September 16, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Here I sit. The pretty re-arranged front entry way is a shambles of junk. There is a ladder under the overhead light and the light is missing. A ceiling fan sits in a chair. The old light sits in another chair. The bookcase that was in the hallway is in the entry way. A pile of clothes sits on an end table and yup I’m about ready to go insane. A few short days ago B and I went to town adding a chair to the entry way, rearranging it and fussing it till it looked just right and now……this…..stuff. So goes life with Junior. I love the man a ton and at the same time I think I will go crazy. My forward movement came to a crashing halt in one day. I slept most of the day yesterday. I don’t know why but I did. At the same time I even fell asleep at bedtime till morning. It was a rainy yucky day overall so was I sleepy due to weather or depression? It is hard to say why. Today I have put on a pot of cheese soup, gone to town to pick up a few items, wrote in my journal, and folded a load of clothes, read my Bible and even more stuff I can’t remember. My funk of yesterday seems to be gone. That makes me real happy. Junior and J went to Norton. Junior had an appointment with the VA and J is putting out applications everywhere he can put one. I have been my own woman for the most part and have enjoyed my time alone. Junior and J are now back. Junior is taking his afternoon nap and J is outside working. I have finally figured out how to get onto Twitter and have been dabbling with that. So far I am enjoying the thoughts that come on the page. I’m not sure where this will take me but for now I will check it out. While in town I picked up a few dog chews for our dogs. They are happily chewing to their hearts content. It does not take much to make these guys happy. They have also helped me eat the pizza crusts I don’t generally eat. They think it is a treat and I won’t tell them differently. As I was talking to P the other day I mentioned my struggle with God I’ve been working on. My whole life I heard that if I made life about “me” then I was self-centered. God wants me to make all my life about Him, so isn’t that self-centered? Why must I always have questions? I do and I have quit worrying about them and have decided that God wants me to ask “why” all the time. I don’t sense God being angry with me. I find myself contemplating a lot and then sharing what I learn. I am learning that for some reason “making God the center of everything” is not the same as making life all about “me.” The more I make life about God the more peace and contentment I sense. I am accepting that I am not famous, rich or flat out beautiful by the world’s standards. At present I think that emulating God’s way works so well. Agape love is seeking the highest good of others. The more I attempt to think outside of myself I tend to find myself not worrying and fretting and to be honest I like that a ton. God loves me with Agape love. The more I try to immolate God then the more life tends to make sense to me. I am also working past the need to be perfect. As the oldest child I think I want to be perfect in everything. I find I am not and then I beat myself up for it. The more I allow God to be God and realize that I will never be perfect the more peace I find. I don’t try to do things wrong or bad. Sometimes I do though and at this point in my life I no longer give myself lectures for being so….”stupid.” I am learning to see where I was and where I am and that helps me move forward even more so. Again I find that I am in a faith journey not a faith I have arrived moment and forever. The journey gives me permission to mess up from time to time. It gives me permission to get up, dust off and to start over again. When I can allow myself to begin again I begin to see changes within me and I begin to like “me” even more so. Again Junior also helps me with the “quit” beating myself up part of life. I truly believe God points out our flaws not to harm us and to point His finger at us in disgust. I truly believe God tells me my flaws for my “good.” God wants me to enjoy life and if I am allowing a sin to rule me then I will never get to know that joy. Most people aren’t interested in how bad you feel anyway. I think I always felt bad to show my remorse and the older I get the more I realize people don’t see it. I also think that when I forgive myself people tend to see that more so. One of the things I love to do is make people giggle. Anytime I go to the store I tend to get silly for the cashier. At the drugstore the other day the ladies said they loved when we came in. That comment made me feel real nice. I worked in a toy store for a few years and especially at Christmas people tend to be real cranky. My theory is that by being silly I may have brought a moment of joy to someone’s life for a bit any way. I also believe that one of my gifts for God is to be an encourager. By making people giggle I think I am encouraging people to enjoy the moment. Writing about the things I discover in life is another way to encourage people. As an oldest child I always was to “set the example” so I try to be what people see whether at home or out in public. I like that as well. I no longer live one way behind closed doors and have an outside personality. I tend to be the same in both places and frankly that is easier to remember to be one way. So I walk daily with God by reading my Bible, praying, living a life that I hear God teaching me to live. Some people are called to be famous and some are called to live day by day and moment by moment and both tend to get God’s message out. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet