October 7 2014

October 7 2014 Greetings My Friend, I had a long conversation with my cousin yesterday. We did not meet until our 50’s on the phone and in person when I turned 60. Our fathers are brothers and Dad severed ties with the family early on. I love getting to know my cousin. I marvel at our similarities. We look like each other to some extent and we tend to come at life from the same thought process. I marvel. She is my encourager big time and came into my life when I needed to be encouraged. We both tend to be in ministry through social media. She has brought me up to speed on a few things so I am grateful for that as well. Our chat yesterday was no exception. My cousin’s format that she works best with is Twitter and mine is Face Book. As we talked she gave me an idea of how to use some of my writing on Facebook for Twitter. Today I went through a few of my recent posting and posted a line or two. That felt good because I had been wondering how to get this piece back up and running. I think that this will work into my day’s writing agenda. As we talk we find that our faith journeys began in earnest around the same time frame. She never went to church as a child, did not attend church as an adult and in the last few years was introduced to Jesus and is now on a faith journey. For me I knew about Jesus as a child. Our family was very involved in the life of our church. Our church family came to our rescue when we moved back to MI. after Dad had polio. I had always believed in God but to be honest that where my faith laid dormant until I was divorced and in so much pain I had no where else to turn. Again I marvel at how our life’s story has intertwined to the point that when we finally met we feel like we’ve known each other all along. Her brother was born with a birth defect that needed constant attention even to this day. My Dad had polio and I tended to be the caregiver for him in many ways. Even though my cousin is younger than her brother she often was helping care for him alongside of her parents. Since anger was a common factor in our Dad’s lives we both have worked through anger issues within our family structures. As we chat I marvel at our similarities and she says something like “it is in our genes” so just because we did not grow up near each other we arrived at where we are by default. We each have issues to work out with one or both of our parents. I can honestly say that I am not angry with either parent. My mother has been churning around in my thoughts and I have an indifference towards her. Part me totally respects and then a part of me is angry that she allowed things to happen and did not protect us. Yesterday as we talked I was able to move a smidgen from indifference towards compassion for my mother. I finally got how overwhelmed she was. Mom grew up in a home where she was the center of attention. Her family wasn’t rich but there was a comfortable home life financially so she did not go without much. Mom married Dad, Dad had a hard time finding work then he got polio and Mom was so very poor it overwhelmed her to no end. As the years went on she only could handle so much and a whole lot of things got left by the wayside. As I grieve the loss of relationship with my child I often wonder if she knows that I was overwhelmed by the life in our home. Only through counseling and a faith walk I have been able to be in more healthier relationships. So a good chunk of my childrens lives was lived in chaos much like the chaos I knew as a child. Feeling that moment of compassion truly helped me a ton. I am sure there are many more layers I need to work through but with God’s tender hand holding mine I will let go and let God lead, guide and direct my life. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet