October 21 2014

October 21 2014 Greetings My Friend, I was talking to my cousin this morning and I realize that I’ve come to terms with what went on in my life and my past. I couldn’t get to where I am today without change and to change that means you have to try something different. The change was a very long process and I am still working to be better than I was yesterday. I realize I will be different in the future due to the changes I implement in my life. Many people think they know the “right” answers to all of life’s situations and frankly they don’t. We all have our journey and I believe as long as we strive to change and there is progress, even very minimal progress you are doing the best you can with what you have. I want people to understand that I did not mean to be argumentative, scream, lose my temper but the reality is I did. I did not like what I did, what was done and in a very slow process I began to work on changing my life. I believe that I made the most progress the minute I realized I could not do the changing all on my own, the moment that I admitted what I was doing wasn’t working and asked God to forgive me believing that is why Jesus died. At that point I no longer kind of walked away I began a hasty departure. God started addressing things I needed to deal with and then held my hand as I learned. I liken learning to the pendulum on a clock. It swings real far one way, then the other way and then it settles in the middle. God first loved us. When I allowed God to love me I learned how to love and what love looked like. Up to that point I loved the way I was loved in the past, the way my mind felt was loving and none of those really ever worked for me. The more I felt God’s love though the more I wanted to love the way God loves me. This has been the best. I am not so needy for attention, and love that I will say, do whatever I have to to get a speck of love these days. My love is secure and in that I have a confidence I never knew. God does not give up on me like I’ve been given up on most of my life. I have a past that isn’t pretty. That is okay because God has forgiven me. He doesn’t want me to stay in the deep pain and regurgitate the past anymore. I have moved on, I am trying and there isn’t anything I can do to change things so be in the present. With this new air of confidence I find new friends and I am not entering into dysfunctional relationships as I have had in the past. People accept me the way I am and I learn to love people the way they are. If people want to use me, to hurt me I am able to walk away. In the mix of all this I still grieve the junk I invited into my home, my children’s lives but I can’t change what happened so I move forward loving to the best of my ability knowing God loves me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet