September 11, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am back from WMU a missions group at church only to find out that this month’s meeting is cancelled due to a program they put on in the park each week. So goes life. Junior is napping and I always feel good when he slows down and stops for his daily nap. I know he needs them and when he takes them he can function longer into the day. It is part of who he is and for me I also am grateful he accepts me stopping and napping or even sitting. I find myself having goals to keep our house in order but I don’t do much. I am still overcoming a week away and a week of running. I am not happy with me but no matter how hard I try to get up and move I find I truly can’t. I mainly move from room to room and sit. It is what it is. The last couple of days when I get myself out on the deck the computer screen is hard to see so I come back inside and work on the computer. I do enjoy the screen door in the front entry way and I have that outside feeling as I look out Even the animals are napping right now. Alex is in Junior’s lap, the dogs are sprawled out on the floor and life is quiet and frankly I find it cute right now. What is it about sleeping babies? Even Junior looks real cute when he is sleeping. B and J have not been around in a while. I am not sure why but I move on. I am finally learning that who is around in my life is there and who isn’t well that is ok. At the right time people tend to show up and leave. Junior has moved the book case we had in the hallway to the front room as he puts up paneling and I am finding I feel disconnected with house up keep again. When it is done it will be pretty the bookcase will be put on the enclosed porch for storage and life will move forward for now though I struggle. I am not angry which is nice. The old “me” would have had a temper tantrum by now. The new me waits it out without fussing that the mess is there. I learn to stay quiet and not nag the man. There is a box for a ceiling fan in another chair. Another box is in another spot and I find a few others things scattered here and there. The TV area also has things piled up and I don’t know what to do with the extra stuff lying around. The porch has a new set of chairs setting on it alongside of other stuff and frankly this unorganized lifestyle wears on me. Again I am learning to keep quiet. I know somewhere deep inside of me down the road all the stuff will find a home in Junior’s time frame. I then think that there is no one else I’d rather be with than with this man and that means I take the good with the bad. I stop writing and look outside the screen door and I find myself relaxing again. These woods can do that for me. We have trees everywhere and mountains fill in a lot of the gaps. Then I hear a bird sing a song and see a humming bird fly in for a drink. These moments help me stay calm instead of giving into my anger. I realize I also am hard to deal with at times for Junior. I am not a saint. I give my thoughts on anything and everything. I move slowly myself these days and that is hard to handle at times. So two imperfect people live side by side and we continue to take our struggles to God who guides us out of anger into acceptance. I would say we each are well aware of the other one’s weak areas in life. That has been the nice thing in this marriage we both accept that our mate is not perfect. The more I feel accepted for all the parts of me the safer I feel. Junior spends money like no tomorrow. I do believe he is finally learning to live within our means and that takes a lot of fear out of my life. It may be another year or so before the finances will be where I’d like them to be but I also believe he is learning. I also think that allowing him to pay the bills was what was needed. It was hard to relinquish control but when I did this allowed Junior to face his own struggle. Again I found that taking my struggle to God has helped me not lose it. I don’t complain or at least I try not to. My goal is to learn how to deal with this man’s strange to me ways. God has always given me ways to wrap my brain around Junior’s strange to me ways and shown me how to cope. When I learn to step out of the way I find that God will deal with Junior and a lesson will be learned. I can as right as I can be but if I am in the way the lesson that needs to be learned doesn’t get learned. So I learn to go to God and ask for His guidance. I believe that our friendship is not what we have done as much how we have attempted to listen to God and let God do the correcting. It really works. It feels scary at times when I let go of the control but when I can I find us growing closer together. Junior goes out of his way to not live in the hoarding that he filled his house with at one time in his life. When I realize that he is working hard to meet me halfway then I find myself allowing him to be him and he accepts that I need more order. My standards are not what they once were and frankly it feels kind of nice. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet