October 23 2014

October 23 2014 Greetings My Friend, There seems to a crazy cycle in dysfunction/abuse. Towards the end of my former marriage I had started to see “the crazy cycle” building, blowing up and then quiet down only to repeat itself again and again. The more I saw this cycle in action the more I wanted to move away from it. For me it took counseling, a faith walk and relationship building classes before I could walk away completely. In this marriage we have a cycle that is orderly like the crazy cycle only it isn’t that crazy anger cycle I lived in. Today Junior and I definitely have a cycle of trying to learn what the other person likes, needs to feel safe and we strive to meet that need. No one had ever waited on Junior any amount prior to meeting me. I am the type that will go get a drink for him, to bring him a snack etc. I like doing it because he is grateful and accepts this gift I give with love. He will also bring me things if he is getting something. The more he is grateful and the more he brings me things the more I want to do the same for him. I am not good at taking caustic comments to heart. I rebell actually when I am confronted with caustic comments. My attitude is “fine, I won’t….” whatever. If kind and gentle words are given to me then I respond with a more positive attitude. I don’t even realize I respond either way, it is that ingrained in me. Junior learned early on to speak gentleness and kindness to me and he gets so much more from me. This time around I also have learned to say “stop that.” Junior did not understand my lack and I myself could not understand why I couldn’t move. Today I know it is Chronic Fatigue but for a while we did not understand. He felt he needed to honest and upfront with me about my lack. He would tell me that he thought I was being lazy. I took it for a while and found myself resenting his comments. Because Junior will let me tell him to “stop” I am able to say it and he will. As I kept working my way into any type of energy I learned that Chronic Fatigue is a symptom of Chiari Malformation. He became my encourager again. We learned what we could and I began getting medication, using supplements and essential oils. Today I have a measure of energy. We also know by the end of the week I will wear down. Saturday’s I am still moving about and at some point I will sit and not go anymore. Sunday after church is my rest time and I sleep most afternoons. We know this about me now and Junior tries to leave time in our schedule so I can do these things. I too have learned Junior’s areas where he needs to have time for a nap, to slow down on his renovating and such. Yesterday and today he is very sleepy. I am sure part of his tiredness is the sleepy cool rainy days we have been getting. I myself have been on the sleepier side. I know to let him sleep and to not ask for a lot out of him. He also likes to do some things around the house to keep it in order. For him when he is unable to do his regular work these things give him something to do so he feels useful. Our blackboard has been such a big help. At first I’d mention things over and over. He felt I was nagging which was not my intention. Now I write down projects on the blackboard. He sees the list and works it in around his daily work. When he finishes a project he erases it off the board. I also make my lists on the board. Junior’s are on one side & mine are on the other. I need the lists in order to get myself focused. I also love when I erase a project off the board. To me I sense that I have accomplished something. I like the crazy cycle of doing “good” for my spouse especially because he contributes to this cycle also. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet