October 31 2015

October 31 2015 Greetings My Friend I am getting ready to move into my day. One of the first thoughts I have is what can I make for lunch and soup comes to mind. While thinking about what kind of homemade soup I will make I find myself reflecting on one of my favorite stories “Stone Soup.” One day a poor man decides to throw some stones into a pan of water and places it on the fire. Soon people stop by and see the pan on the fire, they ask “What are you making?” He replies “stone soup.” Afterward they go off and come back with potatoes, vegetables, meat and spices to add to the stones and water. In the end soup is made for all to eat. More often than not this story runs through my mind each time I make soup. I think things like “a little feeds many, someone grew the vegetables, another grew the herbs and still another tended the cattle. I see how God brings others into our lives some to provide food for the stomach. I also see how special people appeared in my life when I was in need. Other times I see where the food I had also provided for others. I also see that the pot of soup is soon gone and once more I am thinking of making another pot of soup. Feeding our bodies is a daily requirement to be healthy and slowly I see that God is also the bread of life. For the longest time I associated “bread of life” with food for the body and I truly saw the need. What it took forever to grasp is that we also need to fill our “spirits”. In my younger years I felt there were many ways to find inner peace. God was always at the back of my mind but I felt we could get to Him through various ways. I was big on the Eastern religions and honestly I would sit in church thinking cleansing type thoughts. I wandered for an hour all over in my mind and I felt I had given God my worship. Later when I did not find the peace I so desperately wanted with all these “positive” ideas I found myself at rock bottom. In the pit of despair I finally began talking to God with my heart and my pain and my fear. For the first time I started “hearing” God. I was challenged to read my Bible and I was afraid that it was too deep for me. I started reading it anyway. I learned to pray “Open my eyes and heart to You and grow me to look like Jesus.” Slowly as I read day in and day out passages seemed to jump out at me. reading the Bible all the way through one year I saw God’s love for us even in the OT. I saw God teaching tiny step by tiny step. I saw His people time and again fall off the wagon so to speak and after a period of correction God was teaching, loving and leading. I have a deep love for King David. He loved God so much and God kept growing David’s faith in His provision. Then one day King David sinned big time. He saw a woman bathing on a rooftop, called for her, slept with her and sent her off. She informed him that she was pregnant. Her husband was in David’s service and eventually had her husband killed. He then took this woman as his wife. God sent Nathan the prophet to David to let David know God knew what he did. I see David repenting deeply. He knew what he did was wrong, he admitted it from his heart. David paid a great price for his sin, he lost the child. Later God gave Bathsheba another baby and one day he was to take his father’s place. I learn that we all will fall and if we are sincere in our repenting God is faithful and just and will forgive us. We can’t keep doing what we once did and we can be forgiven through Jesus. I think the original stone soup was “God loving us so much that He sent his only son that whoever believes in Him shall not die but have everlasting life.” I hear again “Go forth baptizing all nations in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.” May God bless you and you make His face shine on you. Love Jane

October 29 2015

October 29 2015 Greetings My Friend Sometimes I struggle to get to sleep. One of the things I do that helps more often than not is to start thanking God one by one for small things like toothpaste and go from there like clothes to wear for me I marvel I have clothes for the cold and the warmer months. I also have shoes to wear for each season. Next I realize that I have food to eat throughout the day. Even in lean times there has been food available to me. As I think of a full belly I realize that I have always had a home to live in, heat in the winter, air conditioning in the summer. The more I think about a place to live in I find myself marveling at the structure of the house and the protection I have from the elements, wild animals, a safe place to go to when the world seems crazy to me. The more I see my home as a haven I realize I have had the income I needed to support the home, utilities to run the home, a bed to sleep in and furniture to sit on. Many times I am soon sound asleep. Even in my sleep I find that I am thankful. I have done this thankful journey when I wake up with nightmares. For a good portion of my life I would wake up reliving some sort of abuse done to me. Fear gripped me and it was hard to shake it off. After my divorce as I was learning to pray I stumbled across the thankful prayer journey. I must say my nightmares today are far and few between. My thankful journeys point to all the times God has been there for me. I have my basic needs met along with those fearful moments where He has come alongside of me. The more I remember through being thankful the more I realize God will be with me with the next struggle I encounter. With the current struggle of declining physical abilities I found myself anxious. People were pointing out my anxiousness even though I did not realize it. My doctor heard my anxious words and prescribed a stronger medication for anxiety. Now a few weeks later the anxiousness is fairly much gone and in its place is hope. Today I bent over picked Daisy up and started walking around the room with her instead of the walker. The more my anxiety has left me the more I find myself testing the waters so to speak like walking with Daisy in my arms and no walker. Each day I find myself working at getting stronger physically again. I don’t know if I will be walker free for the most part but each time I gain a bit more control life is not so scary, I sense I have more living to do. I also hear God say “ go forth Janet.” I can still go for presenting my struggles for God’s glory. I can give the hope that I have in Jesus. As much as speaking of God’s greatness I am learning that sometimes the best lesson is the one that is seen and not spoken. I learn to keep trying even if giving up seems easier. It is not over until it is over. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 27 2015

October 27 2015 Greetings My Friend With the propane heaters in place it comes to me to make a mantle over them that will look like a fireplace. Dressing up the plain heater sounds like fun to me. Right now Junior is stacking cinder blocks on the sides of the heater. Once he finds a way to make them stable he will put a piece of tin and then a piece of old wood across the blocks. The mantle will give the room a warm friendly look. With the heaters there is a fire so even that will look nice although it is a uniform line of fire unlike real wood burning. There is something about a fire that can be warm and inviting on a cold winter’s day. As summer’s heat wanes and the cool days of fall appear I find myself thinking of ways to stay warm. All summer my thought was to figure out how to cool off. With my returning energy I brought my craft supplies into the TV room. We have some old crates set upright under the TV. I used the open spaces to put my craft supplies in baskets and now I will be able to craft in the TV room. The TV room is where Junior and I spend most of our time. We don’t usually watch much TV until later in the afternoon and then on into the evening. We tend to move to this room as we want to rest or to have a chat. We haven’t had a kitchen table to use in a few years so we eat in the TV room. As Junior tears down the kitchen/enclosed porch wall opening up the kitchen there will be a wall of windows. These windows are where I want our table to face when we eat, cook and such. There is something mesmerizing about looking out the windows to the woods on our property. I hope to eat our meals at the table again. I keep finding soothing places for us within our home. Both of us have PTSD which means for us we need peaceful settings to stay calm in. Until we moved to VA I have always served meals at the table. I felt the need to come together for a meal without a lot of interruptions. It is a time to focus on the others who are sharing a meal. I am longing to go back to this custom with Junior. Our move to VA seems to fill a need that I had, a need I did not realize I needed. Both Junior and I need peaceful setting to quiet our minds from the troubles of the past. We have 9 acres of land and our nearest neighbor is about ¼ of mile from our home. I remember wondering about all the dogs and cats that found their way to us. As the years go by I sense that God has sent us a fur family to love on. They bring a fullness to our lives and in a way they are the children we will never have together. Junior is a good Dad because he disciplines them. I nurture them and life is sweet with our children. They have a way of helping us to focus on them and less on the hurts of our past. I sense God’s peace as we strive to live with memories that try to plague us. I know now that our call to VA has been a place to heal and to find the work God has for us to do. I write, Junior renovates and often times we are reaching back into our community giving a helping hand to others who are in need. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 24 2015

October 24 2015 Greetings My Friend Our faith journey is a long winding journey. I keep pointing a friend back to Jesus. I hear him tell me he is talking to God. I pray constantly to God asking me to direct this young man. I want to tell him to do things a certain way, ways that work for me. The thing is my ways may not be what speaks to him. I go back to the analogy that I am a seed planter and someone else may water the Word in his life. In the end God will be the one who will make the connection. As he struggles to understand things he buried long ago and have now cropped up again in his life I need to realize that part of the process is dealing with old issues no matter how unpleasant. A divorce brought all of the pain of the past out in the open and he is struggling to let go again. God taught me to remember. I began my remember journey with a few forays into past hurts. I needed to acknowledge them to understand that I had a part in the hurt done to me as well. I recall recounting a few painful incidents to God and crying. One day I heard God tell me to pray for this person and not ask for revenge. It was so hard to be honest because I had been wronged in a grievous way. About the only way I could pray for this person was lift up his name and move on. There were times I cried as I mentioned his name. Those times I could feel God holding me tenderly. I felt like He put me on his huge lap and patted me. I sensed He was crying for my hurt too. Slowly I felt the hurt leave me. I felt God giving me a final pat and then telling me to get up and go and do. For me I needed to be heard. In the world people told me it was in my mind, that those things did not really happen along with few other things denying that my feelings were real. When I finally felt heard I slowly was able to let go of pain and enter into life again. My abuser kept finding ways to stay involved in my life which meant I often was going back to hurt. It was hard to leave the past in the past when in life I was made to be the problem over and over. After years of trying with counseling and praying God laid it on my heart to ask my doctor for medicine that would help me. I worried this to death then I took the medicine and at this point I could finally put the past back in the past. As I looked back at this whole process I saw that years had gone by where I would move forward to fall backwards again. As I walk with this young man today I need to realize that his journey is not a quick fix and it may take him years to find the healing he desperately needs. I want his hurt to go away yesterday but in reality it will take time. He tells me he is praying and I find some comfort. I realize that I will need to keep pointing him back to the one great healer, Jesus. Today as I look back on our conversation I understand that God will never go against His Word. My next step is to bring up the need to follow God through the Bible. The Holy Spirit often impresses certain passages on my heart. Those are the passages I find myself referring to as I struggle. The first part of my journey was learning to remember the times God was there and not the pain. Each time God walked me away from trouble I needed to remember those moments. Slowly I was learning that remembering God’s healing in my life and I was letting go of past hurt. God taught me to be thankful and as I thanked God for more and more I kept finding a wholeness and the bitterness of pain did not rear itself as often. I am reminded again that we enter a journey that will last a lifetime when we ask Jesus into our hearts. God is not a God of quick fixes but of ever lasting changes. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 22 2015

October 22 2015 Greetings My Friend The sound of hammering and sawing drift into my ears as I sit in my chair this morning. The sounds are sweet to my ears. I am grateful for the gentleman that stopped by and asked Junior if he could use some of his handyman skills with the house. He is working on the roof to the deck that Junior could not figure out how to get the pitch just right. Next Junior wants to see if he will install a door to the deck. These are little jobs but they are ones Junior struggles with to get right so the help is appreciated. While the handyman is on the roof I hear Junior out front using his electric drill. He is drifting to the porch and back to the kitchen and I find this sweet as well. I am writing, studying the Bible and doing my morning quiet time. The rhythm of life is sweet. I find myself grateful for this little mundane moment. It has been 4 weeks now since I last saw the doctor and she put me on stronger medications. I don’t seem to nap as much and I am feeling stronger not so weak with rubber like legs. I am not as winded either. I find I can move about a bit without my walker. I still find feel off balance as I walk on my own steam so I may attempt to get around in the house without the walker but I am not sure I can move around outside of the house without it as of yet anyway. The more I come back to having a decent energy level and strength I find joy that my downward decline is not nearly as far as I was heading. I still am not sure I will be back to my old new normal but I now feel like life is full again and I can do much. While we ran for a couple of days I stopped at a hobby store to start working on another hobby I have wanted to try for some time now. I got the supplies and I hope to start doing this along with figuring out the bobbin on the sewing machine so I can work on the quilt I started awhile back. Having a couple of hobbies that I can sit and do also gives me hope. Now when I can’t be physical I can be active sitting. Creating is fun too. It seems like God allows me to decline in health and then holds my hand as I learn to live within the limitations that declining health means to me. I find overall that I am grateful because I continue to learn to trust God and to lean on Him. I find I have an inner strength that I did not know I had. Of course this inner strength is not my own but God’s loving hand walking me through the things I need to learn which in turn amazes me as I find myself overcoming or dealing with obstacles. At the end of the day I love life even if I am not what I was at one time in my life. God has opened my heart to Him and He has taught me to be content. I am enabler by nature and I keep seeing that God is teaching me to not enable others as much as “able” them. There is a difference and today I see that difference. God wants me to reach out to the poor, the lost and the lonely. He does not want me to give until I run out of steam but wants me to give in ways that make other capable of doing on their own. Sometimes it means I help for a bit and then move on allowing them to learn to lean on God. It seems I hear Him teaching me to “open the door” and then let Him do the work. My friend Michele saw me years ago right after my divorce. She watched me as I began a serious faith journey and in time she reached out to me to help her out of the abuse she was going through. We went to Celebrate Recovery together, we both found ourselves growing. God called Junior and I to move and Michele continued her CR journey. Today she has a group of healthy friends and she is not getting involved with unhealthy relationships. I opened the door and God walked with Michele after He sent me away. He also has opened new doors for me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 20 2915

October 20 1015 Greetings My Friend I marvel again this morning as I look out the window. A hummingbird stops by for a drink from the feeder. Once in awhile I see 2nd birds but that’s it. The other birds have been gone since the end of September. We are continuing to keep the water in the feeder fresh for these stragglers and I marvel each day when I see them again. Being the worry wart I can be I wonder if there is something wrong and that is why he has not left. I wonder how long they can last in the winter in our area. Now there are flowers they can get nectar from but….and that but scares me. After I stop the worrying I think that this bird is going against the norm. Junior thinks he will fly away at the right time and be okay. This bird reminds me that we too as humans have moments when we run in a different direction than the norm. Many believers in Jesus tend to find that they are not the same as the “norm” as we strive to walk down a different path. My health issues can make me feel different too. I was out with my walker yesterday and I was surprised at the helpful people that wanted to open a door or make a path way. I was touched by their generosity. It was a new awakening for me. We stopped to eat at a restaurant, the server that seated us seemed to have an attitude. For me it was easy to think that it was due to the walker I made things difficult and she did not appreciate our being there. She may have been someone who tended to be cranky in general but for me I wondered if it was because I was inconvenient. As a follower of Jesus I make the decision to walk a different path and I understand that the way I walk is my choice. It is hard at times, God usually helps me to work out the discomfort and go the way He is directing me. As a person with disabilities that is not a choice I made but one I live with. Overall we have come a long way from the days where people did not want to see the disabled in public because they were hard to “look” at. Dad comes to mind. After he learned to walk again after polio he looked strange. He often was mistaken for a drunk. Dad was using his back muscles to balance himself and propel him forward. His one leg did not always respond well. In fact when he wanted to cross his legs he would have to lift the leg to place it on top of the other. One time at a shopping center he tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and fell down. He struggled to upright himself and a crowd of people stood there staring and making comments about the drunk who could not get up. Dad wasn’t drunk, he was disabled and the others did not understand or even offer to help him get up. He managed to upright himself and go on his way. The people with an invisible illness get a lot of flack today. Many think we make up our illness, we look lazy to others. The fact is getting out of bed and functioning day to day can be a huge challenge. We may not need a walker, a wheelchair or carry an oxygen tank with us but we still need handicapped parking just the same. On days where I feel so weak I need to get back to the car quickly I may have been perceived as taking a handicapped spot I don’t appear to need. We all have our struggles that no one else sees and it helps if we don’t have to defend ourselves just because we are sick but don’t look sick. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 17 2015

October 17 2015 Greetings My Friend “Be still and know that I am God.” God speaks this to my spirit again today. I am wanting to rush my morning routine so I can do some housework. We have no place to go but I am ready to finish my quiet time and begin my work. I have had my run through Facebook, even a couple of times. I have looked at my emails and wandered around Hometalk seeing various projects that look tempting and then quietly I entered into Bible study time. Afterward I felt a bit sleepy so I laid back in my chair with my neck pillow inviting me to sleep a bit. I started chattering to God about nothing in particular. In the midst of the inane chatter I remember feeling thankful so I thank God for various things like a bed to sleep in, a neck pillow to cradle my neck. Between the chatter and saying thankful I slowly focus on my needs and want again. I marvel that when my needs are met my wants seem so trivial. I find my wanting the best house, car, jewelry to wane in my day to day desires. I marvel again that each time I need to eat that food is available. Soon I find that I am waking up again. Now I am not in such a hurry to get up and start working around the house. My mind wants to work in a quiet job so I begin to write. As I write I take breaks to look out the window and notice how the leaves are turning colors. I am content in the fall weather today warm and tomorrow not as warm one day at a time the summer’s heat leaves. Daisy needs to be let out. All the other dogs use the doggy door, she insists that I let her out. By doing this through the last few years I have had to focus on her and her needs and for a moment anyway I am not dwelling on my struggles. I have started moving more in order to care for her and I am so thankful she is in my life. I needed Daisy to help me refocus my life and at the right time she came along. She is my buddy as I wander around the house at first in my arm and now on the seat to my walker. Junior walks in and Daisy gets fussy barking. She is protecting me and I love that too. She can’t see very well these days and I don’t think her sense of smell is all that great either since she never seems to recognize Junior as he wanders in and out all day. He speaks to her as he comes in and shortly she quiets down. At this point I marvel on a need I had and a need God met. The more I am thankful and the more I learn the difference between wants and needs the more I begin to see the difference. Four years ago I fell and broke my vertebrae. At that point the doctor’s discovered my birth defect Chiari Malformation. They gave me little information on the birth defect so I found a couple online support groups. I continue to understand more so what is going on with my disability. As I think through what I happening now I find myself talking to God seeking His guidance as to where I need to go for help. We have had many back and forths and slowly I am seeing that I should allow the doctor’s to rule out the things they think it may be. Right now my doctor has me taking a stronger anti anxiety medication to help with anxiety and to help with the shaking. She has prescribed a stronger inhaler to help me with the windedness. They are helping me a little and I will go back in a few weeks to see the next steps she thinks is best. At first I was all over the place trying to insist they look into CM more. Today I am comfortable with all the rule it out steps. In God’s time not mine I will learn what He wants me to do. In the meantime I will let the doctor’s poke and prod. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 15 2015

October 15 2015 Greetings My Friend I attempt to make a daily choice to follow God. One of the ways I have been able to stay focused is repetition. The consistent repeating helps me to stay focused and move forward. I am sure a lot of this is my ADHD tendencies. Through the years I have learned that people with ADHD tend to focus in on something to the point of driving others crazy. It seems they heard it once and that was enough about 15 times ago. For me though unless I keep repeating I will soon forget the path I chose to follow. Our re-married ministries taught us that we need to make a daily commitment to fall in love with our spouse. I believe this was the start of purposely repeating. For me as I entered into a deeper faith I chose to focus on the cross daily and in depth. In my prayers I attempted to follow Jesus during His final hours, His death and His resurrection. The more I was able to walk down that path the more I was able to understand God’s love for us. My first forays were tentative. I hated seeing Jesus’ suffering and wondered why God would allow this. At first I saw only the nails pounded into His flesh. That was awful enough but as time went on I saw more suffering. I began to see the ugliness of sin and the pain it causes God the Father. I saw His desire for us to choose His way not our own selfishness. I saw how cruel we as humans truly are. Later I started to focus in on Jesus before the soldiers came, before the beatings when He was in the garden praying. I heard again “If it be Your will, take this cup of suffering from me. Not my will but Your will.” Slowly I learned that God equips us to deal with all kinds of strife and fear. I hear Jesus pray not once but 3 times. I asked God “why?” Slowly I saw that I needed to understand that I am afraid. I learned that God equips me to deal with the fear. For Jesus God sent angels to comfort Him. At first I thought the word “comfort” did not tell me enough. As I kept going back to the angels comforting Jesus God opened my eyes to the fact that Jesus got up from those prayers and entered into the awfulness of crucifixion. He kept quiet, He encouraged us even in great pain and anguish. Slowly I started to see that God did not spare His Son such deep pain. God equipped Him though. As I prayed year in and year out I started to see where God was equipping me to move out of abuse and anger into forgiving and true loving. I did not know love true everlasting love until I felt God’s love for me. The more I felt God’s love the more I started to reach out with love for others, even those that are hard to love. When I felt beat up I found myself once more entering into God’s presence. Just as He taught me to name my sin I found God teaching me to lift up those I struggle to love. The more I lifted up a name the more I learned to let go of the hurt and let God deal with me and with them. I am ever grateful for the lesson of the cross even in its horror. It is at the cross I met God’s deep love for me for all of us. Today I may not go into detail in my prayer but I strive to thank Jesus for His life, death and resurrection. I see the awesome gift of salvation in one person Jesus. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 13 2015

October 13 2015 Greetings My Friend If you would have asked me how much I like fall a few years ago I would not have said I enjoy it. Recently I heard that fall and spring were someone’s favorite times of the year and I am starting to enjoy fall in a new way. For many years fall just reminded me of winter and winter meant cold harshness in my thinking. Living in Virginia is slowly changing my attitude about winter. We still get some heavy snow and deep cold but it is different down here. Most snows melt before the next snow fall and for the most part the extreme cold is at night. With the snow melting quickly I find the days of being house bound or driving in the snow to be tolerable. Being retired means I can choose to go out or not when the weather is distasteful and slowly I find myself enjoying fall as much as I do spring and summer. Even the heat of summer wears on me anymore although when it is too hot or humid I can sit indoors with the air conditioning like I do in winter’s bitterness with heat. Summer is green in our neck of the woods and I love the pretty flowers, birds and butterflies. That makes staying inside okay. For a while now I have felt that the rhythm of the seasons parallel life in general. I usually see new life each spring like I see a newborn. Everything is fresh and new and exciting, changing often with new things to do and explore. Summer is a fullness to life. I love the carefree days of summer. Summer is also a time to let go of restraints. I love picking up and going someplace or doing something with very little thought process to it. Summer eating of all of nature’s harvest is an unending delight to me. I also like wearing flip flops and no coats. It is like casting off the baggage of winter in my mind. My thoughts about fall have been a time to turn inside and begin a nesting of our home and of my life. As I think on this I believe I have had warm feelings about fall all along only I pushed forward to winter’s bleakness too quickly. Fall in my mind means the smells of home, soup cooking, cookies being baked and settling down and connecting with myself, with my family and others. As I ponder again I realize that fall has had many warm memories in my thoughts. Soon it will be Thanksgiving and sharing time with family or friends and this is always a pleasant thought to me. The leaves change and a beautiful array of color seems to unfold. Fall and winter of life reminds me that life is short. With the leaves falling I take stock of my life and the loss’ I have. I am older and both my parents are gone. I have lost a brother and even my Grandmother is gone. It seems to me I begin to learn to live life in a new way. Lately the lesson for me is to learn to get around in new ways. Some of the lessons take time to process and there is often sadness for the loss’ of life. In another way fall is quiet and allows me to readjust my thinking which opens the door to new ways, new friends. The reflection of fall is also good and pleasant. Winter takes me deeper into the reflective process. The white snow covered scenes bury the past things of life. The snow mulches the soil in preparation for spring’s new beauty. When spring arrives I have worked through winter’s long harsh cold and I once more enter back into life again. Each season seems to have its own job and if each season comes I can grow. God becomes more focal in my life and I am thankful for the process of the seasons. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Jane

October 10 2015

October 10 2015 Greetings My Friend Working back to a semblance of energy is such hard work. It took me a few weeks to admit that my body was indeed getting weaker and I had tried to get back to the normal I had come to know. A trip to the doctors and hospital ruled out heart problems. I was put on stronger medications for anxiety and a stronger inhaler. These medicines have been in my system for a week now and I have a sense of energy again. My shaky hands don’t seem to have settled much. My breathing with the stronger inhaler, that I am not sure. More than likely I will tell by how easily winded I become doing simple chores. I have come up with a new plan for my day and I will start working on it today. I also have accepted that my body may be changing, that I will need to work differently and doing sewing, crafts and such could be part of my work day and that is still work. God has shown me that for now He is not finished with me and that He still has plans for me for His glory. I feel wanted and needed and not a total burden. So I am moving forward again. In a sense I feel the “old me” coming out again. I sense too that this last battle won’t be the last and I will need to keep trusting God, even if my life is not going in the direction I thought it would. I am finally comfortable in my own skin emotionally and to some extent I am accepting of continuing decline within my body. My guess is each new phase may mean a reassessment of thinking but I will move through it easier. After I started using my walker in the house I am once more getting some work done. Junior is taking over a few of the things I used to do. Getting into the kitchen to make meals has been hard so he is helping me with that. I am using the vacuum instead of the broom and dustpan because it helps me stay balanced and I don’t need to bend or squat as much. I sit in my walker to do my hair, brush my teeth. It seems like such a small effort to stand and do these things but it is not anymore and that is okay. As I absorb the fact that using tools to help me move about I accept that I need them and with them I can do more. Since I like being physical using tools to help me stay active is okay too. Knowing that I am not alone helps me a ton. I see others dealing with major health issues and I find comfort that this struggle is not unique to me. I feel a community developing in my life of those whose bodies are in decline for different reasons but they understand my journey and its unique struggles. I find that my sense of confusion is to be expected. I am praying for others and others are also praying for me and I believe this is why I have to courage to look at my disabilities in the face and keep going. The more I learn to talk to God about anything and everything I find my purpose in life. Having a purpose keeps me going and trying and go some more. To me this purpose is my hope that God has given me. I feel He is telling me that it is not time to stop or give up yet. With this encouragement I shake off the dust and get up one more time. Without Jesus I am nothing with Him I live. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 8 2015

October 8 2015 Greetings My Friend As I write today is the day I bring my walker inside and use it as I move about. My theory is by using it I will gain some of my energy back and be able to do more and maybe need less nap time. It has been hard for me to face this need but I believe for now anyway this is what will give me the ability to be mobile longer. I have pushed off this moment in the hopes that efforts to get about on my own steam would come back, today I admit to myself I need the walker and this is my new normal. Somewhere deep inside me I know that I have tried the best I can and now it is time to admit I am entering into a new stage of Chiari Malformation. God has listened to my fears, my reasoning and I am at peace with the new direction my life is entering into. I have been on the new doses of medication for a few days and somewhere deep inside I hope to see myself on my own steam again if it happens great if not that is okay too. I learn some more where the brain stem is the control center for a whole host of day to day functioning and since mine is not where it belongs I will need to face the fact that my disability will change again. As I have started using my walker I find how handy it is. My purse does not need to be on my shoulder anymore because I can stash it in the seat pocket. I can hang my Bible book bag on one of the arms and carry a bottle of water in the side pocket. With the changing weather I can toss a jacket on the chair and put it on if I need it. The other day at a potluck I was able to get my own food and carry it on the chair all by myself. With my walking stick I was unsure of my shaking hand that I had Junior carry my plate for me and once more I am able to do it myself. These positive thoughts help me to enter into the new phase of my disability with hope in my soul. I know that my hope in Jesus is what sustains me so I look for the good and attempt to not focus on what once was. I get the creative task of learning to do old things in a new way again as well. I have felt the loss of what I was and now I look forward to enjoying life in a new way. Again I understand the importance of mourning. It is important to mourn the loss of life as I once knew it. I keep finding that in mourning I am able to let go and move forward. For me that relearning to do things in a new way seems to be a way of staying involved with my life and connecting with others. The saying that goes through my mind is “It ain’t over till it is over” points to the fact that I still have much to offer to life, to others and to God. If God is still using me I feel a completeness to who I am and why I am here. Instead of carrying Daisy in my arms she now rides on the seat of the walker. She is near and I find comfort. Junior is helping me do the things I can’t do until I figure out how to do them again and if I can’t I know he won’t mind continuing to pick up my slack. I am also learning how to take a few burdens off of Junior such as making phone calls. In the end we balance out again and I am grateful. God is my rock and my refuge. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 6 2015

October 6 2015 Greetings My Friend “Rather , speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who the head, into Christ.” I remember a summer I was an advisor for 6th grade camp at church. The lesson was “truth in love.” This message continues to stay with me and I find it to be one of the foundations I strive to live. Many times I hear “but I was telling the truth,” and I sense that this truth is to beat up on another in the name of truth. I heart it should be truth in love which means the same truth can be told without the need to prove your way is right or you are better. I don’t want to sugar coat life either but I am finding out that I can be as truthful as anyone else with gentleness thrown in. One of the best things that makes me want to change is when I know another person has struggled and I understand that change can happen for the better. I like it when they come alongside of me instead of lording the truth over me like a weapon. When I was in my abuse I often heard people say “I would never!” I felt like a fool because they would not but I was confused because I did not know how to make things different. I found I was able to change when I was encouraged. I developed a mouth at work and my co workers kept applauding my strong stance. Of course I was too abrasive to start with but as I absorbed how to tell others more of what I wanted or thought I learned to tame my brashness. I soon took this lesson home and started using it. I slowly learned that I did not have to tolerate things that was totally against who I was. My words were often very harsh and again over time I learned to be upfront not just abrasive. As I retired I joined Celebrate Recovery with a friend who was going through abuse. I thought I went to help her but along the way I realized I still needed help in dealing with my past. Our share groups allows each person to talk without any input. This was hard at first but as time went on I began to see the therapy in just saying the thoughts in my heart out loud. I started to see how I could begin to deal with problems because I named the struggle in a safe environment. I am a person who wants to fix things when I hear pain but CR taught me the need to put a face to the struggle that has been hidden deep inside. Inside this struggle is there in many ways and it is also hidden in other ways. By being allowed a few minutes to allow what was deep inside of me to come out I slowly learned to name my problem and it was at that point I could then find ways to deal with the hurt. I found a few friends who came alongside of me and together in private we held the deeper discussions on how to walk away from the deep hurt. The program at Celebrate Recovery was also a stepping stone to finding healthy ways to live. Repeating the 12 steps, learning a new lesson and then share time allowed me to feel safe and then begin the hard work of recovery. I saw that this method worked for all “hurts, habits and hangups.” The tenderness of truth helped me to stop and look before acting. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 3 2015

October 3 2015 Greetings My Friend The weakness and shortness of breath worried me enough so I made an appointment with my doctor to begin the process of checking things out. She was so concerned I was having heart problems and had me admitted to the hospital. The good news is my heart looks good the bad news I still don’t know what is wrong. My guess is I will go through more tests in the hopes of finding out what is causing my problems. The reality that my body was changing came on me slowly. The heat of summer and the humidity will take me rather low so I was not surprised when I felt weaker and was out of breath easier. As the heat of summer waned though I was still rather weak and winded and I found it hard to come back to my new normal. After questioning myself, attempting to keep pushing myself I decided I decided that I may be entering into a new phase of disability. I don’t want to go into a new dependence too soon so I was striving to push myself in the hopes I would build back up again and this has worked in the past but for some reason it wasn’t working now. I talked with my friend Debbie who opened the door to using my walker more. I told her my fear of using it more and the potential I have entered into this stage too soon. She gently gave me permission to use it and if I did not need it later then I could put it aside again. I used it instead of my walking stick the next day at church and for now anyway it will be how I get around outside of the house. I am not sure how I will operate in the house for now but I am feeling my way around so to speak. When I stand up from sitting I have to wait a few seconds to gain my balance before taking a step. I find myself reaching out to hold onto something from time to time to keep my balance and I find I am still able to move about without an aid. I am trying to stay on my own stamina for now but I am open to using my walker if need be to get around. I have reworked my working routine to the point I work in short segments for up to an hour in the morning, lay low all afternoon and attempt a few more chores in the evening. So far this is working out fine. Today Junior and I will head to Kingsport for a doctor appointment and to get me a new cell phone so I will see how I handle this day of running. My guess is if I am tired I will sit in the truck and rest/nap if I need to and go when I can. I am learning my new boundaries for the busy days we get. Until I went to the doctor’s I found myself worried, confused and scared. Once I made the appointment, spent 2 days in the hospital the worry part of this journey has settled and the discovery part seems to be filling in. When I had cancer I remember going through much the same process. My conversations with God has opened up and my questions seem to be “Lord teach me to have the right words for the doctor’s.” I sense an acceptance and now I am willing to move forward into what I need to do to function. In God’s peace I go forward. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 1 2015

October 1 2015 Greetings My Friend Fear has tried to consume me recently as I struggle to walk to be up and about and I find myself wore out easier. I begin to think on my possible new limitations and I am very afraid. In the midst of this fear though I see one small spark of hope so I start thinking on all the good things in my life. In short order the fear quiets down and I face the potential new challenges. I even find that this new struggle may be for a short time not a permanent situation. As I am walking through our home my eyes rest on the how it is decorated and arranged. I love what my eyes see. They see quiet calmness, familiar pieces and I absorb how Junior and I have blended not only furniture from our previous lives but we have blended into a comfortable couple. In my quiet thoughts Daisy barks and barks as Junior comes in. She is protecting me and when she hears Junior’s voice she quiets down. Her sense of smell isn’t what it once was and her hearing is bad making it hard for her to discern the safe from the unsafe so she protects me anyways. I go sit in my favorite chair and find familiar comfort to relax in. When I stand up I have to rebalance myself a prick of fear tries to toy with me. I wasn’t doing the rebalance act just a few weeks ago. It seems like God tells me almost immediately “It is a good thing you have been doing various exercises because you are able to overcome the moment and not fall.” This thought settles the fear that tries to override my thoughts. Junior and I have a comfortable retirement financially. I am thankful that we have not had to dip much into our retirement savings so we still have our nest egg for future problems. We have 2 good running vehicles and slowly I find the precious lesson I have been learning, I have my needs met and my wants won’t satisfy me as much as my needs will. I come back to my current thought of how much I am struggling lately to do simple things and I realize that things will change. I won’t be able to be or do what I once did and that is okay. I will find a fullness in life anyways. I will learn new ways to do things and I will marvel at how creative I can be. My will to overcome because of God’s strength takes the fear away. Right now I am focusing on myself more. I am not making the time to connect with some people because I can’t. I am not able to be a support network like I want to be. My thoughts focus on not being a burden and that means I need to figure out how to do old things in a new way. This process consumes me. I am grateful for Junior’s willingness to work through his disabilities. He shows me it can be done and life is still good. He shows me how to study the situation then implement a new way to do things and I am grateful for him. Dad even comes to mind as I understand more fully his struggles with polio at a time the man earned the living. Dad stayed home with us kids while Mom worked and he accepted this role reversal even though it was hard to accept. I can do this because “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet