’t think I cared. I was that stubborn. As I have declined in health and found myself doing little to nothing around the house I also saw this defect again. The more Junior told me I was lazy the less I would do to show him. It is not done consciously but it is what I do. God showed me I do this recently. I was that unaware of my natural way of responding. I marvel at God. He has been tender in dealing with me. That is what I respond to. I was so unaware of my stubborn streak that until God pointed it out I was clueless. I marvel that God knew me and knew how to get me to listen. I marvel that I need tenderness so much. Junior through the years seems to have learned this about me as well. If he wants me to do something then he will tell me gently, kindly and he will find my doing what he wants me to do. I marvel again at God’s tenderness with me. He knew that I would get stubborn if I was forced. I am thankful that God understands and will get me to do what He wants me to do in the way that I “hear.” Over and over I marvel at God’s perfection. He knows how I am wired. He knows how I will listen and then speaks to me in that way. I asked him to be married after my last marriage. I asked for a healthy relationship and by the way could the man take his faith seriously. It was an afterthought but it is Junior through and through. He walks in faith and teaches me how to. It is the biggest thing I love about Junior is his faith. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet