October 8 2015

October 8 2015 Greetings My Friend As I write today is the day I bring my walker inside and use it as I move about. My theory is by using it I will gain some of my energy back and be able to do more and maybe need less nap time. It has been hard for me to face this need but I believe for now anyway this is what will give me the ability to be mobile longer. I have pushed off this moment in the hopes that efforts to get about on my own steam would come back, today I admit to myself I need the walker and this is my new normal. Somewhere deep inside me I know that I have tried the best I can and now it is time to admit I am entering into a new stage of Chiari Malformation. God has listened to my fears, my reasoning and I am at peace with the new direction my life is entering into. I have been on the new doses of medication for a few days and somewhere deep inside I hope to see myself on my own steam again if it happens great if not that is okay too. I learn some more where the brain stem is the control center for a whole host of day to day functioning and since mine is not where it belongs I will need to face the fact that my disability will change again. As I have started using my walker I find how handy it is. My purse does not need to be on my shoulder anymore because I can stash it in the seat pocket. I can hang my Bible book bag on one of the arms and carry a bottle of water in the side pocket. With the changing weather I can toss a jacket on the chair and put it on if I need it. The other day at a potluck I was able to get my own food and carry it on the chair all by myself. With my walking stick I was unsure of my shaking hand that I had Junior carry my plate for me and once more I am able to do it myself. These positive thoughts help me to enter into the new phase of my disability with hope in my soul. I know that my hope in Jesus is what sustains me so I look for the good and attempt to not focus on what once was. I get the creative task of learning to do old things in a new way again as well. I have felt the loss of what I was and now I look forward to enjoying life in a new way. Again I understand the importance of mourning. It is important to mourn the loss of life as I once knew it. I keep finding that in mourning I am able to let go and move forward. For me that relearning to do things in a new way seems to be a way of staying involved with my life and connecting with others. The saying that goes through my mind is “It ain’t over till it is over” points to the fact that I still have much to offer to life, to others and to God. If God is still using me I feel a completeness to who I am and why I am here. Instead of carrying Daisy in my arms she now rides on the seat of the walker. She is near and I find comfort. Junior is helping me do the things I can’t do until I figure out how to do them again and if I can’t I know he won’t mind continuing to pick up my slack. I am also learning how to take a few burdens off of Junior such as making phone calls. In the end we balance out again and I am grateful. God is my rock and my refuge. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet