September 2, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is another stop and remember day. Today Little Brother would be 58 if he were still alive. It is sad and then I begin to move out of the memory of him. The dogs are asleep after feasting on a chew bone we gave them. Junior is talking to a Marine Corp buddy and I am sitting in the entry way soaking up the quiet. I feel a nap trying to come on and I am not sure if the nap will win out. J went home for a few days. We took him to the bus stop which is in the grocery store parking lot so we did our grocery shopping while we were there. There is something comforting listening to Junior talk to his buddy from forever ago. Sometimes I hear stories of the war, sometimes they talk about their children. There are moments talking about politics as well. For me it is soothing to hear him talk. Junior works hard on the house and when he slows down and visits with a friend I find it precious. Junior discovers that I am in ear shot so he makes fun of me. It is cute, he isn’t mean but he does tease me. I like that too. Almost daily I find myself being in awe of this man’s love for me. He truly does love me and wants stay with me and for some reason I can’t completely absorb his love. I am grateful; I am deeply in love with him as well. My love for Junior grew leaps and bounds when we were with our grandchildren a while ago. He left the game to find a gazebo so the players could have shade as they sat on the bench. He bought a long one in place of the two short ones they had. As Junior kept sitting between two of them watching the game he kept thinking the sun was a bit much and that the girls needed complete shade. So off Junior went to buy one and did. Sometimes I get extra silly and when Junior found me being sillier than normal he brought me my supplements to help quiet my mind down. As I struggled in the heat he would have me go sit in the car with the air on. My husband wanted what I wanted and I find that so precious. He loves the grandchildren as if they were his own flesh and blood. That feels real nice as well. He does not try to be a “Dad” to my children because they have a “dad.” He tries to be friends with my children and I am thankful. I try to be a friend to his daughter as well. To me she is his child and I love her because she is his. I am ever so grateful for the classes our church put on for the remarried. In them I learned that we needed to stand united which was not something I did in the last marriage. I am very likely to try to be sales person’s friend so I have learned to walk away when Junior is negotiating. When my children ask for money I will talk to Junior first before I automatically hand them money. The money we have is our money so it is a shared moment for us. Junior does the same with me. We even have set dollar limits on how much we spend when we are not with each other. If it is more then I ask Junior and for the most part I can get it. He also will talk to me when he wants to spend more than our agreed upon limit. It works real nice. Junior is sweet. Each week he goes to the bank and brings me my spending money for the week. I can do whatever I want to with this money and he does whatever he wants with his spending money. We learned this too in our remarried class. I am ever grateful for these classes because I did not know these simple things that help us stay in tune with each other. We learned that we needed to love our spouse’s children and as we have learned to love them we have grown closer together. I want the best for his child and he wants the best for my children and grandchildren. Junior’s daughter lived with us when we first were married. Their family allowed her to sleep on the couch at night. I found it hard to have a body in the room as I woke up and did my morning while she slept because she was a night owl. It was not something I allowed my children to do. I wanted to get all fussy with him about this habit. I did not and am grateful that I did not nag him about this strange to me habit. We realized that we tended to have the same morals and goals but at times we arrived at them in a very different format. We learned to celebrate holidays together. Junior was used to being alone on the holiday and I was used to having a house full of people. We found that we often were left alone and to be honest I have learned to be comfortable being alone. After 15 years of marriage at this point we tend to have blended our lives fairly nicely. We have figured out the areas of disagreement and have dealt with our differences. Junior works on multiple projects at one time. It drives me up a wall. As I take this affliction to God I find myself learning to accept his strange to me ways and frankly I am ok with his erratic behavior to me. Junior tolerates my changing a subject every few seconds. He tolerates me having very hyper moments. It has been a lot of work to blend the way we lived in the past and set up a new way as a couple but again I find contentment. I believe in my heart that learning to take my struggle to God has taught me to be more flexible and tolerant. It is a comfort that I don’t have a need to fight to be right. So in learning to accept Junior as he is and not trying to change him I find that life is sweet and he truly does not need to be fixed. I like that a lot. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 26, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am home from volunteering at the church….it is trying to rain AGAIN! We leave in the morning to the other side of the state so we can watch the granddaughter play softball in a travel league and to be honest I am as excited as I can get. This is the first game I will go to since she joined the league. I will get to see her in action and that excites me to no end. Little brother will be there so we can occupy him if he gets bored and I am sure he will. Each encounter makes me hopeful that we may finally move past the anger of what went on in that marriage. Sometimes I feel like the kids will never move past the past. Every once in a while I sense a moment of forgiveness and then I feel hopeful yet again. I have given up beating myself up for allowing the abuse, for the anger that could flame up at a moment’s notice and I even forgive myself. I feel God’s forgiveness and frankly there is no way I can make up for went wrong. I try to live now and accept that what went wrong went wrong. I have felt God tell me that “He has forgiven me” and at that point I find myself letting go. At this point my goal in life is to live, give all I have to God. In God I find wholeness, acceptance and I try to move forward instead of beating myself up. When I hurt and feel alone I again find that God is right there beside me. Junior loves me, I marvel that this man still loves me and wants me. We have friends who care deeply and frankly that feels nice. Our pets seem to think that we are the best and that feels good as well. If I like myself then I am not putting myself in harm’s way and yup that too feels good. I continue to learn to give Agape love, seek another’s highest good. When I take the focus off of “me” I find I don’t live in constant pain and I even enjoy life. I love rooting for another person to work through a difficult struggle. I still find those moments where I have private conversations about the past. Those come late at night and at that point I begin talking to God. God will tell me I am a “good” person even though I am filled with sin. The more I see “good” in me the more I want to live right. God helps me let go of the “wrong” that has gone on in my life. God forgives our sins as far as the east is from the west. I have learned that the east and west will never meet. If I am forgiven then I find I need to live in the “now.” I learn to quit making to the same mistakes and make better choices. That feels good as well. This time around there is no anger in my life. With prayer and counseling I have learned that anger does not have to rule my life. I am able to reach out and love like I am loved and that feels good. Sometimes I feel sad because certain people don’t love me and then God reminds me that I matter. God reminds me to begin a new and as I begin a new…..life seems to have direction and purpose and it feels fairly awesome. God is taking me past the point of hurt as well. As long as I stayed in MI I tried to make amends that did not seem to work. In moving I am learning to love where I am at and to accept life as it is, not the dream of what I wanted so long ago. God talked us into moving to VA and frankly I wake amazed almost daily. The house we are in is perfect for us as we continue to get older. We have pets that love us and watch out for us. We have friends and they like us as we are and frankly that feels nice. As I grow older I am accepting my limitations as well. I have finally learned that the day of spending a few hours and getting a major chore done are gone. These days I work on the house fairly much daily in small segments and it stays comfortably clean. So I am content in whom I am these days. That feels fairly nice to tell you the truth. As the renovating comes to an end I am excited as well. Soon in a year or so I will have a bathtub, I love the deck and the peace that settles over me. I love moving slower. It has been hard getting used to the slower movement in life but I have finally learned to live in slowness. The longer Junior loves on me the more content and safe I feel. I continue to ask God to teach me to be what Junior needs and that too feels wonderful. Life these days is not about “Janet” but about loving others as God loves me and life seems to feel even more precious. Those late night conversations come less frequently these days. When I am in the midst of such a conversation I begin asking God to help me move past the conversation and in short order I am thinking about what I do have instead of what I don’t have. As I accept life where I am I sometimes am given another chance to connect with my children and at that point I sense we may truly move forward. God has taught me to let go and as I let go God can do his healing in His time and it works out perfect. The more I continue on in this faith journey the more I find myself getting lost in the Lord. The more lost in the Lord I get I find contentment and life is truly sweet! May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 26 2013

August 26, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am at my morning routine. I am in my chair and I find myself looking out the screen door. I love watching the humming birds come by for a drink. I love listening to the various birds chatter with their sing song way. I think again about the phone call I had with my son. Is this where we will be the friends I long to be? I am not sure but a door has opened up once again and I am opening it. A plays softball on a travel league and they will be heading to VA in a week or so for a game. I was invited to attend and shortly after we hung up I received directions so I do believe we will be going. While we are there A’s brother will have a birthday and I am looking forward to taking him shopping for his birthday. If we can we will also get A and take her….we will see. I am excited to see both kids, Mom and Dad. My health is also on the increase and so I am also excited about that. For the last few years I have struggled to maintain myself. The biggest struggle was my lack of sleep and the less I slept the more I could not think straight. Now that I have the CPAP machine I am sleeping all night most nights and I may wake up but it will only be an hour and then I am back to sleep for the remainder of the night. I love that beyond words. I am able to make routines and keep them. I also understand my stumbling and what have you. I thought because I had put on weight for the first time in my life that my stumbling was due to my being heavier. Nope it is because I have a birth defect where my brain stem is growing inside of my vertebrae. I will need a cane to help me balance and I will continue to be unstable but I should not get much worse. That is a comfort. The Prozac helps me keep the past in the past and I don’t dredge up my old fears like I had been doing for a long time. The Zantac helps with my GERDS and I am not vomiting very often these days. So life is really sweet again. My housework routines are coming together rather nicely. That feels great as well. As Junior finishes up on the deck he is looking at starting the kitchen and I believe he will start that soon. The weather continues to get hotter and working inside will be cooler. The deck continues to help me as well. I sit outside and soak up the beautiful peaceful beauty outside. I come in from time to time to do a bit of housework and I love it. I believe I have finally gone from a working Mother in my mind to a retired woman and my routines now are more in line with my being home all day many days a week. I love my walks out here and the dogs keep me a breast of anything that may be near in the area. After seeing the bears at the side of the road I have found comfort in the dogs tagging along more so. Making it to the end of the road and back is about a half hour and I feel that is a decent walk. With the 3 hills I must go up and down I think the walk is very healthy for me. As I continue to feel settled I also find myself making new goals and frankly that feels nice as well. I am hoping to start my Yoga routine up again. I continue to lift arm weights at night as I watch TV. I do want to be as healthy as I can in old age. Mom comes back to me again. At 64 when she died Mom had a hard time walking across the front room without being out of breath. That of course was due to her smoking. I have never smoked so I hope to avoid that problem. When I was a young person I believed that if I took care of my body, my body would take care of me. Taking care of my body meant to me eat well, exercise and leave drinking and drugs alone. I did try them for a bit but to be honest I did not like the way they felt on my system so I did not continue down that path. In my heart I hope that our time together will be better because I am on the other side of my struggles. We will see. My thinking is clearer again and frankly I like that a lot. I am older and I am not what I once was but that said I think I am once again in decent shape for a person my age. We are also seeing an end in sight for the renovating. That helps me a ton as well. I realize we will always have projects to keep our house in order but the huge job of renovating is quickly coming to an end. I am on the lookout for another volunteer opportunity. I realize that I need to be able to work at my speed and the group projects for now anyway may not be what I can do. I love Friday’s where I help fold the bulletins and straighten the pews. It is a few of us, it is quiet and I seem to handle that fairly well so I am on the lookout for another quiet time volunteer opportunity. I continue to marvel at God for having us move out here. I continue to marvel at how much I love this house. I have never loved a house like I love this one and I truly hope to never move again. Junior’s creative touches also are a marvel to me. I want to do more for the Lord. I truly do. I also find that working for the Lord does not have to be a visible job. It is sometimes done quietly. We donate our money as we are able. We try to love each other as if Jesus were our Savior. We attempt to be “good” people to the best of our ability with God’s direction leading us. So we will head to the other side of the state in a few weeks. Even with our children and grandchildren I will attempt to live as if Jesus were my Savior. We used to read a Children’s Bible to the grandchildren when they stayed with us. Our role will be different and I am in prayer asking God to guide my words, my actions as we come together. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 24 2013

August 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today I sit out on the deck go inside and putz around. I need this day to be honest. Monday and Wednesday we ran to Johnson City and Kingsport TN. Tuesday we ran to Vansant and frankly a day of quiet sounds real good about now. My birth defect is about as bad as it will get. I am happy with that news. I will be unstable from now on and need a cane but that is about it. No surgery will fix my problem and frankly I am happy about that fact. Junior went for a prostrate checkup and we are waiting for those results. He has shown high on his blood test for years but we are in a new place so these doctors begin to learn Junior. Being a little over conscious is ok with me. Today as I do the porch sit routine all four cats are outside with me and it is awesome to have their quiet presence out here. All four cats are napping and they seem at peace. How cute. I am waiting for the sheets to dry on the line on the back porch. I have gone for my walk down to the end of the road and back. I am thinking about Yoga again and I hope to start that routine soon. I may even bring my mat outside and do it on the deck. I stop typing for a second and listen to the sounds around me. My being begins to melt and the tension of the last several days seems to disappear. I look around at the chestnut trees, the boxwood shrubs and I again soak in the quietness that is more my life these days. The other thing I love about the deck is that people can’t tell I am out here for the most part. It is hidden from view and I soak up the quiet. I look at the plants placed around the deck and enjoy their colorful beauty. Again I check out the sleeping cats. Yup once more I am enthralled with our new home. I marvel at the peace I feel these days. For most of my life I knew strife and when strife wasn’t happening I missed it. These days I love the quiet routines of life way more than strife. I love the quiet routines that fill my day in and day out. Yup life can be sweet. I always thought that was a lie. I also thought people lied to me when they got along with their mate. Nope couples can truly enjoy each other. I marvel as my days continue to fill with mundane things. I love hanging the sheets on the line so I can smell the fresh scent they have. I love cats sleeping on the deck while I sit in quietness. I love watching the dogs chase after some imagined thing as I sit up above them. I even love when I stop to listen to the quietness, birds chattering, the wind rustling through the trees and the like. I must admit for most of my life I never knew this peace. It is awesome. I love our busy days of running and our quiet at home days. Too much of either one is rough but each week we seem to balance the week out with both and I love it to no end. My sixtieth birthday is around the corner and for the first time in my life this decade change is not upsetting to me. I am old and “that is ok.” That in of itself is freeing. I need a cane and “that is ok.” People don’t like me “and that is ok.” Yup I have learned to accept life as it is instead of wishing it were more than it is. To be honest life in the mundane is truly nice. In fact I tend to look about 10 years younger than I am and for the first time I start to think that looking my age would help because people then would understand my being unable to do things. I love our country home in the middle of nowhere. I made it to this age and I marvel as well. I have survived Dad’s polio and his anger, Mom’s distance, a bad marriage and kids not so fond of me. Yup that is ok. “It is what it is.” God gives me so much that I don’t mourn like I used to. We have a very comfortable home, a beautiful piece of property, a great walk and to be honest life is sweet these days. Our pets are always happy to see us. I like that feeling a whole lot. We have friends who like us just the way we are and yup that is freeing. I feel like God is continuing to use me and that I am productive even if I am not active like I once was. I am able to come beside a young mother from time to time and I am able to give her some of the wisdom life has given me. I am my pets center of attention and yup that feels nice. Junior continues to enjoy me and that too feels awesome. My life is full and it feels complete. As the house moves closer to being finished I even imagine us living in a completed home and it excites me to no end. I also love that for the first time Junior and I have melded our home to reflect each of us. We have come to a compromise on cleanliness. As a messy I continue to find my husband a clean freak as well. He may be comfortable with stacks and piles but this man also vacuums the floor daily, mops the bedroom, bathroom and entry way weekly. He may tend to stack things but underneath that stack it is clean. He tends to wash the dishes throughout the day so over all, I find him a comfortable companion. I thank God again and again for my new life. I am married and love this man like no tomorrow. I love our new home and home state beyond words. My life is good and I am thankful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 21 2013

August 21, 2013 Greetings My Friend, It is the 4th of July today as I write. We went to town to see what the happenings were and for the most part the activities have been cancelled due to rain. So we picked up a few groceries and came on home. I put the sheets up on the line, the towels in the dryer, made a salad for lunch and conked out. I am trying to wake up and then I will make the bed and move through the day. J and B are here spending the holiday with us. They went to town in their car since they were hoping to spend the day and we were not. The rain has come down hard so the guys are suspending work for the time being. It is nap time for Junior and that works. B is in her room as we call it taking a nap. I love that my naps are not the norm anymore but every once in a while I do cave in and take a nap. The power is out so sewing is out of the question. The rain has stopped and I hear birds outside. I have been hanging the sheets on the line. Junior has strung up clothes line on the porch and frankly that is nice. I am thinking about starting to hang more of our clothes as they are washed. I will dry the towels in the dryer but not much else. I have the time and frankly the smell is awesome. If the rain stops long enough maybe we will go to town for the fireworks tonight. That should be fun. Junior and I have not done the fireworks routine a lot since we married. I think it may be fun out here, not a big production like in Detroit on the river but fun. It is fun these days as we travel about town. We know more people and will stop to say hello to them. It feels nice really. Out here people tend to love people even if they have strange ways. The church family has taken B in like she is one of the families. B can be a character and the community where she lives tends to push her away. She is smart and frankly I am not sure what it is that people don’t like. Our church family seems to like her. Again I marvel at God placing us in this community. We fall in love with the surroundings and our home fairly much on a daily basis and then I find the people taking us in and loving us and well it is amazing that God knew right where we needed to be. I soon forget that people in MI tended to think Junior was a character. They tended to tolerate me but that was it. Here we are truly liked and loved and it is precious. I find myself not missing MI much at all. I am sad but I truly would rather stay here these days. As I am accepted I find myself accepting those who are strange to me. There is the Agape love again. I truly believe when we can learn to move outside of ourselves and love people as God loves us then we will find an acceptance. When I look at my relationship with God that is the relationship style He uses with me. He takes me warts and all and loves me. I begin to want to change because I am accepted and wanted and loved and it is so awesome. I find myself following God’s laws more and more. It is my desire. My wants have changed and frankly making life all about Janet is not what it once was. I find that I want to love others the way God loves me. I find that God always has more than enough love to give me. When I begin to love as I am loved well it is awesome. As a young woman I loved to show my female parts. I loved to be angry just to be angry and now those traits are foreign to me. I at one point loved to gossip and nope not anymore. Now when I am struggling I may talk about people not to be a gossip but to try and wrap my brain around their ways. I start off by asking God to help me and He has been faithful and will. I am amazed when all of a sudden a person no longer bugs me. I start seeing them as a child of God and accept them. As the years have gone on I find myself changing. I want to please God more than anything. I don’t wear provocative clothes anymore, I don’t cave into anger and I don’t allow others to abuse me. I always see that in Jesus. He told people what he thought. It took me a long time to see that being a Christian did mean being a patsy for everybody. I was afraid that I would deny God for fear of being hurt. These days I don’t worry about denying God because frankly I often reflect on Jesus’ prayer in the Garden. He prayed “Take this cup of suffering from me, not my will but yours.” I see Jesus very distraught and not wanting to go through with the coming events of his execution. He is sweating drops of blood. He is anxious as he fusses with the disciples about praying for Him. Next I see Jesus being comforted by the angels. Then he goes from the Garden to the horror of His execution. About this point I find that if I am given a truly difficult task, God will give me the will power to see the task through. Then I reflect that God has walked me through divorce, angry children and even cancer. I realize that I truly am not alone and God will be with me in all of my trials. I find a great sense of comfort in that. I am also grateful that God doesn’t just take the trial away but will walk with me through the trial and then there is that moment on the other side where I find I am happy and even proud of what I was able to overcome. Again it is God not me. Yup life is sweet these days and I will enjoy the days I have left. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 19 2013

August 19, 2013 Greetings My Friend, In a bit we will leave for a doctor appointment for Junior in Kingsport which is a couple hours away. I think of various chores to do and I sit. I went for my walk and that is now done, I’ve read the Bible and I’ve said my prayers so I am moving along fairly nicely. With the advent of a trip though I have lost the desire to jump up and clean. It is what it is. The house looks pretty good so again not a huge problem. I’ve reminded Junior to come in and take a nap and he has yet to come in. He has learned that if he takes vitamin B 12 his energy level stays up there and his nap is not necessary. Oh there he is I can hear his footsteps and frankly I am happy he will sleep a bit before we leave. I was planning on being home so that throws a clinker into my plans. I am not good when the routines are moved around. I do love to run don’t get me wrong. I get befuddled though and my routines are a flutter. I’d rather run as well. I love the get out and do stuff type of days just as much as I love sitting at home. As the house continues to take shape though the messed up routines is not so bad and I pick up with my routines the next day. All of this is good. Junior hung a screen door yesterday for the front room. Yup I love it. We’ve been opening the door with no screen and to be honest I like the screen door in place. The door is locked and a holdover I am sure from life in the city. I started sewing my quilt last night and have done one of the pieces so far. I continue to think how to put this together and enjoy the thought process. I am planning out things again and I love it. It is what I love to do. I plan on how to decorate, to organize and even how to manage my day. I love it. I am once more doing the thing I love puzzling through life. I’ve even decided on the type of clothes I want to wear in retirement, the hair clips I like and shoes to wear. Alex is back in my lap sleeping on my wrist. Why the wrist I wonder. I will never know. He feels good though. I went outside and sat on the deck. Mary Jane comes and snuggles me. I loved on her. Tiger will let me pet him once in a while but mostly he would rather not be touched. Once more I feel the peace inside of me. I thank God for getting me out of the slump I had been in. I continue to fall in love with our new home, our new state, our pets and life in general. We are where we need to be in our retirement years. Again I marvel because I would have never thought to move out here. The thankfulness of life amazes me yet again. God teaches me to be thankful and when I am I begin to find life a pleasure. I have also learned to praise God for all that He is, does and gives. The more the praises and thankful moments are expressed the more peace I feel. I marvel that I am a happy woman married to a kind and gentle man. I marvel that I love the mundane things in life and that drama is not what I want anymore. Slowly God has changed me as the years have gone on and I tend to like the “Janet” God is creating me to be. I am done beating myself up because I can’t seem to meet another’s expectation of what they want me to be. I also think that part of turning 60 is a realization I am who I am. I am not going to have a fancy career, a high paying job, live in a model home and have a lot of money. I am ok with that these days. I have nothing to prove and frankly it is freeing. I have lived the life I lived. For the most part I am not ashamed of what I was and did. As God keeps reminding me I am ok. I like that feeling to be honest. So I move forward into my older years accepting myself for where I am. At times I am amazed at what I have overcome. For me overcoming has come through God teaching me to be what He wants me to be. I love that anger is not part of my personality anymore. I marvel that the slightest provocation does not set me off into a fit of anger. I like that I don’t cry every day because my feelings have been hurt or my body battered. I love that I am not afraid to talk to people. The shy “Janet” of my youth is long gone. The woman who thought she had no right to feel or do what she wanted with her body is long gone. I don’t have to be stubborn to prove no one is going to own me. I love my husband. He is a joy and sharing life with him is about the most fun I’ve ever had. We laugh with each other, we love God together and life is sweet. I don’t care that others may think he is strange, isn’t the most handsome. To me he is my Mr. Wonderful. We enter into each day as a couple, we think as a couple and frankly it is sweet. As I struggle with my body doing strange things and as his tries to break down we find comfort in each other being beside each other. It is awesome. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 19, 2013 Greetings My Friend, In a bit we will leave for a doctor appointment for Junior in Kingsport which is a couple hours away. I think of various chores to do and I sit. I went for my walk and that is now done, I’ve read the Bible and I’ve said my prayers so I am moving along fairly nicely. With the advent of a trip though I have lost the desire to jump up and clean. It is what it is. The house looks pretty good so again not a huge problem. I’ve reminded Junior to come in and take a nap and he has yet to come in. He has learned that if he takes vitamin B 12 his energy level stays up there and his nap is not necessary. Oh there he is I can hear his footsteps and frankly I am happy he will sleep a bit before we leave. I was planning on being home so that throws a clinker into my plans. I am not good when the routines are moved around. I do love to run don’t get me wrong. I get befuddled though and my routines are a flutter. I’d rather run as well. I love the get out and do stuff type of days just as much as I love sitting at home. As the house continues to take shape though the messed up routines is not so bad and I pick up with my routines the next day. All of this is good. Junior hung a screen door yesterday for the front room. Yup I love it. We’ve been opening the door with no screen and to be honest I like the screen door in place. The door is locked and a holdover I am sure from life in the city. I started sewing my quilt last night and have done one of the pieces so far. I continue to think how to put this together and enjoy the thought process. I am planning out things again and I love it. It is what I love to do. I plan on how to decorate, to organize and even how to manage my day. I love it. I am once more doing the thing I love puzzling through life. I’ve even decided on the type of clothes I want to wear in retirement, the hair clips I like and shoes to wear. Alex is back in my lap sleeping on my wrist. Why the wrist I wonder. I will never know. He feels good though. I went outside and sat on the deck. Mary Jane comes and snuggles me. I loved on her. Tiger will let me pet him once in a while but mostly he would rather not be touched. Once more I feel the peace inside of me. I thank God for getting me out of the slump I had been in. I continue to fall in love with our new home, our new state, our pets and life in general. We are where we need to be in our retirement years. Again I marvel because I would have never thought to move out here. The thankfulness of life amazes me yet again. God teaches me to be thankful and when I am I begin to find life a pleasure. I have also learned to praise God for all that He is, does and gives. The more the praises and thankful moments are expressed the more peace I feel. I marvel that I am a happy woman married to a kind and gentle man. I marvel that I love the mundane things in life and that drama is not what I want anymore. Slowly God has changed me as the years have gone on and I tend to like the “Janet” God is creating me to be. I am done beating myself up because I can’t seem to meet another’s expectation of what they want me to be. I also think that part of turning 60 is a realization I am who I am. I am not going to have a fancy career, a high paying job, live in a model home and have a lot of money. I am ok with that these days. I have nothing to prove and frankly it is freeing. I have lived the life I lived. For the most part I am not ashamed of what I was and did. As God keeps reminding me I am ok. I like that feeling to be honest. So I move forward into my older years accepting myself for where I am. At times I am amazed at what I have overcome. For me overcoming has come through God teaching me to be what He wants me to be. I love that anger is not part of my personality anymore. I marvel that the slightest provocation does not set me off into a fit of anger. I like that I don’t cry every day because my feelings have been hurt or my body battered. I love that I am not afraid to talk to people. The shy “Janet” of my youth is long gone. The woman who thought she had no right to feel or do what she wanted with her body is long gone. I don’t have to be stubborn to prove no one is going to own me. I love my husband. He is a joy and sharing life with him is about the most fun I’ve ever had. We laugh with each other, we love God together and life is sweet. I don’t care that others may think he is strange, isn’t the most handsome. To me he is my Mr. Wonderful. We enter into each day as a couple, we think as a couple and frankly it is sweet. As I struggle with my body doing strange things and as his tries to break down we find comfort in each other being beside each other. It is awesome. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 17 2013

August 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend Today is Sunday and I am once more out on the deck waiting for Junior to make us lunch. He is nice that way he tends to make lunch for us on Sundays and I feel like I’ve been given a break. We usually have some sort of pasta and I am in carb heaven. My wants and desires are not what they once were. I find life truly is not much about me at all and you know what? It feels good. Janet of yesteryear loved to make everything about Janet. I liked being the center of my own universe. Today though in Jesus I like Agape Love as my role models to live. Agape love is when you seek another’s highest good. For me reading my Bible fairly much daily and praying fairly much daily is changing my life. I am starting to want things God wants and desires. I am starting to make these things my wants and desires, not to be a “yes” person to God but because I truly want these things. The more I seek another’s highest good the more peace and content I feel. Once more God’s ways seem strange but in the end I want what God wants and it truly feels wonderful. My life focus is not “me” anymore. I don’t spend every waking moment in some sort of service as well. I’d like to but I can’t. This has been hard. I love to volunteer, to be involved with people and frankly I can’t be that woman anymore and at times I miss it so much. I am learning how to be quiet. It is strange to me. I like action and movement. That is what moves me. I must say that I am learning to love to spend days at home doing mundane things. I never thought that I could be into that type of lifestyle and frankly I love it. Right now I am on the deck writing outside and I listen to birds chatter, feel a slight breeze and soak up the quiet of nature. I truly think I’ve started making a lot of forward movement with the addition of this deck and it is incredible. I was talking to B last night on the phone. She found herself sitting on her porch more and she is journaling. She said she has not felt this kind of peace ever. I’m not surprised. I can’t say why but it is calming and I love it beyond words. I am also settling into more routines out here on the porch. I may go in to use the bathroom, make lunch and generally I will find something to pick up, clean and the like. Our house is looking more and more put together. I am learning that jobs are not done in a few hour time span anymore but in small doses and it feels real nice. I am also getting into crafting more and I love that as well. I knew that I knew that I would see the other side to my depression and fairly much daily I find myself content and not depressed now. It has been a long road and now life is truly beginning. In my conversations with Junior I have also made other decisions. When I first retired I was not sure how I would dress most days. I kept my work clothes and a year after I retired I got rid of most of them. Then I started wearing pants each Sunday and found myself giving my dresses away. I wear crocks and sandals for the most part and love it. I don’t seem to get all excited about shoes like I used to and it feels ok. This past week or so I have decided that the tee shirts with a Christian message in bold coloring and wording is not my thing and I like the tee shirts that have a cross on it with no words and is real girly. I want my message to be out there but I don’t need a lot of words to get my message across. It feels good. I wear Christian jewelry like ear rings, necklace and bracelets. I don’t wear these to shout to the world I wear them to remind me I am on a faith journey. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of a piece of my jewelry and it makes me stop and think about Jesus. It is my way of staying on track in my faith. My hair covers up my ear rings for the most part. My necklace is worn on the inside of my shirt so the only thing that is constantly out is my bracelet. Again I wear jewelry to remind me of the commitment I made. The daily reminders help me to stay on track and I like that feeling. I also am finding that I tend to have my self-worth wrapped up in the Lord. I am not constantly seeking people’s value of me. God has been revealing some of my past to me and I asked Junior what could it mean. I have been understanding a quirk in my nature and wondered what to do with what I saw. For me if a person wants me to change, to listen they must do so in a gentle way. If they come across with an attitude or even physically I find I will not do it just to show them that I don’t have to. I have been embarrassed about this personality quirk. Junior mentioned that God may be showing this to me not to punish me but to tell me that He wants me to keep up with this trait. By doing this I don’t automatically go with the flow. I have a tendency to believe others know more than me and want to change to fit them. It is not always good. I try very hard to listen to God, to keep God as my center point. It is hard when someone is not happy with me and I begin trying to change myself just for them. I am getting more and more comfortable with checking out things with God first and frankly life could not be sweeter. The more I go to prayer, read my Bible do a Bible study or two the more I find myself in tune with God and His perfect ways. I love to study and I am entering into another phase of studying more. I love it to be frank. I may be getting older, forgetful, slower and the like but I still find I can grow and it feels rather nice. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 12, 2013 Greetings My Friend, The roof on the deck is about finished and yup I am a happy camper. In a bit I will head outside and begin my in and out movements. Right now I can’t get on the internet outside so I still start my mornings in the entry way in my comfy chair with my cat Alex snuggled in close. I am moving along with my quilt as well and have the first row of tee shirts pinned to the sheet. I am thinking I may sew one row at a time. Right now that makes sense so I will see. I tend to pin the quilt in the evenings while I watch TV. Junior has set up a small table and a chair for me next to my comfy chair in the TV area. That will be nice. I can then sew in the TV area and keep up with my programs. Life continues to settle and that is a blessing beyond words. I like when life is following regular routines. It feels good way down deep inside of me and I don’t feel a flux like I was. I have learned a lot about me in the past few years. I must say the more I give myself to God the better I feel. I marvel once more at how I love our boring life. We do the same routine most days. We do very little drama and it feels real nice. For me drama was all I knew forever and a day. I was a drama queen and loved it. Then I grew tired of it. Now I am in love with we just get up and do each day with no drama. I love having my routines. Routines help me process life. They feel familiar and that is nice. I also love a quiet lifestyle anymore. The porch time is precious beyond words. In the quietness I find my way back to day to day living. The confusion of two moves in two years and settling into retirement are about gone now. I’ve been retired for 5 years already. For some reason I stop and look around, I look at the humming bird feeder, the dogs sleeping on the floor and Alex is in my lap. I hear Junior dipping his spoon into his cereal bowl. Once more I relish the quiet the unassuming in life. We will go for a walk after he is done with breakfast. I am not as winded as I was going to the end of the road and back. This is a good thing. Of course the dogs will tag along. When I sit out on the deck we have it closed off to the dogs. Out there the cats roam. I find I enjoy their quiet presence as well. I am thinking about adding more exercise to my day. I am thinking maybe adding Yoga to my routine. I loved it back in the day and I see where I might enjoy it again and it may help me be more agile. Through the years I have added my own thing to the Yoga. Instead of breathing in the whole universe I tend to breathe God into my being. It meant a lot to me to not cave into to some of the Yoga themes. So I began making Yoga about my Christian walk wherever I could. Some people don’t seem to have a problem with mixing the two. I did so I began putting my faith into the exercises and I like that. Yesterday at church I started thinking and wondering if I may be at the point of adding a bit more volunteer time to my day. I like when I can show up later in the morning. I like walking through the sanctuary filling the pew pockets. I like the chatter with other women as we fold the bulletins. I don’t think I want a lot of work but an hour or two might be just right for now anyway. We are back from our morning walk. We are up to a half hour to the end of the road and back home. It is so peaceful. As we walk along a couple of neighbors are out and about. We stop and chat before moving on again. That too is sweet. I made cabbage soup yesterday. I’ve not ate it much in recent years because I’d have heartburn real bad. Now that I am on Zantac I thought I’d try it again and so far so good. I use V8 juice as the base and to me it tastes yummy. The roof on the deck is awesome. It covers the entire deck so I can sit anywhere and I can even see the computer screen. A few more boards need to be nailed in place and Junior will straighten the deck up and the pretty stage will begin to take shape. He has started using lattice boards for the filler between the top and bottom spots and it is pretty. We are thinking to put our fire pit on a ledge just off the porch that he will build. He is thinking of using quick create for the base instead of a stone under the pit. I love the planning and implementing the design for the porch. It excites me to no end. I am amazed at how peaceful it is out on the deck. I love sitting on the deck, get up every once in a while and go inside. While inside I tackle a quick job or two and then head back to the deck. Another routine is quickly taking shape and I love it. The house gets picked up and looks good as I learn to do a bit here and a bit there. The chestnut trees are in bloom and to me are beautiful. They are full and the flowers are strangely beautiful. I stop and listen to the birds chatter. Life could not get any sweeter. Thank you Lord for pointing us to this place it is more than I would have imagined. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 12, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am working through some anger right now. It is a 40 min drive to the city where my CPAP supplies are so then it is another 40 minutes back. Every month for the past year I’ve gone in to get my supplies and today the lady tells me I am only due for supplies every 3 months and when I said I’d been in she argued with me. I will transfer my account to one in town which should only be a 20 min. drive…..I’m done! The drive has started to wear on me and I asked if I could have my supplies mailed to me. The same woman was upset saying that they have so many they have to mail out…….so do they want my business? It does not sound like it! Add to my frustration is the fact that I can’t get on line. We picked up a new cable cord when we were in town and got home with it. Junior hooked it up and still no internet. I haven’t uploaded my blog in several days now and I would like to. Once we got home I headed for the deck. I’m out here listening to the birds chatter. The cats are all tired out and sleeping and I find that peace is slowly coming back to me. I went for a short walk up the first killer hill and back….that too is quieting my anger. I pulled the mini trampoline out and jumped on that for a few minutes. When I got back one of the cats is in the middle of it sound asleep. He has another bed…… I called M and she is doing ok. I called baby sister. She had surgery and is out. She is tired and sleepy but doing ok. That feels real nice to hear. We chatted for a bit and then she needed to hang up so she could go back to sleep. Junior is threading the sewing machine needle for me because I can’t see it very well. I hope to start sewing on my quilt after that. Little Sister seems to think that even if I make stitches throughout the quilt I will still have problems due to the tee shirt material. I will find out. The more I sit out here the calmer I am starting to feel. My anger at the home health care people is starting to subside. The nice thing is while we were in town we got cheap Chinese for lunch and yup that hit the spot. I got weighed at the doctor’s recently and I am up a few pounds. I know it is the eating ice cream for dinner doing me in and I try to decide if I will give up ice cream for dinner or not. With Junior, he tends to accept me whatever weight I am. That said I do like looking the best I can for him so I also think he’d appreciate it if I lost the few pounds. We will see. I feel like I’ve made a few more retirement decisions. I found the size clips I can use in my hair and have decided to use them. I have decided on the type of clothing I want to wear for the most part and will start looking for that. On top of clothing choices I am working out a routine with housework that is starting to fill out the week and keep our home nice looking. When I try to spray the bathtub area all over the fumes get to me so I am thinking I will spray one section for 6 days which should cover each area and the smell won’t do me in. Mondays is dusting day and humming bird feeder day. I will even clean the bathroom…..so each day begins to fill in nicely and I love it. The deck roof is now up and yup it is awesome. I am not in the sun and that is real nice. I am sitting outside more and then I head inside to do a little this and a little that and yup it feels real nice. I am writing outside and I love it. It is getting to be late afternoon early evening before I head in to watch TV and that feels real nice. I am slowly starting to decorate the deck. I love being the girl and decorating. I have chairs placed around the deck in a comfortable fashion and plants are out on the deck as well. I feel it is homey outside and I am happy. I love to have a look where a place looks inviting, like take off your shoes a while and relax. That always makes me happy. Again I look around and there are the cats sleeping. They look content with their home and that makes me real happy. The anger I was trying to deal with is fairly much gone now. Thank you Lord Jesus. I’ve asked for help putting these things in the right perspective. God has once more amazed me and my attitude is much more comfortable again. I stop for a moment, listen to the birds chatter, feel the breeze and totally fall in love with my life yet again. I fall in love with the plants on the porch and enjoy the color they bring to the porch. This life out here is so awesome. I love the trees everywhere, the mountains and life here in the middle of nowhere. It is time for me to go clean the bathroom and spray an area in the tub. I will putz around for a bit and then head back outside. I can move slower these days and it affects no one. I love that a lot. Our home looks nice for the most part and I like that feeling as well. Junior will work till it is dark outside and then come in for the evening. We chatted while we drove to town and that too felt good. I am good with the two of us going in our own direction for a few hours now. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 10, 2013 Greetings My Friend, At one point in my life I was on top of my schedule. I kept a calendar in my purse and when I got home I would write it on the wall calendar as well. These days I have a smart phone instead of a pocket calendar and I somehow can’t get my schedule out there. Junior went to the doctor this week and needs to see several other doctors. I put them on the wall calendar and guess what? I wrote them on the wrong dates. He has a new appointment today for an ultra sound on his carotid artery and discovered my goof up. I was on the phone with a friend and we got to talking. It seems like being older means our “job” these days is going from one doctor appointment to another. My friend and her husband have serious health issues. Her 86 year old Dad has many appointments that he needs to go to and she goes along with him on his appointments as well. She and her family tend to be gone several days a week anymore just to go to the various doctor appointments. Again I am grateful to be retired. Again I am grateful to move at a slower pace with housework and my life in general. I can make appointments for early afternoon so if I happen to sleep late I won’t miss an appointment. I need an hour to get functioning in the morning. Gone are the days where I roll out of bed and start running. I can’t. Even thinking through tasks has its challenges. I often find myself confused about something rather simple. I lose track of things more often and I find myself asking God to show me where I left something like my cell phone, my needles or such. More often than not God will open my eyes to where I laid things and I am so grateful. For a long time I wanted to pray more. For years I could cover all my prayers in bed as I went to sleep and woke up. As my sleep pattern settled down I started praying in my comfy chair. I wanted to pray more and I am realizing I am. My hyper ways can be a challenge to Junior. When we travel sometimes I want to talk and talk and talk some more. Sometimes I see his eye glaze over and I realize I am bombarding him with all my words. Lately I find myself chatting with God about mundane things just to chat with someone. I tell Junior often that I take my chatter to the Lord and he always thanks me. In recent years I have learned when I see an accident or hear sirens to begin praying for those in the accident and the ones working on the injured and the hospital staff and the family etc. For me I seemed to come to God as I learned how to look at what Jesus endured on the cross. It is an awful mess and for a while I resisted. God told me to pray through the cross and as I have prayed I started seeing God’s love for me for mankind. My relationship seems to be more intimate and frankly I am glad God told me to pray through the cross. Some days that is the only prayer I say. I don’t mean to not say the other prayers but life keeps happening and I don’t get to my prayers like I want to. I want to be mad at myself. God keeps me starting over and I do. In this I begin to sense a deep intimate relationship with God. As I realize the intimate relationship I have I begin to understand that our relationship with God is not unlike my relationship with Junior. When we don’t connect often we tend to pull away from each other. The more we connect the deeper our relationship tends to go. Connecting with each other does not mean we are joined at the hip as well. We have times where we are together and times we go off on our own. It needs to be a good balance and each couple will have their own balance. I find myself feeling secure in my relationship with Junior and I don’t need to have his constant attention. He feels secure with my love and does not need my constant attention. When we started dating we both committed to each other and no one else. It was a promise we made. I believe that knowing he isn’t stepping out on me and me on him has given us the security we need. For some reason Junior has joined the older women’s Sunday school class at church. He thinks he is teaching the women a thing or two and frankly I think the women think they are teaching Junior a thing or two. Often times one of the women will ask me if I am jealous. I am not. I know Junior only wants me and I am not afraid of someone taking my husband away. I am the first love in Junior’s life and he does not want to lose me. Due to the abuse in my past I tend to not to want to be overly friendly with men. It takes me a bit to feel safe. I don’t have eyes that roam. Junior is safe and the only guy I want in my life. We know this about each other and frankly it feels freeing. I feel extra good when I hear Junior get arrogant. He feels safe with me and for the first time in his life he feels that a woman wants him and only him. Junior’s mother died when he was five years old. His Dad married again within months after her death and his step mother was rather abusive. Some of Junior’s struggles with women are deeply ingrained. We come together and know how the other one feels and it is wonderful. We may not be real popular. We may seem strange to many people. All I know is that for the first time in my life I am able to connect with a man and have a deep intimate relationship. Junior is my comfort as I go from doctor to doctor trying to understand the craziness within my body. He holds me when life hurts. He rejoices with me when I overcome a struggle or even when I write a book. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 7, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is an at home day and I must say it feels awesome. Monday was a trip to Johnson City about 3-4hrs from here. Tuesday was a dentist appointment, dr. appointment for Junior and a trip to Lowe’s to pick out a couple of screen doors, insulation and such. So today we are home. Yup I do love the slowdown time. I made cheese soup from a recipe I found on line and I don’t think I’ll make this version anytime soon. So I go in search of another cheese soup recipe. I love that Junior doesn’t need me to make 3 meals a day every day. I love that I can make a pot of something and eat on it for a few days and then cook again. It works real nice. Alex and Blanko are my buddies and that too feels awesome. Alex is once more wresting on my wrist as I type. He has done that since he was tiny. The dogs are asleep along with Junior taking his nap. Life is quiet and moving so slowly today. It again feels good after two heavy days of running. My goal for today is to mop around the area rugs and maybe dust. I do need to unpack well repack the suitcase with clean clothes so when we want to leave again it is ready. That is what we do these days. It works nice. We started eating lunch on the porch only the rain came and the roof is not fully up yet so we came back in. It is what it is. In the quietness my heart wants to grieve. I start asking God to help me move past the grief and in short order I am onto other thoughts. I think about our walk and how muddy the kids got as they walked over to a mud hole and laid down in it. Junior thinks it was a way to invite the fleas to leave their bodies. It sounds good to me. Little Sister and I have been talking on the phone again. I think we are able to connect because we both are on anti-depressants. Our lives have been crazy with dysfunction and we drove each other to the edge again after we moved here. My porch time has been increasing and I do love it. I love the views from up there. I love the quiet out of the way place it is. I love watching it continue to take shape and long for the day when this project will be done with. Until I started sitting on the porch I did not realize how much I missed my outside time. Now that I have it again I cherish each visit. I again marvel at God leading us to this house, to these woods and mountains. It is so us. The work in the kitchen has ground to a halt. That is my guy. He does that. I’ve learned to accept this quirk in his nature. I do understand that sometimes his back tends to pick out his projects and at times I just want one project done before another starts. It is not going to happen so I learn to live with this man’s way of working. In the end things come together very nicely. That helps as well. I do see some finished products and it helps me to know that one day all will be in order. I haven’t worked on the quilt in a day or so and I long to get back to that. I can’t find the straight pins I bought and it is making me crazy. I’ve also somehow lost my cane. How do I do this? It is annoying and I once more learn to accept these new quirks in my personality. If I did not I would begin to hate myself and it won’t change so I accept myself as I am. Today when we went for our walk I found a long sturdy branch and used that to help me navigate my steps. It worked and I am sure my cane will show up soon. When we got back from going to the end of the road and back I am not as winded as I was a week ago. That feels nice. So I am walking, at night I use my arm weights as I watch TV. That feels good. I don’t use my cane much in the house. I leave it sit and I make my way around slowly, sometimes grabbing onto what is beside me if I need it. Night time lately I need to use the wall or bed as I go into the bathroom. For some reason I am real dizzy. Junior seems a little more tired than usual. He got up from his nap to use the bathroom and he has been down again for a spell. We both have learned to work when we can and sit when we can’t. Our home is moving forward both in the renovating and the cleaning of it. I may be anxious for Junior to make quicker progress but I also know he is going as fast as he is able and I don’t want to frustrate him so I learn to be quiet. If I struggle a whole lot I then take it to God who usually helps me move past the frustration. In the end our house is comfortable and it is nice. I like realizing that we have melded our styles of housekeeping. I must say it feels good. I’d like to be a spotless clean person. Junior likes clutter. We have met each other in the middle and frankly it feels real nice. If something is getting too close to hoarding, I let him know and he has been good at cleaning it up. We both have that line that it is too much to deal with. We respect that in the other one and so we have reached a compromise. Again it works real nice. Our financial situation is not fully settled yet but progress is being made. I again took my fear to God and somewhere deep inside of me I know we will be ok. I no longer panic and frankly that feels real nice. I love seeing that Junior and I are not clones of each other. We tend to have a lot in common and we have our differences as well. The nice thing is we tend to try to meet each other in the middle and frankly when we do that it feels real nice. Are you the type that wants your mate made into your perfect image? Is it time to let them be who they are and let you be who you are? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 5, 2013 Greetings My Friend, We’ve been to Johnson City TN twice in the last two weeks. It is a 3 hour drive from our house and when we need to see specialists that is where they tend to be. My Doctor wanted me to see a surgeon about my birth defect so I could understand what is going on within my body. The surgeon wanted me to have a 2nd MRI done so he could see more clearly the defect. I went and had it done this week. The first week we went the wrong date. It happens as we get older. We seem to not keep track of things like we once did. We can get mad or accept this quirk in our personalities. I choose to accept this quirk and move on. We make more lists than we have done in the past and that too is ok. I now have to go back for an x-ray on my neck. He now thinks that the brain stem is not inside of the vertebrae but crowded around the vertebrae. He also seems to think I am at the limit of my struggle for the most part. I will need a cane for the rest of my life, I can handle that. It does not appear that I will continue to decline at least not dramatically. So I move forward into life. The day after we got back I had to go back to the dentist to have my new crown put in. It looks pretty good and hopefully no more crowns on the front of my mouth for many years. It is trying to say the least. That is a very sensitive area of the mouth to work on and very trying to be a brave woman. Junior also went for a physical and we have several more appointments lined up for him. Oh joy. I think our job in old age is to visit doctors. That is how I feel at times. Still the appointments help us stay on top of our health and I’d like to be as active as I can be in my older years so we will continue on with the appointments. I firmly believe that if we stay on top of our health we will live more comfortably and catch things before they get way out of control. The new deck is slowly getting a roof put up. That is real nice. J has also started putting insulation on the underneath boards to the porch where we have enclosed it. This helps Junior not wrack his back up and I am thankful for this young man’s help. J has become our driver as well. He got his license this year and now we let him drive us around town. He likes to do that and we don’t mind. It is a win win situation. We also have picked up a cheap sewing machine. My quilt is progressing and I am excited to have one more thing to fill my days with. Yup I feel like I am there finally. I clean, I cook, I walk, I do prayer time and read my Bible and life could not be sweeter. My days are full and it feels awesome. I have finally accepted the fact that this body can’t move as quickly and as long as it once did. I have learned how to work within my limitations and yup that feels nice too. I love cross stitch but threading the needle is a challenge. Until the cataracts are dealt with this is another struggle I must deal with. Junior has picked up something that should help me thread the needle so I am anxious to try that out as well. The Doctor wants Junior to go to a skin doctor to check on a spot he had removed last fall by our MI doctor. That makes me feel good so now all of the doctors we see are in VA. We will go to MI once or twice a year going forward till that will be too hard on us. I like the idea that we may soon start heading out for some overnight visits around the south and explore more. As I sit here and rest a moment I find a quiet contentment fill me. I once more fall in love with this new home, our boring life. We do not need drama for the sake of drama. I like that a whole bunch. Junior feels real good all the way down inside of me. We are friends, we tend to have the same goals and no we are not so in tune with each other that there are no differences between us. We have them for sure! Still we tend to accept the quirks we each have and we enjoy each other. There is a huge comfort that Junior is beside me as I figure out my struggles. He rejoices with me when I’ve overcome a hurdle and I tend to enjoy the fruits of his labors. The home he is building us is awesome. It will fit our needs as we continue to get older. That is an awesome feeling as well. My TV time is getting shorter and I am happy about that as well. I come in many nights now an hour or two later to start the evening TV watching. I like being a student at my own pace so the learning new things are fun and life is sweet. As I left my former marriage I began talking to God fairly much on a daily basis. I now think that being in a relationship with God is much like any relationship we may enter into. If it is going to work you need to talk to each other frequently. The more I learn to talk to God frequently the more I hear His directions. My life continues to have peace and even though it is not going how I imagined it would, I find I have peace. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

August 3, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Again I stop and remember. My daughter is turning 39 and I truly don’t feel old enough to have a daughter that age. Our re-connecting moment only lasted for a moment so I go on in life living life in the Lord and finding peace in that. Today has started off like many days…..wake up on FB, read the Bible, go for a walk and now I am on the deck soaking up all that surrounds me. I find peace seeping deep into my inner being. These days my walks last for a half hour and I am still winded when I get back but it does feel good. B is here and has made pancakes for us for breakfast…..yup they are good. We went to the Dollar store last night to find some pins to pin the quilt together I am attempting. I don’t know how to quilt but I cut out Junior’s tee shirts and peace them together and find an old sheet of his for the back and I must say I am excited. I won’t have a fancy quilt but it will be a reminder of our life together. That is ok with me. I found a camouflage tee shirt and have decided that it would be good filler and a reminder of Junior’s love of the military. Then there is the tee shirt of him with the grandson and I see this one more or less in the middle of the quilt. I love thinking through my project. I am starting to fill my porch time up with projects like writing a blog, writing in my journal/journals and studying the Scriptures. As life continues to settle I find more peace welling up inside of me. I find the saying “it is what it Is” playing out more in my life and being content regardless of the craziness that wants to burst through., My 5:00 TV time is now turning into 6:00 or later. That feels nice. Slowly I am working myself out of all the TV watching that has filled my days of recent years. That feels wonderful. With the quilt project I have added to my outside time and yup it feels awesome. I also go in for bits to do some sort of housework and I love that as well. The house begins to take shape slowly and it feels nice. I stop writing for a moment and hear a bird or two calling to another. I look around and marvel at the greenery everywhere. The deck is a mess and it is hard for me to process. It is who Junior is through and through the years I’ve learned it will stay messy for a while and all of a sudden it will clean up. I continue to learn to let Junior be Junior and then I am not as frustrated. Anger is not where I reside these days. If it does come it also seems to leave fairly quickly and it feels good. I take a bite of pancake and for some reason it feels good. I do a general remember of this food and enjoy the thoughts that flood my brain. I hear a drill go off and realize that Junior is outside again working on some project. Now I hear the saw. My guy is in the midst of doing work he loves. Again I sense he does a lot of it for me. It feels ever so wonderful. Junior picked out some new towels to hang on the rack on the bathroom door. I had more light colors and he has darker colors. He likes the dark colors of life and me I prefer the light colors. We do have our differences and I often am amazed when they show themselves. We tend to be in sync with each other more often than not and then on occasion I find we do have our differences. I also liked him picking out the towels and bringing them home. I felt like Junior has his input as to how our home looks as much as I do. He climbs up the ladder by the deck and visits me. It is cute. I could see me spending the rest of my days with him even if no one else in the world likes us. We are so content with each other. I learn that I need to quit worrying about what others think and keep my heart on God. If I do I find a peace beyond all understanding and that life is good. I look over and see Junior hanging a piece of lattice up to secure the deck so people don’t fall off (or cats). I love him working. He is all involved in his project and doesn’t seem to notice me here. I know he knows I am here but he is busy with his project and thinking through each step. That is something I have loved doing I love watching Junior think. I can almost walk inside his brain as he begins piecing a project together. Sometimes I even see his eyes moving around as he thinks of the next step. He is involved into today’s project. I am working through my day and it is precious to me. Tonight we will sit side by side in our recliners and watch the News, evening programs and the like. We will talk and be content with each other. That is another precious moment. I am a woman who loves a lot of attention. Junior is learning though that I do like my alone time. I like going in different directions only to come together and share our day. I marvel that I don’t miss working at a job outside the home. I loved it for a long time but now the quieter pace feels extra nice. I am thrilled that Junior and I have years as a retired couple already and prayerfully many more years. Our goal is to be married 50 years. I asked Junior when we married if we could be together for 25 since my previous marriage ended at 24 ½ years. Junior said “let’s go for 50” and that is our goal. God willing. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet