September 4 2013

September 4, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today was another run to Johnson City and I could not wake up so Junior went on without me. It was 3:00 am before I shut my eyes to sleep so there was no waking up at 7:00 am…..it is what it is. Junior went on and I got up around 10:30……not bad. I made lunch, made the bed and cleaned up then went for a short walk up the first killer hill. I sat on the deck to spend time but the sun is so that I can’t see the screen so I come in and write and work my way outside here and there. I ate lunch on the deck. Junior has put up a ledge where we will eat and it worked perfectly. Alex helped me eat some of my meat. He is getting so thin and frankly I tell myself I may not have my friend much longer. It makes me sad till I realize we’ve been friends for around 18 years and then I count my blessings. Alex was with me during the lonely days after my divorce, he snuggled me through cancer and he gave me purpose when I felt like giving up on life. It is hard for me to think I may not have him much longer. Once more I begin my grieving process before the end gets here. It is who I am and how I process my grief and you know what? That is ok. In some ways I am shedding my tears now. I realize that this relationship can’t last forever and I am starting to let go. When the time comes I may hardly cry because I am doing it now. It is how I said good-bye to Mom and Dad…..we knew that the end was coming and as it got real close I began the let go process before they left this life. I have started asking for Alex’s replacement as well. I truly can’t imagine life without a warm furry body to share my life with. I love our dogs and our other three cats but they aren’t Alex. Blanko is also getting old and I see him leaving us soon. Blanko is Junior’s guy and I am sad as well. Some part of me feels that if we continue our pet family as we get older they will be at our side when life hands out its lemons. The pet children tend to give my day definition as well. I like that feeling. I am important to them or so they make me feel. Once more I marvel at God. I again believe in my heart that if I was not in this relationship I would be a very lost and lonely woman. God though reminds me often that I do matter and I have a purpose in His kingdom. I like that feeling a lot. As I can’t do what I once did God continues to show me things I am able to do and that helps me feel like I am not a waste of anybody’s life. As Junior continues to finish projects around the house I sometimes believe deep inside of me that we will see 50 years of marriage. As Junior continues to make things just right for the two of us I find myself marveling at his talent. This week Junior has built a table to the railing so we can sit and look out while we eat. I find myself marveling at my guy yet again. My 60th birthday is in a few weeks. I am for the first time in my life not dreading the decade change. I find I am grateful for the life I’ve lived, for God getting me out of an abusive relationship and in a marriage where my husband truly cherishes me. As I move around with my cane I find myself depending on it more and more. I am thankful even though I am not as agile as I once was. I have seen life at its worst and I have enjoyed God’s creation of a man and woman and marvel at the special closeness I feel I am also happy to find out the degree to which my disability will affect me and I am not angry with it. I had many good years being very agile and able bodied and well I am ok with a less agile body these days. When I have sleepless nights I have a routine I go through as I wait till sleep overtakes me. I like that feeling and I am in awe that the old fear of being up and being hurt are fairly much gone. I watch DIY programs until sleep overtakes me and then I head to bed. I am happy that I was able to connect with my son and grandchildren on a travel league game. I was so happy to see my granddaughter play, my grandson look bored occupying himself while his sister got the attention. I am happy that I am a loved wife and that fighting constantly is not part of the package. I like that we fight less and less as we live with each other. We don’t overlook problems we just don’t find things to get worked up about. When we have a moment of disagreement we work through the struggle and are friends fairly quickly again and that is nice. I continue to find that I did what I did, lived what I lived and in old age I don’t care if I am not wealthy beyond my imagination. I don’t care if I have name brand clothes and furniture from the best furniture galleries. I don’t care if I live in the latest model of a home. I like my life a bunch and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. Junior teaching me to wear thrift store clothes has been a blessing beyond words. I like using that money I would have used to buy brand name clothes for other things, even giving some of it to others instead of myself. Yup life is good, I have what I need and that is ok. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet