September 25 2013

September 25, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 60 years old. I marvel that I have lived that long. I marvel that life going into my older years continues to feel good. I am useful. I am wanted and frankly life is very sweet. Junior is taking me to a hotel in town that has a pool. Out here in SWVA there seems to be no indoor pools so I can do water aerobics. I have looked and looked for a place and have yet to find one that I can go to for exercise. Since we won’t be going to MI as often my hope is he will treat us to a hotel more often just so I can do my water aerobics. I am exercising at home. I walk and as soon as Junior hooks the new DVD player up I will start with Yoga and Dancing to the Oldies. I am hoping to get a couple more exercise videos and use one each week. Each decade change throughout my life has found me depressed. This time I am welcoming it. I like that feeling. Junior makes me feel beautiful even in an older and heavier body. Again I tell Junior I love our boring life and mean it. Gone are the days of fighting over each detail in life. Gone are the days of striking out in anger. Gone is the anger for anger’s sake. I have also come to terms that I am not popular, made a ton of money or live in a fancy house. Yup I lived my life it turned out the way it turned out and I move into old age marveling at God’s provision yet again. Daisy is filling a void I have had for some time. I must take care of her needs. Before I have a cup of coffee I need to take her outside to use the bathroom. I must take her out throughout the day. I need to comb her hair often. I don’t have do a fancy job with her hair, just keep it combed. Due to her tiny size I also have a protective need being filled within me. My working on the house and keeping it clean throughout the day is working. I am writing my blog and now am looking at Twitter. My cousin helps me find a writing niche on Twitter so I am finding another outlet for my love of writing and sharing my faith. These days Daisy sits on the arm of the chair as I write, watch TV etc. It is nice to see her beside me. Instead of dwelling on what I don’t have in my life I continue to see where God is tenderly loving me and the more I see His love I find myself feeling very good with day to day life. The Lord has taken me through another journey and I am grateful that I have gone through it. I have learned to trust God and learned how to let Him rule in my life. I know I will have more lessons in life but once more I see the other side of a struggle and am grateful for the lessons. Somewhere deep inside of me I know that I will have the care I will need as I continue to get older. That too brings me comfort. As a young mother I automatically assumed that my children would be at my side. They may or may not be. God will make sure I have what I need and I don’t fear that any longer. I am a survivor. That feels nice. I have overcome abuse. I have learned how to love in healthy ways. I have worked and earned a decent wage. I got to be a “mom” and a “grandmother.” I look back on my parenting years with a mixture of joy and sorrow. I liked a lot of my mothering ways. I am sad that I chose a partner so poorly. I accept that these days and move through life with contentment. I don’t hate Dad. Mom I have respect for and an indifference. Little brother is gone and I am sad that we never were able to work past our struggles. In my heart I do believe I tried the best I knew how. Baby Sister and I are once more able to talk. We haven’t visited each other now in a few years but we can connect on the phone and not get irritated. I am doing the best I can as she is as well. I come to my older years with an acceptance I have never given myself. I truly like “me.” Others may or may not. My thought these days is “Does God like what I am doing and who I am turning into?” Each time I feel rejected I turn my heart to God and find the acceptance I so desire. I also see the people who love me “just the way I am” in my life and find joy in that. I think again on the Scripture passage. “God first loved us.” The more I dwell on that passage I begin to see that my ability to love comes from God. He took me right where I was at and gently helped me to change into the person I am now and am continuing to turn into. The more I make God my focus the more I am able to live the way God created me to be. In that I find an acceptance of “myself.” These days I truly like “me.” I think back to Grandma. As she got older she got surly. When we’d be out shopping she often would ram the shopping cart into people on purpose. She seemed to not care if she was accepted. I feel that way these days. I don’t want to ram people with a shopping cart. I want to make people laugh. Many older people will give others a piece of their mind over the smallest infraction. I don’t want to be a grumpy old lady. Some days my body hurts. I try to move away from others until I am able to cope. I love seeing people giggle at my antics. Junior tends to laugh with me most days. It is fun. Yup I am older and that is ok. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet