July 13, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Those thoughts that want to take me down keep trying to pop into my head. They tell me I wasn’t the greatest mother, the best wife and the list goes on and on. I go to prayer talking to God about the pain in my soul. Soon I am out on the porch looking at trees, listening to birds sing and you know what? I figure out I did the best I could with what I knew at that time and I can’t be what I wasn’t because that is then and this is now and the past can’t be fixed. So I begin to move into the here and now. Junior is my best friend in this world. Jesus is my strength and comfort and life truly is alright. It isn’t what I envisioned it to be but it is a good life even though the “old” me did things wrong. I marvel again at Junior. He was such a not nice guy, a guy no one would want to run into on a dark corner. He met Jesus for the 2nd time as a young father and has turned his life around. He is a marvel to me. He does not live in the yesterday and he moves on with today. He accepts that was then and this is now and I keep learning to let go. As we walked this morning some of the past stuff came up. We both found each other at a time of healing and growth. We are not the dysfunctional people we once were. I always want to think we would have been able to overcome. Frankly if we were together back then we’d more than likely not be married at this time. I have him, he as me as we have grown in the Lord so we are thankful for this moment. We walk the country lane with our dogs. The greenery is astounding. Our chatter is friendly and life feels ever so wonderful. I get home, make us lunch, journal a bit and a blog thought comes to me so now I am blogging. Life is moving along. It is peaceful for the most part. It isn’t what I wanted but somehow in the Lord it is wonderful and I feel like I matter and I have work to do. That feels awesome. God wants me. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to be someone. No one has been impressed with me so now I find myself worth in the Lord. I know days on end without pain. I love to sit at home, on the porch, in the front room where ever and I enjoy each and every day. My ex seems to convince both family and friends that I was the problem in the marriage and I marvel that I truly don’t care. I know what went on. God knows what went on and frankly if he needs to have “man’s” approval go right ahead. I have God’s approval….love, direction and again life couldn’t be sweeter. The “ex” got my brother and sister in law, Mom, most of the friends we had and I have one friend from my life back then and frankly that is ok, finally. He seems to have the kids ear as well. If I hear one more time “Dad says” I’d like to scream. I don’t care what that man thinks, doesn’t anybody get that? Would I run like I did after the divorce, yes I would. I am sad that the kids blame me but they see things the way the see things so if I was the huge problem well I can’t make them change. All I know is I ran as hard in the opposite direction after the divorce. I knew he’d try to show me that he was the best thing in the world and frankly he was not. With Junior for the first time I have learned a man has no right to slug his woman. Junior’s comment to me when I worried about being hit in this relationship was if I annoyed him that much, I might get one slug but he’d walk out….he didn’t want to be with a woman that irritated him that much. From then on I have felt safe. Sometimes I get the impression people find Junior to be a little much. He has an opion and is not afraid to share it. He will tell you that if you don’t know Jesus then you are headed to hell. This boldness can be a turn off for a lot of people. I’ve met the guy on the inside…..Junior’s heart. It is amazing and wonderful and frankly I’m not going anywhere. This is the man who took me in and has taught me that men don’t have to pound on women. He is the one who has held me as my children have walked away. He is the one who laughs at my antics and finds me to be acceptable. After a lifetime of feeling un acceptable and un wanted…..Junior feels good all the way down inside of me. So if people find him repulsive, I can’t control their feelings. I know the guy, his heart and his love for Jesus. I’ll take Junior any day. God has had us move to VA. Here we are accepted even though we have strange ways. People tend to get Junior’s rough ways and even like him. So here we stay. He works on our house and it is amazing what he is creating. He was never taught to work on things and he teaches himself how to do things. Sometimes he pulls a project apart many times before it looks the way he wants it to look in the end though it is wonderful. We go for walks down our country lane with our dogs and peace floods our beings. We go to church and feel welcomed into this community. As I sit on the new deck where dogs aren’t allowed to be the cats come to me and remind me how important I am in their lives. The goal continues to be to learn to give God my all. My struggle of “isn’t that selfish” as I keep learning to give God everything changes to “I am amazed” as I learn how to give God more and more of myself. Have you learned to give God any part of you? Is it time to begin this journey? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet