October 4 2014

October 4, 2014 Greetings My Friend, I hear the statistics again and realize that they were pretty much my story also. It generally takes a woman 7 tries before she actually will leave an abusive relationship. The woman believes the lies that she is not….attractive enough, capable of handling things on her own. Add to that the fear of poverty for me anyway. I quit work when I had my first child and went back to work after my 2nd child was in school. It is frightening wondering how to feed your children, clothe them and give them a roof over their head. These fears may seem silly but to the woman in the situation they are about as real as they can be. Many family members get tired of watching the woman waffle back and forth and it is understandable but the woman has to go through what she has to until she realizes that things won’t change…..ever. We start off thinking….”he will change, he won’t do it again” and when we look at his face he is so sorry that you truly believe he won’t. As the years go by the “I’m sorry’s and I won’t ever do that again” mean absolutely nothing to the woman. Many people don’t seem to see that the fun loving guy in public is not the same once the front door is closed. No one believes that he can be such a tyrant and leaving is so hard because he will stalk you, threaten you and make life as scary as when you lived in the same house. Unless someone comes alongside of the woman she struggles to leave even knowing there are shelters today aren’t all that assuring they will be safe. In my case I often heard “I’d never put up with…” That’s nice but I did not know how to make it stop. I resorted back with my anger that is what I knew throw something, say nasty comments and frankly that didn’t work. As my marriage ended and I told for the first time when all the junk was happening I got “Are you sure you really want to leave?” What I wanted to hear was “go for it, we are right here beside you.” One family took me in and then anyone and everyone tried to convince me the “he” had changed. Seventeen years later I still hear about how much “he has changed.” I don’t know why people are trying to convince me but frankly I’m not interested anymore. I don’t hate him, I don’t want to deal with him and that’s that. I started learning how to leave on my own one step at a time. I went back to school to get more education so I could get a better paying job. I went on and off because the chaos at home was such that I never knew if education or the safety of my children was needed. I went through counseling on and off but I began to learn how to deal with anger in more constructive ways. About the time I thought I could I had a child going out of control and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to deal with that child so I stayed some more. Twenty four years after we married we divorced. As I left that marriage I was able to support myself since the kids were fairly much raised by then. I began my faith journey and I learned to be in healthy relationships due all the counseling, prayers, retreats and the like. I did not repeat my first mistake which is what abused victims do. I left that lifestyle behind and to be honest I love my new boring life. Today I understand that I have very dysfunctional ideas of what marriage should be so I take this marriage to God all the time and ask Him to teach me to be the wife my husband needs. It works out just right and I feel completely safe, loved and wanted. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet