October 9 2014

October 9 2014 Greetings My Friend, My mind asks God “What do you want me to write today?” I stare out the window and look at the trees, the bird feeders and find my mind resting in the quiet. I think about quiet some more and I see how much my life has quieted down since my divorce 17 years ago. This too has been a process. I am ADHD so I like being active, my brain can go a mile a minute and I have liked being busy till I dropped. As I entered into marriage with Junior I started to see that a lot of my running in my other life was running away from stuff. I felt if I was not home a lot then there would be fewer arguments, that was not so. If I went to college, worked a full time job, volunteered and ran children to activities I felt maybe I’d be too busy to “look” at what truly was going on in the home. I felt afraid to face life on my own so I stayed in unhealthy situations instead. About now I think about being a survivor. Learning to be healthy has been a journey. I was not brought up in a healthy environment so how do I learn to be healthy. Actually what did healthy truly look like. I knew I did not like what I was in but I did not know what the other side was or even looked like. I started reading self help books, going into counseling, praying and ever so slowly I started to see what the “other side” looked like. I took a job where I had to make decisions and make a stand or I’d upset my co-workers. We had to stay until everyone was in balance at the end of the day. If I had accepted too many late requests that meant I’d be working at finishing up later and I’d face some very upset people. The word “no” began to take on a new meaning to me. As I began to use the word “no” and was rewarded with happy co-workers I began to feel safe in using it at home. I started seeing that life had boundaries and I had a right to boundaries. I started learning to assert myself. At first I’d go way off in the other direction but I had to go that far in order to learn what the middle was. Many times these forays meant that I made too strong of a choice as I related to those at home and it hurt them. That was not the intent but it is what happened. Slowly though I kept refining my choices and slowly I was not as drastic in the way I responded. I got out of all the anger and the more I met people that did not relate in anger I found that there were other ways to respond to life. I found people who genuinely laughed and that laughter was loving and not cruel. I started to feel safe. That was a brand new feeling for me. People started to see me as a survivor before I noticed it in me. The more people responded to me as a strong person the more I saw myself as strong. I kept growing and confidence gained a foothold in me. Today more people than not see me as a strong person a survivor. I have survived abuse, cancer, the rejection of family, friends and I am finally okay with where I am. I first felt God’s tender love. It was weird and wonderful at the same time. The more I felt God’s love the more I started to love the way God loves me. What a strange way to relate but it was wonderful. Today I strive to love others like God loves me and I find I feel a completeness I never knew before. I find as long as I am pleasing God I am good. Being overly busy is not so important anymore. I have days on end staying home and it feels awesome. I can go out into the world and I enjoy that too. Life is a balance and I’ve found that balance is God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet