September 14 2013

September 14, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Oh joy. I woke up late, if I move to fast in the morning I can be sure I’ll spend some time hugging the toilet so I moved slowly but steadily and made it to church only to find out that the girls were done already. All the way home I had a queasy stomach from moving too quickly through my morning. I am home now, it is raining, again! I guess the elliptical will be my exercise today. Alex is curled up in my lap and frankly he feels real good. Again I realize he has been my comfort for many years now. He is beside me, quiet and sharing whatever mood I am in. My thought lately tends to go towards “the foolish will be wise and the wise will appear foolish”. I struggle to be taken seriously by the ones that matter a lot to me. For many years I coped through life being a dumb blonde. It saved me a few beatings, arguments and the like. So in my older years I now have confidence in whom and I am being perceived as dumb is hard to swallow. When I question Junior he tells me that I still pull out the dumb blonde act. I thought I have let it go to be honest and I realize I’ve done it for so long I don’t know how to present myself any other way. Junior though will treat me like I have a brain and insist that I use it so I love him all the more. As I make new friends I have found that I am treated like I have a brain, mainly because I don’t go dumb at the drop of a hat. Many think I am silly and that makes me happy. I like making people laugh. As I write I also realize that my stomach no longer gets tied up in knots. That feels real nice as well. I find that a faith walk with Jesus has helped me so much. Sometimes I cry and I tell God what is hurting and I feel God’s hand on me. Sometimes I need to chatter for the sake of running my mouth and thoughts so I tell God even if it is inane stuff. I also realize that I may not pray every day during the day but the night time/wake up time with God seems to keep me connected. Looking at the cross makes me continue to see how much God loves me/us. Lately I’ve seen pictures on Face Book of Jesus and the bloody ugly mess that he truly was. It hurts but I also see more clearly God’s love that He would allow His Son to be our redeemer. I then find myself trying to as open and honest as I can with God. Sometimes God has to guide me out of bad habits, sin really. Sometimes God holds me. For me I like that I am never ever alone. I tend to like to be around people, need people to help me do life and to enjoy life. To me having a faith walk with God is more than saying I believe. It is talking to God, learning how to listen to God and then learning to do what I am told. I also find a relationship with God to be much like my human relationships, the more I interact the closer I tend to be with them. If I don’t talk or hang out etc. much then we don’t tend to grow close. The same goes for a relationship with God. As I started my faith journey I was not sure how to draw real close to God. I started to pray the ACTSS prayer format at night and the first ten years of marriage, Junior and I prayed each day together. In that I learned how to draw close to God. Junior and I no longer pray daily like once did. I am sad and pray that we can make it work again at some point. Our several hour difference at getting up and around plays havoc with that. Still we each go to prayer on our own these days as well. For me my night time/wake up prayers tend to walk through Jesus’ last hours. In that I continue to see such love. I see that God wants me/us. I am important enough to die for. That is sobering. During the week I attempt to pray during the day. I start to beat myself up when I think I haven’t prayed throughout the day then I realize I am talking to God more and more. The prayers may not be the same day in and out but I do find I pray as I pass an accident. I pray for family, friends, neighbors and old coworkers several days a week. Sometimes I am wrestling with a problem and I talk to God and again I start to realize I am in conversation more than I realize. I also want to share the “Good News” and find myself not sure what to say. I am starting to realize it does not need to be “God/Jesus” every other word. It needs to be how I treat Junior each and every day. It needs to be not getting mad at the drop of the hat as I used to do. It means giving to others whether money or being a friend. My faith journey is a minute by minute walk and not a show as well. It is “all” of me. It is day in and day out. The question I try to ask myself is “does what I am doing or saying honor God.” So if I am watching something X-rated well that is not honoring God. I love when I hear Junior say “I don’t think God would like that.” I find that he is trying to treat me how God wants him to treat me and I learn to treat Junior how God would want me to treat him. For me the only way I can begin to learn what God wants is to read my Bible and to talk to God daily or most days anyways. Now that I think about it I can’t remember a day in years now where I haven’t found time to talk, to read the Bible and meditate on God. Yup I like that feeling a ton. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet