September 28 2013

September 25 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is Labor Day as I write. The holidays are now different since I’ve retired. I am not trying to rest and regroup with each day off like I was at the end of my career. Frankly it is another day and it feels nice. We went to a street fair this past weekend so in a small way we are celebrating. My heart goes out the Veterans fairly much daily. I am thankful, hopeful often. Junior’s military service for me is a firsthand experience of what our military people endure so we can live in a free land. Some nights as we drift off to sleep I find my man’s face contorted in pain. He does not talk about his pain often but at times I see it written on his face. Going without a foot has created its share of problems for him. He gait is off even with prosthesis and as a result his back is out of whack big time. He also has hip problems due to the amputation. To add to that he also has nightmares. I tend to watch him live through the war over and over even though it was 40 years ago. Daisy and I are getting into our routines rather nicely. As I write she is on my lap and I feel a peace inside of me. We start off each morning with a quick walk outside to let her empty her bladder and bowels. We come in and she sits with me as I do the computer routine. I find her to be a comfort. I find also that I continue to come out of myself as I try to meet her needs. I feed her, walk her and she is going pretty much everywhere I go. I like having a constant companion and I don’t wear Junior out with needing so much attention. Daisy also prompted me to change my hair style. I have been highlighting it for a while now. With her kinky hair I thought I’d like to go back to the perm route. I have done it and yup I am happy with this style and I can see me doing this for a long time. Junior likes my hair curly looking. The women of his generation were big on curling their hair and he enjoyed the look. My generation was into wearing our hair straight and I have liked that look. I also have waves of curl that come out in the humidity and want to go their own way. When I went through menopause my hair went curly and as I came out of menopause it went back to fairly straight again. With the perm I don’t have to worry about the stray curls that try to pop out in my hair. It truly is a wash and wear hair style and frankly that fits my personality so well. Junior has finished his latest project. He has cleaned up the mess and I am once more attempting to follow a routine with housework. I continue to find a peace with another routine taking shape in my life. Looking after Daisy tends to help me as well. As I write I find my mind wanting to drift back into a painful moment. My birthday has come and gone and neither child called, wrote or acknowledged this big event. I feel sad. I then think about the precious time spent with Junior at the Holiday Inn and I move out of sadness. I feel Daisy breathing on my leg and I focus on what I do have and not what I don’t have. I am happy I am able to move out of the sadness rather quickly these days. My latest favorite motto comes to mind “it is what it is.” I am able to let go and let God and frankly I begin living in the present instead of the “would of’s of life.” I sip on my coffee, eat a handful of popcorn and look out the screen door. There is a hummingbird coming in for a drink. I hear a car coming down the road and peace settles my soul. I find that God loves me to no end and in that I feel like I matter. After I finish writing the dogs and I will take a morning walk. I love that routine and as I walk I will marvel at the beauty that surrounds us. I will laugh at the “children’s” antics. I find that I have a life and it is a good life and well that is ok. I no longer live in constant fear and I like that feeling a whole lot. Junior continues to feel so safe to me. I am grateful our life is not filled with daily battles. He is a messy and I am a neat freak but somehow we tend to meld our differences and they don’t divide us. I am grateful for Junior’s patience as I have fallen apart and have come back to being the “Janet” he married only better in some ways. I have more physical struggles and we work through them. His struggles are still there and we live with them. Frankly life is sweet and I love it. Gone are the days where I needed to feel love, feel wanted and wanted to impress people with the things I owned. I am “who” I am and frankly I think I am a nice person a caring person. If others don’t want me then I believe I will hang with the ones that don’t find me so offensive. I find I tend to make people giggle and when I hear them giggle at my antics I tell them “the more you laugh at me you only encourage me” and then I get another giggle. The people that “own” me also treat me like I have a good brain and don’t treat me like I am so stupid that I should give up on life. They like my ideas. It feels good to not be looked at as a stupid woman. As I feel accepted and wanted I find myself not mourning what I don’t have. I enjoy being enjoyed by others. So life moves on rather nicely and I live and enter into each day with joy. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet