October 10 2015

October 10 2015 Greetings My Friend Working back to a semblance of energy is such hard work. It took me a few weeks to admit that my body was indeed getting weaker and I had tried to get back to the normal I had come to know. A trip to the doctors and hospital ruled out heart problems. I was put on stronger medications for anxiety and a stronger inhaler. These medicines have been in my system for a week now and I have a sense of energy again. My shaky hands don’t seem to have settled much. My breathing with the stronger inhaler, that I am not sure. More than likely I will tell by how easily winded I become doing simple chores. I have come up with a new plan for my day and I will start working on it today. I also have accepted that my body may be changing, that I will need to work differently and doing sewing, crafts and such could be part of my work day and that is still work. God has shown me that for now He is not finished with me and that He still has plans for me for His glory. I feel wanted and needed and not a total burden. So I am moving forward again. In a sense I feel the “old me” coming out again. I sense too that this last battle won’t be the last and I will need to keep trusting God, even if my life is not going in the direction I thought it would. I am finally comfortable in my own skin emotionally and to some extent I am accepting of continuing decline within my body. My guess is each new phase may mean a reassessment of thinking but I will move through it easier. After I started using my walker in the house I am once more getting some work done. Junior is taking over a few of the things I used to do. Getting into the kitchen to make meals has been hard so he is helping me with that. I am using the vacuum instead of the broom and dustpan because it helps me stay balanced and I don’t need to bend or squat as much. I sit in my walker to do my hair, brush my teeth. It seems like such a small effort to stand and do these things but it is not anymore and that is okay. As I absorb the fact that using tools to help me move about I accept that I need them and with them I can do more. Since I like being physical using tools to help me stay active is okay too. Knowing that I am not alone helps me a ton. I see others dealing with major health issues and I find comfort that this struggle is not unique to me. I feel a community developing in my life of those whose bodies are in decline for different reasons but they understand my journey and its unique struggles. I find that my sense of confusion is to be expected. I am praying for others and others are also praying for me and I believe this is why I have to courage to look at my disabilities in the face and keep going. The more I learn to talk to God about anything and everything I find my purpose in life. Having a purpose keeps me going and trying and go some more. To me this purpose is my hope that God has given me. I feel He is telling me that it is not time to stop or give up yet. With this encouragement I shake off the dust and get up one more time. Without Jesus I am nothing with Him I live. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet