January 25, 2018

Greetings My Friend,

Since I take a daily nap, I find when I am first waking up, reorienting myself I generally like to look on social media for a bit then write something for this blog or my Facebook page. I also journal my thoughts as I do my daily Bible study, with these 3 things I find I am able to take stock of all the things going around in my brain. Recently my nap time kept being disturbed by our dogs barking nonstop, it was hard to rest with the constant barking. Junior had got up from his nap to see what the dogs were fussing about to discover there were some workers putting in broadband in our area. We will be able to have a wider choice with cable providers, internet providers and I believe even have a wider choice in cell phone providers. Since we live in a more rural area we have had limited services, our internet is slower than when we lived in the urban Detroit area, we have to have a landline phone because our cell phones are sporadic at best. Through the years we have gotten used to what we have and dealt with it. For the most part I have dealt with my PTSD from the abuse I went through for 40 some years as well, at one point Daisy was not quieting down, Junior knew I was struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep. I also know Junior will never hurt an animal or me intentionally. All of a sudden Junior came in the house walking at a fast pace, he had anger on his face, his finger was pointing at Daisy, as he drew near I found myself back in my abuse again. My ex used to kick our dog rather hard, punch them even and that is where my mind was that day when Junior came charging into the room. I said rather timidly "Don't hurt Daisy." As I watched holding my breath Junior spoke firmly, not loud, he tapped Daisy's head not brutally again with firmness and I exhaled with relief. When we first had puppies I had to make myself leave the area when Junior needed to correct the puppies, I would have fussed at him, then our dogs would never have learned to do their business outside, to stop barking etc. Slowly I learned that there are other ways for people to handle anger, disciplining etc. For me when I was raising my children I rarely spanked them, I hated the anger that was used on me when I got spankings. My siblings and I often had bruises on our bodies from the belts, sometimes from Dad's fists. My ex was not consistent with our children either, one time he thought what our child did was funny, the next time he gave them a spanking. I found myself attempting to make it easier on our children because of their Father's inconsistent disciplining. Both of our children were in their late teens early 20's when we were divorced. It was hard to look back at all that our children had gone through, what I had dealt with. I have told my son more than once when he questioned me on why I stayed, " I could not get better until I got better." Since the divorce 21 years ago I have turned my life over to Jesus more fully, have taken relationship classes and even found I need medication to help me leave the past in the past. Today I function rather well with occasional flashbacks. Jesus, has forgiven me for those things I did wrong and I have forgiven myself as well. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet