January 18, 2018

Greetings My Friend,

Brenda came over Wednesday afternoon, she ate dinner with us then went to prayer meeting with us and I introduced her to Pastor Joe. We all were in a playful mood before beginning the prayer meeting so I told the group about Brenda, her hoarding, her having cancer and then it hit me. Did I really talk about her hoarding, her needing to move to an apartment? I sure did! I apologized to Brenda, she said she needs to allow her ways to be made known so that she has to face facts, I still felt that was not something I needed to blurt out. Sometimes I have no filter between my brain and mouth, I keep working on it though with God's guidance. Afterwards we went home, got into our nighttime routines of taking medications, getting cleaned up and watching TV. Soon Junior went to bed, later I went to bed when we woke up Brenda was still sleeping, all of a sudden we heard her fussing and fuming in the spare bedroom, she came out all emotional, angry, spewing all kinds of angry words. Her son promised to pay the bill for the truck being repaired, he had not contacted her and she wanted to get her truck out of the shop. All of a sudden I remembered that Brenda is once more 19, acting like 19 and I feel clueless as how to deal with her. We loaned Brenda the van so later in the morning she packed up and went home. A few hours later, Brenda called she lost her apartment key, they charge her to open her place although this time it was done for free. Since she lives on SSI she has very little income so the fee seems rather large to her and she began hounding me to look for the key. Brenda always leaves something then she pesters us to find it for her so we did our usual kind of sort of look for the keys. Two texts later, a phone call or two later the keys were still not found and she is telling me how important it is that I find her keys. The light bulb went off as to why I had no filter when introducing her, I am the parent of a 19 year old again. That still does not make it right so I again ask God to teach me to put a zipper on my mouth. Brenda's keys are not my problem and I need to make her realize that she has to be better at keeping track of her things. Brenda also was mad at her son Jeremiah because he had not called her to pay for the repairs on the truck. She did not care that he might be busy dropping off a load, she felt since he did not unload the truck then he should be able to talk to her, she did not care that he might be sleeping or whatever else, when Brenda wanted to talk to him she expects him to drop what he is doing and talk to her. My mind kept asking "Where is the Brenda with the texts who is coming to her faith in Jesus, who is logical and almost sounds like she has entered into adulthood. It does not help that Brenda is Bipolar either, frequently forgets to her medications so her diabetes gets out of control, her blood pressure goes off the charts and her emotions are ruling her thoughts. As our morning moves along Jeff calls Junior, he too has emotional problems, major ones so the two of them spend time on the phone where Junior listens and Jeff talks. I find myself asking God to teach me to be what He wants me to be and what exactly does loving look like? Things quiet down, I finish my morning and begin to get ready for the day ahead. Brenda will be bringing the van back, Jeremiah finally called her so she can go get the truck. I think about making another batch of soup and my focus is on being active so that my body won't freeze up, attempting to be the wife my husband needs and the fur mom our fur children need. I am great full we have a home to live in, mountains to look out onto and I know that God is helping me be all that I can be, guiding me with my Parkinson's and teaching me to be the wife Junior needs. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet