May 28 2015

May 28 2915 Greetings My Friend I am once more focusing on the “heart”. God knows our heart. God isn’t interested in all the things we do but in our heart. Sometimes I need to do a “heart check” to make sure I am not fooling myself into thinking I am giving God my heart. A good portion of my life has been spent with people who tend to believe what they think is real and it is not. Mom told everyone she had quit smoking and then sought to make us believe she had quit. The problem was she had not. I have never smoked and I could smell it on her. I did not enjoy playing along with this deception. Mom operated with this belief system as we were growing up which often confused me. I did not understand it until much later in my life so I was always unsure of what was real and what was not. For me I went the other way and told everything. I fell into this way of thinking as well. My 1st marriage was not good. We would have a fight, he would say he was sorry and soon he was doing the same thing again. I believed he was going to truly change and after 20 some years I started to realize he wasn’t going to change. As I entered into new relationships after divorce I was leary of defective thinking and ending up in the same situation I left. The counselor I was seeing was Christian and he taught me to think of what I wanted in a new relationship. The biggest help was he pointed me to God. Before I even went on any dates I had started asking God to let me have a chance at a good marriage. I asked Him to lead me to that moment. I also was taught to think about what mattered in a relationship and then to look for that in my relationships. The first attempts were hazy but he started with suggestions. “Does he have a job? Does he handle his finances?” I found my list of desires as I trained my mind. My list was, he had a job, handled his finances, was patient, did not need to resort to anger. As I developed my list I recall almost as an after thought “Oh a man who takes his faith seriously.” My divorce took me so low that I finally learned to lean on God. My training in my faith journey was “God helps those that help themselves.” Junior came along and our romance was very fast paced. We were both unsure but at the same time we felt we belonged with each other. For me I kept asking God and I sensed His guidance with each question. Once we were married Junior taught me to pray for our marriage. He also taught me to pray for my ex. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to move past all the pain but daily I prayed my ex’s name. I also began praying for our marriage. I still do both and my struggles with my ex in my heart have taken me years to work through. Today I don’t hate him. My marriage is a prayer I say often too. God has blessed me with peace and pricks my heart as to what Junior needs. My biggest fear today is walking away from God unintentionally. So I pray this too, “please help me to stay focused on You, Lord.” May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet