Greetings My Friend,
No matter whether you are healthy or unhealthy/disabled you have to make choices in life, some will be good and some not so good. That is what I am processing in my thoughts. When I first knew I was disabled I had decided to make being in church on Sunday morning and evening a priority in my life, I also made a decision to not work or volunteer, I did not have the energy to be busy outside of our home but to use that energy to cook, clean, write along with doing some sort of crafting. I could make time to go to the gym, except the membership fee is not worth joining because I wear out too soon to use a gym. Last Friday we decided to go to the Johnson City Mall because we heard that there was an Apple store there. That is a 3 hour drive one way so when we head that way we know up front that it is an all day commitment, we never found the mall but we did find out that Best Buy could help me with my problem so I dropped my iPad off with the plan to pick it up on Saturday. I was too tired to make the trip and I wanted to attend church services so the plan was to head back on Monday. I found myself tired but we managed to get out of the house and onto JC again. My iPad had been recovered but the Geek Squad could not help me, I had hit another snag in getting my iPad up and running. All of these snags found me discouraged, it would have been easy to get angry but that would do no good and people are not as inclined to be helpful to an angry woman. I had pushed myself beyond my endurance, I am lucky that my Parkinson's symptoms did not start getting worse like my tremor's shaking harder or muscles tightening up. Many times when we with PD push ourselves to do too much we pay a price. I am struggling with Chronic Fatigue more so, usually I am able to manage Chronic Fatigue by spacing out my running errands, taking daily naps or resting for a couple of hours at a time between being active for a couple of hours. Since I have been divorced from my 1st husband I have developed a close walk with Jesus, through the years I have learned to spend time with the LORD each day, since retirement my study time has settled to the first 2 hours I am awake each morning. This time allows my mind to wake up, orient myself to start my day. In learning to do this I find myself accepting my chronic illness with peace. As I was first uncovering all the things wrong with me like allergy induced asthma, GERDS, insomnia and eventually PD I thought maybe God would heal me completely all at once. As time went on I am glad He did not heal me completely, I find that relying on God to be so helpful in keeping my faith strong. I come back to being grateful for choosing Jesus day by day. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Saturday, January 27, 2018
January 27, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
It took me 6 years to get a diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. During that time frame I felt anxious, wondering why walking was difficult, why I was tiring out when I did walk for short periods of time even though a few years earlier I walked everyday on my lunch hour. As I say that I recall working and walking for years on my lunch hour around the parking structure but that last year, I wore out, hardly able to make to entire trip up and down the parking structure so I could say symptoms began earlier than the 6 years, anyway it took a very long time to find out what was going on with me. Those years of declining abilities to walk, being winded easily, chronically tired hardly able to move from one chair to the next were long and difficult. Drawing close to God helped, I felt Him guiding one health issue at a time, the walking though took so much longer to find out what was wrong. I also knew the day I had a diagnosis I would have a name to the problem and a fight in my spirit to cope. to make the best of this situation. In October of 2016, I received a diagnosis, almost immediately I found myself relaxing then I felt the battle I was facing. Since then I have researched PD, found help sites to join since there are no groups in my area to connect with my online support network has become a set of friends to share with. I have learned that exercise is of huge importance to be flexible, eating a healthy diet, and setting routines in place. Recently I have noticed people talking about down days and I figured out what they meant by that, I woke up late, took my PD medication late and I felt sluggish, my brain was foggy like I could not get my thoughts together. I used to describe this feeling as having a hangover without the alcohol. The next day, I was back up at my usual time, my routines were back and I was able to function rather well both physically and mentally. I was explaining all of this to my husband Junior, I could see he was not fully comprehending what I was telling him, he still tries to think in well body thinking. I struggled with this for a long time myself, like with the walking, I kept telling myself to keep pushing, soon I would be able to push past the sluggishness, the tiredness even the exhaustion I had. A Physical Therapist once told me that I needed to rest and not for 10 or 15 minutes but longer. Again that was hard although I soon learned to work for 2 hours rest for just as long even take a nap if I needed it then get up and work again for 2 hours doing that helps me stay flexible, pain free for the most part and productive. God has been teaching me how to live with this chronic disease, He gives me peace, then He takes me by the hand showing me answers on the help sites, on Pinterest, from my doctor, all over the place. My anxiousness has gone away for the most part mostly from God, some from anxiety/depression medications and lots of prayers, Bible reading. I have learned that my life span can be a normal life span for other women of my age range which means I can live with this disease for another 20 years or so since I am in my 60's. My goal is to have the best quality of life I am able to which means taking care of my health. As my friend Terrie says all the time "God's got this." May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
It took me 6 years to get a diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. During that time frame I felt anxious, wondering why walking was difficult, why I was tiring out when I did walk for short periods of time even though a few years earlier I walked everyday on my lunch hour. As I say that I recall working and walking for years on my lunch hour around the parking structure but that last year, I wore out, hardly able to make to entire trip up and down the parking structure so I could say symptoms began earlier than the 6 years, anyway it took a very long time to find out what was going on with me. Those years of declining abilities to walk, being winded easily, chronically tired hardly able to move from one chair to the next were long and difficult. Drawing close to God helped, I felt Him guiding one health issue at a time, the walking though took so much longer to find out what was wrong. I also knew the day I had a diagnosis I would have a name to the problem and a fight in my spirit to cope. to make the best of this situation. In October of 2016, I received a diagnosis, almost immediately I found myself relaxing then I felt the battle I was facing. Since then I have researched PD, found help sites to join since there are no groups in my area to connect with my online support network has become a set of friends to share with. I have learned that exercise is of huge importance to be flexible, eating a healthy diet, and setting routines in place. Recently I have noticed people talking about down days and I figured out what they meant by that, I woke up late, took my PD medication late and I felt sluggish, my brain was foggy like I could not get my thoughts together. I used to describe this feeling as having a hangover without the alcohol. The next day, I was back up at my usual time, my routines were back and I was able to function rather well both physically and mentally. I was explaining all of this to my husband Junior, I could see he was not fully comprehending what I was telling him, he still tries to think in well body thinking. I struggled with this for a long time myself, like with the walking, I kept telling myself to keep pushing, soon I would be able to push past the sluggishness, the tiredness even the exhaustion I had. A Physical Therapist once told me that I needed to rest and not for 10 or 15 minutes but longer. Again that was hard although I soon learned to work for 2 hours rest for just as long even take a nap if I needed it then get up and work again for 2 hours doing that helps me stay flexible, pain free for the most part and productive. God has been teaching me how to live with this chronic disease, He gives me peace, then He takes me by the hand showing me answers on the help sites, on Pinterest, from my doctor, all over the place. My anxiousness has gone away for the most part mostly from God, some from anxiety/depression medications and lots of prayers, Bible reading. I have learned that my life span can be a normal life span for other women of my age range which means I can live with this disease for another 20 years or so since I am in my 60's. My goal is to have the best quality of life I am able to which means taking care of my health. As my friend Terrie says all the time "God's got this." May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Thursday, January 25, 2018
January 25, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Since I take a daily nap, I find when I am first waking up, reorienting myself I generally like to look on social media for a bit then write something for this blog or my Facebook page. I also journal my thoughts as I do my daily Bible study, with these 3 things I find I am able to take stock of all the things going around in my brain. Recently my nap time kept being disturbed by our dogs barking nonstop, it was hard to rest with the constant barking. Junior had got up from his nap to see what the dogs were fussing about to discover there were some workers putting in broadband in our area. We will be able to have a wider choice with cable providers, internet providers and I believe even have a wider choice in cell phone providers. Since we live in a more rural area we have had limited services, our internet is slower than when we lived in the urban Detroit area, we have to have a landline phone because our cell phones are sporadic at best. Through the years we have gotten used to what we have and dealt with it. For the most part I have dealt with my PTSD from the abuse I went through for 40 some years as well, at one point Daisy was not quieting down, Junior knew I was struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep. I also know Junior will never hurt an animal or me intentionally. All of a sudden Junior came in the house walking at a fast pace, he had anger on his face, his finger was pointing at Daisy, as he drew near I found myself back in my abuse again. My ex used to kick our dog rather hard, punch them even and that is where my mind was that day when Junior came charging into the room. I said rather timidly "Don't hurt Daisy." As I watched holding my breath Junior spoke firmly, not loud, he tapped Daisy's head not brutally again with firmness and I exhaled with relief. When we first had puppies I had to make myself leave the area when Junior needed to correct the puppies, I would have fussed at him, then our dogs would never have learned to do their business outside, to stop barking etc. Slowly I learned that there are other ways for people to handle anger, disciplining etc. For me when I was raising my children I rarely spanked them, I hated the anger that was used on me when I got spankings. My siblings and I often had bruises on our bodies from the belts, sometimes from Dad's fists. My ex was not consistent with our children either, one time he thought what our child did was funny, the next time he gave them a spanking. I found myself attempting to make it easier on our children because of their Father's inconsistent disciplining. Both of our children were in their late teens early 20's when we were divorced. It was hard to look back at all that our children had gone through, what I had dealt with. I have told my son more than once when he questioned me on why I stayed, " I could not get better until I got better." Since the divorce 21 years ago I have turned my life over to Jesus more fully, have taken relationship classes and even found I need medication to help me leave the past in the past. Today I function rather well with occasional flashbacks. Jesus, has forgiven me for those things I did wrong and I have forgiven myself as well. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Since I take a daily nap, I find when I am first waking up, reorienting myself I generally like to look on social media for a bit then write something for this blog or my Facebook page. I also journal my thoughts as I do my daily Bible study, with these 3 things I find I am able to take stock of all the things going around in my brain. Recently my nap time kept being disturbed by our dogs barking nonstop, it was hard to rest with the constant barking. Junior had got up from his nap to see what the dogs were fussing about to discover there were some workers putting in broadband in our area. We will be able to have a wider choice with cable providers, internet providers and I believe even have a wider choice in cell phone providers. Since we live in a more rural area we have had limited services, our internet is slower than when we lived in the urban Detroit area, we have to have a landline phone because our cell phones are sporadic at best. Through the years we have gotten used to what we have and dealt with it. For the most part I have dealt with my PTSD from the abuse I went through for 40 some years as well, at one point Daisy was not quieting down, Junior knew I was struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep. I also know Junior will never hurt an animal or me intentionally. All of a sudden Junior came in the house walking at a fast pace, he had anger on his face, his finger was pointing at Daisy, as he drew near I found myself back in my abuse again. My ex used to kick our dog rather hard, punch them even and that is where my mind was that day when Junior came charging into the room. I said rather timidly "Don't hurt Daisy." As I watched holding my breath Junior spoke firmly, not loud, he tapped Daisy's head not brutally again with firmness and I exhaled with relief. When we first had puppies I had to make myself leave the area when Junior needed to correct the puppies, I would have fussed at him, then our dogs would never have learned to do their business outside, to stop barking etc. Slowly I learned that there are other ways for people to handle anger, disciplining etc. For me when I was raising my children I rarely spanked them, I hated the anger that was used on me when I got spankings. My siblings and I often had bruises on our bodies from the belts, sometimes from Dad's fists. My ex was not consistent with our children either, one time he thought what our child did was funny, the next time he gave them a spanking. I found myself attempting to make it easier on our children because of their Father's inconsistent disciplining. Both of our children were in their late teens early 20's when we were divorced. It was hard to look back at all that our children had gone through, what I had dealt with. I have told my son more than once when he questioned me on why I stayed, " I could not get better until I got better." Since the divorce 21 years ago I have turned my life over to Jesus more fully, have taken relationship classes and even found I need medication to help me leave the past in the past. Today I function rather well with occasional flashbacks. Jesus, has forgiven me for those things I did wrong and I have forgiven myself as well. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
January 23, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Monday I slowed down for the first time this year it seems, I got up late, took an extra long nap before I started feeling like my new normal again. After dinner I even took Daisy my 7 pound poodle out with me to go hunt for kindling in the yard. For me this is a major endeavor although I love it. Slowly I have developed a way to move about the yard using my walking stick, pulling a wagon and using one of those sticks to pick up things with that have grabbers on the end. I have not been out in more than a week because of the recent snow fall and rain we have been having so it felt good wandering around the yard just before it got dark. I managed to find a couple big pieces of tree limbs so I hauled it over to where Junior cuts up wood with my walking stick in the other hand so I could get back to the wagon I was filling up. In the wagon I had 2 cat litter buckets so I can put in kindling, I also find a few good sized pieces of wood to toss into the wagon as well. When it got too dark to see much more I took the handle of the wagon to turn it around only to dump the whole wagon load of kindling! I got back into the house. told Junior about my mishap, so sweetly he went to retrieve the wagon gather up what spilled out of it. then bring it back to where he cuts up the wood. He is so proud of me being able to come back as far as I have come back in the last few years. When I retired I was in a major state of chronic fatigue, it took a few years to sort through all the health issues I had developed so now that I am once more able to help around the house he is very happy. God has been guiding me through all the problems I have like when I learned I now have allergy induced asthma, God taught me to get rid of all the carpeting in the house, to put more air purifiers in the house since we have 7 dogs and 5 cats. My doctor also has me on a maitance inhaler, Singular to dry up my lungs along with allergy medicine so today my flare ups with bronchitis are rare. A year and a half ago I found out that I have Parkinson's disease, God has been guiding me here as well. I am grateful to have regained a measure of the energy I once had, I am thrilled when I am able to challenge myself with new endeavor's as well. Monday evening I noticed this year Junior and I are rather settled into our home in Virginia in regards to the housework chores we each attend to. Now that I know he prefers to sweep, mop and wax the floors, do laundry and enjoys helping wash dishes when he is talking on the phone with special friends I am able to chart my day and chores accordingly. I make two meals a day for the two of us, mostly wash the dishes, make the bed etc. These routines feel rather nice knowing who will do what. For the longest time I was barely able to take care of myself much less our home, thankfully I was able to enter back into my routines as Junior finished renovating a room at a time for me to build back up to what I am able to do today. I also learned to do old things in a new way due to chronic fatigue and loosing my ability to walk right because of PD. Once the PD medication took effect I am now able to walk with the aid of a walker again, a walking stick if I am not going too far. God has been with me on my journey to be healthy, to live a retirement life and as a disabled woman. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Monday I slowed down for the first time this year it seems, I got up late, took an extra long nap before I started feeling like my new normal again. After dinner I even took Daisy my 7 pound poodle out with me to go hunt for kindling in the yard. For me this is a major endeavor although I love it. Slowly I have developed a way to move about the yard using my walking stick, pulling a wagon and using one of those sticks to pick up things with that have grabbers on the end. I have not been out in more than a week because of the recent snow fall and rain we have been having so it felt good wandering around the yard just before it got dark. I managed to find a couple big pieces of tree limbs so I hauled it over to where Junior cuts up wood with my walking stick in the other hand so I could get back to the wagon I was filling up. In the wagon I had 2 cat litter buckets so I can put in kindling, I also find a few good sized pieces of wood to toss into the wagon as well. When it got too dark to see much more I took the handle of the wagon to turn it around only to dump the whole wagon load of kindling! I got back into the house. told Junior about my mishap, so sweetly he went to retrieve the wagon gather up what spilled out of it. then bring it back to where he cuts up the wood. He is so proud of me being able to come back as far as I have come back in the last few years. When I retired I was in a major state of chronic fatigue, it took a few years to sort through all the health issues I had developed so now that I am once more able to help around the house he is very happy. God has been guiding me through all the problems I have like when I learned I now have allergy induced asthma, God taught me to get rid of all the carpeting in the house, to put more air purifiers in the house since we have 7 dogs and 5 cats. My doctor also has me on a maitance inhaler, Singular to dry up my lungs along with allergy medicine so today my flare ups with bronchitis are rare. A year and a half ago I found out that I have Parkinson's disease, God has been guiding me here as well. I am grateful to have regained a measure of the energy I once had, I am thrilled when I am able to challenge myself with new endeavor's as well. Monday evening I noticed this year Junior and I are rather settled into our home in Virginia in regards to the housework chores we each attend to. Now that I know he prefers to sweep, mop and wax the floors, do laundry and enjoys helping wash dishes when he is talking on the phone with special friends I am able to chart my day and chores accordingly. I make two meals a day for the two of us, mostly wash the dishes, make the bed etc. These routines feel rather nice knowing who will do what. For the longest time I was barely able to take care of myself much less our home, thankfully I was able to enter back into my routines as Junior finished renovating a room at a time for me to build back up to what I am able to do today. I also learned to do old things in a new way due to chronic fatigue and loosing my ability to walk right because of PD. Once the PD medication took effect I am now able to walk with the aid of a walker again, a walking stick if I am not going too far. God has been with me on my journey to be healthy, to live a retirement life and as a disabled woman. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Sunday, January 21, 2018
January 20, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
My laptop computer died, my tablet died so I thought why not get an iPad, I kept hearing that they are user friendly, the one I looked at seemed like I could condense down to using the iPad instead of having 2 things. It made sense at the time, so I asked my niece who works for Apple to order one for me, she did and boy what a week I had. My brain has been worked out to the max. Somehow I keep messing up the iPad with the codes and such then I need a recovery so I spent hours on the phone with Tec support. Finally Tec support walked me through things I was understanding somewhat and I felt it was time to explore my way around only to get locked out again. Having done a recovery a few times with Tec support my thought was to do it myself. I tried a few times only to discover that I need Tec support to help me. We got the bright idea to go over to Walmart because there aren't many places to go to in our area of small town America. They could not help me but suggested we head over to a place 3 hours from us. This is where we generally travel to when we need to see specialists, find a big name store and such. That is the plan for this coming week. Needless to say being on the computer, on the phone has been wearing at best. It can challenge my Parkinson's as well, and it did a bit, the week before I found myself getting agitated over nothing. God has been working on my temper for a long time to the point that I rarely get upset over things anymore so when I fussed at Junior I was surprised. I let it slide, apologized and thought nothing about it until I fussed at him again. By that time I had been reading on the Parkinson's help site that PD patients often have mood swings. My heart went to prayer asking God to help me not to allow this to take hold in me. My heart says that as time goes on I will need people to take care of me and the last thing I want to be is fussy. It also seems since the start of the year we are running to doctor's appointments more than usual and that our pace has not truly gotten back to the routines we have worked hard to put into place. I have also learned that routines are important for PD patients, I have always operated best with routines as well. I find myself tiring out more again, like last week with all of the computer technology stuff. Life is not stagnant so learning to move through life with its ups and downs is really normal as well. Parkinson's also deals with chronic fatigue a lot as most chronic illnesses, generally I have been able to manage my fatigue although sometimes lately I have had to push myself to keep going. I am going to stay in prayer asking God to guide me, next week I will see my PCP and I will let her know what is going on with me. Instead of using lavender essential oils only at night to get to sleep with, I will also use them in the diffuser during the day, I have started drinking chamomile tea to help quiet me and time will tell how well these things are helping me. God has been faithful to guide me this far and I know He will be there going forward. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
My laptop computer died, my tablet died so I thought why not get an iPad, I kept hearing that they are user friendly, the one I looked at seemed like I could condense down to using the iPad instead of having 2 things. It made sense at the time, so I asked my niece who works for Apple to order one for me, she did and boy what a week I had. My brain has been worked out to the max. Somehow I keep messing up the iPad with the codes and such then I need a recovery so I spent hours on the phone with Tec support. Finally Tec support walked me through things I was understanding somewhat and I felt it was time to explore my way around only to get locked out again. Having done a recovery a few times with Tec support my thought was to do it myself. I tried a few times only to discover that I need Tec support to help me. We got the bright idea to go over to Walmart because there aren't many places to go to in our area of small town America. They could not help me but suggested we head over to a place 3 hours from us. This is where we generally travel to when we need to see specialists, find a big name store and such. That is the plan for this coming week. Needless to say being on the computer, on the phone has been wearing at best. It can challenge my Parkinson's as well, and it did a bit, the week before I found myself getting agitated over nothing. God has been working on my temper for a long time to the point that I rarely get upset over things anymore so when I fussed at Junior I was surprised. I let it slide, apologized and thought nothing about it until I fussed at him again. By that time I had been reading on the Parkinson's help site that PD patients often have mood swings. My heart went to prayer asking God to help me not to allow this to take hold in me. My heart says that as time goes on I will need people to take care of me and the last thing I want to be is fussy. It also seems since the start of the year we are running to doctor's appointments more than usual and that our pace has not truly gotten back to the routines we have worked hard to put into place. I have also learned that routines are important for PD patients, I have always operated best with routines as well. I find myself tiring out more again, like last week with all of the computer technology stuff. Life is not stagnant so learning to move through life with its ups and downs is really normal as well. Parkinson's also deals with chronic fatigue a lot as most chronic illnesses, generally I have been able to manage my fatigue although sometimes lately I have had to push myself to keep going. I am going to stay in prayer asking God to guide me, next week I will see my PCP and I will let her know what is going on with me. Instead of using lavender essential oils only at night to get to sleep with, I will also use them in the diffuser during the day, I have started drinking chamomile tea to help quiet me and time will tell how well these things are helping me. God has been faithful to guide me this far and I know He will be there going forward. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Thursday, January 18, 2018
January 18, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Brenda came over Wednesday afternoon, she ate dinner with us then went to prayer meeting with us and I introduced her to Pastor Joe. We all were in a playful mood before beginning the prayer meeting so I told the group about Brenda, her hoarding, her having cancer and then it hit me. Did I really talk about her hoarding, her needing to move to an apartment? I sure did! I apologized to Brenda, she said she needs to allow her ways to be made known so that she has to face facts, I still felt that was not something I needed to blurt out. Sometimes I have no filter between my brain and mouth, I keep working on it though with God's guidance. Afterwards we went home, got into our nighttime routines of taking medications, getting cleaned up and watching TV. Soon Junior went to bed, later I went to bed when we woke up Brenda was still sleeping, all of a sudden we heard her fussing and fuming in the spare bedroom, she came out all emotional, angry, spewing all kinds of angry words. Her son promised to pay the bill for the truck being repaired, he had not contacted her and she wanted to get her truck out of the shop. All of a sudden I remembered that Brenda is once more 19, acting like 19 and I feel clueless as how to deal with her. We loaned Brenda the van so later in the morning she packed up and went home. A few hours later, Brenda called she lost her apartment key, they charge her to open her place although this time it was done for free. Since she lives on SSI she has very little income so the fee seems rather large to her and she began hounding me to look for the key. Brenda always leaves something then she pesters us to find it for her so we did our usual kind of sort of look for the keys. Two texts later, a phone call or two later the keys were still not found and she is telling me how important it is that I find her keys. The light bulb went off as to why I had no filter when introducing her, I am the parent of a 19 year old again. That still does not make it right so I again ask God to teach me to put a zipper on my mouth. Brenda's keys are not my problem and I need to make her realize that she has to be better at keeping track of her things. Brenda also was mad at her son Jeremiah because he had not called her to pay for the repairs on the truck. She did not care that he might be busy dropping off a load, she felt since he did not unload the truck then he should be able to talk to her, she did not care that he might be sleeping or whatever else, when Brenda wanted to talk to him she expects him to drop what he is doing and talk to her. My mind kept asking "Where is the Brenda with the texts who is coming to her faith in Jesus, who is logical and almost sounds like she has entered into adulthood. It does not help that Brenda is Bipolar either, frequently forgets to her medications so her diabetes gets out of control, her blood pressure goes off the charts and her emotions are ruling her thoughts. As our morning moves along Jeff calls Junior, he too has emotional problems, major ones so the two of them spend time on the phone where Junior listens and Jeff talks. I find myself asking God to teach me to be what He wants me to be and what exactly does loving look like? Things quiet down, I finish my morning and begin to get ready for the day ahead. Brenda will be bringing the van back, Jeremiah finally called her so she can go get the truck. I think about making another batch of soup and my focus is on being active so that my body won't freeze up, attempting to be the wife my husband needs and the fur mom our fur children need. I am great full we have a home to live in, mountains to look out onto and I know that God is helping me be all that I can be, guiding me with my Parkinson's and teaching me to be the wife Junior needs. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Brenda came over Wednesday afternoon, she ate dinner with us then went to prayer meeting with us and I introduced her to Pastor Joe. We all were in a playful mood before beginning the prayer meeting so I told the group about Brenda, her hoarding, her having cancer and then it hit me. Did I really talk about her hoarding, her needing to move to an apartment? I sure did! I apologized to Brenda, she said she needs to allow her ways to be made known so that she has to face facts, I still felt that was not something I needed to blurt out. Sometimes I have no filter between my brain and mouth, I keep working on it though with God's guidance. Afterwards we went home, got into our nighttime routines of taking medications, getting cleaned up and watching TV. Soon Junior went to bed, later I went to bed when we woke up Brenda was still sleeping, all of a sudden we heard her fussing and fuming in the spare bedroom, she came out all emotional, angry, spewing all kinds of angry words. Her son promised to pay the bill for the truck being repaired, he had not contacted her and she wanted to get her truck out of the shop. All of a sudden I remembered that Brenda is once more 19, acting like 19 and I feel clueless as how to deal with her. We loaned Brenda the van so later in the morning she packed up and went home. A few hours later, Brenda called she lost her apartment key, they charge her to open her place although this time it was done for free. Since she lives on SSI she has very little income so the fee seems rather large to her and she began hounding me to look for the key. Brenda always leaves something then she pesters us to find it for her so we did our usual kind of sort of look for the keys. Two texts later, a phone call or two later the keys were still not found and she is telling me how important it is that I find her keys. The light bulb went off as to why I had no filter when introducing her, I am the parent of a 19 year old again. That still does not make it right so I again ask God to teach me to put a zipper on my mouth. Brenda's keys are not my problem and I need to make her realize that she has to be better at keeping track of her things. Brenda also was mad at her son Jeremiah because he had not called her to pay for the repairs on the truck. She did not care that he might be busy dropping off a load, she felt since he did not unload the truck then he should be able to talk to her, she did not care that he might be sleeping or whatever else, when Brenda wanted to talk to him she expects him to drop what he is doing and talk to her. My mind kept asking "Where is the Brenda with the texts who is coming to her faith in Jesus, who is logical and almost sounds like she has entered into adulthood. It does not help that Brenda is Bipolar either, frequently forgets to her medications so her diabetes gets out of control, her blood pressure goes off the charts and her emotions are ruling her thoughts. As our morning moves along Jeff calls Junior, he too has emotional problems, major ones so the two of them spend time on the phone where Junior listens and Jeff talks. I find myself asking God to teach me to be what He wants me to be and what exactly does loving look like? Things quiet down, I finish my morning and begin to get ready for the day ahead. Brenda will be bringing the van back, Jeremiah finally called her so she can go get the truck. I think about making another batch of soup and my focus is on being active so that my body won't freeze up, attempting to be the wife my husband needs and the fur mom our fur children need. I am great full we have a home to live in, mountains to look out onto and I know that God is helping me be all that I can be, guiding me with my Parkinson's and teaching me to be the wife Junior needs. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
January 16, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth I could "hear" the passage that the Apostle Paul wrote "I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do", my paraphrase. I have learned with Brenda I need to parent her, be rather frank and blunt with her, she even likes me talking this way to her because it helps her to face what she does not want to face. Even so this does not give me the right to take her to church and to tell everyone about how she is a hoarder, with her right beside me, it is not funny to use put down humor and there I was making jokes about her lifestyle. Afterwards before we left the pew I apologized to her, asked God in my heart to forgive me and to teach me to walk away from put down humor. Next I wanted to beat myself up for being such a bratty friend but I recalled Junior once more, I watch him get up after a fall and proceed with his life, no long bouts of self loathing. God wants me to see where I fall off the wagon then He wants me to get back up and start over leaving the sin in my past. Brenda now has bone cancer, she has been doing very well with accepting what the doctor's are telling her she needs to do, she is not trying to over research all the details looking for a flaw and putting off getting her treatments as she has with her breast cancer. Brenda is a fighter and is striving to fight this battle as well, the good thing is this time she is closer to Jesus, willing to take her fears to Him and trust He is right there beside her. Instead of insisting on cleaning out her house that she has literally abandoned due to her hoarding, she is letting go of the idea she will never live in that house again. I have mentioned more than once if she needs to sit in the peace of the mountains, the woods she can come to our place to find that peace. We can hang out and do things like bake, do crafts even write. These are the things she longs to do yet never seems to find the time to do. Both Junior and I have a heart for Brenda we want to step beside her for her good which means we have had the challenge of telling her about the "elephant in the room" her hoarding at home as well as when she visits, I usually need to tell her to go back after herself to pick up everything she has gotten out and left somewhere. Again she wants the truth in a firm straight forward way so I have learned to do just that. My way is to gently ask her to do things, she does not hear that gentle manner of talking and responds to the more direct approach. I have worked hard to soften up my speech and now going backwards is difficult, at the same time it comes back much too easily. My prayer has started going up asking God to show me how to be firm where I need to be and gentle where I need to be. As I help Brenda in her faith journey, I point out to Brenda that even though I have been walking with Jesus for 20 years now, I still have my moments where I need to learn and let go of strongholds I have. So I start a new day in walking with Jesus, I remember that He loves me even when I struggle and thankfully Brenda is able to forgive me, continue to allow me to be a friend in her time of need. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth I could "hear" the passage that the Apostle Paul wrote "I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do", my paraphrase. I have learned with Brenda I need to parent her, be rather frank and blunt with her, she even likes me talking this way to her because it helps her to face what she does not want to face. Even so this does not give me the right to take her to church and to tell everyone about how she is a hoarder, with her right beside me, it is not funny to use put down humor and there I was making jokes about her lifestyle. Afterwards before we left the pew I apologized to her, asked God in my heart to forgive me and to teach me to walk away from put down humor. Next I wanted to beat myself up for being such a bratty friend but I recalled Junior once more, I watch him get up after a fall and proceed with his life, no long bouts of self loathing. God wants me to see where I fall off the wagon then He wants me to get back up and start over leaving the sin in my past. Brenda now has bone cancer, she has been doing very well with accepting what the doctor's are telling her she needs to do, she is not trying to over research all the details looking for a flaw and putting off getting her treatments as she has with her breast cancer. Brenda is a fighter and is striving to fight this battle as well, the good thing is this time she is closer to Jesus, willing to take her fears to Him and trust He is right there beside her. Instead of insisting on cleaning out her house that she has literally abandoned due to her hoarding, she is letting go of the idea she will never live in that house again. I have mentioned more than once if she needs to sit in the peace of the mountains, the woods she can come to our place to find that peace. We can hang out and do things like bake, do crafts even write. These are the things she longs to do yet never seems to find the time to do. Both Junior and I have a heart for Brenda we want to step beside her for her good which means we have had the challenge of telling her about the "elephant in the room" her hoarding at home as well as when she visits, I usually need to tell her to go back after herself to pick up everything she has gotten out and left somewhere. Again she wants the truth in a firm straight forward way so I have learned to do just that. My way is to gently ask her to do things, she does not hear that gentle manner of talking and responds to the more direct approach. I have worked hard to soften up my speech and now going backwards is difficult, at the same time it comes back much too easily. My prayer has started going up asking God to show me how to be firm where I need to be and gentle where I need to be. As I help Brenda in her faith journey, I point out to Brenda that even though I have been walking with Jesus for 20 years now, I still have my moments where I need to learn and let go of strongholds I have. So I start a new day in walking with Jesus, I remember that He loves me even when I struggle and thankfully Brenda is able to forgive me, continue to allow me to be a friend in her time of need. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Saturday, January 13, 2018
January 13, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
I decided to not go with Junior to the VA in Norton, I need to move slower. He was sad that I could not go with him, he hasn't been fazed either way if I go or not so I was surprised when he said he was sad. Junior is getting used to having someone in his life that enjoys his company, he has been a loner for most of his life. When I said I needed a break he understood and went on without me. I wanted to change my mind, I stayed though moving at a much slower pace. Brenda is coming by for an overnight visit today as well, I promised that I would make chicken and dumplings for her. We talked for a long time on the phone last night she had her PET scan, now she needs and MRI there are a lot of suspicious shadows and my heart reaches out to Brenda. This time around she is allowing God to lead her, she is not fighting the situation. As she tells me her findings Brenda inserts into the conversation that her nephew is in the hospital it is not looking good for him. He has needed dialysis he refused to have it, now the doctor's are looking to get him a new kidney. I switched topics with Brenda explaining that she needs to speak to her nephew about Jesus, even though she is a fairly new believer she needs to tell him about the love of Jesus. I gave her a short explanation of the sinner's prayer, the need to confess and then accept that Jesus is his Savior who is God's Son. After that I mentioned that Brenda's son also needs to see her faith how it is changing her life. I tried to drift back to the conversation but Brenda had talked enough about all that is going on with her. She seemed to want a bit of a distraction from the gloom of the need for more tests, that more cancer may be in her body. Brenda is realistic about her potential, about the place she lived which may behind her cancer of the breast, her COPD and other health issues. She is accepting the apartment complex she is in which is low income, many of her neighbors are drug addicts, have even befriended her then stole her medication from her. She is learning the hard way that you can't be everybody's best friend, when Brenda has been asked what medications she is on, she has told these people then they stole from her. Some of these lessons I learned decades ago, for Brenda she is living away from her home of 50 years although not far, she is now interacting with the people she has never met. These lessons are hard ones to learn, Brenda has had to learn them the hard way, after her medications were stolen it has taken her months to get most of them back again. The drug epidemic is real bad in our county so the doctor's are leery about the medications they dispense. Brenda often goes back to her house she left that is now beyond hope of repair and cleaning just to sit on the porch, in her car to hear the river, listen the birds and relish the quiet of God's beautiful creation. I told her she could come up to our place and get that sense of quiet she longs for. The bottom where she lived is a source of a lot of pain for her and it has been a journey to get her to quit going back there, striving to save the house by cleaning up years of her hoarding. She is slowly learning again how to manage her day, do housework and now today she is coming up to visit, spend the night and enjoy the quiet of our place. I am looking forward to her visit, the chance to do girl stuff. I asked her if she would help me with some cling on pictures I bought, I want to put them on mirror of crosses. We will have lots of time to chat, to allow her to sit on our porch or in her car and soak in the mountains and the woods on our property. I am glad to offer her the place to find peace in the house or outside the house. I asked God this morning to guide me as I hang out with Brenda teach me to be what Brenda needs. I love this woman who has lived a life I can never imagine. God has given me a heart for Brenda and now I pray that I can be what she needs me to be. It is time for me to get the chicken in the crock pot to simmer for a few hours. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
I decided to not go with Junior to the VA in Norton, I need to move slower. He was sad that I could not go with him, he hasn't been fazed either way if I go or not so I was surprised when he said he was sad. Junior is getting used to having someone in his life that enjoys his company, he has been a loner for most of his life. When I said I needed a break he understood and went on without me. I wanted to change my mind, I stayed though moving at a much slower pace. Brenda is coming by for an overnight visit today as well, I promised that I would make chicken and dumplings for her. We talked for a long time on the phone last night she had her PET scan, now she needs and MRI there are a lot of suspicious shadows and my heart reaches out to Brenda. This time around she is allowing God to lead her, she is not fighting the situation. As she tells me her findings Brenda inserts into the conversation that her nephew is in the hospital it is not looking good for him. He has needed dialysis he refused to have it, now the doctor's are looking to get him a new kidney. I switched topics with Brenda explaining that she needs to speak to her nephew about Jesus, even though she is a fairly new believer she needs to tell him about the love of Jesus. I gave her a short explanation of the sinner's prayer, the need to confess and then accept that Jesus is his Savior who is God's Son. After that I mentioned that Brenda's son also needs to see her faith how it is changing her life. I tried to drift back to the conversation but Brenda had talked enough about all that is going on with her. She seemed to want a bit of a distraction from the gloom of the need for more tests, that more cancer may be in her body. Brenda is realistic about her potential, about the place she lived which may behind her cancer of the breast, her COPD and other health issues. She is accepting the apartment complex she is in which is low income, many of her neighbors are drug addicts, have even befriended her then stole her medication from her. She is learning the hard way that you can't be everybody's best friend, when Brenda has been asked what medications she is on, she has told these people then they stole from her. Some of these lessons I learned decades ago, for Brenda she is living away from her home of 50 years although not far, she is now interacting with the people she has never met. These lessons are hard ones to learn, Brenda has had to learn them the hard way, after her medications were stolen it has taken her months to get most of them back again. The drug epidemic is real bad in our county so the doctor's are leery about the medications they dispense. Brenda often goes back to her house she left that is now beyond hope of repair and cleaning just to sit on the porch, in her car to hear the river, listen the birds and relish the quiet of God's beautiful creation. I told her she could come up to our place and get that sense of quiet she longs for. The bottom where she lived is a source of a lot of pain for her and it has been a journey to get her to quit going back there, striving to save the house by cleaning up years of her hoarding. She is slowly learning again how to manage her day, do housework and now today she is coming up to visit, spend the night and enjoy the quiet of our place. I am looking forward to her visit, the chance to do girl stuff. I asked her if she would help me with some cling on pictures I bought, I want to put them on mirror of crosses. We will have lots of time to chat, to allow her to sit on our porch or in her car and soak in the mountains and the woods on our property. I am glad to offer her the place to find peace in the house or outside the house. I asked God this morning to guide me as I hang out with Brenda teach me to be what Brenda needs. I love this woman who has lived a life I can never imagine. God has given me a heart for Brenda and now I pray that I can be what she needs me to be. It is time for me to get the chicken in the crock pot to simmer for a few hours. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Thursday, January 11, 2018
January 11, 2018
Greetings My Friend
We are having so much fun on Sunday nights after Bible study hanging out at McDonald's, being a part of the church family. We are finally settling into the community and feeling accepted, I found myself reflecting on the warmth of love I felt the other night when a group of us got together even though Pastor Joe did not join us because his wife Jenny was at home dealing with the flu. On my part I was just who I am, not feeling all in knots trying to be seen or heard but I felt relaxed and comfortable. As we were leaving I felt I needed to explain part of the reason why we did not show up for an event awhile back. The senior group decided to go check out a place where there was good food which was a bit of a drive. When we received a call about our dogs getting into the chickens in the area we live, we decided we needed to spend a chunk of money on buying 3 shock collars to make them stay in the yard so we backed out. That was part of the problem another piece was that the last time we went with the group we did not have anyone to sit with so we decided to join two other women who were alone. These two gossiped and whispered the entire meal. We even mentioned we were having a hard time hearing them, they looked at us and went back to their gossiping. That hurt, the whole group found their own click to be with and we felt like outsiders so when the next outing came we signed up then when the dog incident happened we allowed the cost of buying what we needed to keep the dogs in the yard to back out. When we got home I had an email from someone I love dearly who can not get out and about like she would like. Her feelings were hurt because a good friend was backing away from her, getting involved with her grandchildren and her church. Her friend forgot her birthday, she was still sick since the latter part of December and she needed to know someone out there still wanted her. When I went to my quiet time with God I prayed about my friend's situation, then as I read my morning "read through the Bible' passages I sensed God was teaching me that as I become more involved at church to remember where I came from. I recalled once more how God taught the Israelite's how to remember all that He had done for them after taking them out of Egypt into the promised land. God was showing me how I felt being unwanted and now that I have some people showing a desire to know me more fully, He did not want me to forget this lesson. We are to meet as a community of believers, we are also to reach out to the sick and the shut in as well as the lost, lonely and hurting and make them welcome in the family of God. My friend is a believer, another friend is coming to the faith and she needs to be mentored, loved and accepted as well so I need to remember my calling as much as the gift of community and balance them. God then taught me the best way to balance this is to keep talking to Him, much the same way I have done for nearly 20 years now in my prayer for my marriage. I ask God to teach me to be what Junior needs, one time God showed me I need to look at Junior's heart, I saw such a wonderful caring man even though he sounds tough, I saw the tenderness and fell deeper in love. When we were first married we attended a marriage retreat that taught us that women need love and men need to be respected, that is how they feel loved. Now I ask God to show me how to honor and respect Junior finally one time I learned about Agape love, servant love so I ask God to teach me to seek Junior's highest good. Oh, I also ask God to teach me to be sensitive to those things that hurt Junior's feelings, I have a mean mouth when I get irritated and it can cut to the core of whomever I lash out at so I have asked God to teach me to be sensitive to Junior's feelings. These things have helped me to be what Junior truly needs not what I want to give him. Last summer when Junior's PTSD anger was getting out of control (he never hit me or belittled me) I was able to tell him in gentle terms that I can't deal with him constantly blowing up over little things. The great thing is Junior listened, asked his VA doctor for a little stronger dose of his anxiety/depression medication and he has quieted down. As God walked me through this prayer I pray He was showing me that I need to consistently pray for where He wants me to focus my heart in ministry, to seek His input on how much fellowship within the church I get involved in. With my Parkinson's I also have limited amounts of energy so I need to balance my health, my energy levels. Again the only way I have been able to regain my health, my energy is with a constant discussion with God, He has been involved with getting me away from Michigan so I could heal emotionally after my divorce, pointed me to the doctor I have, to the community we live in and now I need to keep talking to God so that I don't forget the true work He has for me. I can feel the prayer forming to ask God daily to make sure I am not leaving someone in the dust when they need me. At the end of the day it is not about what I want but where God wants me and doing my part to bring believer's into the family of God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
We are having so much fun on Sunday nights after Bible study hanging out at McDonald's, being a part of the church family. We are finally settling into the community and feeling accepted, I found myself reflecting on the warmth of love I felt the other night when a group of us got together even though Pastor Joe did not join us because his wife Jenny was at home dealing with the flu. On my part I was just who I am, not feeling all in knots trying to be seen or heard but I felt relaxed and comfortable. As we were leaving I felt I needed to explain part of the reason why we did not show up for an event awhile back. The senior group decided to go check out a place where there was good food which was a bit of a drive. When we received a call about our dogs getting into the chickens in the area we live, we decided we needed to spend a chunk of money on buying 3 shock collars to make them stay in the yard so we backed out. That was part of the problem another piece was that the last time we went with the group we did not have anyone to sit with so we decided to join two other women who were alone. These two gossiped and whispered the entire meal. We even mentioned we were having a hard time hearing them, they looked at us and went back to their gossiping. That hurt, the whole group found their own click to be with and we felt like outsiders so when the next outing came we signed up then when the dog incident happened we allowed the cost of buying what we needed to keep the dogs in the yard to back out. When we got home I had an email from someone I love dearly who can not get out and about like she would like. Her feelings were hurt because a good friend was backing away from her, getting involved with her grandchildren and her church. Her friend forgot her birthday, she was still sick since the latter part of December and she needed to know someone out there still wanted her. When I went to my quiet time with God I prayed about my friend's situation, then as I read my morning "read through the Bible' passages I sensed God was teaching me that as I become more involved at church to remember where I came from. I recalled once more how God taught the Israelite's how to remember all that He had done for them after taking them out of Egypt into the promised land. God was showing me how I felt being unwanted and now that I have some people showing a desire to know me more fully, He did not want me to forget this lesson. We are to meet as a community of believers, we are also to reach out to the sick and the shut in as well as the lost, lonely and hurting and make them welcome in the family of God. My friend is a believer, another friend is coming to the faith and she needs to be mentored, loved and accepted as well so I need to remember my calling as much as the gift of community and balance them. God then taught me the best way to balance this is to keep talking to Him, much the same way I have done for nearly 20 years now in my prayer for my marriage. I ask God to teach me to be what Junior needs, one time God showed me I need to look at Junior's heart, I saw such a wonderful caring man even though he sounds tough, I saw the tenderness and fell deeper in love. When we were first married we attended a marriage retreat that taught us that women need love and men need to be respected, that is how they feel loved. Now I ask God to show me how to honor and respect Junior finally one time I learned about Agape love, servant love so I ask God to teach me to seek Junior's highest good. Oh, I also ask God to teach me to be sensitive to those things that hurt Junior's feelings, I have a mean mouth when I get irritated and it can cut to the core of whomever I lash out at so I have asked God to teach me to be sensitive to Junior's feelings. These things have helped me to be what Junior truly needs not what I want to give him. Last summer when Junior's PTSD anger was getting out of control (he never hit me or belittled me) I was able to tell him in gentle terms that I can't deal with him constantly blowing up over little things. The great thing is Junior listened, asked his VA doctor for a little stronger dose of his anxiety/depression medication and he has quieted down. As God walked me through this prayer I pray He was showing me that I need to consistently pray for where He wants me to focus my heart in ministry, to seek His input on how much fellowship within the church I get involved in. With my Parkinson's I also have limited amounts of energy so I need to balance my health, my energy levels. Again the only way I have been able to regain my health, my energy is with a constant discussion with God, He has been involved with getting me away from Michigan so I could heal emotionally after my divorce, pointed me to the doctor I have, to the community we live in and now I need to keep talking to God so that I don't forget the true work He has for me. I can feel the prayer forming to ask God daily to make sure I am not leaving someone in the dust when they need me. At the end of the day it is not about what I want but where God wants me and doing my part to bring believer's into the family of God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
January 9, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
My status update read "I am tired of the freezing weather! I am trying to have an attitude of gratitude." Anyone who knows me knows I am not fond of winter after living in Michigan for 50 years I was ready to move to a bit of a warmer climate which is at the bottom of the state of Virginia. The weather is 5-10 degrees warmer, winter's average temperature is 40 degrees and the snow melts within a few days. We get winter and at times we go down to the teens and lower, it passes quickly generally, for a week or just over we dealt with daytime temps in the teens and lower we have had much of a Michigan winter. My joke to veteran Virginians has been "I left Michigan to get away from this." I am attempting very hard to find a list of things to be grateful for because when I do I am able to be grateful for my life even in nasty winter cold and snowy weather. During this cold spell I find myself extremely grateful for the warmth of our home, lots of warm blankets to snuggle under, I have a warm flannel nightgown that Boogie gave me and I wear it as often as I am able to. Next I found a from scratch recipe for a cake made of apple pie filling, afterwards I ate it in a bowl with milk I was about as content as I could be. It took me awhile to move my grumpy attitude, I am grateful I was able to move it though. When I allow myself to hang out in my own pity party I find that life seems unbearable, when I can move toward being thankful, I find I am able to tolerate whatever life throws at me. Sometimes when I have a harder time getting out of my pity party I move to the cross, I look at His life, death and I look hard at His death, I see all the blood, the pain He went through then I move onto Jesus' last words, "My God, my God why have You forsaken me!" For what seems to me a few seconds in eternity Jesus cries out in such pain, all through the horror of dying Jesus hardly makes a sound but when God turns His back on Jesus, He cries in anguish, this makes me think long and hard about what eternity in hell will be like, I again make the choice to follow Jesus. I recall that Jesus talks a whole lot more about hell than He talks about heaven in the Bible, if He talks more about hell then I believe that hell is that awful so I want to do all that I am able to spread the Good News to everyone I can. Next I remember that Jesus did not come to save the saved but to save the lost so I want to be open to giving the Gospel to those who are on the fringe of society just as Jesus did when He walked on earth. It is easy to give the Good News to the people who are like me, so I choose to love those I relate to and those I have no clue how to relate to. I am grateful that Jesus loved all of us enough to die for us all. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
My status update read "I am tired of the freezing weather! I am trying to have an attitude of gratitude." Anyone who knows me knows I am not fond of winter after living in Michigan for 50 years I was ready to move to a bit of a warmer climate which is at the bottom of the state of Virginia. The weather is 5-10 degrees warmer, winter's average temperature is 40 degrees and the snow melts within a few days. We get winter and at times we go down to the teens and lower, it passes quickly generally, for a week or just over we dealt with daytime temps in the teens and lower we have had much of a Michigan winter. My joke to veteran Virginians has been "I left Michigan to get away from this." I am attempting very hard to find a list of things to be grateful for because when I do I am able to be grateful for my life even in nasty winter cold and snowy weather. During this cold spell I find myself extremely grateful for the warmth of our home, lots of warm blankets to snuggle under, I have a warm flannel nightgown that Boogie gave me and I wear it as often as I am able to. Next I found a from scratch recipe for a cake made of apple pie filling, afterwards I ate it in a bowl with milk I was about as content as I could be. It took me awhile to move my grumpy attitude, I am grateful I was able to move it though. When I allow myself to hang out in my own pity party I find that life seems unbearable, when I can move toward being thankful, I find I am able to tolerate whatever life throws at me. Sometimes when I have a harder time getting out of my pity party I move to the cross, I look at His life, death and I look hard at His death, I see all the blood, the pain He went through then I move onto Jesus' last words, "My God, my God why have You forsaken me!" For what seems to me a few seconds in eternity Jesus cries out in such pain, all through the horror of dying Jesus hardly makes a sound but when God turns His back on Jesus, He cries in anguish, this makes me think long and hard about what eternity in hell will be like, I again make the choice to follow Jesus. I recall that Jesus talks a whole lot more about hell than He talks about heaven in the Bible, if He talks more about hell then I believe that hell is that awful so I want to do all that I am able to spread the Good News to everyone I can. Next I remember that Jesus did not come to save the saved but to save the lost so I want to be open to giving the Gospel to those who are on the fringe of society just as Jesus did when He walked on earth. It is easy to give the Good News to the people who are like me, so I choose to love those I relate to and those I have no clue how to relate to. I am grateful that Jesus loved all of us enough to die for us all. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Saturday, January 6, 2018
January 6, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
On of the things my disability of Parkinson's is teaching me is that God does not want me to be so over active that I don't have time to be quiet with Him. I find a lot of the work of the church to be challenging, interesting and fun. I also am learning that even too much of the "good" ways of serving can hamper true ministry, by being so over loaded that you don't give your full attention to be able to be to fully develop the task to its fullest potential. One of the lessons God showed me as I did a review of my life from abuse was one of the ways I coped was to be over involved with church work. My thought was if I am not home there is not as much time to get into fights. Part of my lack of energy since retirement has been trying to keep moving not slowing down to be quiet, to seek the direction where God wanted me to go. I also have been very sad not being involved at church since retirement, I lack the energy to be dependable so I don't volunteer. God has made it clear that my work for Him will no longer be in the church proper but on my own, mostly at home. I am able to write as my energy allows for writing, out shopping I can be silly for a cashier, have my dog Daisy with me which always draws one or two people to stop and talk. I minister to my husband by having the house in order as he renovates, keeps the truck running, fixes on the house like when the pipes froze up etc. I can be a good friend, a listening ear to someone or I can be in prayer for people on social media etc. I used to think the busier I was the more I gave of my time the more my heart was focused on God. That is not true unfortunately because as I reflect back I was seeking attention, recognition and to be needed. The more I have slowed down the less pressed I feel to preform. I am learning to be just "me", to work at a pace I can handle and be proficient at what I am doing. This winter I have been able to find my niche in quiet time activity I am able to do cross stitch fairly well and I am relearning how to make dishcloths, I am able to focus a bit better again so I am able to redo the dishcloths until I make them right. I am making progress at making them square again although I still need to learn where I go off track so I don't have to unravel so many rows. These activities relax me, help me write better making my tremors not so apparent. The thing with the dishcloths is I can also give them away for gifts, to someone who could use a pick me up in life. With the cross stitch I prefer to make pillow cases, doilies and I am hoping to work on a lap quilt in the near future. These for now are mainly for me although I may find a way to give these as gifts as well, who knows. The lesson I take out of this is that God is not calling me to good works for the sake of good work, but to works that I am gifted at, can do at a decent pace with deeper love because I am in quiet time with Him more. In this I feel the love I have craved forever and I find I desire the approval from man less. God knows best. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
On of the things my disability of Parkinson's is teaching me is that God does not want me to be so over active that I don't have time to be quiet with Him. I find a lot of the work of the church to be challenging, interesting and fun. I also am learning that even too much of the "good" ways of serving can hamper true ministry, by being so over loaded that you don't give your full attention to be able to be to fully develop the task to its fullest potential. One of the lessons God showed me as I did a review of my life from abuse was one of the ways I coped was to be over involved with church work. My thought was if I am not home there is not as much time to get into fights. Part of my lack of energy since retirement has been trying to keep moving not slowing down to be quiet, to seek the direction where God wanted me to go. I also have been very sad not being involved at church since retirement, I lack the energy to be dependable so I don't volunteer. God has made it clear that my work for Him will no longer be in the church proper but on my own, mostly at home. I am able to write as my energy allows for writing, out shopping I can be silly for a cashier, have my dog Daisy with me which always draws one or two people to stop and talk. I minister to my husband by having the house in order as he renovates, keeps the truck running, fixes on the house like when the pipes froze up etc. I can be a good friend, a listening ear to someone or I can be in prayer for people on social media etc. I used to think the busier I was the more I gave of my time the more my heart was focused on God. That is not true unfortunately because as I reflect back I was seeking attention, recognition and to be needed. The more I have slowed down the less pressed I feel to preform. I am learning to be just "me", to work at a pace I can handle and be proficient at what I am doing. This winter I have been able to find my niche in quiet time activity I am able to do cross stitch fairly well and I am relearning how to make dishcloths, I am able to focus a bit better again so I am able to redo the dishcloths until I make them right. I am making progress at making them square again although I still need to learn where I go off track so I don't have to unravel so many rows. These activities relax me, help me write better making my tremors not so apparent. The thing with the dishcloths is I can also give them away for gifts, to someone who could use a pick me up in life. With the cross stitch I prefer to make pillow cases, doilies and I am hoping to work on a lap quilt in the near future. These for now are mainly for me although I may find a way to give these as gifts as well, who knows. The lesson I take out of this is that God is not calling me to good works for the sake of good work, but to works that I am gifted at, can do at a decent pace with deeper love because I am in quiet time with Him more. In this I feel the love I have craved forever and I find I desire the approval from man less. God knows best. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Thursday, January 4, 2018
January 4, 2018
Greetings My Friend
Brenda came to New Year's Eve night church with Junior and I this year. She was quieter than usual, a joy to be around. She met a few of the people we love, some remembered her, others met her for the 1st time since she has not been to church with us in about 5 years now. When we made it home it was after 1:00 am so I cleaned up the best I could since the pipes froze up, took my bedtime medication and waited for sleep to come on the recliner watching TV with Brenda. I need to fall asleep in the recliner anymore before going to bed because if I am not half asleep I tend to wake right up so I wait for sleepiness to overtake me. Brenda and I chatted while I found myself getting drowsy, then I was out for the night right there in my recliner. When we all woke up around the same time Monday morning, Brenda was in full Brenda mode. She talks not stop, to herself, to us, to the fur children. As I finished my morning medications, made my protein shake I started wondering how I was going to focus on the Word as I started my new year in the Word. I could find an anxious feeling trying to overtake me and I fretted how I was going to find the quiet I so desperately needed when a thought popped into my thoughts. I have learned that these sudden thoughts are usually from the Holy Spirit giving me guidance, He told me to invite Brenda into this quiet time with me. I found a journal I was not using, an old Bible I was no longer reading out of, then I had her write down the headings I use as I journal my thoughts, a prayer to God the passages I read that day and what I hear the Holy Spirit teaching me. I realized I was having Brenda do what I have been telling her for many years to do. Brenda, followed my example up to a point when she dozed off. After she slept a bit she decided it was time to go home. While she wrote in her journal, read the days passages and dozed off I was able to move through my quiet time rather nicely. The first lesson I learned was to allow God to make order out of my chaos, then the Word taught me again that God is Spirit, when Jesus came He was flesh and Spirit and I need to worship God with my heart (my spirit) and in my flesh. I focused on the line Junior has been talking about all year "In the beginning...God created." Junior has found that if I can't believe those very 1st words then the rest of the Bible won't make sense. I had come to believe this statement but I "felt" the lesson as I read it. I then grasped that Jesus being God in the flesh and how He worshiped God in His spirit and in His flesh. I have to say that was an eye opener for me as well. This visit with Brenda was the best one we have had in a long while, she was absorbing what I was trying to teach her. She accepted me telling her to pick up after herself without making excuses, she even followed through picking up the things she got out and was using. Brenda struggles with hoarding, she does not always clean up after herself then it become a huge mound to sort through so she is overwhelmed. She has stayed with us for weeks at a time in the past making the spare bedroom a hoarders mess. It took Junior and I several days to clean all the junk out of the bedroom, it was then I started to realize I need to parent Brenda. In less than 24 hours Brenda found a piece of fruit cake in the refrigerator, took it out, cut off a piece and left it to lay in the TV room, she left a can of pairs on the mantle in the sitting room, a coke can on an end table and her coat thrown on the sewing table. She was with us less than 8 hours total and she had started leaving things lay around like she does at home. I had to go behind her, remind her I expected her to pick up after herself. This time, she did with no excuses as to why she was the way she is. God has been working on Brenda as well, I can see it and I am in awe. Slowly Brenda is starting her own faith journey. God has gotten her attention with 2 bouts of breast cancer and now she is dealing with 2 nodules on her lungs. God has taught me that Brenda was over protected as a child with her mother making all of her decisions, telling her when to wake up, when to pick up. When her mother died 15 years ago or so, Brenda has struggled to figure out life on her own. Since God laid that on my heart, I know how to work with Brenda. I need to parent her, teach her how to clean up after herself, manage her time, her life. Knowing this I am much more patient, a little more insistent of how she will act in my house by putting her things where they belong, even throwing her trash away, not on the floor. Again God has shown me how to make order out of the chaos of my thoughts and feelings by parenting Brenda to a point making her responsible for her actions (picking up after herself), giving her tools how to walk with Jesus and manage her time. I believe God has gotten her attention and she has begun her first steps in a life long journey of faith. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Brenda came to New Year's Eve night church with Junior and I this year. She was quieter than usual, a joy to be around. She met a few of the people we love, some remembered her, others met her for the 1st time since she has not been to church with us in about 5 years now. When we made it home it was after 1:00 am so I cleaned up the best I could since the pipes froze up, took my bedtime medication and waited for sleep to come on the recliner watching TV with Brenda. I need to fall asleep in the recliner anymore before going to bed because if I am not half asleep I tend to wake right up so I wait for sleepiness to overtake me. Brenda and I chatted while I found myself getting drowsy, then I was out for the night right there in my recliner. When we all woke up around the same time Monday morning, Brenda was in full Brenda mode. She talks not stop, to herself, to us, to the fur children. As I finished my morning medications, made my protein shake I started wondering how I was going to focus on the Word as I started my new year in the Word. I could find an anxious feeling trying to overtake me and I fretted how I was going to find the quiet I so desperately needed when a thought popped into my thoughts. I have learned that these sudden thoughts are usually from the Holy Spirit giving me guidance, He told me to invite Brenda into this quiet time with me. I found a journal I was not using, an old Bible I was no longer reading out of, then I had her write down the headings I use as I journal my thoughts, a prayer to God the passages I read that day and what I hear the Holy Spirit teaching me. I realized I was having Brenda do what I have been telling her for many years to do. Brenda, followed my example up to a point when she dozed off. After she slept a bit she decided it was time to go home. While she wrote in her journal, read the days passages and dozed off I was able to move through my quiet time rather nicely. The first lesson I learned was to allow God to make order out of my chaos, then the Word taught me again that God is Spirit, when Jesus came He was flesh and Spirit and I need to worship God with my heart (my spirit) and in my flesh. I focused on the line Junior has been talking about all year "In the beginning...God created." Junior has found that if I can't believe those very 1st words then the rest of the Bible won't make sense. I had come to believe this statement but I "felt" the lesson as I read it. I then grasped that Jesus being God in the flesh and how He worshiped God in His spirit and in His flesh. I have to say that was an eye opener for me as well. This visit with Brenda was the best one we have had in a long while, she was absorbing what I was trying to teach her. She accepted me telling her to pick up after herself without making excuses, she even followed through picking up the things she got out and was using. Brenda struggles with hoarding, she does not always clean up after herself then it become a huge mound to sort through so she is overwhelmed. She has stayed with us for weeks at a time in the past making the spare bedroom a hoarders mess. It took Junior and I several days to clean all the junk out of the bedroom, it was then I started to realize I need to parent Brenda. In less than 24 hours Brenda found a piece of fruit cake in the refrigerator, took it out, cut off a piece and left it to lay in the TV room, she left a can of pairs on the mantle in the sitting room, a coke can on an end table and her coat thrown on the sewing table. She was with us less than 8 hours total and she had started leaving things lay around like she does at home. I had to go behind her, remind her I expected her to pick up after herself. This time, she did with no excuses as to why she was the way she is. God has been working on Brenda as well, I can see it and I am in awe. Slowly Brenda is starting her own faith journey. God has gotten her attention with 2 bouts of breast cancer and now she is dealing with 2 nodules on her lungs. God has taught me that Brenda was over protected as a child with her mother making all of her decisions, telling her when to wake up, when to pick up. When her mother died 15 years ago or so, Brenda has struggled to figure out life on her own. Since God laid that on my heart, I know how to work with Brenda. I need to parent her, teach her how to clean up after herself, manage her time, her life. Knowing this I am much more patient, a little more insistent of how she will act in my house by putting her things where they belong, even throwing her trash away, not on the floor. Again God has shown me how to make order out of the chaos of my thoughts and feelings by parenting Brenda to a point making her responsible for her actions (picking up after herself), giving her tools how to walk with Jesus and manage her time. I believe God has gotten her attention and she has begun her first steps in a life long journey of faith. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
January 2, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
My year end, start of the New Year reflection takes me once more through "Am I closer with Jesus at the end of the year than at the start of the year?" My answer is "Yes, I am". God has helped me with my disease, to cope, the diagnosis gave me the something to fight instead of wondering, worrying why my gait kept getting worse. God has guided me towards the medications, supplements, exercises even the food I eat and in some ways I feel healthier than I have felt in years. In the last few weeks God has shown me the healing I have from the abuse I endured for 40 years and how our move from Michigan to Virginia allowed me to heal. God also has shown me how my son is healed from his Dad's and my divorce, his divorce, he is in a good relationship with a woman, his anger has settled. I have finally learned that ministry outside of church is still true ministry. God gave me patience with Brenda when I found myself being irritated with her, God showed me how she was told what to do for 45 years and when her mother died she has been lost trying to fend for herself. I have been able to draw closer to Brenda because God showed me how to be with her. God also pointed me to see that Brenda's faith is growing, one tiny step at a time, just like my faith grew one tiny step at a time. I am now more patient, I understand more fully and I love Brenda more deeply. Junior's PTSD anger got a bit much to deal with, God gave me the words to have a serious talk with Junior that "enough was enough", he needed help a stronger dose of his depression medication. Junior listened, heard my concerns and asked his doctor for a stronger dose. His doctor has been wanting him to switch medications, take a stronger dose and she agreed that he needed it. Today Junior knows his limits better, does not work through his pain as much, which makes him a whole lot easier to deal with, his pain levels are not off the chart because he works smarter not harder. Christmas Eve God revealed for me to step beside someone else to offer support and encouragement. My prayer now is that God will give me all that I need to be the friend this person needs. I have learned the lesson of go when I can stop when I can't. Christmas Eve lasted until well into the night so Christmas Day I did not get up and go with Junior to volunteer to help with the church community dinner. I moved about as I was able to, rested when I needed to. God has used me, loved me, healed me, not all at one time but one day, one step at a time. I go into the New Year knowing that God has more work for me to do, people to love and my marriage strengthened. I love the gift Junior has been in my life, the love he allows me to give him and God's guiding hand on this marriage. I am excited about where my faith journey will take me this year, the lessons I will learn and the opportunity to love God more. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
My year end, start of the New Year reflection takes me once more through "Am I closer with Jesus at the end of the year than at the start of the year?" My answer is "Yes, I am". God has helped me with my disease, to cope, the diagnosis gave me the something to fight instead of wondering, worrying why my gait kept getting worse. God has guided me towards the medications, supplements, exercises even the food I eat and in some ways I feel healthier than I have felt in years. In the last few weeks God has shown me the healing I have from the abuse I endured for 40 years and how our move from Michigan to Virginia allowed me to heal. God also has shown me how my son is healed from his Dad's and my divorce, his divorce, he is in a good relationship with a woman, his anger has settled. I have finally learned that ministry outside of church is still true ministry. God gave me patience with Brenda when I found myself being irritated with her, God showed me how she was told what to do for 45 years and when her mother died she has been lost trying to fend for herself. I have been able to draw closer to Brenda because God showed me how to be with her. God also pointed me to see that Brenda's faith is growing, one tiny step at a time, just like my faith grew one tiny step at a time. I am now more patient, I understand more fully and I love Brenda more deeply. Junior's PTSD anger got a bit much to deal with, God gave me the words to have a serious talk with Junior that "enough was enough", he needed help a stronger dose of his depression medication. Junior listened, heard my concerns and asked his doctor for a stronger dose. His doctor has been wanting him to switch medications, take a stronger dose and she agreed that he needed it. Today Junior knows his limits better, does not work through his pain as much, which makes him a whole lot easier to deal with, his pain levels are not off the chart because he works smarter not harder. Christmas Eve God revealed for me to step beside someone else to offer support and encouragement. My prayer now is that God will give me all that I need to be the friend this person needs. I have learned the lesson of go when I can stop when I can't. Christmas Eve lasted until well into the night so Christmas Day I did not get up and go with Junior to volunteer to help with the church community dinner. I moved about as I was able to, rested when I needed to. God has used me, loved me, healed me, not all at one time but one day, one step at a time. I go into the New Year knowing that God has more work for me to do, people to love and my marriage strengthened. I love the gift Junior has been in my life, the love he allows me to give him and God's guiding hand on this marriage. I am excited about where my faith journey will take me this year, the lessons I will learn and the opportunity to love God more. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
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