August 17 2013

August 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend Today is Sunday and I am once more out on the deck waiting for Junior to make us lunch. He is nice that way he tends to make lunch for us on Sundays and I feel like I’ve been given a break. We usually have some sort of pasta and I am in carb heaven. My wants and desires are not what they once were. I find life truly is not much about me at all and you know what? It feels good. Janet of yesteryear loved to make everything about Janet. I liked being the center of my own universe. Today though in Jesus I like Agape Love as my role models to live. Agape love is when you seek another’s highest good. For me reading my Bible fairly much daily and praying fairly much daily is changing my life. I am starting to want things God wants and desires. I am starting to make these things my wants and desires, not to be a “yes” person to God but because I truly want these things. The more I seek another’s highest good the more peace and content I feel. Once more God’s ways seem strange but in the end I want what God wants and it truly feels wonderful. My life focus is not “me” anymore. I don’t spend every waking moment in some sort of service as well. I’d like to but I can’t. This has been hard. I love to volunteer, to be involved with people and frankly I can’t be that woman anymore and at times I miss it so much. I am learning how to be quiet. It is strange to me. I like action and movement. That is what moves me. I must say that I am learning to love to spend days at home doing mundane things. I never thought that I could be into that type of lifestyle and frankly I love it. Right now I am on the deck writing outside and I listen to birds chatter, feel a slight breeze and soak up the quiet of nature. I truly think I’ve started making a lot of forward movement with the addition of this deck and it is incredible. I was talking to B last night on the phone. She found herself sitting on her porch more and she is journaling. She said she has not felt this kind of peace ever. I’m not surprised. I can’t say why but it is calming and I love it beyond words. I am also settling into more routines out here on the porch. I may go in to use the bathroom, make lunch and generally I will find something to pick up, clean and the like. Our house is looking more and more put together. I am learning that jobs are not done in a few hour time span anymore but in small doses and it feels real nice. I am also getting into crafting more and I love that as well. I knew that I knew that I would see the other side to my depression and fairly much daily I find myself content and not depressed now. It has been a long road and now life is truly beginning. In my conversations with Junior I have also made other decisions. When I first retired I was not sure how I would dress most days. I kept my work clothes and a year after I retired I got rid of most of them. Then I started wearing pants each Sunday and found myself giving my dresses away. I wear crocks and sandals for the most part and love it. I don’t seem to get all excited about shoes like I used to and it feels ok. This past week or so I have decided that the tee shirts with a Christian message in bold coloring and wording is not my thing and I like the tee shirts that have a cross on it with no words and is real girly. I want my message to be out there but I don’t need a lot of words to get my message across. It feels good. I wear Christian jewelry like ear rings, necklace and bracelets. I don’t wear these to shout to the world I wear them to remind me I am on a faith journey. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of a piece of my jewelry and it makes me stop and think about Jesus. It is my way of staying on track in my faith. My hair covers up my ear rings for the most part. My necklace is worn on the inside of my shirt so the only thing that is constantly out is my bracelet. Again I wear jewelry to remind me of the commitment I made. The daily reminders help me to stay on track and I like that feeling. I also am finding that I tend to have my self-worth wrapped up in the Lord. I am not constantly seeking people’s value of me. God has been revealing some of my past to me and I asked Junior what could it mean. I have been understanding a quirk in my nature and wondered what to do with what I saw. For me if a person wants me to change, to listen they must do so in a gentle way. If they come across with an attitude or even physically I find I will not do it just to show them that I don’t have to. I have been embarrassed about this personality quirk. Junior mentioned that God may be showing this to me not to punish me but to tell me that He wants me to keep up with this trait. By doing this I don’t automatically go with the flow. I have a tendency to believe others know more than me and want to change to fit them. It is not always good. I try very hard to listen to God, to keep God as my center point. It is hard when someone is not happy with me and I begin trying to change myself just for them. I am getting more and more comfortable with checking out things with God first and frankly life could not be sweeter. The more I go to prayer, read my Bible do a Bible study or two the more I find myself in tune with God and His perfect ways. I love to study and I am entering into another phase of studying more. I love it to be frank. I may be getting older, forgetful, slower and the like but I still find I can grow and it feels rather nice. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet