August 26, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am home from volunteering at the church….it is trying to rain AGAIN! We leave in the morning to the other side of the state so we can watch the granddaughter play softball in a travel league and to be honest I am as excited as I can get. This is the first game I will go to since she joined the league. I will get to see her in action and that excites me to no end. Little brother will be there so we can occupy him if he gets bored and I am sure he will. Each encounter makes me hopeful that we may finally move past the anger of what went on in that marriage. Sometimes I feel like the kids will never move past the past. Every once in a while I sense a moment of forgiveness and then I feel hopeful yet again. I have given up beating myself up for allowing the abuse, for the anger that could flame up at a moment’s notice and I even forgive myself. I feel God’s forgiveness and frankly there is no way I can make up for went wrong. I try to live now and accept that what went wrong went wrong. I have felt God tell me that “He has forgiven me” and at that point I find myself letting go. At this point my goal in life is to live, give all I have to God. In God I find wholeness, acceptance and I try to move forward instead of beating myself up. When I hurt and feel alone I again find that God is right there beside me. Junior loves me, I marvel that this man still loves me and wants me. We have friends who care deeply and frankly that feels nice. Our pets seem to think that we are the best and that feels good as well. If I like myself then I am not putting myself in harm’s way and yup that too feels good. I continue to learn to give Agape love, seek another’s highest good. When I take the focus off of “me” I find I don’t live in constant pain and I even enjoy life. I love rooting for another person to work through a difficult struggle. I still find those moments where I have private conversations about the past. Those come late at night and at that point I begin talking to God. God will tell me I am a “good” person even though I am filled with sin. The more I see “good” in me the more I want to live right. God helps me let go of the “wrong” that has gone on in my life. God forgives our sins as far as the east is from the west. I have learned that the east and west will never meet. If I am forgiven then I find I need to live in the “now.” I learn to quit making to the same mistakes and make better choices. That feels good as well. This time around there is no anger in my life. With prayer and counseling I have learned that anger does not have to rule my life. I am able to reach out and love like I am loved and that feels good. Sometimes I feel sad because certain people don’t love me and then God reminds me that I matter. God reminds me to begin a new and as I begin a new…..life seems to have direction and purpose and it feels fairly awesome. God is taking me past the point of hurt as well. As long as I stayed in MI I tried to make amends that did not seem to work. In moving I am learning to love where I am at and to accept life as it is, not the dream of what I wanted so long ago. God talked us into moving to VA and frankly I wake amazed almost daily. The house we are in is perfect for us as we continue to get older. We have pets that love us and watch out for us. We have friends and they like us as we are and frankly that feels nice. As I grow older I am accepting my limitations as well. I have finally learned that the day of spending a few hours and getting a major chore done are gone. These days I work on the house fairly much daily in small segments and it stays comfortably clean. So I am content in whom I am these days. That feels fairly nice to tell you the truth. As the renovating comes to an end I am excited as well. Soon in a year or so I will have a bathtub, I love the deck and the peace that settles over me. I love moving slower. It has been hard getting used to the slower movement in life but I have finally learned to live in slowness. The longer Junior loves on me the more content and safe I feel. I continue to ask God to teach me to be what Junior needs and that too feels wonderful. Life these days is not about “Janet” but about loving others as God loves me and life seems to feel even more precious. Those late night conversations come less frequently these days. When I am in the midst of such a conversation I begin asking God to help me move past the conversation and in short order I am thinking about what I do have instead of what I don’t have. As I accept life where I am I sometimes am given another chance to connect with my children and at that point I sense we may truly move forward. God has taught me to let go and as I let go God can do his healing in His time and it works out perfect. The more I continue on in this faith journey the more I find myself getting lost in the Lord. The more lost in the Lord I get I find contentment and life is truly sweet! May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet