April 29 2014

April 29 2014

Greetings My Friend,

My regrouping has settled within me and today I look forward to tackling even more than I have been. My tiredness took over for a spell but now I am back to engaging more fully in life.

It is “hope” that once again fills my heart. The springtime also helps me move out of winter's dull drums. My biggest joy at present is something as simple as a pair of flip flops. Until last year I never wore them because the toe strap always hurt too much. I learned to wear cloth toe straps and now I am an avid flip flop person.

I have picked up several more pairs of flip flops and to be honest I am excited to put them on. As I ponder on this I realize that I have picked up a few Southern traits. I make chicken and dumplings often. I wear flip flops and I enjoy a glass of ice tea often. I don't like sugar in my ice tea though, so not Southern. They call it “Sweet Tea”.

We have been in VA for five years already. My time does fly. As Junior finishes his renovation work we begin to think about “new” things. I love the idea of finding old furniture and refinishing it. We have a couple of wardrobes to work on. We have a few end tables and even the idea of using door knobs for coat hangers appeals to us. I love that we are making plans for our future still.

I realize that Junior's renovation make take a few more years or not. He works at a pace that is his own. I still like planning for our future. I may start without him who knows. This gives my life the definition I need. We may or may not but for now I have something to strive for.

I think back to the older people in my life. Grandma and I often come to mind first, then I also see Mom. Grandma and IO were so lonely in many ways. Grandma's eyes always lit up when I walked in the door. She lived with Uncle B and Aunt P but she was lonely. They were good to her and did for her but Grandma's days were fullest when she was a wife and mother. Grandpa died young so Grandma's focus was on her children. She had a son at home when Grandpa died he was around 12. Mom married and started a family shortly after Grandpa died. Along came the grandchildren and Grandma loved them (me and my siblings and later Uncle B's children.)

Grandma had very few friends and went only where she could walk. Uncle B and Aunt P took her to appointments and what not. She lived for her family and when family was busy being family running children and such she was alone. Grandma did not want to go to my son's games and I was so torn between her and my son. If I had to do it over I would attend his game. I learned that lesson rather late.

IO was the same way. She had 7 children so children became her main focus in life. As they grew up she would watch the little ones from time to time. As the family would be busy doing the family things they do she was often alone. I saw her loneliness in her eyes.

So I grow old and strive to have a life of my own. I want more involvement than I have had but I have learned to enter into life as well. My dream of refinishing furniture, writing and keeping house fills me. I am excited as well when it is family time. Being divorced means sharing time as well. I don't have the relationship with my ex that makes sharing time with our children easy. It is what it is.

God keeps showing me that I have worth, He has a plan for me and in that life is full and awesome. I can't do all that I once did anymore. I move about at a slower pace but in that my days are full. God plants words on my heart and I write them. He plants desires in my heart and I strive to work at those desires. I can't fall back to those old comfortable things either. I can't see to cross stitch, crocheting does not hold my attention and my concentration for a long book is gone. At this point though I learn new things that make life fun and enjoyable.

Old age isn't scary like it once was. I relish these years a lot. There may be a day where I sleep more than I am awake and I am unable to do much that is OK I've learned that God will teach me to use those days as well.

What is your goal in life? Mine is God and His will for me. It works out rather nicely when I give all of me to God.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet