October 30 2014

October 30 2014 Greetings My Friend, I went on a journey to learn what “pouring on of oil” means in the Bible. I learned a few things so I will share. I liked Joyce Meyer’s explanation of “smearing it on” Covering your body with oil. Next I heard another Minister teach about the heavy burdens we have on our shoulders. He used the example of a yoke, a heavy chain being carried around and the burden it is. When we allow Jesus to lift the yoke off of us I was able to visualize the tension being released. My thoughts are going a mile a minute so I take a break, eat lunch and I tell Junior about my journey I’m about learning what anointing is. He reminds me that usually two animals are yoked together. They each learn to balance the weight of the work so neither one is doing more work than the other and together they are accomplishing a heavy load. With this picture I can see how turning to Jesus and allowing Him to direct my path how much more able I am to face the struggles in life. Prior to my faith journey each day, each moment seemed like walking in cement that was quickly drying. I used to have a recurring nightmare in my younger years prior to my divorce. In this nightmare I was climbing a mountain I had a rope tied to my waist and I’d climb up a few feet stop and pull on the rope. At the other end of the rope was either my Dad or my ex. I would go stop and go again I was exhausted. I felt like I’d learn something only to be bogged down by the end of the rope and a heaviness that was unbearable. I used to ask Junior “how do you know when you are in God’s will?” Poor man has put up with so many of my questions but he is patient. He usually pointed me to read the Bible, maybe a passage he knew of. As I kept reading I found that I was feeling secure in my faith journey and I saw progress. I learned to see God’s approval in the blessings He bestowed upon me. I learned that blessings from God are not the world’s signs of good things. To me I found peace sitting out on the porch watching butterflies and hummingbirds. I found blessings from Junior as he treated me with respect and listened to my thoughts. Blessing are precious. I also was learning to “hear” God’s voice of correction. As I kept hearing His correction I marveled that God did not pour out thunder and lightening on my life. He was gentle with me and patiently kept redirecting me until I got it. It was like the action we do with toddlers before they understand the word “no”. You pick them up and place them elsewhere to distract them from what you don’t want them to do. As I kept being redirected I found I was pleasing God and pleasing God became my goal in life. As I listened to anointing I started to see the Holy Spirit’s teaching, Jesus’ guiding hand and God’s love. Three in One is hard to grasp and I still can’t fully explain it but more and more I sense it in my being. When you are on a faith journey and walking with God you begin to “know that you know.” I may not have the whole idea of oil anointing absorbed yet but I am growing in my understanding. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 28 2014

October 28 2014 Greetings My Friend, Where does your peace come from. As I write it is Saturday. All the work on the house I wanted to get done this week has been accomplished. My time in the Bible this morning was a moment of growing deeper in my understanding of my faith. I talk with Junior as he comes in for a break about my thoughts and he adds more thoughts to mine. My heart wants to consistently reach out to the lost, the lonely, the hurting, those whose lifestyle is different than mine. I have felt the sting of being unacceptable throughout my life and after feeling the depth of love from Jesus I tend to desire to reach out to all people, the loveable and the unloveable both. Through the years I have gone from pro choice to pro life in my beliefs. I never had an abortion but had thought that given the right circumstances I would have. As I meet women who actually had an abortion I find a huge sadness a deep regret over their decision. I also know that a true confession to God, a true sense of wrong in a person’s heart and God will forgive them and then bring them comfort. In my heart I think if we all admit to it we’ve all have done some pretty harsh/wrong things in our lives. It is that moment though that you finally stop justifying the wrongs of your life and you admit them it is at that point you begin to truly heal. In essence it is admitting your “sin” and then telling God or confessing it that you can truly begin to walk away from the burdens of your heart. Some people cave into the desires of the body and have sex outside of marriage in an act of adultery or even before marriage. For me giving my body away before marriage seemed to be the thing to do. I found many reasons to justify it from being so lonely to finding out the strange practices a partner may desire. As I learned that God truly wanted my best I found myself feeling incomplete and I even saw how I was not trusting God to bring the right mate to me. As I learned this I asked God to forgive me and I believe He has forgiven me. God also doesn’t want me to go around carrying that guilt for the rest of my life. I need to face the wrong, confess and then move on. My goal as I confess is to begin to ask God to help me not crave those things which really are bad for me. Today as a thought tries to break through I know that if I ask God to take the thought away He will. I could be upset with the disabilities I now deal with or I can thank God. In thanking God and confessing my fears to Him I begin to have peace about them. I find ways to cope with them and something strange and new is happening to me. I am more creative than I have ever been. Due to my disabilities I have to rethink how to do things. I need a cane to walk with anymore. We have an electric car and I can start it while I wait for Junior with my cane. I can reach my cane over to the other side and roll down all the windows I may want to put down. As I do stretching and balancing exercises I find my balance is unstable but if I reach out and hold onto a chair or something stable I can balance. In doing this I feel I am strengthening my agility and I am not falling like I was. Same goes with essential oils I am using them for a lot of my COPD and anxiety. Lavender on my feet at night is bringing me to a sounder sleep. Evening Primrose is giving me more energy and an ability to concentrate better. Taking vitamin c regularly helps me not get as sick. Eating less processed food is also helping me stay healthy. As I strive to be healthy in all areas of my life I find learning God’s ways to be the most helpful. I have a desire to keep my body healthy for God. I find if I would be ashamed of my husband knowing some of my thoughts then I’d be even more ashamed if God knew and God knows all things so now I try hard to not to take my thoughts to those places anymore. The end result is I am learning to be the same at home in private and out in public. These days I don’t get embarrassed over things I’ve said or done because I am staying the same inside and out. Lately the “WWJD” has become my motto in life, my guideline and in that I find “I am a new creation in Christ.” May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 25 2014

October 25 2014 Greetings My Friend, Fatigue is my “norm” right now. I don’t know where it came from but these days I live with it knowing I will have some energy in a little while. I fell asleep again this morning after reading my Bible and during my prayers. This used to upset me but today I roll with it. I now understand that I will have these days and there will be days I will feel very active. My headaches from Chiari Malformation are still here but by being proactive I am keeping them at bay and the straining or coughing and sneezing headaches are not as fierce. Coffee in the morning helps. Inhalers help with the coughing so the headaches aren’t as often also. After writing my blog I will eat lunch. I will begin the housework routines I have gotten into place finally. I will jump on the elliptical and even strive to do some stretches. I’ve started looking at my balance issues and my illness much the same way I look at exercise. I may have a new problem but I will work it out so that I am able to do more as I am able. Stretching and balance routines tend to find me losing my balance. Today I’ve learned to hang onto a sturdy object like a chair and do the balance. It works and I am building muscle and stamina which means I am more active. We live in the mountains and our property is rather hilly. I have stopped going out to check on Junior’s work progress because I am unsure of navigating my way around. I found a sturdy walking stick and I walked the property. Now I’d like to walk the property and navigate some of the dips and valleys. As I gain confidence with more stable parts I believe I should be able to work my way through some of the harder spots. That is my theory. When I view my disability in the context of exercise I find that I am not so overwhelmed with it. It is here to stay but if I can learn to do a bit more then I believe I will be able to do more than if I gave into it. Using essential oils like peppermint and eucalyptus helps calm my COPD so I use it daily. Lavender on my feet at night is giving me a more steady restful night. I still have moments of waking up but these days a trip to the recliner and a easy going TV program finds me falling right back to sleep. If I stay in bed I tend to wake up more so. Today it is noon before I am finding my brain functioning and my feet willing to move and that is okay. Junior understands these days better as well. He is learning when I can’t I can’t and when I can I get up and move. His positive comments help propel me into action. His quiet understanding comments help me to sit when I can’t and not berate myself. When the energy comes he knows I will do what I can. Junior is hoping that within the next year he should be fairly much done with the heavy renovating and we can start our project of refurbishing furniture to sell at yard sales and such. Knowing Junior my guess it could be two years but at least there seems to be an end in sight and that is exciting to me. Learning to live within my capabilities has taught me to enjoy life right where I am at. I am thankful for all I do have and I learn to accept what I don’t. God is good. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 23 2014

October 23 2014 Greetings My Friend, There seems to a crazy cycle in dysfunction/abuse. Towards the end of my former marriage I had started to see “the crazy cycle” building, blowing up and then quiet down only to repeat itself again and again. The more I saw this cycle in action the more I wanted to move away from it. For me it took counseling, a faith walk and relationship building classes before I could walk away completely. In this marriage we have a cycle that is orderly like the crazy cycle only it isn’t that crazy anger cycle I lived in. Today Junior and I definitely have a cycle of trying to learn what the other person likes, needs to feel safe and we strive to meet that need. No one had ever waited on Junior any amount prior to meeting me. I am the type that will go get a drink for him, to bring him a snack etc. I like doing it because he is grateful and accepts this gift I give with love. He will also bring me things if he is getting something. The more he is grateful and the more he brings me things the more I want to do the same for him. I am not good at taking caustic comments to heart. I rebell actually when I am confronted with caustic comments. My attitude is “fine, I won’t….” whatever. If kind and gentle words are given to me then I respond with a more positive attitude. I don’t even realize I respond either way, it is that ingrained in me. Junior learned early on to speak gentleness and kindness to me and he gets so much more from me. This time around I also have learned to say “stop that.” Junior did not understand my lack and I myself could not understand why I couldn’t move. Today I know it is Chronic Fatigue but for a while we did not understand. He felt he needed to honest and upfront with me about my lack. He would tell me that he thought I was being lazy. I took it for a while and found myself resenting his comments. Because Junior will let me tell him to “stop” I am able to say it and he will. As I kept working my way into any type of energy I learned that Chronic Fatigue is a symptom of Chiari Malformation. He became my encourager again. We learned what we could and I began getting medication, using supplements and essential oils. Today I have a measure of energy. We also know by the end of the week I will wear down. Saturday’s I am still moving about and at some point I will sit and not go anymore. Sunday after church is my rest time and I sleep most afternoons. We know this about me now and Junior tries to leave time in our schedule so I can do these things. I too have learned Junior’s areas where he needs to have time for a nap, to slow down on his renovating and such. Yesterday and today he is very sleepy. I am sure part of his tiredness is the sleepy cool rainy days we have been getting. I myself have been on the sleepier side. I know to let him sleep and to not ask for a lot out of him. He also likes to do some things around the house to keep it in order. For him when he is unable to do his regular work these things give him something to do so he feels useful. Our blackboard has been such a big help. At first I’d mention things over and over. He felt I was nagging which was not my intention. Now I write down projects on the blackboard. He sees the list and works it in around his daily work. When he finishes a project he erases it off the board. I also make my lists on the board. Junior’s are on one side & mine are on the other. I need the lists in order to get myself focused. I also love when I erase a project off the board. To me I sense that I have accomplished something. I like the crazy cycle of doing “good” for my spouse especially because he contributes to this cycle also. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 21 2014

October 21 2014 Greetings My Friend, I was talking to my cousin this morning and I realize that I’ve come to terms with what went on in my life and my past. I couldn’t get to where I am today without change and to change that means you have to try something different. The change was a very long process and I am still working to be better than I was yesterday. I realize I will be different in the future due to the changes I implement in my life. Many people think they know the “right” answers to all of life’s situations and frankly they don’t. We all have our journey and I believe as long as we strive to change and there is progress, even very minimal progress you are doing the best you can with what you have. I want people to understand that I did not mean to be argumentative, scream, lose my temper but the reality is I did. I did not like what I did, what was done and in a very slow process I began to work on changing my life. I believe that I made the most progress the minute I realized I could not do the changing all on my own, the moment that I admitted what I was doing wasn’t working and asked God to forgive me believing that is why Jesus died. At that point I no longer kind of walked away I began a hasty departure. God started addressing things I needed to deal with and then held my hand as I learned. I liken learning to the pendulum on a clock. It swings real far one way, then the other way and then it settles in the middle. God first loved us. When I allowed God to love me I learned how to love and what love looked like. Up to that point I loved the way I was loved in the past, the way my mind felt was loving and none of those really ever worked for me. The more I felt God’s love though the more I wanted to love the way God loves me. This has been the best. I am not so needy for attention, and love that I will say, do whatever I have to to get a speck of love these days. My love is secure and in that I have a confidence I never knew. God does not give up on me like I’ve been given up on most of my life. I have a past that isn’t pretty. That is okay because God has forgiven me. He doesn’t want me to stay in the deep pain and regurgitate the past anymore. I have moved on, I am trying and there isn’t anything I can do to change things so be in the present. With this new air of confidence I find new friends and I am not entering into dysfunctional relationships as I have had in the past. People accept me the way I am and I learn to love people the way they are. If people want to use me, to hurt me I am able to walk away. In the mix of all this I still grieve the junk I invited into my home, my children’s lives but I can’t change what happened so I move forward loving to the best of my ability knowing God loves me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 18 2014

October 18 2014 Greetings My Friend Junior and I went to the show this past weekend. We haven’t gone to the show in some time. Even though our dates are changing we do still try to have date time each week. We need time to reconnect as a couple to explore our lives and to plan for our future. After the windows were installed last week we walked around our kitchen and enclosed porch area talking about how we envision the renovation of this part of our home. As I set up the enclosed porch with a small table and some boxes to store items in I felt I was giving Junior a gift. He is giving me the gift of a home that fits our needs and our tastes. At one point in our lives I felt that dating met a dinner and a movie or a weekend trip someplace. The longer we are married I see that our dates have changed to special moment we share. Sometimes we share a trip to visit family and friends and that is awesome. Sometimes we go off on our own exploring the new part of the country we have moved to. Sometimes we watch a video and sometimes it is that daily moment where we come together to sit side by side and relax from some of our days work to talk. I enjoy knowing we will hook up throughout the day and it feels like a date to me. Another thing I have learned is to enter into Junior’s realm of enjoyment. Lately even a trip to Lowe’s is a date for us. In another lifetime I hated those trips with a passion. Today though I am thankful that Junior enters into the things I like shopping, taking pictures etc. so I feel a need to enter into his interests. Instead of fussing at Junior I shop alongside of him when we are picking out things he needs my input on. Other times I take a trip through the store walking every aisle looking at the girl stuff, rugs, cabinets, appliances and start to form ideas for our home I’d like Junior to incorporate. I walk each aisle for exercise. I have a buggy to hold onto and I last so much longer than just walking with my cane. I daydream as I walk through the store and when Junior is done I have enjoyed him, helped my body grow stronger and had the fun of dreaming. My thinking is once more turning to Agape love. The more I learn to demanding that my needs be met but start to seek Junior’s needs I find a sweet contentment. I find in some strange way that my needs are being met. I believe that Junior and I have started a circle of caring for each other that replaces the need for self interest on each of our parts. I learn too that we are more of a team also. That team feeling has been a long journey to fully comprehend and to do. Agape love helps us to reach this goal also. When we were first married we had to learn to be a “United Front” to our children, to our family and even in many of our business dealings for instance when we were making large purchases. When I have a need to insert too many of my ideas lately I’ve learned to take a walk while Junior does the negotiating. He likes to seal the deal and I mainly want the item so it is a good fit to let him negotiate these things. Junior lets me take the lead in regards to decorating, organizing and such. Lately we’ve fallen into the habit of writing lists out for all the things we do. We have learned to write a list to go grocery shopping, to have a list when we go to TN. for doctor’s appointments and while there the things we want to stop and get in that area of town. We’ve started keeping a list on our blackboard of projects we need to attend to. For me it takes the “reminding” out of our daily conversations and he isn’t feeling nagged. Today I found Junior wrote an item on that list and I heard him call to make an appointment he had wanted to make. Slowly I realize that dating is a consistent process. We need time to be away and to regroup. We need time to slow down at home and touch base with each other and in some small way it seems like we are dating each other a lot. Ma y God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 16 2014

October 16 2014 Greetings My Friend, My balance issues have made me learn to do things differently and there are some things I can’t do at all. Learning a new way to do things really changes my perspective on “the way I have always….” As I do balance stretches I hang onto something and I find I can do the stretch and the balance still. Fatigue and congestion have taught me to slow down a ton and to work at a more measured pace. Fatigue has taught me to make up meals for a few days at a time and that way we can eat good meals more often than not. Moving and all the confusion has taught me to accept chaos to work through chaos and one day I find I can do more than I dreamed possible even with my limitations in life. At this point I need to remember I have not done this with my own power and initiative. My strength comes from God. I strive to take time to stop and to listen. In that quiet I find so many answers to my day to day dilemmas. With old age and with two progressive diseases I realize that new struggles will come. I can let them overtake me and bring me down to the pit or I can turn to God and ask for His strength to see me through each new challenge. As I think I’ve overcome and moved forward I am finding some new aches and pains. At present they are not huge pains but they let me know they are there and if I am not careful they will strive to overpower me. My hope is Jesus so as these new ache and pains try to overwhelm me I know that I am not alone fighting a new battle. Arthritis, Chiari and osteoporosis are the culprits that are toying with me at present. I am not sure the exact name of what is making me ache but I feel it. My shoulders and neck are tightening up to the point of “ow” pain. I feel tenderness at the bone level on my vertebrae as it goes down from my neck and beyond my shoulders. The last annoying discomfort is my ankle tries to speak irritation to me. All of this at present is more like that dull headache, it is there, it is uncomfortable and it is annoying more than huge amounts of pain. Today I choose to ask God what I need to do and many times I hear Him speak to me. I use the resistance bands for my neck and shoulder issues. I shrug my shoulders way up to my ears and release. These will settle things for a period of time. When it gets a bit worse a short sit with a neck pillow has helped. So I work through the discomfort and very rarely I find myself taking medication. Essential oils and supplements also seem to keep things at bay so I learn what I can and do what I am able to. Exercise helps too. Morning quiet time teaches me to connect with God to “tell” Him my struggles and somehow I am able to let them go and when things get hard to bear I “hear” His advice on my heart. I’ve hit 5,000 steps and now my goal is 6,000 steps. I feel muscles in my triceps and I pick up the resistance bands the light weights again today. In all of this I find I can and I do. Thank you Jesus. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 14 2014

October 14 2014 Greetings My Friend, A message is heavy on my heart today. It is one that has played around the corners of my brain and today it seems to be begging to find its way into words. I feel it in a personal way and I feel it for others who are on the fringe of society as well. There is the “I’m saved and going to heaven and ‘you’ are not” crowd. They get all offended over a to me minor swear word or if my Christian language is not “perfect” or I don’t show up at church “all” the time. I don’t volunteer and do the work they feel is the work of the church. It could be I am working as unto the Lord but it isn’t the “prescribed” work within the church itself. The woman at the well was very unwanted in her day. She knew this and came to the well when the other women were done drawing water. She had been married 5 times and was living with a man. She met Jesus there not knowing who He was. He asked her to draw Him some water and from there she met our “Savior”. She was so excited she went to town and brought people back to meet Jesus. The woman caught in adultery is another undesirable person Jesus reached out to and gave “hope and love” to. Jesus reached out to Lepers, to the blind, to the demon possesed and again I wonder how “we” get that “air” of entitlement about us. Then I think Jesus, the King of the universe chose to leave the comfort of heaven, come to our world and even came into our world as we come into the world. I have been puzzling through this thought recently. He was conceived by the Holy Ghost and the Virgin Mary gave birth to Him. At this point I marvel. Jesus went through each stage of life we did that is until His death. He grew, felt and did day to day life just like we do. He learned to walk, to share His toys, to eat and the whole nine yards. The other thing I notice is Jesus could have come into our world powerful as the world sees power. He came in the power of love, really I believe He brought Agape love to us showing us how to seek each other’s highest good. A I grew in my faith I often marveled at God’s power. He parted the Red Sea. He made barren women have children, He made water pour forth out of rocks. His power is everywhere. The power that is mind boggling to me though is His power to love and that love is what changes the hardest of people to be Agape loving people. “What is man that God even notices him?” Lately I marvel as I ponder God’s creation on the hugeness and the smallest of His creation. It goes something like this there is the hummingbird and then the ostrich. There is the minnow and the whale. The mouse and an elephant and oh my! In each of those God has made the most perfect of inner working for the size of body He created. Of course as I expand this thought I think of a grain of sand and the galaxies that are infinite. If God has given this much attention to His creation then I see that “we are created in His image” and even the lowest of us matter to God. I am not to just receive God’s love and grace but I am called to me in loud words to “Go out into all the world” so that He will be known. That is where my thoughts took me today. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 11 2014

October 11 2014 Greetings My Friend, It sometimes seems like we will never be finished with the whole house renovation we took on when we bought this place. At first it bothered me. I wanted to see a finished product within months or the first year or two like I see on DIY programs. It has not been the case. My frustration took me to prayer, lots of prayer. I did not want to nag, I wanted order now and it bothered me to see Junior working so hard knowing his back was often in major pain. I was trying to “save” him from himself. We are four years into this project and my guess we may have as many years to go before each room will have been done over. I wanted to have an open house and invite friends, family, neighbors and church family to see the wonderful job Junior has done. I have wanted to host some holiday gatherings and the whole nine yards. I don’t know why I thought I could do all this but in my mind I thought I could. As God taught me to accept the slowness of the renovation work I began to relax and understand I was in no shape to be able to do all that my brain conjured up. In the process though I have worked slowly and steadily to where I am today. I have come to an acceptance of all is right and if Junior and I are the only ones that see and know the progress that is all right as well. We are the ones living here day to day. The renovations are geared towards us and our needs. We have thought long and hard about our older years and that is a major part of the process as well. The more my balance issues display themselves I’m glad we were forward thinking. I’ve learned that Junior will finish what he starts even if it takes years and I find peace with this too. In another lifetime projects would get to almost done and never see another day’s work. The image that comes to mind is new windows he put in and never ever put up the moulding. A rumor has it that the moulding is still not in and we’ve been divorced for 17 years. I struggled thinking Junior was going to do the same thing. He is not. He does work slow but he does a great job. Part of the slowness is he is teaching himself how to renovate which means he may take apart a job several times before it is done to his satisfaction. I have had to learn to accept Junior on a whole new level. I have encouraged him to take a week off here and there for him to regroup. He has taught himself to slow down as the week draws to a close and on Sunday’s he takes a long afternoon nap. Monday he seems refreshed and ready to go again. If we had hired contractors to do the brunt of the work Junior would still be seeking to do some sort of “work” to fill his days. As he slows down he now has a better idea of how he wants to “work” in the future. We explore projects like refurbishing furniture and such. He is enjoying it as I am too. Once more God teaches me that I may have an idea of what, how things should be but He knows the best for us. My heart fills with such joy at this home that I never want to move again if I can help it. I’ve never felt this secure. All this took place in chaos turned into organized chaos to life is definitely sweet. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 9 2014

October 9 2014 Greetings My Friend, My mind asks God “What do you want me to write today?” I stare out the window and look at the trees, the bird feeders and find my mind resting in the quiet. I think about quiet some more and I see how much my life has quieted down since my divorce 17 years ago. This too has been a process. I am ADHD so I like being active, my brain can go a mile a minute and I have liked being busy till I dropped. As I entered into marriage with Junior I started to see that a lot of my running in my other life was running away from stuff. I felt if I was not home a lot then there would be fewer arguments, that was not so. If I went to college, worked a full time job, volunteered and ran children to activities I felt maybe I’d be too busy to “look” at what truly was going on in the home. I felt afraid to face life on my own so I stayed in unhealthy situations instead. About now I think about being a survivor. Learning to be healthy has been a journey. I was not brought up in a healthy environment so how do I learn to be healthy. Actually what did healthy truly look like. I knew I did not like what I was in but I did not know what the other side was or even looked like. I started reading self help books, going into counseling, praying and ever so slowly I started to see what the “other side” looked like. I took a job where I had to make decisions and make a stand or I’d upset my co-workers. We had to stay until everyone was in balance at the end of the day. If I had accepted too many late requests that meant I’d be working at finishing up later and I’d face some very upset people. The word “no” began to take on a new meaning to me. As I began to use the word “no” and was rewarded with happy co-workers I began to feel safe in using it at home. I started seeing that life had boundaries and I had a right to boundaries. I started learning to assert myself. At first I’d go way off in the other direction but I had to go that far in order to learn what the middle was. Many times these forays meant that I made too strong of a choice as I related to those at home and it hurt them. That was not the intent but it is what happened. Slowly though I kept refining my choices and slowly I was not as drastic in the way I responded. I got out of all the anger and the more I met people that did not relate in anger I found that there were other ways to respond to life. I found people who genuinely laughed and that laughter was loving and not cruel. I started to feel safe. That was a brand new feeling for me. People started to see me as a survivor before I noticed it in me. The more people responded to me as a strong person the more I saw myself as strong. I kept growing and confidence gained a foothold in me. Today more people than not see me as a strong person a survivor. I have survived abuse, cancer, the rejection of family, friends and I am finally okay with where I am. I first felt God’s tender love. It was weird and wonderful at the same time. The more I felt God’s love the more I started to love the way God loves me. What a strange way to relate but it was wonderful. Today I strive to love others like God loves me and I find I feel a completeness I never knew before. I find as long as I am pleasing God I am good. Being overly busy is not so important anymore. I have days on end staying home and it feels awesome. I can go out into the world and I enjoy that too. Life is a balance and I’ve found that balance is God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 7 2014

October 7 2014 Greetings My Friend, I had a long conversation with my cousin yesterday. We did not meet until our 50’s on the phone and in person when I turned 60. Our fathers are brothers and Dad severed ties with the family early on. I love getting to know my cousin. I marvel at our similarities. We look like each other to some extent and we tend to come at life from the same thought process. I marvel. She is my encourager big time and came into my life when I needed to be encouraged. We both tend to be in ministry through social media. She has brought me up to speed on a few things so I am grateful for that as well. Our chat yesterday was no exception. My cousin’s format that she works best with is Twitter and mine is Face Book. As we talked she gave me an idea of how to use some of my writing on Facebook for Twitter. Today I went through a few of my recent posting and posted a line or two. That felt good because I had been wondering how to get this piece back up and running. I think that this will work into my day’s writing agenda. As we talk we find that our faith journeys began in earnest around the same time frame. She never went to church as a child, did not attend church as an adult and in the last few years was introduced to Jesus and is now on a faith journey. For me I knew about Jesus as a child. Our family was very involved in the life of our church. Our church family came to our rescue when we moved back to MI. after Dad had polio. I had always believed in God but to be honest that where my faith laid dormant until I was divorced and in so much pain I had no where else to turn. Again I marvel at how our life’s story has intertwined to the point that when we finally met we feel like we’ve known each other all along. Her brother was born with a birth defect that needed constant attention even to this day. My Dad had polio and I tended to be the caregiver for him in many ways. Even though my cousin is younger than her brother she often was helping care for him alongside of her parents. Since anger was a common factor in our Dad’s lives we both have worked through anger issues within our family structures. As we chat I marvel at our similarities and she says something like “it is in our genes” so just because we did not grow up near each other we arrived at where we are by default. We each have issues to work out with one or both of our parents. I can honestly say that I am not angry with either parent. My mother has been churning around in my thoughts and I have an indifference towards her. Part me totally respects and then a part of me is angry that she allowed things to happen and did not protect us. Yesterday as we talked I was able to move a smidgen from indifference towards compassion for my mother. I finally got how overwhelmed she was. Mom grew up in a home where she was the center of attention. Her family wasn’t rich but there was a comfortable home life financially so she did not go without much. Mom married Dad, Dad had a hard time finding work then he got polio and Mom was so very poor it overwhelmed her to no end. As the years went on she only could handle so much and a whole lot of things got left by the wayside. As I grieve the loss of relationship with my child I often wonder if she knows that I was overwhelmed by the life in our home. Only through counseling and a faith walk I have been able to be in more healthier relationships. So a good chunk of my childrens lives was lived in chaos much like the chaos I knew as a child. Feeling that moment of compassion truly helped me a ton. I am sure there are many more layers I need to work through but with God’s tender hand holding mine I will let go and let God lead, guide and direct my life. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 4 2014

October 4, 2014 Greetings My Friend, I hear the statistics again and realize that they were pretty much my story also. It generally takes a woman 7 tries before she actually will leave an abusive relationship. The woman believes the lies that she is not….attractive enough, capable of handling things on her own. Add to that the fear of poverty for me anyway. I quit work when I had my first child and went back to work after my 2nd child was in school. It is frightening wondering how to feed your children, clothe them and give them a roof over their head. These fears may seem silly but to the woman in the situation they are about as real as they can be. Many family members get tired of watching the woman waffle back and forth and it is understandable but the woman has to go through what she has to until she realizes that things won’t change…..ever. We start off thinking….”he will change, he won’t do it again” and when we look at his face he is so sorry that you truly believe he won’t. As the years go by the “I’m sorry’s and I won’t ever do that again” mean absolutely nothing to the woman. Many people don’t seem to see that the fun loving guy in public is not the same once the front door is closed. No one believes that he can be such a tyrant and leaving is so hard because he will stalk you, threaten you and make life as scary as when you lived in the same house. Unless someone comes alongside of the woman she struggles to leave even knowing there are shelters today aren’t all that assuring they will be safe. In my case I often heard “I’d never put up with…” That’s nice but I did not know how to make it stop. I resorted back with my anger that is what I knew throw something, say nasty comments and frankly that didn’t work. As my marriage ended and I told for the first time when all the junk was happening I got “Are you sure you really want to leave?” What I wanted to hear was “go for it, we are right here beside you.” One family took me in and then anyone and everyone tried to convince me the “he” had changed. Seventeen years later I still hear about how much “he has changed.” I don’t know why people are trying to convince me but frankly I’m not interested anymore. I don’t hate him, I don’t want to deal with him and that’s that. I started learning how to leave on my own one step at a time. I went back to school to get more education so I could get a better paying job. I went on and off because the chaos at home was such that I never knew if education or the safety of my children was needed. I went through counseling on and off but I began to learn how to deal with anger in more constructive ways. About the time I thought I could I had a child going out of control and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to deal with that child so I stayed some more. Twenty four years after we married we divorced. As I left that marriage I was able to support myself since the kids were fairly much raised by then. I began my faith journey and I learned to be in healthy relationships due all the counseling, prayers, retreats and the like. I did not repeat my first mistake which is what abused victims do. I left that lifestyle behind and to be honest I love my new boring life. Today I understand that I have very dysfunctional ideas of what marriage should be so I take this marriage to God all the time and ask Him to teach me to be the wife my husband needs. It works out just right and I feel completely safe, loved and wanted. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 2 2014

October 2 2014 Greetings My Friend, Sometimes we have to “move on” even if we don’t get the apology we think we deserve. The moving on isn’t easy but the apology will never come and you need to forgive even though you don’t want to. If you don’t you’re hurt and anger will begin to control you all the while the one that hurt you doesn’t even seem to notice the great pain they caused you. I’ve seen a saying like the above on and off recently on FaceBook and each time I see it I tend to “feel” this statement deep inside of me. The journey to forgiving the person, yourself can be a journey in of itself but it is a journey that must be taken in order to move on and into day to day life. Even though for the most part I have let it go every once in a while I want an acknowledgement from someone close and I learn that they may not have seen it the way I saw it or felt it the way I felt it also. They were there living the whole situation alongside of me but they saw from a different set of eyes, they were hurt in their own way as well. So I learn to own my part of their hurt, my hurt and to “let go let God.” Only in acknowledging my part and accepting the reality of what was, was can I truly move on. This acknowledgement is confession. The more I confess to God I find God teaching me that He wants my best and that means I have to “let go” even if I was right, wronged or even was the one who did a hurt. As I acknowledge this to God I start to understand what it means when He says “ I will forgive your sins as far as the east is from the west.” The two never meet and once I’ve acknowledged this infraction for that is what it really is I am able to move on and don’t have to keep relieving this pain. Another lesson I’ve learned is that forgiving doesn’t mean you pretend you were never hurt that isn’t healing that is denying and denying isn’t facing the situation head on. Just because I forgave doesn’t mean I have forgotten the deep hurt. I find for me anyway it means that when I begin to chew on the hurt I can ask God to help me walk out of that moment and He always has and always will. Forgiving also means I don’t have to allow someone to hurt me to hurt me and then they ask to be forgiven only to turn around and hurt me again. Forgiving may mean walking away and accepting the hurt but it does not mean you have to reenter the situation again. This last lesson took me a while to figure out. I was able to walk away through divorce but I had ties that kept me in contact since we had children and grandchildren together. Seeing my ex at family gatherings was taxing on me because he was Mr. Friendly and wanted to act as if we were best friends. I did not want to cause a scene so I swallowed a lot of junk. When God had us move to VA. I finally found peace. I did not have to enter into my ex’s game and I did not see him ever. When we go home to MI. these days he is not part of our visit. Other’s may see this as silly but to me it is not and I need to not enter into it. If they don’t understand then I need to forgive them for not understanding my discomfort and pain. These days I can relate to my children and grandchildren as an individual and that feels better. It is what it is. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet