May 1 2014

May 1 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I have had quiet time, I've started a few chores with the sheets in the washer and had lunch. The day moves on. During my breaks I call P and check in on their trip they just came back from. I check out FB and find the prayer chain I joined has a few requests so I lift the requests up in prayer. I see some people with a struggle on FB so I pray for them.

Praying tends to take “me” out of the equation and puts my perspective on God and others. The more I learn to do this I find contentment residing in me.

My struggles tend to seem manageable and I find hope residing in me. As much as I'd like to make life about “me” the less I do make it about “me” and frankly I am happier.

I've joined a prayer chain where I don't know any of the people. It was a site suggested to me when I was involved with a support group on line. The group helped me through the last phases of my depression and has now broken up. The prayer chain though I've stayed in touch with.

We had a friend stay with us recently who has a child with mental struggles. I brought their concerns to my Sunday school class and asked for prayer for them. A day or so after he returned home he called and stated that the son is in the hospital undergoing an evaluation. I felt God heard the request. I felt that the parents are able to make decisions they must make.

When I first understood our need for Jesus and that we need to ask Him into our hearts confessing our sins I felt an urge to lift names of anybody and everybody I could think of up to God. I have that desire even now but I also realize that my brain can only focus on so many names.

At this point I tend to offer up a prayer as soon as I get a request. I for a long time wanted to wait till I was alone in my quiet time. To be honest I often forgot to pray. These days I offer it up as soon as I can in a silent prayer format. I'm not good at praying with people yet.

I'm finding the more I go to prayer the quieter my spirit tends to be. I am able to “hear” God and His direction. The more I read my Bible I also tend to “hear” God as well. I also find that my focus changes and I desire to be about God and His will for my life.

The new “me” is finding life to be awesome. All the myths I've bought into are slipping away. Being “old” has been a bit scary in the past. I saw that old people were in general very lonely and felt useless. I am not feeling that lonely and useless. I continue to seek God and His direction for my life and in that a “fullness” fills my being.

I have prayer time at night and as I wake up. That time is precious to me. Nightmares don't plague me much anymore. I no longer live through the abuse of a lifetime. I do go back there but these days a “popcorn” prayer of asking for helps tends to take the fear, the thought away. As I wake up some mornings I linger after I say “In Jesus Name Amen.” Sometimes I talk to God about little things longer. I have a desire to not leave yet and don't. It is nice.

I find that God does not tire of hearing the same thing over and over. He hears and then somehow He helps me move out of the struggle and soon I am not in the repeat pattern. God hears me then He points the direction I need to go into. As I enter into that direction I find I can handle the stress of life so much easier. I am not alone. That moves me a lot.

As I write I again see the “journey” part in my faith walk. I see that I am moving from where I was to where I am to where I am going.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 29 2014

April 29 2014

Greetings My Friend,

My regrouping has settled within me and today I look forward to tackling even more than I have been. My tiredness took over for a spell but now I am back to engaging more fully in life.

It is “hope” that once again fills my heart. The springtime also helps me move out of winter's dull drums. My biggest joy at present is something as simple as a pair of flip flops. Until last year I never wore them because the toe strap always hurt too much. I learned to wear cloth toe straps and now I am an avid flip flop person.

I have picked up several more pairs of flip flops and to be honest I am excited to put them on. As I ponder on this I realize that I have picked up a few Southern traits. I make chicken and dumplings often. I wear flip flops and I enjoy a glass of ice tea often. I don't like sugar in my ice tea though, so not Southern. They call it “Sweet Tea”.

We have been in VA for five years already. My time does fly. As Junior finishes his renovation work we begin to think about “new” things. I love the idea of finding old furniture and refinishing it. We have a couple of wardrobes to work on. We have a few end tables and even the idea of using door knobs for coat hangers appeals to us. I love that we are making plans for our future still.

I realize that Junior's renovation make take a few more years or not. He works at a pace that is his own. I still like planning for our future. I may start without him who knows. This gives my life the definition I need. We may or may not but for now I have something to strive for.

I think back to the older people in my life. Grandma and I often come to mind first, then I also see Mom. Grandma and IO were so lonely in many ways. Grandma's eyes always lit up when I walked in the door. She lived with Uncle B and Aunt P but she was lonely. They were good to her and did for her but Grandma's days were fullest when she was a wife and mother. Grandpa died young so Grandma's focus was on her children. She had a son at home when Grandpa died he was around 12. Mom married and started a family shortly after Grandpa died. Along came the grandchildren and Grandma loved them (me and my siblings and later Uncle B's children.)

Grandma had very few friends and went only where she could walk. Uncle B and Aunt P took her to appointments and what not. She lived for her family and when family was busy being family running children and such she was alone. Grandma did not want to go to my son's games and I was so torn between her and my son. If I had to do it over I would attend his game. I learned that lesson rather late.

IO was the same way. She had 7 children so children became her main focus in life. As they grew up she would watch the little ones from time to time. As the family would be busy doing the family things they do she was often alone. I saw her loneliness in her eyes.

So I grow old and strive to have a life of my own. I want more involvement than I have had but I have learned to enter into life as well. My dream of refinishing furniture, writing and keeping house fills me. I am excited as well when it is family time. Being divorced means sharing time as well. I don't have the relationship with my ex that makes sharing time with our children easy. It is what it is.

God keeps showing me that I have worth, He has a plan for me and in that life is full and awesome. I can't do all that I once did anymore. I move about at a slower pace but in that my days are full. God plants words on my heart and I write them. He plants desires in my heart and I strive to work at those desires. I can't fall back to those old comfortable things either. I can't see to cross stitch, crocheting does not hold my attention and my concentration for a long book is gone. At this point though I learn new things that make life fun and enjoyable.

Old age isn't scary like it once was. I relish these years a lot. There may be a day where I sleep more than I am awake and I am unable to do much that is OK I've learned that God will teach me to use those days as well.

What is your goal in life? Mine is God and His will for me. It works out rather nicely when I give all of me to God.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 26 2014

Junior seems to be more focused on our kitchen these days and the hope is he will have it done by fall. If that is the case then I would love to host some of the winter holidays. He plans on making a wheel chair ramp and that means a friend who uses a scooter will have a way to get into our house. The ramp will also be there for the day we may need it for our own use as well.

A finished kitchen would mean I may begin baking again. My nephew commented that he is making up a few meals at a time and then he can heat them up throughout the week. I have had that thought as well. With more counter space and a more organized kitchen I see the potential.

We still have other areas that need to be renovated but the main areas of our home will be done. I long for a master bedroom with a bathroom suite but if it takes a few more years that is easier to deal with. Junior also wants to take another wall down in the TV area which will open up the enclosed porch he built when we first moved in. We also have an idea of re-doing our current bathroom. We'd like to shorten the shower area so we could move the sink to that side of the bathroom which would open up more space in this tiny bathroom. Again that is years down the road

 

May the Lord bless you and keep you make His face shine on you

 

Love

 

Janet

April 22 2014

April 22 2014

Greetings My Friend,

A Marine Corps buddy has come into town for a visit with Junior and I. The boys took off exploring and I am at home getting things in order and doing my day. The friend looks tired so we are glad he has come.

I had two doctor appointments yesterday. One was a follow up after the scope and the other was to see if I needed to have therapy for a swallowing problem. Both turned out well.

I was wore out when we got home and did next to nothing the rest of the day. Thank goodness for crock pots because food was made and we just heated it up. Our friend showed up late in the evening and we visited with him for a while before we called it a night.

We moved Mindy and her little one to the TV area this morning. They seem to be doing good there so they will stay. Our friend now has a bedroom without little fur children although he tends to sleep in a recliner.

I marvel at what we tend to go through in life and the people we become. Junior and I were raised in major dysfunction as was his friend. Our kids are not impressed with what we have over come and how we have handled our lives. At this point though we know and accept the fact that we did the best we could. We don't seem to need approval from others anymore.

It has been a journey but I have arrived. God is the only way I could handle this crazy journey I've been on. He seems to be proud of me and frankly that is all that matters anymore. I can't make people see what they don't want to see.

There seems to be a point where we stop and look over our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life. We learn to accept all of it and then we enter into the remaining years we have left. I find that if God is happy with me then I don't need to beat myself up over what was.

Life is short. As a young person it felt like it went on forever but these days I see how short life is. As I see how short it is then I tend to want to make the best of the rest of my life. I can't change the past. I can live in the present and that is what I am choosing to do.

I strive to start over each new day. As I continue to look forward I tend to make changes and like the changes I am making (with God's direction of course.) I am a child of the King plays out in my thoughts again. I find a joy in that thought.

Sometimes I begin to contemplate eternity. It is for ever and ever. A passage reads something to the effect of “no more pain, no more sorrow.” I can't imagine a life that has no ups and downs to the rhythm of life. I tend to relish the thought but I can't imagine what that type of life is like.

Next I can't wrap my thoughts around for ever and ever. Life has always had a beginning, a middle and an end to all of its situations. Having no end tends to baffle me. Having no pain and sorrow tends to seem strange and I wonder over and over what will heaven be like with a quiet measure of day in and day out calm.

Junior and I live that type of life at present. We haven't always lived without drama but we have settled into doing our days one at a time without drama. I love it and I tell him often how much I love this “boring” life. I love the predictable rhythm we have. I love that arguing is not a major constant in our lives.

I love accepting Junior warts and all and I love being loved warts and all. I love asking God to open my eyes to Junior when I come up against something I don't know how to deal with. God has always shown me how to move past that point and back into enjoying Junior for who he is.

We have very few visitors. That's OK. We love where we are, the beautiful views that are our everyday. We love this 90 year old home we have and relish it. We love our animals beyond measure. We attempt to take God out with us as we go around town, on trips and such. At home we strive to draw as close to God as we can and frankly life is sweet.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 19 2014

April 19 2014

Greetings My Friend,

The news from the neurologist was good news. She could find nothing to cause alarm with my balance issues. She noticed that I have improved since the last visit. We believe having the house in order more so has helped me to learn to deal with my balance issues. I still need the cane but I am not stumbling near as much.

My doctor loved my comment, “ I believe having the house more in order has allowed me to acclimate to my balance issues.” As I walked across the room without my cane she was impressed. I still walked with a bit of hesitation but I moved about the room fairly well.

At this point the Doctor wants to check on me throughout the year but beyond that we deal with balance issues believing that at present this is the extent of the problems. My Chi aria malformation birth defect is real mild. Life is good.

I mentioned to my Doctor that I thought getting a WII system might help me with my balance issues as well. She agreed so we went off and bought a used WII system. Along with walking I plan on using the WII system.

Today I will hang around the house and clean. I am thinking about making some cheese soup as well. Tomorrow will be a run day with two doctor appointments. One is a follow up from the scope, the other is to check out my swallowing to see if there is a problem there. Slowly but surely we work through each struggle and in due time things tend to settle down.

Next week I have the pulmonary function test and that should be it for a while. The closer I get to this test I truly believe I do have some sort of lung issue. I have been told that I can more than likely walk for a half hour straight without stopping with the aid of inhaler. I am excited to see if this is true. Time will tell.

Grandma was able to walk around town well into her 80's and frankly I hope I can as well. Walking has always settled me and helped me to stay somewhat in shape. I miss my walks. Out here I love the country lane, the hills and the trees. I always find a deep peace as I wander along the road with our dogs in tow.

Most nights anymore I find myself saying “Thank you” to God as I fall asleep. I am so thankful that a life time of stress has left me. I do have my struggles but these days I don't feel so alone and scared. I am content in my own skin and I am not trying to figure out how to “be.”

Junior has encouraged some of my decorating ideas that I have felt unsure of. I wanted a lace valance for the front glass door. The sun comes in and blinds us so I wanted to hang a curtain. We did and we love it. I fretted that it may not look right and did not have enough courage to believe it would look good. He followed through and again we love the look. The lace is sheer enough to show off the pretty glass but heavy enough to keep the sun from blinding us.

Next I wanted to hang shelf liner on the windows in the bathroom and bedroom. I wanted privacy but not the darkness blinds had. Junior hung the bathroom window with the shelf liner and we liked it. We found some lace at a thrift store and glued that on the window underneath the sheers. Yup it looks great. We have privacy and the room isn't as dark.

God continues to grow me. I love it. I continue to gain more confidence in myself. It isn't me doing the work but God. My heart continues to lean on God and as I do I keep meeting a “new me.” It is awesome.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love Janet.

April 17 2014

April 18 2014

Greetings My Friend,

It seemed to take Junior a lifetime to “get” that I stumble over the littlest of things but he has got it now. At present the shed he made is finished and I see things that cluttered the porch leaving. It upset him the last time I tripped over my own foot and he has been on a mission to make my life clutter free.

I find that sometimes it takes a bit of learning and growing to understand my husband. I try very hard but I must admit some things don't register. I feel that is the clutter lesson Junior has learned.

Up until recently I have not stumbled like I do now. It has not been a problem to maneuver around things. Now it is. As he watched me stumble over a little something on the porch it seemed to register that I could not deal with clutter anymore. Well I've never liked clutter but now it creates a new problem for me.

As life is more clutter free I am not stumbling as often as well. Sometimes I walk through the house grabbing onto things as I walk around. I don't use my cane in the house because there is something close at hand to grab onto. As I have fewer days where I stumble I feel more secure.

This week I go to see the neurologist to learn more about my balance issues. I see the surgeon for a check up after the scope. Next week I see my family doctor and have a pulmonary function test. As I struggled up the hill this morning I prayed that soon I will be able to walk up the hill, walk down the road and back again with the aid of some sort of medication. We will see.

I hear Junior in the kitchen banging gently the dishes he is washing. He is taking a break from the outside work. I have picked up a bit and at present I am sitting gaining some energy to do more in a bit. Retirement teaches us to work as we can. It has been a hard lesson for me to learn but I now have it.

One of the things I learned as a newly re-married was that generally my spouse wants my best just as I wanted his best. When I viewed life in this way I realized that Junior did not want me to struggle or to make things hard just to make them hard on me. As I absorbed this lesson I found I did not get angry over his “lack” at times. I began to understand that there were moments he truly did not understand my need and the same with me for him.

These days I go to prayer more often and as I do I begin to open my eyes to Junior's thought process better. I tend to find a caring person trying to figure out how to live beside me not a person trying to annoy me to no end for no reason.

With my last stumble Junior learned to see “clutter” as he has never seen clutter before. Prior to this I could not seem to get him on my page as far as what clutter was to me. Now he gets it better.

At this point I am thankful that we don't fight over each tiny detail in our lives. My days of fighting are truly over with. God continues to teach me to accept Junior as the man he is and allows me to love him despite his annoying traits.

Sometimes we are tired and will be less patient with each other. Sometimes we truly don't understand the need but in learning to accept each other we begin to grow closer. It is God teaching us.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 15 2014

May 16 2014

Greetings My Friend,

MB is here. Yesterday we both found ourselves sleeping on and off all day. That 10 hr. drive is a long hard drive. Today we both seem to be awake and energetic. Tomorrow is Sunday and there is a pot luck after church so today we will make cocoa no bakes.

We've gone for our walk up that killer hill and back. Today we made it to the first house over the hill. I used the inhaler before taking off and went a tad bit further. I may have the program down as to what I need to do with the as needed inhaler. I take the maintenance inhaler when I first get up so my lungs should be in decent order by the time I take my walk.

I can see MB unwinding and I am happy for her. I am enjoying her stay as much as she seems to be enjoying her stay. I wish she could come for longer visits and maybe once she is retired we may be able to visit longer.

I am thinking about friendships today. Little Sister was on FB being silly and I joined in on the fun. I am glad that we have worked passed some of our confusing moments. We will never be real close, we live two totally different life styles but at this point we can be friends.

As my emotional health went south and we moved I found some friendships going by the wayside. Two of these friendships were long standing friendships and then I was struggling to get my footing on stable ground again. It hurt as these people left my life.

One by one my doctor and I are working through my struggles and one by one I am coming back to my “old self” again. MB has hung with me through my stressful moments. M has hung with me at my worst and of course Junior has stayed right beside me.

My emotions were way out of whack for several years. I tried counseling and could not move past the pain of the past. It had worked for years but this time it was not working. I asked about an anti anxiety medication and since going on it I have turned around. Life is a joy. My old fears are in the past and tend to stay in the past. I still find myself having those old conversations in my mind but today I ask God to take the thought away and the thought disappears rather quickly. Some days I don't even have those thoughts at all.

As my doctor has had me take medication for COPD, sleep apnea with CPAP machine, gotten my GERDS under control and such I am able to process life again. Junior getting rid of the clutter so I can move about easier has been helpful as well.

These days I feel like my “old self” again. I am moving about slower but the attitude is definitely “me” again. Even the house is looking like the house I've kept and decorated through the years. In all of this I find a deeper contentment.

I believe that God has walked beside me throughout these struggles. At the right time He pointed my doctor to the right medication and such. It has been a struggle but now I am living day to day and in the moment.

My life is full of work which is writing, keeping house and watching after Junior. I have found ministry in the day to day things and I love the thought that I am being used by God.

Retirement is finally on track to what I had hoped it would be. It has been a process but now the process is reality and I love it. None of my contentment is what I have done but what God has done in me. That is an awesome feeling.

Do you know true peace? Is it Jesus?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 12 2014

April 12 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I have a plan. I've been sick with Bronchitis all week so my get up and go got up and went. Today I am almost back to normal again. The thought is to sweep the floors. The thought of doing them all in one session seems a bit overbearing so the plan is to do one room at a time.

I went for a walk outside with the fur children and only made it most of the way up the hill. My wonderment is if I get some sort of inhaler or such will I once more be able to walk further? I almost hope I get one and I can walk again as I have in years past.

My pulmonary function test is still a couple of weeks away so I wait and see. As the date draws nearer I tend to think that I might truly have some sort of lung issue. I love walking and have walked for most of my life. This not being able to take off for a walk is discouraging at best.

I need to bathe Daisy as well. She is dirtier than I generally let her get but being sick played havoc with washing her. It is what it is. I will put another outfit on her and then pull her hair in a top notch with a matching hair band.

Mindy is coming to sit with me more again. She is leaving her babies for longer periods of time these days. I love watching the maternal instinct in my animals. If she hears them squeaking she will go to them right away.

One of the first things I learned as a retired person was “how in the world did I ever get anything done?” I get it most days now. How did I go to school, raise two children, was a wife, volunteer and even more? These days I know I could not keep that pace up if I tried too.

Junior took off to Kingsport for a doctor's appointment yesterday. His appointment was early and I was not able to be up to go with him. I made the most of my day at home. This house is so comfortable that I love staying around in it. I did find when he walked back in the door late in the afternoon that I was glad to see him and I did miss him.

On the other hand I also know that time apart is good for us from time to time. For me I was still hardly moving about. I washed the bed sheets and that was all I could do wash them and put them back on the bed. It was a start though. I could not have handled shopping at all so it worked out.

Today I am moving about more so. Slowly but I am doing more. At this point each day will see me gaining steam again. I thank God for walking me through this illness again.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 10 2014

April 10 2014

Greetings My Friend,

“This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” I keep thinking on this passage as I struggle to breathe. I am overcoming bronchitis and at this point I am gaining energy again.

In the midst of discomfort I attempt to see the “good” in my life. I'd rather focus on the not so good and bemoan the fact that I feel like crud. Instead I focus on “This is the day the Lord has made.” Complaining comes naturally to me. I love to tell anyone in ear shot how bad I feel. I like to get whiny and pitiful. Even though I've walked away from drama I find myself willing to pull it back out from time to time.

I have also learned to sit in my chair and be quiet. I watch TV, get on the computer and move about as I am able. My list of “to do's” go by the wayside. From time to time I put my head over a pot of steaming water which I feel almost right away opening up my lungs.

The more I work at not whining the more I feel like I will live and move past this discomfort so I quit the whining. I give up on the drama once more. It does no good. The less I complain the more I feel like there will be an end to this latest struggle. There will be a brighter day.

I believe that attitude is so important. It took me forever to learn how to adjust my attitude at the same time. With prayer I am able to focus on the good of whatever struggle I am encountering. When I can see some good I tend to move past the struggle easier.

I have also learned to let go of the past that hurt so much. It took years of training but these days I tend to see the past as just that the past. I don't have to stay there anymore and no one has a right to hurt me.

As I learn to let go of the past I also learn to love the present moment. I marvel that I am in a good marriage. I marvel that anger does not have to rule me or my relationship. I marvel that I don't have to be poor for the rest of my life. I also marvel that money does not buy me everything.

A faith journey for me has been to learn to trust. I trust Junior, my friends, my church family and the list goes on. I am not constantly worried that someone is out to hurt me anymore. I don't have to develop a demeanor of meanness just to keep mean people from me.

As I began my journey I wanted to love people I did not want to be a witch to everyone I met. Loving does mean that at times I will be hurt but I don't want to strike back out of fear.

God has helped me move past fear, anger and distrust. I turn to God when I am unsure of a situation. I continue to learn to lean on God for all things and as I do I find myself being in the moment and staying in the moment.

Living in the moment, loving the moment and staying in the moment is an awesome gift from God.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 8 2014

April 8 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Last night was a special night. I had three friends call me and chat for a long time. I loved it. It has been a while since our phone has been that busy. I don't mind not getting on the phone like I used to but having time to visit with friends definitely was precious.

Each call had a dimension all of its own which was nice as well. One call was about a health issue I am going through. The friend has just gone through the same thing and she was able to give me an idea of what to expect. As I get a new diagnosis I like to have a general idea of what I will need to do and deal with.

The second call was from a niece who is thinking about settling in VA. It will be a process of a few years but we talked about the things she needs to do to make the move happen. We also talked about her moving to our property and putting up a home. We walked through some thoughts and now the men in our lives need to be involved in this discussion.

Lastly a friend called back from a call I placed the day before. I had called with a question. In the meantime I found the answer so we chatted and caught up on what has been going on this week. It too was fun.

This morning another friend was on FB and I asked her to call. She did and as you can imagine this girl is one content little puppy. This friend is on medical so I tend to call her once a week at work and talk for a short time. She understands me and I am often amazed that she gets my humor.

To say life feels full and comfortable right now is putting it mildly. I also don't get upset that life tends to not be filled with the busyness of years gone by. I don't get out like I used to and hang out. Today life is way slower and frankly I love it. It has been a process of learning to like being slowed down. These days I love it.

Junior and I had a run around town day yesterday. It started with a hair cut and then a stop by Kmart's since they are going out of business out here. We picked up some great deals and enjoyed that a ton. Next was a Lowe's run. I can only take so much of Lowe's but I know Junior loves his time here so I've gotten to where I walk the outside aisles of the store for exercise. I often find things that we may want to look into getting down the road so we share that moment and it is done. I had Daisy and she got lot's of attention and this Momma was thrilled.

If I want Junior to join me in my likes then I find it helpful to enter into the things he likes to do. I realize I have a short attention span so I try to fill my short attention span so that Junior can enjoy his time without me wanting to move on. Sometimes at home I am ready before he is. I can get a little too pushy about leaving. Many times these days I tend to turn on the TV for a few minutes while he finishes what he is doing. In the car I can get too talkative so my smart phone comes in handy. I check out FB and e-mail often which means my mouth is not running and Junior doesn't have to process a lot of chatter. He likes periods of quiet time.

Since I have retired I have been on a journey to understanding what makes “me” me. I have also had to understand life in an older body. These past few years have been a struggle and a huge learning process for me. In the learning process I finally have a picture of “who I am” and how I relate to my world.

As a child I was an introvert. In my former marriage I was an introvert. These days I am not. I love being silly and getting people to giggle at my antics. I love being Daisy's Mom and sharing her with others. I am on the look out also for ways to share my faith. I attempt to share it so that it is a natural flow of conversation.

“I once was lost but now am found” is a theme I ponder on often. Prior to my faith journey I was always seeking and looking and never finding. These days I am comfortable in my own skin. I like the person I am. Our life is not full of drama and arguing. We do from time to time disagree with each other but it doesn't tend to derail our lives much.

I have always loved having company. I loved hosting family get togethers. For a good portion of my adult life I had a stream of people coming and visiting us and I also visited others. Out here people are busy keeping up the property and a work life and such. The visiting is not like it was in an urban area.

I find myself enjoying life more so out here. I see people as I run about doing errands, go to church and such. I also like that I don't need to be on the go like I used to. My body can't so that too helps me stay still more often. I have also learned the art of doing a little here and there throughout the day.

As I sit here I look up and see a fairly picked up home and I love it. I am able to stay on top of things these days. I had always thought that retirement was going to be easier than it has been. I did not lose sight of my “hope” though. Somehow I knew that I would find that medium ground and I would be able to enjoy my older years. That day is now.

I also sense God's direction in my life. The move to VA truly puzzled me. I was not unhappy in MI well not real unhappy. I struggled with some ex issues and children issues but over all I was I thought fairly content. Then God implanted the idea of a major move to another state on our hearts. The move has had its share of struggles. Five years later though I am ever grateful for the move. I love where we are at. The house is awesome even though it has a lot of renovating to do yet. I have learned to live through chaos. I have come back to the organized woman I have always been. I have learned to walk away from organization and found that I will live.

Junior now understands my need to be organized. It is not to drive him crazy but a need I have to function due to my over active mind. Junior has decided I am not a cry baby as well. After I fell and broke my vertebrae he discovered that I do have a pain tolerance. He has also learned that I need to say out loud how I feel and if given that chance I quiet down. I don't deal with my pain in silence like he can do.

I believe all of these struggles have brought us closer together emotionally as well. I also know that he loves me deeply. I see it in the way he renovates each area of the house. He is making it fit our needs. He also likes my style of decorating and works at that in the renovating process. I now have half of the house fashioned in the way we like it. I am able to function and move about better. I also know that we may be years from finishing all the work he wants to do but I now have the order I need to function.

Listening to God can be a challenge at times. It may not seem to make sense but the more I listen to God and enjoy the gifts He gives I find “a peace that passes all understanding.”

Each step takes me deeper into this journey. Each time I can reflect on God's greatness, His gifts and His love I tend to move forward and accept life where it is at.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 5 2014

April 5 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Today's walk up the hill took the breath out of me. Yesterday I walked up the hill and a couple of houses in without struggle. Today though was a struggle. I came home ate lunch and walked on the elliptical for 5 minutes and that was all I could do today. It is what it is.

I have toyed with being angry at all the smokers in my life only to realize that if they had not done this what would I have done to me. I would love to have a major pity party and soak in all the “ain't is awful” moments I can muster. A friend reminded me that in my life I am sure there are people that I have wounded deeply. Would I want to be forgiven? Yes I would and at this point I need to forgive those that have smoked and brought damage to my lungs.

I also realize that if I had not been around smokers I may have entered into some bad habits on my own that would make me sick. It is easy to point a finger outward. It is harder to point it inward. We all are given a measure of days to live and then it is over with.

I've come to believe that we are here to learn important lessons. I believe that God is preparing me for a life of eternity. First off we have a choice as I like to say “smoking or non-smoking”. Heaven or hell is our choice and God gives us that choice.

If we chose heaven then we must learn the lessons so that we will be able to live for ever. I can't imagine forever but I believe it. I questioned God about what will we be like in heaven and God pointed me to Jesus after His resurrection. As I read through this part again I began to see Jesus with a body that could be touched. I saw Him break bread with believers. I saw Jesus cooking fish for the Apostles coming in from a night of fishing. I saw Thomas looking at Jesus' wounds from the cross. This one baffles me. I see Jesus moving and doing much of what we are moving and doing.

As I reviewed this I felt calmer. I still don't know all about what eternity is but I felt comfortable seeing Jesus doing many of the things we do. It may take on a whole different dimension but I am comforted.

The goal I now have is to absorb my whole being into God and His ways. I want to love the unlovable. I want to reach out to the poor and needy. I want to love my husband as God loves me.

I also learn that God isn't asking me to be a doormat as well. This was another hard lesson for me to learn. A counselor pointed out that Jesus got angry, threw the money changers out of the temple and called the religious leaders “a brood of vipers.”

I see that Jesus stood His ground. I also see Jesus being tender and accepting of people. I tend to focus on that tenderness a lot. It gives me hope. Jesus was gentle with sinners and that gentleness seemed to bring them to Him. They had hope. I need that “hope” so much. It is the only way I can function anymore.

The religious leaders were all puffed up with pride. So as a religious person actually a follower of Jesus I attempt to not let pride to rule over me. It is a very hard thing to walk away from and the only way I am able to walk away is asking God daily to take pride away from me.

It is God who has given my life a direction. On my own I went no where real fast. I was not noticed or accepted. The more I allow God to direct me the more I am good with life as it is and I find myself doing more than I ever imagined possible.

I find contentment in being a “no body.” I always wanted to be front and center and these days being a “no body” is perfectly good with me. As I accept this way of life I also find that God places people in my path to love, to be loved by. Even our fur children are a gift from God.

The toy dogs are my children/grandchildren. We went for a walk today and Daisy decided we went to far and wanted to be carried. I carried her for a bit. I get to play with her hair putting it up in a tiny pony tail. I dress her up and it is fun.

Mindy curls up on my lap each time I sit down. I love it. Boots hangs around quietly. Each fur child brings their own personality to me and lets me hug them. I love it. I can't breathe like I'd like to. That is OK. In the slowing down process I stop and smell the roses more often. I marvel at God's creation. I write. I love life.

My eyes are blurry. I have cataracts and things are not clear like they once were. That is OK as well. I know that it will end at the right time and I will have surgery and then I should see good again.

I am reminded daily of all that I do have and the struggles are there but the good things seem to take shape more in my mind. The moments I feel sorry for myself tend to take little time in my mind anymore.

God is good. Life is great.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 3 2013

April 3 2014

Greetings My Friend,

If Dad lived today he would be 81 years old. Dad only lived to 59 years old. I had a tumultuous relationship with my parents. I loved them and I struggled to love them at the same time. Life in their home was chaotic and abusive. I admired them for all that they overcame at the same time.

As I became an adult I realized early on that I had issues with Dad. I went into counseling and that helped me reconcile the abuse in my mind. Dad was abused more severely than he abused us. The older I get I see that Dad did rise above his abusive past but he did not walk away from it altogether. I see that these days. I have compassion for him in my heart.

By the time Dad had died I had reconciled the abuse and was able to be around Dad without anger and resentment. I was one of several family members who was a caregiver for Dad in his last months. I even held Dad as he died. Dad opened the door to talk at the end of his life and I was able to overcome more struggles. Dad's death was hard but it also had a beauty as well.

Mom on the other hand I never got to the point of understanding fully why she was the way she was. She never talked about her childhood. Grandma would tell me stories but not Mom. Mom also died the way she lived life. She did not let anyone in on her journey. Her comment was “Give me a pill and let me sleep till the end.” Mom mainly asked for what she needed and that is it. I am sad that I could never work out those harsh childhood moments with Mom. I have sought to find out what made Mom the woman she was. I truly don't know.

My son has worked to keep a relationship with me. We have struggled through the years but today we are seeing the fruit of the work we both have put into loving each other.

My daughter on the other hand continues to distance herself from me. She had a moment when I had my appendix out where she called but she has once again distanced herself from me, her Dad and I believe she is becoming more and more distant with her brother.

I have done what I can to try to bridge the gap. I can't imagine I'll ever fully give up trying although I am trying less often these days. What can I write when I have not talked with her in years. I try to call and she has not picked up the phone or ever called me back.

One of the sad things I have in my heart for her is that struggle of reconciling the past. I understand this with Mom and I sense that at some point my daughter will question the chaos of her childhood. If I die before she attempts to work this piece out then she will struggle to understand. I feel for her

My faith journey has taught me to “let go let God.” On the days the pain of separation I take my pain to God. These days when I feel the sadness coming on I ask God to take the sadness away and in short order it is gone. Through the years God has had me move on in life. He has taught me to live in the present and enjoy day to day life. These days I mourn but not like I once did and it does not last as long either.

As I move through life and take my life to God I realize that I've done all that I can do. God is also watching over my daughter and at the right time God will bring about healing. That comforts me a lot. I learn to be attentive to God's direction and for the most part I have a sense of peace.

At this point in life I live and move about day to day life. I find joy in my day to day life. I am at peace with the way my life is turning out. I actually believe that old age is bringing about the peace I strove for all of my life. My peace of course is Jesus.

Where is your peace?

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet