May 30 2015

May 30 2015 Greetings My Friend My last blog was on learning to rely on God. My thoughts kept going as that blog came to an end. I sensed a lesson I have “heard” on my heart for some time now. “God is a God of action not of non action.” For the longest time I struggled with this concept thinking God wanted me to work on the things I learned in the Bible. He does but it seems that the more I read the more I understood that God was teaching me to “Trust Him first and then obey His guidance.” Learning to trust and believe God truly loves me and wants my best has been a huge battle. I believed it in my head and my heart was not so sure. I saw a picture of learning to trust in a situation my son has been struggling with which opened both my eyes and heart to “Trust and obey.” He never finished high school and he hasn’t found a decent paying job. He has been willing to work hard and he has managed to make a decent living because he was willing to work loads of over time. I have prayed over him and I believe God has watched after my son. He is recently divorced and he has been very worried about his ability to support him and his children. Part of the divorce settlement was that he was to pay his ex’s car insurance and her student loan. This upset him greatly and I can understand his concern. The amazing thing is in the end he did not have to pay either one. His employer is slowing down which happens from time to time. My son is worrying again. I get his fear. He has had to take care of himself since he was a teenager. He has taught himself to overcome and he feels a loss of control. My faith journey teaches me to look underneath the surface at how over time things seem to always work out. I reminded him of how God recently took two huge bills from him. At this point I understood that lesson I learned at the start of my journey. The lesson was to write 10 things I was thankful for each day. The more I saw that I had instead of what I did not have the less fearful I was. When my counselor taught me the ACTSS prayer format I transferred writing my “thank you’s” to my prayers and that is my standard today. I was depressed and angry with the way my childhood went. I was equally depressed and angry with the way my ex treated me. Life felt way out of my control. My journey through being thankful taught me that I was a strong person even if others did not think I was. I learned to believe in myself because I kept talking to God and I felt His love and adoration for me. I marveled at his love for me and then marveled even more so. He loves each one of us as if we were the only person in the world and knowing that He did this I found myself reaching out more in His love. I learned God loves me, then I let God love me. The more I felt loved the more confidence I had and today I “hear” God guiding me on how to love, to give, to serve and to share the Gospel. Sometimes I even use words. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 28 2015

May 28 2915 Greetings My Friend I am once more focusing on the “heart”. God knows our heart. God isn’t interested in all the things we do but in our heart. Sometimes I need to do a “heart check” to make sure I am not fooling myself into thinking I am giving God my heart. A good portion of my life has been spent with people who tend to believe what they think is real and it is not. Mom told everyone she had quit smoking and then sought to make us believe she had quit. The problem was she had not. I have never smoked and I could smell it on her. I did not enjoy playing along with this deception. Mom operated with this belief system as we were growing up which often confused me. I did not understand it until much later in my life so I was always unsure of what was real and what was not. For me I went the other way and told everything. I fell into this way of thinking as well. My 1st marriage was not good. We would have a fight, he would say he was sorry and soon he was doing the same thing again. I believed he was going to truly change and after 20 some years I started to realize he wasn’t going to change. As I entered into new relationships after divorce I was leary of defective thinking and ending up in the same situation I left. The counselor I was seeing was Christian and he taught me to think of what I wanted in a new relationship. The biggest help was he pointed me to God. Before I even went on any dates I had started asking God to let me have a chance at a good marriage. I asked Him to lead me to that moment. I also was taught to think about what mattered in a relationship and then to look for that in my relationships. The first attempts were hazy but he started with suggestions. “Does he have a job? Does he handle his finances?” I found my list of desires as I trained my mind. My list was, he had a job, handled his finances, was patient, did not need to resort to anger. As I developed my list I recall almost as an after thought “Oh a man who takes his faith seriously.” My divorce took me so low that I finally learned to lean on God. My training in my faith journey was “God helps those that help themselves.” Junior came along and our romance was very fast paced. We were both unsure but at the same time we felt we belonged with each other. For me I kept asking God and I sensed His guidance with each question. Once we were married Junior taught me to pray for our marriage. He also taught me to pray for my ex. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to move past all the pain but daily I prayed my ex’s name. I also began praying for our marriage. I still do both and my struggles with my ex in my heart have taken me years to work through. Today I don’t hate him. My marriage is a prayer I say often too. God has blessed me with peace and pricks my heart as to what Junior needs. My biggest fear today is walking away from God unintentionally. So I pray this too, “please help me to stay focused on You, Lord.” May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 26 2015

May 26 2015 Greetings My Friend I have been outside cleaning the yard from debris, porch sitting and cleaning for a while now. Junior and I are starting to unwind at night before heading back into watch TV and head to bed. As I realize that this is a dream I longed for I marvel because I am not sure I ever realized it was a dream. When I started writing Junior his letters all those years ago I was encouraged by him to write. The more the “writing” dream took shape I started to see myself writing in a country wooded home looking out and enjoying the beauty and peacefulness of it. In all of the confusion of retirement, moving out of state and then buying this home with all of the renovating I lost sight of my dream. I had it at the same time. Somehow I knew that I would begin to live the fullness of our dream and I find that this moment has arrived. The house has more porches to be widened, a metal roof to put on, the kitchen done more so than it is now and a master bedroom with bathroom attached. As we sit on the porch our dreams are moving from constant renovating to a new dream that is forming. Our new dream is to repurpose old furniture and things and sell them, give them away I am not sure but it is the start of new dream. These dreams are forming in our older years. Junior will be 69 this fall and am in my early 60’s and we have new dreams. As I realize the outside porch dream I also see those other dreams I never formed into words coming to pass. I longed to be retired with Junior for many years before either one of us died. Mom and Dad never saw that day so it became important to me. God has given me this dream. I have been retired 7 years now. I pray there will be many more too. As a young person I loved camping. I grew tired of tents but loved the woods so many vacations found us in cabins and such. Now it is our everyday. It is even in our trips around town. We see mountains and woods and God's awesome creation. My last few years of working was hard for me to do. I was chronically tired and my wish was to sleep as I needed to sleep. Today I woke up with nausea and vomiting. I went back to bed after drinking lemon ginger tea and eating saltine crackers. I feel pretty good now and I know that I will enter into the day feeling content with the work I will accomplish. In the mundane I find life full. Oh there is that dream too. The one where I will wake up and enjoy a conversation with my husband. We will discuss our faith, the news or whatever else. I did not know this close intimacy in my first marriage so I relish it now. I do have my challenges with my health so does Junior but even so we seem to still have the need to dream to live the dream and to dream new dreams. God has given us this desire and I am so thankful. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 23 2015

May 23 2015 Greetings My Friend It seems one of my characteristics is to look deeply into “why?” As a child I wanted to be “normal” whatever normal is. After I had my son I began the deeper digging due to his hearing problems, allergies, anger due to hearing and ADHD. My career was a lot of problem solving. As a loan processor I had to make sure I had all the documents in order to set up a loan. As a research analyst I dug into what went wrong a whole lot and resolved the problem. In my own life I have learned how to deal with extremely sensitive skin and allergies. I have spent years digging into my past to understand my dysfunctions. God has walked me through the digging and finding answers opening my eyes at the right times to move me past dysfunction, ailments and such. The last few years my research has been understanding what is wrong with my health on different levels. Chronic Fatigue, digestive upsets that take me so low, COPD and of learning to deal with Chiari Malformation a birth defect I did not know I had until my late 50’s. I am now waiting to have a procedure done to stretch my esophagus which means I am struggling a whole lot with nausea, vomiting and the like. Even in this moment I am striving to learn how to deal with digestive issues that are slowing me way down. Sea bands have slowed the nausea and taking them off long enough to shower will bring on nausea quickly. With the sea bands though I still struggle so I have learned to take Zofran which doesn’t always resolve the problem so I have learned to drink lemon ginger tea and peppermint tea. At first I drank the tea as I felt the nausea appearing. After a while I was not able to move out of nausea easily so now I am drinking it first thing in the morning. I drink more tea throughout the day and I am functioning again. I am starting to think that God has given me this inquisitive nature for a reason. I love writing and part of my writing journey is asking a lot of questions. The more I find myself walking closer to God I sense God is using me to teach others what I find out A friend Junior and I love and interact with is a hoarder with major health issues. She has had to face her dysfunction and we are walking with her as she lets her hoarding lifestyle go. I write about my health struggles and solutions frequently. I have made many friends who too are struggling with health. Many of us seem to look healthy but we are not and sharing my “story” seems to give us a forum to educate and to come together and encourage each other, those who are caring for someone with chronic illness. My days of volunteering are fairly much over with. God is using me in new and different ways and I don’t feel like a burden to others. I have a purpose which gives me the reason to get up and try again. Others share their journey with me and somehow I see God’s awesome hand in all of this. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 21 2015

May 21 2015 Greetings My Friend Taking a walk inside my spider web of thoughts. The fence guys just pulled up to finish installing the fence after a few weeks delay. Soon our fur children will not wander the neighborhood anymore. Next I count out the days until I have my procedure and it is 12. I ask myself what will it be like to not choke on water, swallow food and it goes down without a problem stuff like that. Will the constant nausea go away and these thoughts drift around for a bit. As this thought fades I find myself looking out the window watching the birds. I see my first hummingbird of the season and feel joy. The cardinals stops by he is so red and she is so muted but they both are beautiful. The birds leave and I feel Bella at my feet and pet on her. Mother’s Day this year was the sweetest day in years. The anger of all the craziness from the past is now being let go of with a few moments of “seeing” to help him move forward. Some of the special kids who are now adults with kids of their own remind me of some pleasant times they had with me. I finally get that I was a decent mother with her set of flaws and for the most part they saw the love I had. As I journaled my Bible study I see that my handwriting is real shaky today. A while back I was terrified and today I know that this comes and goes. When I feel the shakiness I need to self reflect and see if my sugar is low. It is not and now I know Chiari in my body from low sugar. My child called me and I shared about my procedure and a bit of the struggle I have with my birth defect Chiari Malformation. He took it well and the main thing he wanted to know was that I am going to be around God willing for a while longer although I will be changing with my abilities. I am older so he seems to get that as well. With these thoughts swirling around I see that God’s hand is on me and for the most part I am hearing His direction. I notice that I am concerned but not fearful of the changes that will take place. God has walked beside me and will continue too. Psalm 23 comes to mind “The Lord is my shephard I shall not want.” This comforts me and I move along in my thoughts some more. With the heat of summer coming on I am learning to work in short segments. I am enjoying this as I rest on the porch or in the cool of the house. I am learning to live with my heat struggles and once more love the warmth of this season by moving about again. I find that this spider web of thoughts seems to be about all the good things life is these days and I thank God for His patience as I learned each lesson. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 19 2025

May 19 2015 Greetings My Friend Brenda came into the room with something she wanted to tell me. She picked her words carefully and said “I love you guys so much.” Brenda is aloof, eccentric and is not prone to share her inmost feelings. Brenda and her son have been placed in our lives for a good five years now. Junior worked with her son for a few years attempting to teach him how to work. One day Junior told him that we had run out of money and could no longer use his services. The young man went to work at finding a truck driving school and now has a job driving a truck. With Brenda we have befriended her. We have given her a clean home from time to time to hang out in, a place to shower and to wash her clothes. She is a hoarder and slowly she is coming to terms with how offensive it is to her son, to people in her life. Her son refuses to spend any time at home when he is in from driving over the road. He stays in the truck rather than with her. She asked him finally and he told her that he has cleaned that house 3 times and he is not doing it again. As this reality sunk in she did her usual “I am going to” comments. After one visit she got the message from her son that he meant it and made small attempts at cleaning her home, her car. At this point Junior told her that he would come by once a week to haul bags away to the dumpster. If he came by and there were no bags then he would not come back again. Junior sensed that Brenda had forgotten how to work and how to do a little each day so he went over a few times and spent an hour or two helping her. When the porch got mostly cleared off he took her to get wood to rebuild it. Brenda was so happy when they cleared enough trash from the doorway that the door could swing open fully. It is hard for her due to her bad back, diabetes and COPD. We both understand very well the struggle it is to keep our lives in order. When she is staying at our place for a few days I have insisted that she clean the room she stays in. One time when she had not been over for a spell Junior and I went in there and cleaned it. She had started her hoarding in there. At first I thought she would be happy coming to a clean room that she would keep it up. I was so wrong. Now that I understand her confusion I tell her throughout each time she is with us to pick up, to vacuum and to wash the sheets. Her progress is tiny small steps and sometimes I find I am fairly impatient with her. Put Brenda and Junior together and what a handful. Junior has his hoarding tendencies also. Junior has learned to clean up piles that I place in his comfy chair or on his desk. Junior does not know what clean looks like to me so I help him help me. The more I understand how to make clear to Junior what I call clean is the more I realize he won’t ever see it unless I speak in a way he can comprehend. Brenda has not learned the things Junior has so the piling doesn’t work for her. The consistent reminding her is helpful to her. She often says “I am watching this program.” I respond with “Then do it during the commercials or how about watching TV and picking up at the same time?” I think that allowing Brenda to “live” with us for days at a time is helping her to see the way out of the hole she has dug herself in. Besides her son Junior is now a man she has learned to trust. He is blunt with her but he tells her straight and in that she is growing. I also have had to teach Brenda to notice the new things I have done around the house. She is starting to mention them on her own now. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 16 2015

May 16 2015 Greetings My Friend Sometimes as I read the Bible I feel it speaks volumes to me. When I go through the laws, the offerings of the tabernacle and each gift is repeated 12 times I struggle to stay focused. I had gotten to the point of passing over the repeated passages after reading the first one. This year I am listening as I read and I still struggle but I keep coming back to read what is spoken. It is a lesson for me to stay focused, to come back when I wander in my mind and in my spirit. Staying focused on the journey is the goal and the more I am focused the more my life changes. I enter into the work God wants me to do and quit trying to tell God what I’d like to do. I tune into my true passions understanding that God has placed them on my heart. The more I learn the gifts God has given me the more I want to go further in my field of work God has given me. There is joy in learning to focus my heart on God moment by moment. It is hard work too. I think of runners again. I sense they compete with themselves more so. Their goal is to do better with each event than they did in the last event. In focusing on themselves they see their timing being shaved off and a quicker race is run. This is true in my faith journey also. It starts out with asking Jesus into my heart. One day I find that those thoughts that held me captive are going away. I don’t want to gossip, even swearing begins to come less frequently. Step by step I have a desire to please God more and myself less. One day I turn around and I realize the huge changes within me. At some point I realize that I am not what I once was and I am not where I will be in the future. I can’t imagine that I could still change that much but deep inside me I know I will. I look forward to these new changes. As I face new hurdles I also know that I am not alone and God is going to take me through the hurdle instead of taking the hurdle from me. Lately I learn to live with a body that has limitations. After a period of mourning I sense God teaching me to live with the disabilities. The more creative I get the more I find life to be good, great even. I still need to do self checks to stay on top of the new changes I need to make. Staying on top of all my nausea means I’ve told my doctor and we are able to get to things quicker which means my major discomfort tends to go away or is at a tolerable level. As my abilities change I am mourning less and moving into the next stage a bit easier. It is not going to go away. Sometimes God points me to things that will help me stay active, feel better and last longer before the next stage enters my life. At first I was into exercise and it did help. Junior introduced me to supplements, they too are helping me. Next I learned about essential oils and this is helping me as well. I relearned to exercise within my capabilities instead of staying rigid with my old routines Yes I have limitations today but I am redefining my abilities and loving each and every day I am given by God. In the process I am looking at life with a new set of eyes and I am enjoying life from this arena. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 14 2015

May 14 2015 Greetings My Friend All the furniture is moved out of the sitting room, the rug is up and it was time to enter into my cleaning routines when I discovered….they were not going to happen. A few years ago I would have sat down in my chair and been so confused the rest of the day. Right now Junior is taking a timeout to wash a fur child. This means it will be a while before he finishes up his project and since he will clean the floors and the area rug the sweeping part of my day will not happen. I swept the porch as much as I was able came back in and decided now is a good time to write then I will make cheese soup for lunch and the next little while has an agenda. In the next hour or so he will go to the Chiropractor, stop by B’s house to see how she is doing on cleaning her hoarding out before he comes home again. The sitting room may or may not be put back together and again today. More than likely this arrangement will be like this for a good week. I wander out the front door and I am greeted by furniture from inside, tools for the porch extension he is working on and the aisles fill to the point I will have to hold something for each step I attempt on the porch. “Junior could you keep the aisle ways cleared of stuff?” I ask and he is so agreeable to my request. Sometime later I go outside and my idea of a clear pathway and his seems to collide. A short while ago I would smolder, stew and pray. “Lord, I want to love this man and right now it is so hard. Please open my eyes and heart to him.” One friend needs to come by to wash clothes and such. Another friend needs a ride into town for a few groceries. One of the fur children needs some fussing with and Junior stops to give the child some attention. “Yes Lord I love him and I will figure a way to cope. Thank you” My patience is tried again and God shows me other ways to bend and stretch, to make order out of disorder and to clean some corners I have been meaning to get to. As I sit down for the night I see I have a good 2 hours of moving, bending, squatting and stretching. With this I also see pretty clean areas that had been neglected for too long. I love this man all the more. I decide I want to hang out side so another day I begin bringing order to the porch. In the order I get to do some decorating with plants. I made a bench using 2 cinder blocks and a wide plank of wood and in half an hour I have the ramp cleared of debris, clutter. I am able to walk with confidence. I have even captured more of our renovating on the camera. I am sure one day we will look back with fondness and marvel how we did all the work we’ve done. Somewhere deep inside of me I know that learning how to navigate around this chaos has more than likely helped me stay stronger and more agile. My work load is more ordered most days and weeks. These binges make me stay flexible and I can roll with life’s ups and downs a bit better. In the end I am thankful. Getting to this point though is a lot of work. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 12 2015

May 12 2015 Greetings My Friend The watermelon tastes sweet as I eat on it. The cucumbers taste cool and refreshing too. We planted some mint, some butterfly and hummingbird friendly plants and a couple of vegetables we love. It feels good to be honest. The front door is open and I hear a sweet bird song drifting into the house. Slowly I begin forming my plans for this day. Somewhere inside of me I pray that I can enjoy the spring, summer and early fall seasons in their full glory. When I can go out without a coat on and a pair of flip flops on my feet I feel freer than free. I learned more about what is happening within my body. As I work and push myself I feel extra shaky and even weak. It hit me that this is due to a drop in sugar. I am pushing myself so taking a break and eating protein helps me get back to snuff. As I make my way around the house and yard I still sense that my balance has declined more so. It isn’t a huge difference but I know that it is there also. The biggest thing I am learning is to move extra slowly and so far I have not fallen like I was when the balance issues first arose. Sometimes Junior is unaware of his clutter and at first I thought he did not care. He does care but he doesn’t see the clutter in the way I see it. He left his saw out on the porch, a couple of boards and other things in my pathway. I asked him without anger to please move them. At first he did not understand what was in my way so I got specific and those items were removed almost immediately. Just because I have a problem does not mean that Junior is aware of my issue. He is very accommodating when he understands and I have used calm words to explain myself. It has taken me years to understand that people can’t read my mind or know my problems unless I present my struggle in a calm manner. If I were to get huffy and upset because Junior in my mind should have known then we would each have to defend ourselves. Learning to explain my problem and to ask for his help takes the edge away and in the end I get what I need from a willing husband. At first I found Junior’s clutter to be hard to live with. He has a need to live in clutter and I have a need to live without clutter. We both have learned to accommodate each other’s wishes to some extent. I pick up a lot after him and I am comfortable doing so. Junior also does not mind. Many times I pile things in a spot he sits in such as his desk. He puts the things away gladly. We have out buildings in which he can pile things to his heart’s content and I don’t have to deal with it. He is happy and I am comfortable. I have also relaxed some of my standards so he doesn’t have that spotless sense in our home. It is clean and has order and he is comfortable. I too am very comfortable. I am able to move about the house and when he leaves things that are a challenge for me he is willing to move them. He now understands my struggle and I appreciate him so much. Love Janet

May 9 2015

May 9 2015 Greetings My Friend Fear was pounding on my heart real hard yesterday. I knew it would not do any good and yet I kept coming back to it. For a few days now I have dealt with the shakes in my legs and in my hands. These weren’t little shakes but the kind that made me feel week and the question I kept going over was “Is this the next phase as I head toward a wheelchair?” I keep learning and growing through my various health issues and over all I am content and willing to face them head on with God’s strength to see me through. I asked God a few times to help me but the quietness of the day sunk into my being. Finally my niece in boxed me and I shared my fear with her. It was what I needed. She heard me and I felt encouraged. Next I felt safe enough to voice my fear on Facebook and at that point I was letting this fear take a back seat in my life. Sometimes it takes a determination and a deep belief that God will point the way for me to let things go. Once I received the acknowledgement I found I could let go. I believe God had my niece contact me and encourage me. Today I am moving and doing my day and enjoying it. Now that the weather is nice I am finding porch time to be important for me. I may sit and view the countryside, sweep the porch or arrange the plants and porch like I do the house. The porch is an extension of the house and I don’t use my cane or my walker here. I feel a little unstable but I am able to accommodate for the balance issues and feel encouraged. The reality is that I do have some major issues and over time they more than likely will get worse. God heals me by showing me ways to cope, to prolong some of the effects of my disabilities. When I view it in this light I accept that complete healing isn’t the only miracle God performs. The miracle is that God comforts me, shows me how to deal with limitations and in the process of learning new ways to do things I stretch my mind so much. The old days of going to the gym to do work outs are over with but I can work out cleaning, gardening and walking aisles in the store with my buggy. I feel my muscles getting tighter, my energy lasting longer and a joy in the work I am doing to make a home, write and share my journey and reach out to the community. One of my ministries is praying. Sometimes I can’t do anything but I can always say a prayer for those I know who are in need. Moving about like I have always done would not open the door to prayer and the close walk I am learning to do with God. Yes I had a spell where the fear tried to consume me. I did pray and right away I felt nothing. I kept praying and out of the blue I unloaded on a special lady in my life. She heard me, seemed to know I needed to put words to my fear and was able to begin the process of letting go. I have walked with God for a good many years now. Deep inside of me I know He is my healer, my strength and my comfort. Sometimes I get side tracked for a bit but as I learned about the widow bothering the judge until he relented I find sometimes I need to keep asking God until I can quiet my thoughts down. Understanding the quiet whispers on my heart make me realize that the Holy Spirit is guiding me and I find myself grateful. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 7 2015

May 7 2015 Greetings My Friend Several of the fur children are cuddled in my lap or near my feet. I am taking a time out from housework and porch work to regroup and plan the next part of my day. This morning’s quiet time was speaking to me. I heard that whisper on my heart “Be still and know that I am God.” I was reading Scripture and some of the words were speaking to my heart. I had another lesson in the Holy Spirit today and the lesson was that He is the whisper on my heart. He isn’t always grabbing me hard and giving me a dramatic lesson. He is the quiet on my heart. I loved entering into some of my work routine and felt my spirit was quietly enjoying the work that I was doing. Lunch time came and I ate on the porch feeling spring’s tug on my heart. I have a joy that the warmer weather is here and my desire is that I live in each moment of the warm weather. I have begun working part of the day inside and part out mainly on the wrap around porch. It feels good to be outside more. I haven’t been able to figure out how to be outside this much in years. With the porch fairly much done I have my areas I can keep clean and decorate with flowers and unique stands to put the flowers on such as an old child’s rocking chair or a wooden step ladder. Along with sweeping the inside floors daily I now am adding sweeping the porch off daily. I am eating my meals and on occasion I visit with Junior for a bit. Junior taught me to squat as I pick up things, the yard and the muscles in my thighs are firming up. It was a struggle to switch over to doing squats but now it is rather routine for the most part. I sense my balance is going again so with the squats I feel that I will not progress as quickly and even stay where I am at for a long while. I reflect on exercise of years ago. I worked at a job, walked my breaks and lunch time. I cleaned house but it was not the work out I do today. Back then I quickly did something each day. Today the goal is to bend, stretch, squat and make housework my exercise routine. I use errand days for walking, not trails, the neighborhood but the stores with a buggy to hang onto. It also is a workout for me. My next thought is my body is a temple for God so by striving to keep it in shape within my limitations I am honoring God. Keeping my body in shape, eating fairly well and getting as much sleep as my body needs means I have the energy to do the work God wants me to do for His glory. Sometimes this energy is used in quiet time of studying God’s Word and prayer which opens my heart to His will for me. As I tune in more so I am reaching and doing what God wants me to do and I find the energy (rest) I need to do it. God reminds me that I have an area that He wants me in and when I am in that area I am energized. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 2 2015

May 5 2015 Greetings My Friend The Marine Corps reunion was one of the best we attended. Our group is older now so we needed to slow down, to share more for some reason. The men shared some of their Vietnam moments and as a group we shared how we are learning to cope with older bodies. I think we all are surprised that getting older is a lot of work. Once we accept the inevitable we then learn to deal with an older body and a forgetful mind. Most of us haven’t come to this moment without a bit of a fight in us trying to live as we always lived. When we begin to realize that this too is a part of life we begin to lean into our ailing bodies and live life the best we can. PTSD showed itself in Junior too. As the guys talked a bit about some of the things that went on I saw Junior withdraw. He came back to our room and laid there not talking and finally went to sleep. He woke up leaving those memories in the past. He tends to forget, to not open the door to those memories and when they come he shuts down for a period of time. As we were leaving Nashville we could not find our way to the expressway and he became agitated. My friend called and walked us out of Nashville and pointed us to the restaurant where we were to meet and by the time we arrived he was calm and sociable again. Junior panics when he does not know where he is. I have learned to either be quiet if I can’t figure out the direction or to offer my advice when I do. Talking to him in a calm voice keeps his panic at bay. Some of the guys refuse to fly. Some have to sit with their backs to the wall. I also noticed how they watch out for each other and the wives. I used my walker all week and Junior needed to use the restroom. He told me to stay where I was and he would return for me. It was time to get back on the tour bus and we were late getting back when all of a sudden several men came in and found me. They called their wives and told them that if Junior showed up they had me. Just then Junior came in. When I saw them I was so relieved since it seemed to be taking Junior forever to get back and a phone call to him was dropped. Someone was always watching out for me too as steps or high curbs came about. To be honest I don’t think I have ever felt so watched after and cared for by anyone but Junior. It seems that these men have seen the worst in life and they now cherish the best in life. They are very protective of those they love. I used to think that the wildness they were into in Vietnam was the way they lived their lives. For a time some did but slowly they came out of their crazy days and settled. They came to terms with PTSD and learned how to cope with it. To me our military men and women are a special group of people and today I look upon them with deep respect and thankfulness. I am able to be free because they cared enough to defend us and our freedom. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 2 2015

May 2 2015 Greetings My Friend This morning has started out like it has the last two days with nausea. It is the kind of nausea that stops me in my tracks and doing is difficult. I also need to sleep a whole lot and I was getting rather tired of this routine. I took Zofran which the past two days has not helped but today I feel better after a short nap and prayer time. As I understand Chiari Malformation I learn that other things often are part of my symptoms. I have GERDS which is also a symptom of Chiari. I am guessing that my allergies are acting up and that in turn is also affecting my Chiari. As I look at this I sense that with my brainstem going down into my vertebrae that the spinal fluid is disrupted so the two become one symptom. At any rate today I am on the other side of the nausea so I will take and run with this day. I am learning to embrace the good days and roll through the bad days and life is okay somehow. I am learning that pain comes in many forms. I get physical pain such as when my neck is aching or a headache but a new pain I am learning to deal with is the pain of major discomfort or the pain of not being able to move about like I once did. With these types of pain I sense a lot of mourning, learning to accept the reality I now live with and then when I’ve walked through these stages I can begin to live a full life within my new ability level. Today I can be thankful for the good days and on the bad days I am learning to deal with my discomfort. At this point I know that better days are ahead so the waiting out the bad days is easier. I look out the window and see the sunshine and I find thoughts forming as to what I will attempt today. I am excited at the prospect of planting more pots with flowers and vegetables for our porch area. I start to formulate what I will make for us to eat this week and I am excited. I may need to work a bit slower today to regain my strength and that is okay at least I am up and moving and doing. I am learning to keep talking to God throughout the day attempting to stay close to Him. He guides me, holds me and in Him I have the ability to go through the storm and enjoy the good days. On my own I would have made my illness about 10 times worse in my mind, think that I’d never overcome and stay depressed. God helps me to see sunshine even when I feel clouds of darkness on me. As I look at God’s loving sunshine I find hope and hope is what teaches me to keep on keeping on. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet