September 30 2013

September 28 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am starting a new endeavor in the writing department. I have a week wrote up already so the goal is to get a month ahead like I am on the blog and then I wake up and post the writings. I don’t have to think each time I post because I have thought ahead of time. I am going to try my hand at Twitter. The goal I’ve had all along for retirement is to write. Since we have a decent income I don’t care if I make much money. I do want to share my faith journey and that is the main goal. My cousin is encouraging me to post some quotes from my book and from my blog so we will see where I go with this endeavor. As a writer I have a tendency to want to write something fresh each time I put my thoughts down. That said getting my book more publicity would help me sell more I think. For the longest time I had a hard time going to prayer. The church I attended had us follow along and read something the minister wrote. It was always written so eloquently. I did not feel I had that ability so I did mostly popcorn prayers as needs arose. These days I do pray and I am learning how to pray more than at meals and bedtime. That feels real nice. Going to work part time is fairly much out of the question at this point. With writing I have a sense of doing a job and it is a job I enjoy. These days I do see me as a writer and not a woman playing at writing. It feels good. The last several days the house has had order again since Junior finished his latest project. I am using the cane in the house less. I do still wear shoes as I pad about though. I’d rather pad around bare foot but a few busted up toes later, I wear shoes. Enough is enough. Junior put the little stove looking heater in the fireplace and soon I hope a plug will be nearby so when it is cold I can turn it on. On the mantle and on the stove I have placed candles and I am anxiously waiting for the weather to cool down so I can light all the candles and enjoy the firelight. My porch time this summer has gotten me into the mode of writing, studying and cleaning and it is awesome to me. I take a walk up the hill and back with Daisy in the sling on the way up and her walking home. I also take her out throughout the day and focusing on her needs feels real nice as well. Junior and J went to Johnson City today. He left at 6:00 this morning and frankly it was after 1:00 before I could get to sleep so being up that early isn’t something I can do anymore. It is a real struggle these days so I am happy J went along. Junior gets fairly tired out and J being young loves to drive so it works out real nice. I have finally crossed over from a need to get things done in short spurts of time to working my way through the day. That feels real nice. My house looks my like the house keeping I have done in the past. Junior can still disrupt the flow of the house with his projects but once he is done I am back to doing what I love to do, keeping order. So now I write, keep house, and take care of Daisy and being retired is a blessing. My energy level is not where it once was so being able to move about at a slower pace is real nice. My long bouts of mourning are about over with and I have a tendency to live in the here and now. That also feels real nice. In a few short weeks we will head to Colorado. I am anxious to meet D my cousin. I marvel each time we have a phone chat how similar we are. We never met as kids so to find someone who is so similar to me is a marvel. I am anxious to meet Aunt L as well. She will have stories about Dad. Uncle F talked about Dad and the struggles they went through. Uncle F is gone now but D tells me that he kept a picture of Dad in their bedroom. I feel sad that Dad could not overcome the struggles they had. I loved getting on FB one time and D had sent some pictures of our grandparents, her Dad etc. My sister and D were discussing me and how much I looked like my grandmother. It was funny. I did not know I looked so much like her. Dad took after her as well. Dad was real short like her. Uncle F was tall like their Dad. All of us in Dad’s family are real short. For me those little things are a blessing. I have felt so detached from family throughout my life that knowing some of my roots at this stage feels good. Finding the family quirks is funny as well. My family growing up and apparently my cousins family never shied away from taking a stand, having an opinion and letting others know how we felt. Cousin D and I have been upfront and honest with each other since the first phone call. I love it. We don’t pretend we have perfect families. We are honest but not gossipy. We are praying for each other and again I love it. Most of our phone calls center on our faith journey. She has come into my life at a time I needed a faith partner. Junior is real good but he is a man and at times his thoughts are so manly. I don’t get what he is trying to teach me so D’s female perspective helps a whole lot. As I write I again see my faith is a moment by moment journey and I love it. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 28 2013

September 25 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is Labor Day as I write. The holidays are now different since I’ve retired. I am not trying to rest and regroup with each day off like I was at the end of my career. Frankly it is another day and it feels nice. We went to a street fair this past weekend so in a small way we are celebrating. My heart goes out the Veterans fairly much daily. I am thankful, hopeful often. Junior’s military service for me is a firsthand experience of what our military people endure so we can live in a free land. Some nights as we drift off to sleep I find my man’s face contorted in pain. He does not talk about his pain often but at times I see it written on his face. Going without a foot has created its share of problems for him. He gait is off even with prosthesis and as a result his back is out of whack big time. He also has hip problems due to the amputation. To add to that he also has nightmares. I tend to watch him live through the war over and over even though it was 40 years ago. Daisy and I are getting into our routines rather nicely. As I write she is on my lap and I feel a peace inside of me. We start off each morning with a quick walk outside to let her empty her bladder and bowels. We come in and she sits with me as I do the computer routine. I find her to be a comfort. I find also that I continue to come out of myself as I try to meet her needs. I feed her, walk her and she is going pretty much everywhere I go. I like having a constant companion and I don’t wear Junior out with needing so much attention. Daisy also prompted me to change my hair style. I have been highlighting it for a while now. With her kinky hair I thought I’d like to go back to the perm route. I have done it and yup I am happy with this style and I can see me doing this for a long time. Junior likes my hair curly looking. The women of his generation were big on curling their hair and he enjoyed the look. My generation was into wearing our hair straight and I have liked that look. I also have waves of curl that come out in the humidity and want to go their own way. When I went through menopause my hair went curly and as I came out of menopause it went back to fairly straight again. With the perm I don’t have to worry about the stray curls that try to pop out in my hair. It truly is a wash and wear hair style and frankly that fits my personality so well. Junior has finished his latest project. He has cleaned up the mess and I am once more attempting to follow a routine with housework. I continue to find a peace with another routine taking shape in my life. Looking after Daisy tends to help me as well. As I write I find my mind wanting to drift back into a painful moment. My birthday has come and gone and neither child called, wrote or acknowledged this big event. I feel sad. I then think about the precious time spent with Junior at the Holiday Inn and I move out of sadness. I feel Daisy breathing on my leg and I focus on what I do have and not what I don’t have. I am happy I am able to move out of the sadness rather quickly these days. My latest favorite motto comes to mind “it is what it is.” I am able to let go and let God and frankly I begin living in the present instead of the “would of’s of life.” I sip on my coffee, eat a handful of popcorn and look out the screen door. There is a hummingbird coming in for a drink. I hear a car coming down the road and peace settles my soul. I find that God loves me to no end and in that I feel like I matter. After I finish writing the dogs and I will take a morning walk. I love that routine and as I walk I will marvel at the beauty that surrounds us. I will laugh at the “children’s” antics. I find that I have a life and it is a good life and well that is ok. I no longer live in constant fear and I like that feeling a whole lot. Junior continues to feel so safe to me. I am grateful our life is not filled with daily battles. He is a messy and I am a neat freak but somehow we tend to meld our differences and they don’t divide us. I am grateful for Junior’s patience as I have fallen apart and have come back to being the “Janet” he married only better in some ways. I have more physical struggles and we work through them. His struggles are still there and we live with them. Frankly life is sweet and I love it. Gone are the days where I needed to feel love, feel wanted and wanted to impress people with the things I owned. I am “who” I am and frankly I think I am a nice person a caring person. If others don’t want me then I believe I will hang with the ones that don’t find me so offensive. I find I tend to make people giggle and when I hear them giggle at my antics I tell them “the more you laugh at me you only encourage me” and then I get another giggle. The people that “own” me also treat me like I have a good brain and don’t treat me like I am so stupid that I should give up on life. They like my ideas. It feels good to not be looked at as a stupid woman. As I feel accepted and wanted I find myself not mourning what I don’t have. I enjoy being enjoyed by others. So life moves on rather nicely and I live and enter into each day with joy. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 25 2013

September 25, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 60 years old. I marvel that I have lived that long. I marvel that life going into my older years continues to feel good. I am useful. I am wanted and frankly life is very sweet. Junior is taking me to a hotel in town that has a pool. Out here in SWVA there seems to be no indoor pools so I can do water aerobics. I have looked and looked for a place and have yet to find one that I can go to for exercise. Since we won’t be going to MI as often my hope is he will treat us to a hotel more often just so I can do my water aerobics. I am exercising at home. I walk and as soon as Junior hooks the new DVD player up I will start with Yoga and Dancing to the Oldies. I am hoping to get a couple more exercise videos and use one each week. Each decade change throughout my life has found me depressed. This time I am welcoming it. I like that feeling. Junior makes me feel beautiful even in an older and heavier body. Again I tell Junior I love our boring life and mean it. Gone are the days of fighting over each detail in life. Gone are the days of striking out in anger. Gone is the anger for anger’s sake. I have also come to terms that I am not popular, made a ton of money or live in a fancy house. Yup I lived my life it turned out the way it turned out and I move into old age marveling at God’s provision yet again. Daisy is filling a void I have had for some time. I must take care of her needs. Before I have a cup of coffee I need to take her outside to use the bathroom. I must take her out throughout the day. I need to comb her hair often. I don’t have do a fancy job with her hair, just keep it combed. Due to her tiny size I also have a protective need being filled within me. My working on the house and keeping it clean throughout the day is working. I am writing my blog and now am looking at Twitter. My cousin helps me find a writing niche on Twitter so I am finding another outlet for my love of writing and sharing my faith. These days Daisy sits on the arm of the chair as I write, watch TV etc. It is nice to see her beside me. Instead of dwelling on what I don’t have in my life I continue to see where God is tenderly loving me and the more I see His love I find myself feeling very good with day to day life. The Lord has taken me through another journey and I am grateful that I have gone through it. I have learned to trust God and learned how to let Him rule in my life. I know I will have more lessons in life but once more I see the other side of a struggle and am grateful for the lessons. Somewhere deep inside of me I know that I will have the care I will need as I continue to get older. That too brings me comfort. As a young mother I automatically assumed that my children would be at my side. They may or may not be. God will make sure I have what I need and I don’t fear that any longer. I am a survivor. That feels nice. I have overcome abuse. I have learned how to love in healthy ways. I have worked and earned a decent wage. I got to be a “mom” and a “grandmother.” I look back on my parenting years with a mixture of joy and sorrow. I liked a lot of my mothering ways. I am sad that I chose a partner so poorly. I accept that these days and move through life with contentment. I don’t hate Dad. Mom I have respect for and an indifference. Little brother is gone and I am sad that we never were able to work past our struggles. In my heart I do believe I tried the best I knew how. Baby Sister and I are once more able to talk. We haven’t visited each other now in a few years but we can connect on the phone and not get irritated. I am doing the best I can as she is as well. I come to my older years with an acceptance I have never given myself. I truly like “me.” Others may or may not. My thought these days is “Does God like what I am doing and who I am turning into?” Each time I feel rejected I turn my heart to God and find the acceptance I so desire. I also see the people who love me “just the way I am” in my life and find joy in that. I think again on the Scripture passage. “God first loved us.” The more I dwell on that passage I begin to see that my ability to love comes from God. He took me right where I was at and gently helped me to change into the person I am now and am continuing to turn into. The more I make God my focus the more I am able to live the way God created me to be. In that I find an acceptance of “myself.” These days I truly like “me.” I think back to Grandma. As she got older she got surly. When we’d be out shopping she often would ram the shopping cart into people on purpose. She seemed to not care if she was accepted. I feel that way these days. I don’t want to ram people with a shopping cart. I want to make people laugh. Many older people will give others a piece of their mind over the smallest infraction. I don’t want to be a grumpy old lady. Some days my body hurts. I try to move away from others until I am able to cope. I love seeing people giggle at my antics. Junior tends to laugh with me most days. It is fun. Yup I am older and that is ok. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

September 23 2013

September 23, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am about to go crazy with itching myself silly. It takes the energy out of me because the time I spend itching is time I could have done some cleaning. This season should be over with soon! Lately I’ve been thinking about Scripture. I can’t remember chapter and verse but at the same time I have those pieces that float back to me as I go through life. I find myself calming down when I begin to ponder these verses. Sometimes the Holy Spirit lays a Scripture passage on my heart and I find myself being calmer. It helps me to no end. As a child in Sunday school I remember reading the 23rd Psalm. It often is one that I go back to when I am struggling with a problem and I often am quieted. “The Lord is my Shepard” that always reminds me that I am not alone in this big wide world. I find comfort as I read “beside still waters” or another Scripture passage that brings me comfort is “I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you, not harm you.” When I feel beat up and unwanted these verses remind me that I am important to God and I am His special lady. I am one of many but being one of many I still feel like I am closely God’s as well. As I have learned to quit making my children my whole focus and allow God to be my whole focus I find I am able to move through life so much easier. I no longer care if I am in the “in crowd.” God loves me and that is enough. As I read “Be imitators of God” I find a focus on whom I’d rather learn to imitate. I learn Agape love all over again. God wants my highest good. That always feels super good. As I understand that God wants my highest good, I find myself seeking the highest good of those I come in contact with throughout my day. As I seek life outside myself I find that life is sweet. Junior is consistently seeking my good. I like that as well. The more he seeks my highest good, the more I seek his highest good. Details move me. As I consistently remind Junior of various things he begins to see that I am not trying to nag him but that in my “Janet” way that I am seeking his highest good. It feels nice and I am able to do what I truly love to do, focus on the details in life and Junior focuses on his strong point of seeing the big picture. Between us we then are accomplishing so much. Yup it feels good. The more we talk to God about each other the more we are able to see the true intent of our spouse’s heart. As hard as I attempt to not be an overly detailed person I find I can’t stop. If Junior begins to understand that helps because I truly am not trying to be bossy or whatever else his mind can conjure up. Many in the world find me annoying. It saddens me because I am truly trying to please. When I allow myself to be swallowed up in God well I find I don’t deal with tender hurt feelings near as much. I find that I am able to get up and enter into each and every day. I find each day to be a joy even when all kinds of junk from the world is flying at me. Right now my skin is itching. I believe it from something in the air. I feel like I am going to lose it at any moment with all the itching. Scripture comes back to me and I find myself tolerating the irritation. I again believe that a daily time in God’s Word allows me to remember. Sometimes when I am struggling I find a passage coming to mind. I believe it is the Holy Spirit helping me. The more I read the Bible and learn of the people and their struggles I begin to see how to deal with my own life. King David loved God a whole bunch. He screwed up and slept with another man’s wife while he was at war. She got pregnant. King David was embarrassed so he had the husband killed in battle. Next he married the woman. One day the prophet came to him with a word picture story. King David was angry and wanted the person punished. The prophet then said it was about him. David could have denied it. He did not. He immediately repented and asked for forgiveness. Later I see that King David was again choosing to follow God. I see that God gave to David again. That always helps me. When I screw up I remember this and then I remember that God isn’t going to beat me up forever for the wrong I entered into. I mainly need to accept that it was wrong and ask God to forgive me. If I am able to admit my wrong to God I find that I am forgiven. For the longest time I found it hard to admit my faults. As I continued on my faith journey God asked me to name what I had done wrong. I named it and asked God to forgive me. As I allowed myself to ask God to forgive me by naming my wrong I began to feel a peace. Again Scripture comes to mind. God will remove our sins as far as the east is to the west. I have learned that east and west never meet up. That is very comforting to me. My sin is forgotten completely. I love learning the Jewish understanding of the lessons they have been given. God spoke to them in a way they understand. So I find myself wanting to understand the Bible from a Jewish perspective. The more I am able to understand from the Jewish perspective the more I begin to hear God’s teachings. Yeast comes to mind. I hear it often as I read the OT. When yeast is mixed with dough it begins to make the dough rise. Many times I hear God saying to the Israelites to worship him without yeast. It is a way for God to show that yeast keeps rising in the dough/their life and can contaminate all that it touches. By getting rid of the yeast or their sin they can find “true life.” Where is your focus? On the world, on God? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 18 2013

September 18 2013 Greetings My Friend, My energy level is starting to come back after the fall I took last weekend. These days I don’t get depressed that I am not moving about like I’d like to. That is so helpful. I do what I need to get healthy again and at the right time I begin to do what I can. Gone are the long lectures I give myself because I am not doing as I’d like to be doing. Getting my girls out to the bathroom is so helpful. I must get up and go outside for them to use the bathroom. I must move about. Keeping them fed is also important. At that point I also begin to move about the house and begin a routine of picking up and such. Once more I learn how important it is to learn to look outside of myself. I do like to make everything about me and frankly the world is not all about me. As I learn to focus outside of myself I begin to find life settling down and not so confusing and hard. As I struggle with health issues it becomes easy to get self- centered. I need to focus on how to get better and how to deal with my disability. As I care for the girls I find myself figuring out how to deal with my struggles and then moving out of my struggles and into life in general. I do need to focus on “me” somewhat but at some point it is important to look outside of myself. When I can do this life begins to fall into place and have a nice rhythm to it. For me to function well I realize I need routines. The more I organize my day the freer I feel. I get up and go into my day with my daily agenda and frankly life for me is wonderful. Junior teaches me that being a slave to routines is not helpful so his upsetting my routines from time to time is helpful. Sometimes I find that changing my routines also is helpful. I am not 20 anymore and learning to do housework all day long is better for me at this stage in my life. As a 20 something I could tackle major projects in a few hours and today I can’t do what I did back then. So life is also about making changes from time to time. I have three favorite colors. I love jazz, Christian and some good old rock and roll. Life for me has been a diverse one. I like different types of people groups as well. I was never into the popular crowd routine. At times I craved it but over all I liked knowing different people and the way they tend to think. I guess that is the “writer” in me. I love exploring. It moves me. I like the idea of being flexible. I loved contorting my body into various postures. Yoga was fun for a long time for me. In school I was always doing cart wheels and such. I was still standing on my head at the drop of a hat well into my 40’s. As I developed neck issues I had to stop. As I get older I find that once more I have to rethink the way I do things. As I learn how to do things differently I begin to find my brain being able to open up to new ideas. I love to work things in life through much like some people like to do jigsaw puzzles. I knew I was on the mend when I began thinking about what I’d like in our new home. I will contemplate an area, tell Junior and sometimes my thought is so good that he will actually make the project like I had thought it out to be. Sometimes I will hear that he is doing it the way he is doing it and I am good with that as well. Still I am very happy when I am puzzling my way through the day. It moves me to no end. Slowly I am entering into Twitter. I am enjoying the back and forth exchange of ideas. Again it is something that moves me. By opening myself up to other thoughts I begin to learn more in life. I truly like that way of growing the best. For some reason I thought by the time I got to my “older” years I’d have figured life out. That is not the case and as I ponder that I am grateful to be honest. I have much to learn still. Learning is something I love to do. If life was all in place like I thought it would be then learning would not be needed. So again I love to learn new things and old age is teaching me new things. I still have struggles as well. I still struggle emotionally. These days I have learned to lean on God. In a daily dialogue I find myself “hearing” God and His direction. As I learn to listen I find myself growing as well. I am able to let go of struggles after a conversation with God. Sometimes God teaches me to be more patient and sometimes God guides me to move out of a relationship. I also am learning that God loves me even when life sucks. Some part of me is depressed about the fall realizing that I may have more falls ahead of me due to my balance struggles. To add to that I also have osteopenia which is the start to osteoporosis and broken bones are a good possibility in my older years. The old Janet would worry this situation to death. Today though I go to God and He teaches me what I need to know to deal with life. God does not take away all the bad situations because frankly that is at times how we learn. When I had cancer I had to slow down. In the slower pace I finally was able to be still enough to hear God. My struggles have necessitated that I stay home more. I have learned to love being home and quiet. In that quiet I have begun writing and that is a dream I have had most of my life. If I was running about like I would love to then writing would move to the bottom of the list. So life is hard learning to slow down but I am ever grateful that I am learning to slow down. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 18 2013 Greetings My Friend, My energy level is starting to come back after the fall I took last weekend. These days I don’t get depressed that I am not moving about like I’d like to. That is so helpful. I do what I need to get healthy again and at the right time I begin to do what I can. Gone are the long lectures I give myself because I am not doing as I’d like to be doing. Getting my girls out to the bathroom is so helpful. I must get up and go outside for them to use the bathroom. I must move about. Keeping them fed is also important. At that point I also begin to move about the house and begin a routine of picking up and such. Once more I learn how important it is to learn to look outside of myself. I do like to make everything about me and frankly the world is not all about me. As I learn to focus outside of myself I begin to find life settling down and not so confusing and hard. As I struggle with health issues it becomes easy to get self- centered. I need to focus on how to get better and how to deal with my disability. As I care for the girls I find myself figuring out how to deal with my struggles and then moving out of my struggles and into life in general. I do need to focus on “me” somewhat but at some point it is important to look outside of myself. When I can do this life begins to fall into place and have a nice rhythm to it. For me to function well I realize I need routines. The more I organize my day the freer I feel. I get up and go into my day with my daily agenda and frankly life for me is wonderful. Junior teaches me that being a slave to routines is not helpful so his upsetting my routines from time to time is helpful. Sometimes I find that changing my routines also is helpful. I am not 20 anymore and learning to do housework all day long is better for me at this stage in my life. As a 20 something I could tackle major projects in a few hours and today I can’t do what I did back then. So life is also about making changes from time to time. I have three favorite colors. I love jazz, Christian and some good old rock and roll. Life for me has been a diverse one. I like different types of people groups as well. I was never into the popular crowd routine. At times I craved it but over all I liked knowing different people and the way they tend to think. I guess that is the “writer” in me. I love exploring. It moves me. I like the idea of being flexible. I loved contorting my body into various postures. Yoga was fun for a long time for me. In school I was always doing cart wheels and such. I was still standing on my head at the drop of a hat well into my 40’s. As I developed neck issues I had to stop. As I get older I find that once more I have to rethink the way I do things. As I learn how to do things differently I begin to find my brain being able to open up to new ideas. I love to work things in life through much like some people like to do jigsaw puzzles. I knew I was on the mend when I began thinking about what I’d like in our new home. I will contemplate an area, tell Junior and sometimes my thought is so good that he will actually make the project like I had thought it out to be. Sometimes I will hear that he is doing it the way he is doing it and I am good with that as well. Still I am very happy when I am puzzling my way through the day. It moves me to no end. Slowly I am entering into Twitter. I am enjoying the back and forth exchange of ideas. Again it is something that moves me. By opening myself up to other thoughts I begin to learn more in life. I truly like that way of growing the best. For some reason I thought by the time I got to my “older” years I’d have figured life out. That is not the case and as I ponder that I am grateful to be honest. I have much to learn still. Learning is something I love to do. If life was all in place like I thought it would be then learning would not be needed. So again I love to learn new things and old age is teaching me new things. I still have struggles as well. I still struggle emotionally. These days I have learned to lean on God. In a daily dialogue I find myself “hearing” God and His direction. As I learn to listen I find myself growing as well. I am able to let go of struggles after a conversation with God. Sometimes God teaches me to be more patient and sometimes God guides me to move out of a relationship. I also am learning that God loves me even when life sucks. Some part of me is depressed about the fall realizing that I may have more falls ahead of me due to my balance struggles. To add to that I also have osteopenia which is the start to osteoporosis and broken bones are a good possibility in my older years. The old Janet would worry this situation to death. Today though I go to God and He teaches me what I need to know to deal with life. God does not take away all the bad situations because frankly that is at times how we learn. When I had cancer I had to slow down. In the slower pace I finally was able to be still enough to hear God. My struggles have necessitated that I stay home more. I have learned to love being home and quiet. In that quiet I have begun writing and that is a dream I have had most of my life. If I was running about like I would love to then writing would move to the bottom of the list. So life is hard learning to slow down but I am ever grateful that I am learning to slow down. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 21, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Last night was a night I struggled a whole lot getting to sleep. These nights still happen just not as bad as they once were or as often. I think the excitement of getting Daisy, her getting lost, running around looking for her and then her showing up played havoc with my sleep last night. It was real hard when walking down the road and I found her little “meet my new family outfit” on the road and no dog inside of it. I began thinking awful thoughts. Did some wild animal get her? Did someone drive by and see her and take her and frankly that happens a lot out here. I was heartbroken to say the least. We gave up after an hour or so of running around looking for her. I began my TV watching so that my brain would shut down. A while later we get a knock at the door and I opened it to find Daisy in my neighbor’s arms, she was safe and sound and I was about as happy as I could get. I brought her inside and we began our “get to know each other” routine. We have a barricade up so she can’t get into the kitchen area and out the doggie door we have. That lasted a whole half hour and then she jumped over the barricade. Junior made it on the low side but taller than her so the other dogs could still get into the front room area. At present I have a tall laundry basket and an end table in front of the door way. Plan B is where we are at. The bigger dogs can still get over the obstacle so for now this is what works. We put Daisy’s little doggie bed on our bed last night for her to sleep in. Blanko our cat decided that was a nice comfy spot to sleep in and curled up inside the doggie bed. Blanko is not altogether. He has had seizures since he was little and has been on medication and well he is a bit not with it if you know what I mean. He did not know to be afraid of the dogs when we first got the dogs. He would sit there as they sniffed him. Blanko likes to sneak outside these days. He has figured out the doggie door and goes outside. We will find him curled up on the porch enjoying the warm weather. Since he is neutered he doesn’t tend to wander off the porch or far from the porch so it is what it is. While Daisy was missing I found myself in prayer asking God to send the girl back to us. These days that is my first thought to pray. That helps me a ton. I find myself not getting worked up and frankly that feels good. I know if the prayer does not go my way that God is working it out for my good. I felt that this time as well. If she did not come back then she would not have been right for us to have. I was ready to accept her being gone. I grieved her but I knew it was for the best. When she did come back I learned a valuable lesson. The girl can take off real quick and it is like having a toddler around. I must keep my eyes on her at all times. Today you know I am checking on her every few minutes. The nice thing is now that she has explored the house she is up on my lap sleeping. Frankly that is what I was looking for a constant companion. We took her to the grocery store this morning. I put her in a big bag and carried her in the store. I did like it. It will be fun having my constant companion along with me wherever I go. I do believe I will be picking up a front pack so I can carry her and have my hands free. Again I see her coming with us on our trips and the like. I have also set up her first hair cut day. Her little nails need to be trimmed big time so we thought we’d take her in right away. In a week or so we will get her in to the Vet since she has cataracts we want to get them worked on as soon as we can. As I begin to care for her I find myself moving into another area of health. I realize that I need something to fuss with. Alex is a great companion but we do his time on his agenda not mine. This little girl will let me make the agenda and frankly I like that. I called my son to tell him about Daisy. I recall that when Mom got her Daphne she was my age and I once more realize I am turning into my mother’s daughter. I have spent a good portion of my life trying to deny my blood line. Mom was harsh. I tried to be gentle. Mom did not care for others when they thought differently than her. Then there are these moments where I see we are similar. At first I am scared and then I find it to be ok. Mom had some qualities that I truly did like and if I pick those qualities up, I am good with it. Growing up with Mom and Dad was hard. There was so much anger in the house and Dad often beat on us to no end. I have worked hard at letting go of all that anger. It is gone these days, not on my own but God has helped me overcome my anger. I begin to look at other moments and not see only the junk that went on but also some of the fun and silly things we did as a family. I also have reached the age where my children are grown and my grandchildren are about grown. My children lived in the craziness of anger. I sense they felt that I should have left long before I did. I guess some day they will understand that I did not think I could do it on my own. I don’t think they get how scared I was. Lately when I call my son I don’t hear the “whys” like I did for a long time. I am starting to think that he is “getting it.” I am sad my daughter has stepped out of my life again. I live with it. I accept it and nope I don’t like it but I move on. I go back to what the minister told me as I left my former marriage. He said the best thing I could do for my children was to get healthy and be in healthy relationships. I kept up with counseling, began a serious faith journey and at this point I find that my worth comes from God not my kids. God has loved me like I had never known love. That feels real nice. God doesn’t look at me like I have marbles missing and that feels nice too. So again I learn to turn my heart to God and let Him be my all in all. Life has a way of filling out nicely when I allow God to consume me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 16 2013

September 16, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Here I sit. The pretty re-arranged front entry way is a shambles of junk. There is a ladder under the overhead light and the light is missing. A ceiling fan sits in a chair. The old light sits in another chair. The bookcase that was in the hallway is in the entry way. A pile of clothes sits on an end table and yup I’m about ready to go insane. A few short days ago B and I went to town adding a chair to the entry way, rearranging it and fussing it till it looked just right and now……this…..stuff. So goes life with Junior. I love the man a ton and at the same time I think I will go crazy. My forward movement came to a crashing halt in one day. I slept most of the day yesterday. I don’t know why but I did. At the same time I even fell asleep at bedtime till morning. It was a rainy yucky day overall so was I sleepy due to weather or depression? It is hard to say why. Today I have put on a pot of cheese soup, gone to town to pick up a few items, wrote in my journal, and folded a load of clothes, read my Bible and even more stuff I can’t remember. My funk of yesterday seems to be gone. That makes me real happy. Junior and J went to Norton. Junior had an appointment with the VA and J is putting out applications everywhere he can put one. I have been my own woman for the most part and have enjoyed my time alone. Junior and J are now back. Junior is taking his afternoon nap and J is outside working. I have finally figured out how to get onto Twitter and have been dabbling with that. So far I am enjoying the thoughts that come on the page. I’m not sure where this will take me but for now I will check it out. While in town I picked up a few dog chews for our dogs. They are happily chewing to their hearts content. It does not take much to make these guys happy. They have also helped me eat the pizza crusts I don’t generally eat. They think it is a treat and I won’t tell them differently. As I was talking to P the other day I mentioned my struggle with God I’ve been working on. My whole life I heard that if I made life about “me” then I was self-centered. God wants me to make all my life about Him, so isn’t that self-centered? Why must I always have questions? I do and I have quit worrying about them and have decided that God wants me to ask “why” all the time. I don’t sense God being angry with me. I find myself contemplating a lot and then sharing what I learn. I am learning that for some reason “making God the center of everything” is not the same as making life all about “me.” The more I make life about God the more peace and contentment I sense. I am accepting that I am not famous, rich or flat out beautiful by the world’s standards. At present I think that emulating God’s way works so well. Agape love is seeking the highest good of others. The more I attempt to think outside of myself I tend to find myself not worrying and fretting and to be honest I like that a ton. God loves me with Agape love. The more I try to immolate God then the more life tends to make sense to me. I am also working past the need to be perfect. As the oldest child I think I want to be perfect in everything. I find I am not and then I beat myself up for it. The more I allow God to be God and realize that I will never be perfect the more peace I find. I don’t try to do things wrong or bad. Sometimes I do though and at this point in my life I no longer give myself lectures for being so….”stupid.” I am learning to see where I was and where I am and that helps me move forward even more so. Again I find that I am in a faith journey not a faith I have arrived moment and forever. The journey gives me permission to mess up from time to time. It gives me permission to get up, dust off and to start over again. When I can allow myself to begin again I begin to see changes within me and I begin to like “me” even more so. Again Junior also helps me with the “quit” beating myself up part of life. I truly believe God points out our flaws not to harm us and to point His finger at us in disgust. I truly believe God tells me my flaws for my “good.” God wants me to enjoy life and if I am allowing a sin to rule me then I will never get to know that joy. Most people aren’t interested in how bad you feel anyway. I think I always felt bad to show my remorse and the older I get the more I realize people don’t see it. I also think that when I forgive myself people tend to see that more so. One of the things I love to do is make people giggle. Anytime I go to the store I tend to get silly for the cashier. At the drugstore the other day the ladies said they loved when we came in. That comment made me feel real nice. I worked in a toy store for a few years and especially at Christmas people tend to be real cranky. My theory is that by being silly I may have brought a moment of joy to someone’s life for a bit any way. I also believe that one of my gifts for God is to be an encourager. By making people giggle I think I am encouraging people to enjoy the moment. Writing about the things I discover in life is another way to encourage people. As an oldest child I always was to “set the example” so I try to be what people see whether at home or out in public. I like that as well. I no longer live one way behind closed doors and have an outside personality. I tend to be the same in both places and frankly that is easier to remember to be one way. So I walk daily with God by reading my Bible, praying, living a life that I hear God teaching me to live. Some people are called to be famous and some are called to live day by day and moment by moment and both tend to get God’s message out. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 16, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Here I sit. The pretty re-arranged front entry way is a shambles of junk. There is a ladder under the overhead light and the light is missing. A ceiling fan sits in a chair. The old light sits in another chair. The bookcase that was in the hallway is in the entry way. A pile of clothes sits on an end table and yup I’m about ready to go insane. A few short days ago B and I went to town adding a chair to the entry way, rearranging it and fussing it till it looked just right and now……this…..stuff. So goes life with Junior. I love the man a ton and at the same time I think I will go crazy. My forward movement came to a crashing halt in one day. I slept most of the day yesterday. I don’t know why but I did. At the same time I even fell asleep at bedtime till morning. It was a rainy yucky day overall so was I sleepy due to weather or depression? It is hard to say why. Today I have put on a pot of cheese soup, gone to town to pick up a few items, wrote in my journal, and folded a load of clothes, read my Bible and even more stuff I can’t remember. My funk of yesterday seems to be gone. That makes me real happy. Junior and J went to Norton. Junior had an appointment with the VA and J is putting out applications everywhere he can put one. I have been my own woman for the most part and have enjoyed my time alone. Junior and J are now back. Junior is taking his afternoon nap and J is outside working. I have finally figured out how to get onto Twitter and have been dabbling with that. So far I am enjoying the thoughts that come on the page. I’m not sure where this will take me but for now I will check it out. While in town I picked up a few dog chews for our dogs. They are happily chewing to their hearts content. It does not take much to make these guys happy. They have also helped me eat the pizza crusts I don’t generally eat. They think it is a treat and I won’t tell them differently. As I was talking to P the other day I mentioned my struggle with God I’ve been working on. My whole life I heard that if I made life about “me” then I was self-centered. God wants me to make all my life about Him, so isn’t that self-centered? Why must I always have questions? I do and I have quit worrying about them and have decided that God wants me to ask “why” all the time. I don’t sense God being angry with me. I find myself contemplating a lot and then sharing what I learn. I am learning that for some reason “making God the center of everything” is not the same as making life all about “me.” The more I make life about God the more peace and contentment I sense. I am accepting that I am not famous, rich or flat out beautiful by the world’s standards. At present I think that emulating God’s way works so well. Agape love is seeking the highest good of others. The more I attempt to think outside of myself I tend to find myself not worrying and fretting and to be honest I like that a ton. God loves me with Agape love. The more I try to immolate God then the more life tends to make sense to me. I am also working past the need to be perfect. As the oldest child I think I want to be perfect in everything. I find I am not and then I beat myself up for it. The more I allow God to be God and realize that I will never be perfect the more peace I find. I don’t try to do things wrong or bad. Sometimes I do though and at this point in my life I no longer give myself lectures for being so….”stupid.” I am learning to see where I was and where I am and that helps me move forward even more so. Again I find that I am in a faith journey not a faith I have arrived moment and forever. The journey gives me permission to mess up from time to time. It gives me permission to get up, dust off and to start over again. When I can allow myself to begin again I begin to see changes within me and I begin to like “me” even more so. Again Junior also helps me with the “quit” beating myself up part of life. I truly believe God points out our flaws not to harm us and to point His finger at us in disgust. I truly believe God tells me my flaws for my “good.” God wants me to enjoy life and if I am allowing a sin to rule me then I will never get to know that joy. Most people aren’t interested in how bad you feel anyway. I think I always felt bad to show my remorse and the older I get the more I realize people don’t see it. I also think that when I forgive myself people tend to see that more so. One of the things I love to do is make people giggle. Anytime I go to the store I tend to get silly for the cashier. At the drugstore the other day the ladies said they loved when we came in. That comment made me feel real nice. I worked in a toy store for a few years and especially at Christmas people tend to be real cranky. My theory is that by being silly I may have brought a moment of joy to someone’s life for a bit any way. I also believe that one of my gifts for God is to be an encourager. By making people giggle I think I am encouraging people to enjoy the moment. Writing about the things I discover in life is another way to encourage people. As an oldest child I always was to “set the example” so I try to be what people see whether at home or out in public. I like that as well. I no longer live one way behind closed doors and have an outside personality. I tend to be the same in both places and frankly that is easier to remember to be one way. So I walk daily with God by reading my Bible, praying, living a life that I hear God teaching me to live. Some people are called to be famous and some are called to live day by day and moment by moment and both tend to get God’s message out. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 14 2013

September 14, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Oh joy. I woke up late, if I move to fast in the morning I can be sure I’ll spend some time hugging the toilet so I moved slowly but steadily and made it to church only to find out that the girls were done already. All the way home I had a queasy stomach from moving too quickly through my morning. I am home now, it is raining, again! I guess the elliptical will be my exercise today. Alex is curled up in my lap and frankly he feels real good. Again I realize he has been my comfort for many years now. He is beside me, quiet and sharing whatever mood I am in. My thought lately tends to go towards “the foolish will be wise and the wise will appear foolish”. I struggle to be taken seriously by the ones that matter a lot to me. For many years I coped through life being a dumb blonde. It saved me a few beatings, arguments and the like. So in my older years I now have confidence in whom and I am being perceived as dumb is hard to swallow. When I question Junior he tells me that I still pull out the dumb blonde act. I thought I have let it go to be honest and I realize I’ve done it for so long I don’t know how to present myself any other way. Junior though will treat me like I have a brain and insist that I use it so I love him all the more. As I make new friends I have found that I am treated like I have a brain, mainly because I don’t go dumb at the drop of a hat. Many think I am silly and that makes me happy. I like making people laugh. As I write I also realize that my stomach no longer gets tied up in knots. That feels real nice as well. I find that a faith walk with Jesus has helped me so much. Sometimes I cry and I tell God what is hurting and I feel God’s hand on me. Sometimes I need to chatter for the sake of running my mouth and thoughts so I tell God even if it is inane stuff. I also realize that I may not pray every day during the day but the night time/wake up time with God seems to keep me connected. Looking at the cross makes me continue to see how much God loves me/us. Lately I’ve seen pictures on Face Book of Jesus and the bloody ugly mess that he truly was. It hurts but I also see more clearly God’s love that He would allow His Son to be our redeemer. I then find myself trying to as open and honest as I can with God. Sometimes God has to guide me out of bad habits, sin really. Sometimes God holds me. For me I like that I am never ever alone. I tend to like to be around people, need people to help me do life and to enjoy life. To me having a faith walk with God is more than saying I believe. It is talking to God, learning how to listen to God and then learning to do what I am told. I also find a relationship with God to be much like my human relationships, the more I interact the closer I tend to be with them. If I don’t talk or hang out etc. much then we don’t tend to grow close. The same goes for a relationship with God. As I started my faith journey I was not sure how to draw real close to God. I started to pray the ACTSS prayer format at night and the first ten years of marriage, Junior and I prayed each day together. In that I learned how to draw close to God. Junior and I no longer pray daily like once did. I am sad and pray that we can make it work again at some point. Our several hour difference at getting up and around plays havoc with that. Still we each go to prayer on our own these days as well. For me my night time/wake up prayers tend to walk through Jesus’ last hours. In that I continue to see such love. I see that God wants me/us. I am important enough to die for. That is sobering. During the week I attempt to pray during the day. I start to beat myself up when I think I haven’t prayed throughout the day then I realize I am talking to God more and more. The prayers may not be the same day in and out but I do find I pray as I pass an accident. I pray for family, friends, neighbors and old coworkers several days a week. Sometimes I am wrestling with a problem and I talk to God and again I start to realize I am in conversation more than I realize. I also want to share the “Good News” and find myself not sure what to say. I am starting to realize it does not need to be “God/Jesus” every other word. It needs to be how I treat Junior each and every day. It needs to be not getting mad at the drop of the hat as I used to do. It means giving to others whether money or being a friend. My faith journey is a minute by minute walk and not a show as well. It is “all” of me. It is day in and day out. The question I try to ask myself is “does what I am doing or saying honor God.” So if I am watching something X-rated well that is not honoring God. I love when I hear Junior say “I don’t think God would like that.” I find that he is trying to treat me how God wants him to treat me and I learn to treat Junior how God would want me to treat him. For me the only way I can begin to learn what God wants is to read my Bible and to talk to God daily or most days anyways. Now that I think about it I can’t remember a day in years now where I haven’t found time to talk, to read the Bible and meditate on God. Yup I like that feeling a ton. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 14 2013

September 14, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Oh joy. I woke up late, if I move to fast in the morning I can be sure I’ll spend some time hugging the toilet so I moved slowly but steadily and made it to church only to find out that the girls were done already. All the way home I had a queasy stomach from moving too quickly through my morning. I am home now, it is raining, again! I guess the elliptical will be my exercise today. Alex is curled up in my lap and frankly he feels real good. Again I realize he has been my comfort for many years now. He is beside me, quiet and sharing whatever mood I am in. My thought lately tends to go towards “the foolish will be wise and the wise will appear foolish”. I struggle to be taken seriously by the ones that matter a lot to me. For many years I coped through life being a dumb blonde. It saved me a few beatings, arguments and the like. So in my older years I now have confidence in whom and I am being perceived as dumb is hard to swallow. When I question Junior he tells me that I still pull out the dumb blonde act. I thought I have let it go to be honest and I realize I’ve done it for so long I don’t know how to present myself any other way. Junior though will treat me like I have a brain and insist that I use it so I love him all the more. As I make new friends I have found that I am treated like I have a brain, mainly because I don’t go dumb at the drop of a hat. Many think I am silly and that makes me happy. I like making people laugh. As I write I also realize that my stomach no longer gets tied up in knots. That feels real nice as well. I find that a faith walk with Jesus has helped me so much. Sometimes I cry and I tell God what is hurting and I feel God’s hand on me. Sometimes I need to chatter for the sake of running my mouth and thoughts so I tell God even if it is inane stuff. I also realize that I may not pray every day during the day but the night time/wake up time with God seems to keep me connected. Looking at the cross makes me continue to see how much God loves me/us. Lately I’ve seen pictures on Face Book of Jesus and the bloody ugly mess that he truly was. It hurts but I also see more clearly God’s love that He would allow His Son to be our redeemer. I then find myself trying to as open and honest as I can with God. Sometimes God has to guide me out of bad habits, sin really. Sometimes God holds me. For me I like that I am never ever alone. I tend to like to be around people, need people to help me do life and to enjoy life. To me having a faith walk with God is more than saying I believe. It is talking to God, learning how to listen to God and then learning to do what I am told. I also find a relationship with God to be much like my human relationships, the more I interact the closer I tend to be with them. If I don’t talk or hang out etc. much then we don’t tend to grow close. The same goes for a relationship with God. As I started my faith journey I was not sure how to draw real close to God. I started to pray the ACTSS prayer format at night and the first ten years of marriage, Junior and I prayed each day together. In that I learned how to draw close to God. Junior and I no longer pray daily like once did. I am sad and pray that we can make it work again at some point. Our several hour difference at getting up and around plays havoc with that. Still we each go to prayer on our own these days as well. For me my night time/wake up prayers tend to walk through Jesus’ last hours. In that I continue to see such love. I see that God wants me/us. I am important enough to die for. That is sobering. During the week I attempt to pray during the day. I start to beat myself up when I think I haven’t prayed throughout the day then I realize I am talking to God more and more. The prayers may not be the same day in and out but I do find I pray as I pass an accident. I pray for family, friends, neighbors and old coworkers several days a week. Sometimes I am wrestling with a problem and I talk to God and again I start to realize I am in conversation more than I realize. I also want to share the “Good News” and find myself not sure what to say. I am starting to realize it does not need to be “God/Jesus” every other word. It needs to be how I treat Junior each and every day. It needs to be not getting mad at the drop of the hat as I used to do. It means giving to others whether money or being a friend. My faith journey is a minute by minute walk and not a show as well. It is “all” of me. It is day in and day out. The question I try to ask myself is “does what I am doing or saying honor God.” So if I am watching something X-rated well that is not honoring God. I love when I hear Junior say “I don’t think God would like that.” I find that he is trying to treat me how God wants him to treat me and I learn to treat Junior how God would want me to treat him. For me the only way I can begin to learn what God wants is to read my Bible and to talk to God daily or most days anyways. Now that I think about it I can’t remember a day in years now where I haven’t found time to talk, to read the Bible and meditate on God. Yup I like that feeling a ton. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 11, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am back from WMU a missions group at church only to find out that this month’s meeting is cancelled due to a program they put on in the park each week. So goes life. Junior is napping and I always feel good when he slows down and stops for his daily nap. I know he needs them and when he takes them he can function longer into the day. It is part of who he is and for me I also am grateful he accepts me stopping and napping or even sitting. I find myself having goals to keep our house in order but I don’t do much. I am still overcoming a week away and a week of running. I am not happy with me but no matter how hard I try to get up and move I find I truly can’t. I mainly move from room to room and sit. It is what it is. The last couple of days when I get myself out on the deck the computer screen is hard to see so I come back inside and work on the computer. I do enjoy the screen door in the front entry way and I have that outside feeling as I look out Even the animals are napping right now. Alex is in Junior’s lap, the dogs are sprawled out on the floor and life is quiet and frankly I find it cute right now. What is it about sleeping babies? Even Junior looks real cute when he is sleeping. B and J have not been around in a while. I am not sure why but I move on. I am finally learning that who is around in my life is there and who isn’t well that is ok. At the right time people tend to show up and leave. Junior has moved the book case we had in the hallway to the front room as he puts up paneling and I am finding I feel disconnected with house up keep again. When it is done it will be pretty the bookcase will be put on the enclosed porch for storage and life will move forward for now though I struggle. I am not angry which is nice. The old “me” would have had a temper tantrum by now. The new me waits it out without fussing that the mess is there. I learn to stay quiet and not nag the man. There is a box for a ceiling fan in another chair. Another box is in another spot and I find a few others things scattered here and there. The TV area also has things piled up and I don’t know what to do with the extra stuff lying around. The porch has a new set of chairs setting on it alongside of other stuff and frankly this unorganized lifestyle wears on me. Again I am learning to keep quiet. I know somewhere deep inside of me down the road all the stuff will find a home in Junior’s time frame. I then think that there is no one else I’d rather be with than with this man and that means I take the good with the bad. I stop writing and look outside the screen door and I find myself relaxing again. These woods can do that for me. We have trees everywhere and mountains fill in a lot of the gaps. Then I hear a bird sing a song and see a humming bird fly in for a drink. These moments help me stay calm instead of giving into my anger. I realize I also am hard to deal with at times for Junior. I am not a saint. I give my thoughts on anything and everything. I move slowly myself these days and that is hard to handle at times. So two imperfect people live side by side and we continue to take our struggles to God who guides us out of anger into acceptance. I would say we each are well aware of the other one’s weak areas in life. That has been the nice thing in this marriage we both accept that our mate is not perfect. The more I feel accepted for all the parts of me the safer I feel. Junior spends money like no tomorrow. I do believe he is finally learning to live within our means and that takes a lot of fear out of my life. It may be another year or so before the finances will be where I’d like them to be but I also believe he is learning. I also think that allowing him to pay the bills was what was needed. It was hard to relinquish control but when I did this allowed Junior to face his own struggle. Again I found that taking my struggle to God has helped me not lose it. I don’t complain or at least I try not to. My goal is to learn how to deal with this man’s strange to me ways. God has always given me ways to wrap my brain around Junior’s strange to me ways and shown me how to cope. When I learn to step out of the way I find that God will deal with Junior and a lesson will be learned. I can as right as I can be but if I am in the way the lesson that needs to be learned doesn’t get learned. So I learn to go to God and ask for His guidance. I believe that our friendship is not what we have done as much how we have attempted to listen to God and let God do the correcting. It really works. It feels scary at times when I let go of the control but when I can I find us growing closer together. Junior goes out of his way to not live in the hoarding that he filled his house with at one time in his life. When I realize that he is working hard to meet me halfway then I find myself allowing him to be him and he accepts that I need more order. My standards are not what they once were and frankly it feels kind of nice. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 9 2013

September 9, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Another at home day and I realize I needed this time so much. We went to Norton yesterday to pick up my CPAP supplies only to find out I went the wrong month. I wound up getting a sick stomach so Junior brought me home and we did not shop. We had lunch on the porch. A gentle rain started coming down and we were not getting wet and well for me anyway I loved it. Alex is eating again and this girl is so happy. He is 18 so each struggle makes me wonder if the end is near. He has lost a lot of weight. Junior stuck him in a tub full of soap and the fleas that were all over him are gone. He even saw some blood and thinks that may be why he was not eating and losing weight. We spoil him now with ham for his meals our theory is if he will eat it great…..so the boy has always loved ham and now it is his daily diet if he eats I am thrilled. With the past couple of weeks and all the running I find I have needed to slow down and stay slow. When I have tried to run again too soon I find myself with a sick stomach ache so I slow down yet again and to be honest I am grateful that I am able to stop as I need to these days. I love the dream of this house. I love it nearing completion and yet there is a whole lot that still needs to be done. I start picturing days of the work all done and just a bit of fixing to be done on the house. I picture my routines and they comfort me. I do them often these days and the set-backs still happen but not as often or as long. These days I also start picturing myself adding a couple of craft projects to my day and that excites me as well. Junior has now found a place to get his prosthesis worked on or a new one and that is the very last thing we need to find and not go to MI for. We will go check the place out next week and again it is a 3 hr. drive from our house but in the same state now. I should say it is a day’s drive there and back since a lot of the places we go to are in Tennessee which for us is a few hours. The big hospitals and the specialists are there and most of the people around here tend to go to Tn. to see the specialists. It works. I continue to dream of the house being more or less finished. I realize we will always have a project to work on but it should not be the big project it has been. So far Junior has not made it inside to work on the kitchen yet. I keep thinking any time now and then another week a month goes by and nope he has not started in the kitchen. He wants to extend the deck all across the back of the house but right now he is working at shoring up the foundation and his plan is next summer add to the deck, we will see. For me if I did not get a bigger deck my feelings would not be hurt. When it is completed though I know I will love it even if the kitchen is another year down the road. As I sit and look out of the lace sheer curtains and the rain falling gently I fall in love with my house yet again. I marvel that we’ve owned the house for three years now and have lived in it for 2 ½ years and I am as in love or more in love with this house as the day we discovered it. I love taking care of this place more and more. Some weeks I go great guns and some weeks I move so slow but overall I am taking care of my home and that too excites me to no end. Retirement has been a struggle so far but now I am moving into the routines and frankly I love it. I truly see Junior and I growing older very old in fact in this place. We are also setting the house up where if it becomes too big we will be able to close off a portion of the house and have an apartment sized place to keep up with. I like that a ton. Many older people tend to move to assisted living and have a very small place to call home. Our thinking is if we set the house up to live in that amount of space if need be then we won’t need to move into assisted living. I also love having a gas fireplace and a wood burning stove. That way if the power is out we have a back- up system in place. Down the road we will get a whole house generator which means it truly would be a seamless moment where we hardly realize the power is out but for now we have heat and we have a well on the property so if the city water is off, we still can get water. The goal for this home is to be able to stay in it as long as we can and grow old in it. I do believe we are working towards that goal and frankly that feels good. At some point we will go back and widen the doorways a bit more but for now they have not been widened. We realize that projects on a home are a never ending process so we are good with that. We won’t have to paint much since we have wood paneling well actual planks of wood on the walls and ceilings. We also have everything on one floor and we are starting to put a wheelchair ramp for the outside. The gravel is around the property so if need be we don’t even have to mow the lawn although we still keep the grass short at present. Junior has a riding lawnmower and that helps him a ton. I like that we are attempting to stay put and not have to move. If we do then we will but the goal is to stay here until the end. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 9 2013

September 9, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Another at home day and I realize I needed this time so much. We went to Norton yesterday to pick up my CPAP supplies only to find out I went the wrong month. I wound up getting a sick stomach so Junior brought me home and we did not shop. We had lunch on the porch. A gentle rain started coming down and we were not getting wet and well for me anyway I loved it. Alex is eating again and this girl is so happy. He is 18 so each struggle makes me wonder if the end is near. He has lost a lot of weight. Junior stuck him in a tub full of soap and the fleas that were all over him are gone. He even saw some blood and thinks that may be why he was not eating and losing weight. We spoil him now with ham for his meals our theory is if he will eat it great…..so the boy has always loved ham and now it is his daily diet if he eats I am thrilled. With the past couple of weeks and all the running I find I have needed to slow down and stay slow. When I have tried to run again too soon I find myself with a sick stomach ache so I slow down yet again and to be honest I am grateful that I am able to stop as I need to these days. I love the dream of this house. I love it nearing completion and yet there is a whole lot that still needs to be done. I start picturing days of the work all done and just a bit of fixing to be done on the house. I picture my routines and they comfort me. I do them often these days and the set-backs still happen but not as often or as long. These days I also start picturing myself adding a couple of craft projects to my day and that excites me as well. Junior has now found a place to get his prosthesis worked on or a new one and that is the very last thing we need to find and not go to MI for. We will go check the place out next week and again it is a 3 hr. drive from our house but in the same state now. I should say it is a day’s drive there and back since a lot of the places we go to are in Tennessee which for us is a few hours. The big hospitals and the specialists are there and most of the people around here tend to go to Tn. to see the specialists. It works. I continue to dream of the house being more or less finished. I realize we will always have a project to work on but it should not be the big project it has been. So far Junior has not made it inside to work on the kitchen yet. I keep thinking any time now and then another week a month goes by and nope he has not started in the kitchen. He wants to extend the deck all across the back of the house but right now he is working at shoring up the foundation and his plan is next summer add to the deck, we will see. For me if I did not get a bigger deck my feelings would not be hurt. When it is completed though I know I will love it even if the kitchen is another year down the road. As I sit and look out of the lace sheer curtains and the rain falling gently I fall in love with my house yet again. I marvel that we’ve owned the house for three years now and have lived in it for 2 ½ years and I am as in love or more in love with this house as the day we discovered it. I love taking care of this place more and more. Some weeks I go great guns and some weeks I move so slow but overall I am taking care of my home and that too excites me to no end. Retirement has been a struggle so far but now I am moving into the routines and frankly I love it. I truly see Junior and I growing older very old in fact in this place. We are also setting the house up where if it becomes too big we will be able to close off a portion of the house and have an apartment sized place to keep up with. I like that a ton. Many older people tend to move to assisted living and have a very small place to call home. Our thinking is if we set the house up to live in that amount of space if need be then we won’t need to move into assisted living. I also love having a gas fireplace and a wood burning stove. That way if the power is out we have a back- up system in place. Down the road we will get a whole house generator which means it truly would be a seamless moment where we hardly realize the power is out but for now we have heat and we have a well on the property so if the city water is off, we still can get water. The goal for this home is to be able to stay in it as long as we can and grow old in it. I do believe we are working towards that goal and frankly that feels good. At some point we will go back and widen the doorways a bit more but for now they have not been widened. We realize that projects on a home are a never ending process so we are good with that. We won’t have to paint much since we have wood paneling well actual planks of wood on the walls and ceilings. We also have everything on one floor and we are starting to put a wheelchair ramp for the outside. The gravel is around the property so if need be we don’t even have to mow the lawn although we still keep the grass short at present. Junior has a riding lawnmower and that helps him a ton. I like that we are attempting to stay put and not have to move. If we do then we will but the goal is to stay here until the end. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 9 2013

September 9, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Another at home day and I realize I needed this time so much. We went to Norton yesterday to pick up my CPAP supplies only to find out I went the wrong month. I wound up getting a sick stomach so Junior brought me home and we did not shop. We had lunch on the porch. A gentle rain started coming down and we were not getting wet and well for me anyway I loved it. Alex is eating again and this girl is so happy. He is 18 so each struggle makes me wonder if the end is near. He has lost a lot of weight. Junior stuck him in a tub full of soap and the fleas that were all over him are gone. He even saw some blood and thinks that may be why he was not eating and losing weight. We spoil him now with ham for his meals our theory is if he will eat it great…..so the boy has always loved ham and now it is his daily diet if he eats I am thrilled. With the past couple of weeks and all the running I find I have needed to slow down and stay slow. When I have tried to run again too soon I find myself with a sick stomach ache so I slow down yet again and to be honest I am grateful that I am able to stop as I need to these days. I love the dream of this house. I love it nearing completion and yet there is a whole lot that still needs to be done. I start picturing days of the work all done and just a bit of fixing to be done on the house. I picture my routines and they comfort me. I do them often these days and the set-backs still happen but not as often or as long. These days I also start picturing myself adding a couple of craft projects to my day and that excites me as well. Junior has now found a place to get his prosthesis worked on or a new one and that is the very last thing we need to find and not go to MI for. We will go check the place out next week and again it is a 3 hr. drive from our house but in the same state now. I should say it is a day’s drive there and back since a lot of the places we go to are in Tennessee which for us is a few hours. The big hospitals and the specialists are there and most of the people around here tend to go to Tn. to see the specialists. It works. I continue to dream of the house being more or less finished. I realize we will always have a project to work on but it should not be the big project it has been. So far Junior has not made it inside to work on the kitchen yet. I keep thinking any time now and then another week a month goes by and nope he has not started in the kitchen. He wants to extend the deck all across the back of the house but right now he is working at shoring up the foundation and his plan is next summer add to the deck, we will see. For me if I did not get a bigger deck my feelings would not be hurt. When it is completed though I know I will love it even if the kitchen is another year down the road. As I sit and look out of the lace sheer curtains and the rain falling gently I fall in love with my house yet again. I marvel that we’ve owned the house for three years now and have lived in it for 2 ½ years and I am as in love or more in love with this house as the day we discovered it. I love taking care of this place more and more. Some weeks I go great guns and some weeks I move so slow but overall I am taking care of my home and that too excites me to no end. Retirement has been a struggle so far but now I am moving into the routines and frankly I love it. I truly see Junior and I growing older very old in fact in this place. We are also setting the house up where if it becomes too big we will be able to close off a portion of the house and have an apartment sized place to keep up with. I like that a ton. Many older people tend to move to assisted living and have a very small place to call home. Our thinking is if we set the house up to live in that amount of space if need be then we won’t need to move into assisted living. I also love having a gas fireplace and a wood burning stove. That way if the power is out we have a back- up system in place. Down the road we will get a whole house generator which means it truly would be a seamless moment where we hardly realize the power is out but for now we have heat and we have a well on the property so if the city water is off, we still can get water. The goal for this home is to be able to stay in it as long as we can and grow old in it. I do believe we are working towards that goal and frankly that feels good. At some point we will go back and widen the doorways a bit more but for now they have not been widened. We realize that projects on a home are a never ending process so we are good with that. We won’t have to paint much since we have wood paneling well actual planks of wood on the walls and ceilings. We also have everything on one floor and we are starting to put a wheelchair ramp for the outside. The gravel is around the property so if need be we don’t even have to mow the lawn although we still keep the grass short at present. Junior has a riding lawnmower and that helps him a ton. I like that we are attempting to stay put and not have to move. If we do then we will but the goal is to stay here until the end. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

September 7, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Another at home day and I am so happy. We went to Williamsburg to see the granddaughter play softball in the world -series we came home and spent two days in Johnson City for doctor appointments and frankly I am wore out from all the running. I need this down time in a big way! Junior is on the phone switching our investment accounts to another company. Our Financial guy has not contacted us at all this year so we believe it is time to move on. I have had my two cups of coffee, oatmeal and now I am eating fruit……so slowly I am making my way through this morning. I’ve opened the front door and am looking out the screen door watching hummingbirds fly in for a drink, listening to the quietness outside. I feel my insides slowly settle down and enjoy the sensation. I find that I needed some down time and I am thrilled it is finally here. We have found a bench or two that I want to incorporate into the seating space around the house and I am looking forward to finding a home for the new pieces. I am anxious to try out the steam mop we bought. Now that Junior has a few layers of wax on the wood floors he feels that a steam mop will be safe to use. Slowly I sip on flavored coffee and enjoy the taste as it goes down my throat. I think a bit and find myself content with life overall. A few short years ago I found life to be hard and depressing now though I find I enjoy it beyond measure. I have accepted that I am not the most popular Mom, Grandma etc. I am sad but at the same time I’d do it all over again. I am finally out of the grips of “That Man.” It has been four years since I have had to have face to face contact and I am finding a peace settle within me. Junior continues to teach me that life with or without family is ok. It is the faith journey that has helped me the most and I find if God loves me then life is good. Anything more is icing on the cake. I have a peace that I did the best at being a mother that I knew how to at the time. I have a peace that I had a violent relationship with my children’s father. It was all I knew at the time but a faith journey and counseling and I no longer have a violent temper. It has been a lot of work but…….I have overcome with God’s help. I continue to seek God to guide me into who He wants me to be and frankly I am learning to be content in that. The more I am able to give myself over to God the more contentment I feel. I have also accepted a body that does not do what it once did. I am good with that to be honest. I have learned to slow down, stay at home for days on end and enjoy being home. I love the beautiful nature that is around me and the quietness of country life. I have learned to do what I can when I can sit when I can’t and life continues to move along fairly nicely. The house continues to take shape as Junior finishes projects. I still feel befuddled with the chaos of renovating so I move through it the best I can. Junior continues to finish projects so I have a hope that someday things won’t be a flutter. As the home takes shape though I sense a day where control and order will reign and I won’t be a mess anymore. Junior has not given in to his hoarding desires and he continues to try to meet me half way in keeping order which is how I thrive best in order. We both work at keeping the house clean and that is nice. The bathroom needs the washing machine moved to the laundry area. Junior hates to do plumbing so it is low on the list to get out of the bathroom. Still I can see a day where even the bathroom will be done with a new ceiling and painted and pretty. The more our home takes shape and has order I find myself not feeling so confused. I truly am a person who needs order and when dis order reigns I am confused. It is what it is. Junior accepts this flaw in my nature and I am grateful. We work around my confusion. I truly believe in the future we will live the orderly life I have lived in the past. I like that feeling a ton. The nice thing is that when life settles again I find myself working back into routines and that brings comfort to my addled brain. As life continues to settle I find myself adding to my days. I have the quilt project, some cross stitch projects and soon I will start doing Yoga again. In my heart I believe that the Yoga will help me stay agile longer. So soon I will start adding that to my day. So life goes astray from time to time and then I work at order again. Frankly I like seeing each day making more sense again. I like that life is full as well. I was so afraid after years of working and keeping up a home etc. that being retired would be boring….that is not so. Being retired means I can move as my body is able to. I sleep as I am able and frankly that feels nice over all. I find that I truly don’t miss the day to day grind of get up, go to work, volunteer etc. I move at a pace that is easier these days and I am grateful. I try to keep my heart focused on God and His direction for my life. I love writing so I write. I love walking so I walk. I love Junior beyond measure and he loves me and well that is awesome! May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet

September 4 2013

September 4, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today was another run to Johnson City and I could not wake up so Junior went on without me. It was 3:00 am before I shut my eyes to sleep so there was no waking up at 7:00 am…..it is what it is. Junior went on and I got up around 10:30……not bad. I made lunch, made the bed and cleaned up then went for a short walk up the first killer hill. I sat on the deck to spend time but the sun is so that I can’t see the screen so I come in and write and work my way outside here and there. I ate lunch on the deck. Junior has put up a ledge where we will eat and it worked perfectly. Alex helped me eat some of my meat. He is getting so thin and frankly I tell myself I may not have my friend much longer. It makes me sad till I realize we’ve been friends for around 18 years and then I count my blessings. Alex was with me during the lonely days after my divorce, he snuggled me through cancer and he gave me purpose when I felt like giving up on life. It is hard for me to think I may not have him much longer. Once more I begin my grieving process before the end gets here. It is who I am and how I process my grief and you know what? That is ok. In some ways I am shedding my tears now. I realize that this relationship can’t last forever and I am starting to let go. When the time comes I may hardly cry because I am doing it now. It is how I said good-bye to Mom and Dad…..we knew that the end was coming and as it got real close I began the let go process before they left this life. I have started asking for Alex’s replacement as well. I truly can’t imagine life without a warm furry body to share my life with. I love our dogs and our other three cats but they aren’t Alex. Blanko is also getting old and I see him leaving us soon. Blanko is Junior’s guy and I am sad as well. Some part of me feels that if we continue our pet family as we get older they will be at our side when life hands out its lemons. The pet children tend to give my day definition as well. I like that feeling. I am important to them or so they make me feel. Once more I marvel at God. I again believe in my heart that if I was not in this relationship I would be a very lost and lonely woman. God though reminds me often that I do matter and I have a purpose in His kingdom. I like that feeling a lot. As I can’t do what I once did God continues to show me things I am able to do and that helps me feel like I am not a waste of anybody’s life. As Junior continues to finish projects around the house I sometimes believe deep inside of me that we will see 50 years of marriage. As Junior continues to make things just right for the two of us I find myself marveling at his talent. This week Junior has built a table to the railing so we can sit and look out while we eat. I find myself marveling at my guy yet again. My 60th birthday is in a few weeks. I am for the first time in my life not dreading the decade change. I find I am grateful for the life I’ve lived, for God getting me out of an abusive relationship and in a marriage where my husband truly cherishes me. As I move around with my cane I find myself depending on it more and more. I am thankful even though I am not as agile as I once was. I have seen life at its worst and I have enjoyed God’s creation of a man and woman and marvel at the special closeness I feel I am also happy to find out the degree to which my disability will affect me and I am not angry with it. I had many good years being very agile and able bodied and well I am ok with a less agile body these days. When I have sleepless nights I have a routine I go through as I wait till sleep overtakes me. I like that feeling and I am in awe that the old fear of being up and being hurt are fairly much gone. I watch DIY programs until sleep overtakes me and then I head to bed. I am happy that I was able to connect with my son and grandchildren on a travel league game. I was so happy to see my granddaughter play, my grandson look bored occupying himself while his sister got the attention. I am happy that I am a loved wife and that fighting constantly is not part of the package. I like that we fight less and less as we live with each other. We don’t overlook problems we just don’t find things to get worked up about. When we have a moment of disagreement we work through the struggle and are friends fairly quickly again and that is nice. I continue to find that I did what I did, lived what I lived and in old age I don’t care if I am not wealthy beyond my imagination. I don’t care if I have name brand clothes and furniture from the best furniture galleries. I don’t care if I live in the latest model of a home. I like my life a bunch and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. Junior teaching me to wear thrift store clothes has been a blessing beyond words. I like using that money I would have used to buy brand name clothes for other things, even giving some of it to others instead of myself. Yup life is good, I have what I need and that is ok. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

August 31 2013

August 31, 2013 Greetings My Friend, We are home from church and Sunday school. We had a Hardee’s lunch and now it is time to relax and regroup. I took Daisy outside and she was glad for that opportunity. We are truly becoming friends and she trusts me and yup I like that a lot. We took Daisy to the street fair we went to yesterday and several people told me how cute she was and I felt like a young mother again all proud of my child. I take Daisy out several times throughout the day and I feed her as well. These routines are helping me out a bunch. At times I feel less stable than I was a few short weeks ago. I keep tripping rather easily. I’ve decided to use the can in the house now. I wasn’t using it but the more I trip I realize I need it at home as well. I even take to bed at night and place it near the bed so when I get up at night I can rely on that. For the longest time I was holding onto the edge of the bed or the wall was my stabilizer. At this point I believe using the can should help me. Junior is a clutter bug. He does not feel safe with a spotless home. I mentioned about how much I am tripping and that maybe some clutter needs to cut from our home. He did not understand and at this stage I understand that he doesn’t get it. Years ago I would have pitched a fit and insisted on my way but now I find that I can use the cane and stay stable and well it is not worth a huge fight to get what I want. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that Junior does not see a mess like I see a mess so he can’t clean things to my standard. Is he insensitive? No, not really. I have learned that Junior’s heart is a generous kind heart and that sometimes we can’t see what other’s see. Because Junior tries to meet me half way on most things I find I can work around things that he can’t see. He lets me have my quirks as well and again it isn’t worth a fight. After he finished building the cabinet in the hallway he cleaned up the front entry way real nice. He vacuumed the floors, put away the things that belongs on the new cabinet and in general picked up the room rather nicely. I saw him trying to meet my standards and I found myself appreciating him again. To be honest at times I do believe I am getting more unstable. I can be upset and get depressed or I can learn how to handle the unstable moments and move on. I like the second idea better. Right now Junior is hooking up the DVD player for me so I can start using my exercise tapes soon. I needed to sew something on the sewing machine yesterday and I can’t see the needle so Junior threaded the needle for me. When we went to the street fair in town yesterday he had me sit down since the weather was so hot. I get sick and he made sure I stopped and rested before we continued on. So Junior can’t see a mess and isn’t concerned about cleaning it up…..I can deal with this. At times I sense Junior is watching me in a protective way. He may not say anything but he is taking in the situation and when the time comes for me to move into a different direction he will guide me toward that end. To be honest that feels nice. I find myself watching out for Junior as well. I’d like to fuss at him about doing too much. I don’t though because he does not want to be fussed over. When he says he hurts I don’t insist he do more. I encourage him to take his naps. I like learning to be what Junior needs more than giving him what I think he needs. The only way I can do this is to have a consistent conversation with God and asking God to guide me to be what Junior needs me to be. Junior has the kitchen, a new deck to add onto the new old deck he just built. First he had to shore up the foundation so it would not collapse. He has our master bedroom he needs to do. He is running out of steam and we are looking to see if we can get hired help to help him finish up these last projects. Since the people in this area don’t seem to work much we will seek help in TN which is a couple hours from our home. Here in VA we could not get people to give us an estimate much less do the work Junior has enjoyed putting his mark on our home. Now though he needs to slack off. That is ok. Even if we hire the rest to be done he will still have his mark on the work by the requests he makes as to how it is done. Junior has had some outstanding ideas and I love them so much. He has made this place just what we need and it is awesome. To me our home is so comfortable. I don’t want to live anywhere else but here for as long as we can. That is such a nice feeling to be honest. Not only has Junior made great improvements throughout the house I continue to find I don’t want to be with any other man but him. We enjoy watching out for each other. It feels nice to be wanted. Before Junior came into my life I was never sure I was wanted and now I feel wanted every day. Thank you Lord! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet