December 1, 2012 Greetings My Friend, It is December again….where did the year go? Oh my. Anyway as we come to December my heart turns toward Christmas. I ponder the Christmas’ with my young children. I ponder Christmas with Junior now. When the children were little there was a lot of fighting in our home. I am sad when I look back on it but I can’t make it go away. For some reason the fighting grew worse with the holidays. I got to where I dreaded the holidays. In Junior’s previous life he and his wife struggled as well. She loved the holidays and she “over decorated” their home. It drove him crazy. So we came together and for us we did not enjoy a lot of “excitement” at home. We tend to go to church, find ourselves thankful and the day then moves along like most days. We’d go to our children’s homes and celebrate and then come home watch a movie. I don’t decorate much at all. I do like setting out a nativity set or two. I like to remember that our Savior came in flesh and blood and grew up. I marvel at this often. Silly me…when I was young I remember thinking God doesn’t really understand since He is in heaven. Did I consider Jesus? I don’t think so. Anyway I do now. I marvel that he came as we come into the world, a baby born of a woman. I marvel that Jesus had to be fed and diapered. I marvel that Jesus was hungry, angry and the whole human experience. As I pray through Jesus’ last hours on earth I find myself marveling. He lived life, He died a horrible death and the hope I have is that Jesus rose from the grave to walk amongst us for another 40 days and then the crowd watched Jesus ascend into heaven. This is why I believe why I don’t want to face life anymore without God directing my path. Christmas is a time for me to reflect that Jesus lived a “human” life. He understands the various emotions we go through in a deep way. His death alone makes me realize that Jesus truly knows what we deal with. If I look at the last hours I see that Jesus’ good friend betrayed Him. His friends ran off when trouble came. He faced horrible pain prior to being nailed to the cross. On the cross Jesus struggled to breath. He struggled for hours before he died. I find myself being real sad as I see what was done to Jesus. I find myself thinking that He died for my/our sins. I truly begin to see the ugliness of sin. I don’t stay in the despair though as I come to the resurrection I find hope inside of me. I find that I long to live in eternity with God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I find that I hear Jesus saying as he went to heaven, “Go forth and make disciples of every nation.” I believe it is my job to be willing to tell the Good News of Jesus. God has been growing me up to be able to take His Good News out to the world. At first I wanted to rescue other abused people. I talked when we were out in public as much as I could about my past in a silly way to see if I could reach out and touch a soul for Jesus. I also had felt the only way to minister was to be involved at church in serving and yes I can but serving can happen outside of church. That is the lesson I’ve been learning. These days I have health struggles. I am not able to be out and about like I used to be. I am in prayer many days now. I pray as I see needs on FB, as I hear of friend’s needs, as I see people injured when traveling and my list goes on and on. Junior and I have also been helping a special lady out for a few years now. Money is very tight and we find jobs for her or her son and we pay them. B has gone from being someone we watch out for to a very good friend. Yesterday Junior and I made a trip to Good Will to donate some old clothes and small appliances and the like. At the store we often donate money. We are trying to live as if Jesus is our Savior on a day to day basis some days we do real well and some days not so well. Junior has taught me to pray for each need as well. We’ve prayed for a year about getting our Explorer and truck turned in. This week we finally were able to sell them and get a new car. Our car payment is the same as both payments but now there is only one insurance payment and we have an electric car so our gas usage should go way down. Junior and I try to pray through everything we can and live as we feel directed by God. For me, I have a peace I never had. Sometimes the road is hard but for some reason knowing I’m not alone makes a world of difference. I started my deep faith walk when I got divorced. I was so low and God has taken me from the ashes so to speak and has given me a hope that I’ve never known before. So I want to continue on with a life of faith. To me it makes the most sense. It is the Christmas season and I try to reflect often on the gift we were given in a tiny bundle of newness and hope. I also take my thoughts to the ultimate end of Jesus’ life and realize even more so the gift of the cross. These days I can rarely look at Christmas without looking at Easter. They are one and the same to me. Won’t you consider the real Jesus and not the commercial Christmas? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 28, 2012 Greetings My Friend, This year I got behind on reading the Bible big time. I found when in Michigan I wasn’t reading my Bible and I kept getting behind and then a day or so of running during the week and I found I wasn’t reading my Bible. It distressed me to no end and I kept not catching up. My Mentor taught me to go to Biblegateway.com and now I have a daily Scripture sent to my in box. Each morning I start my day at the computer. I wake up looking at FB, then I read my Bible Scripture then e-mails and the morning goes from there. It works and Junior is often playing solitaire till he wakes up and again it works. I am once more on track to read the Bible through in a year. I like that reading the whole Bible through. I find myself growing in the Lord and frankly it feels wonderful. Through the years I have read the Proverbs only. Those are so helpful as well and I found that with 31 Proverbs that I’d have one to read each day. They are short and a quick read. I found myself growing just reading the Proverbs. These days I’d prefer to read through each year. Junior read through the Bible early on in his faith journey and then he started reading a book ever so slowly trying to absorb the lessons. Since I struggle with ADHD I tend to need to do things that will hold my attention. Still reading the Bible has helped me grow and live at peace. For many years I read the Chronological Bible so that I just read the commandments and laws only one time because I’d find myself bogging down reading them. Now I will read them twice because that is how they are written in the Bible and I think I’ll be ok with that. I struggle so much with people who never ever read the Bible and then give me their thoughts on what God says. Excuse me but if you don’t read the Bible how can you know how God feels? Yes God puts His laws on our hearts but I believe to truly get to know God you need to read over and over His Word. In the consistent reading that is where I meet God and then begin to grow in Him. The hard question as I became a stronger believer was where is God when a baby is dumped in a dumpster and left for dead? Frankly as I continue to grow I find that God is crying when a person makes a choice to discard a baby in that manner. I felt God cried with me after I left my marriage of 24 years of abuse. I often felt God holding me when I felt so alone and unwanted. I heard a Minister one time say that the life on earth is redemptive time. It is time to learn to be as God created us to be, to care as God cares. Will we ever be a great as God? No, I don’t think so. I do like the thought of learning and growing as much as I am able though. I believe then when Jesus comes back and we start eternity that those who gave their hearts to the Lord will have a perfect life for ever and ever. As I look back on my faith journey I see where I have grown and I no longer live in anger each and every day. I like that part too. It seems that God doesn’t want me to compare myself to the next person as much as He wants me to see where I once was and where I am now. For me I marvel at the difference within me. For years anger ruled my emotions and that was the only one I knew. Through counseling, reading the Bible and prayer I now know what sad, mad, glad is all about. I have a heart to be tender. I like me with a tender heart. I used to get my feelings hurt so I don’t mean that either. I like that I care about other people from the bottom of my heart. I reach out as I feel God directing me. So I can’t give to every poor person I meet but I do find God directing me to help people, donating my unused items etc. I also give money freely. I know that God is in charge of my money and He will give me what I need to be able to donate money. It is weird but I love it. The fearful Janet of yesteryear is willing to let go of her money these days when prompted by God to do so. Somewhere deep inside of me I know God will give me what I need to live on. One of my daily thanks giving is that God provides food. I have hypoglycemia and need to eat every 4 hours or I get a nasty headache and will even vomit from time to time. So I have food at my disposal so I can eat every 4 hours. Amazing! Then on faith Junior and I moved to Virginia. Here God has given us scenery that is astounding. He has given us a home that is comfortable beyond any home I’ve ever lived in. It needs renovating but as it comes together I could have never dreamed all that we have. Sometimes we have to work at things to get what God is giving us. You know what? There is a satisfaction that settles deep inside of me when I am doing as I am instructed by God to do. We finally got a new car this week. We’ve been praying and this week we were able to get a new car. Our Explorer was upside down on the payments. We owed more than the car was worth. For a year we’ve been seeking a way out of this situation and this week God directed us to see a dealer and the dealer talked to us and made things happen for us. Prior to this dealer we would sit in a dealer’s office for hours and walk away with nothing. One day we prayed and felt God say go and we went and we have what we need. Our finances are slowly coming under order. I’ve been praying. I can’t pray and complain about Junior that isn’t right. I can pray though and ask God to help me be what Junior needs. I can pray and say “Lord, I’m scared and I find God directing Junior and our debt is going away. God helps me with my fear and that means I’m not nagging Junior but being the support he needs. Are you on a faith journey with God? Is it time. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 24, 2012 Greetings My Friend, There is that old feeling trying to rear inside of me. After graduating high school two weeks actually I got married. Later I felt I should get some education and started college. By the time I went to college I was a mother and our income was very poor at best. I started off wanting to be a preschool teacher later I found a part time job in an office and decided a business degree would help me earn a decent and better wage. I loved my first English class. I learned to write a journal and have done it on and off since then for a good 30 years now. I even toyed with being a writer early on and this dream is now being fulfilled with this blog and my book I wrote “On the Way to Wholeness by the Way of ACTSS.” As we settle I am finding myself writing more and loving it. Since working at a part time job is not a possibility at present I see my writing as my job and I love it. I went to school part time for several years. Then my nephew drowned and 10 months later Dad died and I often came home to find my husband sitting on my child and no explanation of his crime….. I found I could no longer work, raise a family and deal with family life and gave up. At that point I had been at the bank a few years and my income was going up nicely….I never wanted to be rich….able to pay bills and that was all I wanted. I turned down a lot of overtime so I could be with my family. I did not seek a high position so I could maintain my obligation to my kids….yes I moved up a bit but not real far. I am glad I had enough education to help me earn a decent living. I learned some things in college and am grateful. I learned I loved writing and have been working on it for years… I am glad I went also because I know deep inside of me life is not all about a college education. The more I walk in faith well to me is what we need not so much about being at the top of a dean’s list. When I married Junior he was involved with Amway. We went to a lot of meetings and I soon learned it is what we learn in life not college is what is important. Amway is a lot of about a relationship with God as well and as I developed my walk with the Lord the college thing grew dimmer and dimmer. I began to learn more and grow more and it was a walk with the Lord where I found myself being able to live a better life. As I left my first marriage many nights I was crying in bed talking to God. I felt God’s arms wrap tenderly around me. I found courage to get up and face each day. I began a thankful journal and found myself feeling calmer, safer than I had ever felt. Some days it was hard to find something to be thankful for. I was even thankful at times for the divorce although I would have rather stayed married and worked out the struggles. I was befuddled…I had prayed for the marriage to be saved only to be divorced. At this point I am grateful but in the beginning I wasn’t so sure. I went on to meet my current husband and have been with him 14 years now. I have seen the tenderness and the hardness in a man. I have been touched wonderfully in my heart. God has given me a good husband. Prior to my current husband life with men was a scary prospect. I have learned that not all men give into anger. Does Junior get angry, he sure does? His anger is mostly a controlled anger though and for that I am in awe. He does not beat the dogs when they potty in the house. His voice will get loud but Junior is always in control as he corrects them. The tire goes flat and he goes about getting it changed without a lot of swear words, anger spewing out of him. Prior to Junior the men in my life usually responded with anger and it often resulted in a few slugs to my body. I had a bit of education, I earned a decent living and I lived in abuse. I often hear “you made good money why did you stay?” Well, I may have had some education and earned a good living but each time I tried to leave I was sent back and told that I was annoying and frankly after a while I believed I deserved this treatment. Again after the divorce I stayed in counseling and tried to get as whole as I could. I surely did not want to go through abuse again. If that was what marriage was about, I’d rather had been single for the rest of my life. As I married Junior God gave me a prayer for this marriage. I don’t think I came up with it on my own. Anyway I pray and ask God to teach me to be the wife my husband needs me to be. Again the Agape love of seeking another’s highest good has helped me live in more contentment. God often teaches me to speak to Junior’s heart. So I ask just about daily “Lord teach me to be the wife Junior needs. Not a cookie cutter mold but the woman Junior needs.” Then I ask for God “teach me to be the wife, friend, lover and companion JUNIOR needs me to be.” I also ask “Open my eyes and heart to Junior” God has done so over and over and I find I understand Junior when I’d like to walk away in frustration. I find tenderness instead of hardness in my heart. Then I ask “Teach me to honor and respect him.” I am clueless as to what honor and respect look like. About the time I think I am honoring and respecting Junior he tells me I am not so I ask God to show me and God does. Then I ask God to “teach me to seek Junior’s highest good and to not hurt his feelings.” Men, I am so clueless at times. As a woman I often strike out with words. Men are physically strong, women use words. Little did I understand that words can be as harmful as a fist in the eye? Now I am gentle with my own anger and when I am angry I go to prayer and God has always shown what I needed to do. God also softens my heart so that my love continues to grow for my man. It is awesome. I end my prayer with “Father protect us and hold us close. Teach us to be faithful and fruitful first to you and then to each other. Lead us, guide us and direct us. In Jesus Name amen.” Yup praying for my marriage almost daily has been a blessing. Won’t you consider praying for your marriage? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 21, 2012 Greetings My Friend, All I wanted to be is a mother. I was in a relationship that was abusive. I stayed way too long. I found it hard to leave. After the divorce I was able for a few years to stay away from my abuser. I quit going to family functions and frankly I missed a whole lot. I wanted to be away from my abuser more than be near him and hear his familiar chatter and possibly re-enter a relationship again. I did not want to fear for the rest of my life and to try to figure out the triggers that would set him off. I could never figure them out and frankly I was tired by the time I was divorced. I must say holidays are a very tender sad moment for me. I got my wish and I’ve not see “Him” in three years now. I don’t have to put up with his being overly friendly and following me around these days. After we were in Virginia for a bit I began to realize that I was so worked up with each holiday and family event that “He” was at. I was wore out from the overly friendly appearance he gave. For me I saw a very angry man….I could not let that picture of him go. I have PTSD. That means I struggle big time letting the past go. I want to. I talk to myself often and then before I know it I am seeing scenes from my past. With the aid of Prozac I am able to move out of those fearful moments rather quickly. Just because I’m on Prozac though does not mean that I can completely let the pictures go. I can’t. Junior suffers from PTSD. His is from the war. He has not fought in the war for 40 years now. He still has moments though. He often wakes up with bad nightmares. Sometimes when life is stressful his anger will be in full force. I am amazed because Junior even with the aid of Paxil tends to struggle with the war that happened so long ago. I am not afraid of Junior though. He is able to go off on his own when he knows he is not in good shape. He will snap at me and I know to leave the guy alone. If I do he pulls himself together and soon we are friends. I have learned to back off, go away if need be. Junior works through his struggle and we are friends in short order. We as a couple deal with PTSD. We understand each other on a level no one else does. That helps me as I process my junk. I as a woman talked about my pain constantly. Finally I was tired of constantly being depressed and asked to be put on medication. It is wonderful. These days I have not quit thinking about what happened all those years ago but now I can move out of those thoughts a whole lot quicker and I am not consumed like I once was. B and J will come over and we will celebrate with them. They in a way have become my adopted family out here in VA. She loves cooking so I will let her take the lead with getting the meal together. I will assist and we will be silly and enjoy our day. This year we will be able to eat dinner at the table. It is cleared off and ready to be set. That feels wonderful. Junior and I bought several small sets of dishes that are different. I love the idea of the mis-matched dishes. It reminds me of a quilt. I love quilts with all the pieces of cloth from life. It amazes me to see the rough edged pieces sewed in with the pretty neat pieces. Life to me is like a quilt in many ways. We have the pretty things we go to and the not so pretty things that crop up and share moments alongside of the beautiful moments. That is life. When I first went on Prozac I felt God say to me that if He gave me friends, family then” how can that Man take them away.” That was the fear I was processing. I’d get on FB and there He was with my family at family events and I was not invited. It hurt beyond measure. Then I’d see him at his family events and again I am not there. His family has not contacted me and my family remains friends with Him. It hurts to say the least. At that point I was not able to let go of the deep pain I felt and the Prozac was how I was able to move beyond the pain. I was married to that Man for 24 years. We had a long history and frankly I would have loved to see the nieces and nephews grow up as well. I knew that if I kept being in touch with this man then I’d be swallowed up and back to his abusive ways. So I pulled as far away as I could. I pulled away from my own children as well. The holidays meant they got together with their Dad and I was left alone with Junior. In the aloneness though I learned of God’s deep love for us and how much I matter to God. I can celebrate and have a wonderful day now. At first it was hard for me to adjust to no family events. I accept the holidays now. B and J have stated to be like a family and frankly that feels nice. God is teaching me to love what He gives me and to not mourn the dreams I had in my heart. The more I look at what God has given me the less I hurt. What has God given me? I have lived 14 years with no abuse. Frankly that is a blessing beyond words. A man and a woman can live side by side and not use their fists. That is a blessing beyond words. We can be each other’s best friend. That is another huge blessing. We laugh, we cry, we live and love life. I love it. My friend M has stayed beside me through the years. My other Friend M always lets me know how special I am to her and her family. B and J are our family out here. We watch out for each other and hang out and it feels real nice. P and her family take us in out here. That feels awesome. Our church family has given us a deep love neither one of us knew before this church family. It is wonderful. Our Minister is awesome. He is the first minister that literally will read the Bible and preach on it word for word. It is awesome. He taught me that I am a new creation in Christ. I love it. We have our struggles for sure. Junior’s back is real messed up. He looks like he is slowing down on the renovating because his back is not bouncing back. I continue to struggle to get enough energy to do simple tasks and so far we have no medical answers. I struggle with the ability to do simple tasks mentally. I can’t keep up with paper work and I lose it. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for a wonderful new life in Jesus. I have peace which until I was in my 40’s I did not know. I have my fearful moments and my good moments. I’d rather be in this faith journey with God than without Him. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 17, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Sometimes when I hear a nominal or a non-Christian state “Judge not least ye shall be judged” I want to scream. People act like we are to NEVER judge and frankly that is wrong. Today I was reading in First Corinthians about people coming to the Lord’s Table and being a glutton. Some had not eaten prior to the meal and were over eating and even drinking too much wine and getting drunk. That is disrespectful to God and to the cross. For me communion is a deep reflective time to reflect on the gift we were given and the price Jesus paid to redeem me/us. In my own way I have communion just about daily as I say my prayers and reflect on the cross and all that Jesus went through. As I walk through each stage of his last hours I begin to see how ugly sin is, how awful it is and even the little sins as I call them are an affront to God. By the time I get to the resurrection I find hope swelling up inside of me and I find I am ever grateful for this gift. Of late with a better sleeping habit I find I do this part of my prayers as I fall asleep and often finish when I wake up. Later I go to prayer in a comfy chair and do the other parts I’ve come to do in the ACTSS prayer format. I’ve learned to pray when I am on FB as well. As I see what different people are dealing with I find myself offering a prayer. As my grandchild may be having a struggle and stating it on FB I often offer up a prayer for her as well. I am learning how to take more and more to God throughout the day. It is a joy beyond belief. I may not be able to help people physically but I sure can offer up a prayer and that makes me happy to be able to do something. When we are out and driving I’ve learned to offer up a prayer when I see an accident. So I am learning how to pray unceasingly. Some days I do better than other days. When I am able to let go of my own struggles and intercede for another a peace settles within me. Again Agape love has been a wonderful thing to learn. I truly love seeking another person’s highest good. I hate telling people “no” and when I change my attitude to seeking the highest good, I find the no’s not to be so hard to give now a days. The more I teach myself to look at the cross, the more I find myself desiring to walk very close to God and doing what I am sensing God is telling me to do. These days I don’t live in fear of failing God like I did at one time. I keep being reminded that God will give me what I need as I face the struggles in life. As Jesus went to the cross He prayed “Take this cup from me, not my will but your will.” In that I find a huge sense of peace. If Jesus needed help in facing the cross and God sent angels and then Jesus went to the cross I find I too will be able to face whatever God hands me. I learn that God truly understands and will give me what I need when I need it. That is such a huge comfort to me. As I find my way out of the fog of depression and loneliness I also find that God is and has been giving me what I need to face life. We felt led to move to Virginia. Here I find people who love me just the way I am. As a woman that never felt like I could be what I was created to be, this is a huge comfort. I am accepted for the silly girl that I can be and people don’t get all offended. As we continue to make this run down house a home I am amazed as well. Again God has met my/our needs in every way. It will take time to get it all done but this house is so comfortable. I have never in my life been as comfortable as I am in this house. As we adopt another pet I am amazed at the love these animals give me. Each one speaks to me in a special way. Right now Alex my 17 year old cat is next to me as I type on the computer. He has been by my side through all kinds of trials and he is a huge comfort. As I continue to walk through my health issues I find a peace is in me. I believe I will come back in many ways and in other ways I will have to more than likely walk with a cane for the rest of my life and you know what? That is ok. I am now sleeping most nights and when I am up and down it is not like it was a few years ago all night most nights. So again God gives me what I need and that feels real nice. Then there are the struggles I have with some relationships. I don’t get why I am not liked. I really don’t. God says “that’s ok, I love you.” That always makes me feel real good and then I find the more love God gives me the more love I am able to give to others. I love the image of a well never running dry. That is how I see God’s love. I can’t give away too much love because God will always fill me up again. So I believe we need to make judgments all the time. For me I try to take my concerns to God and let God guide my steps and even my words. My daily goal is to live for Christ and when I do I find I can hear God and then do what I hear. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 17, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Sometimes when I hear a nominal or a non-Christian state “Judge not least ye shall be judged” I want to scream. People act like we are to NEVER judge and frankly that is wrong. Today I was reading in First Corinthians about people coming to the Lord’s Table and being a glutton. Some had not eaten prior to the meal and were over eating and even drinking too much wine and getting drunk. That is disrespectful to God and to the cross. For me communion is a deep reflective time to reflect on the gift we were given and the price Jesus paid to redeem me/us. In my own way I have communion just about daily as I say my prayers and reflect on the cross and all that Jesus went through. As I walk through each stage of his last hours I begin to see how ugly sin is, how awful it is and even the little sins as I call them are an affront to God. By the time I get to the resurrection I find hope swelling up inside of me and I find I am ever grateful for this gift. Of late with a better sleeping habit I find I do this part of my prayers as I fall asleep and often finish when I wake up. Later I go to prayer in a comfy chair and do the other parts I’ve come to do in the ACTSS prayer format. I’ve learned to pray when I am on FB as well. As I see what different people are dealing with I find myself offering a prayer. As my grandchild may be having a struggle and stating it on FB I often offer up a prayer for her as well. I am learning how to take more and more to God throughout the day. It is a joy beyond belief. I may not be able to help people physically but I sure can offer up a prayer and that makes me happy to be able to do something. When we are out and driving I’ve learned to offer up a prayer when I see an accident. So I am learning how to pray unceasingly. Some days I do better than other days. When I am able to let go of my own struggles and intercede for another a peace settles within me. Again Agape love has been a wonderful thing to learn. I truly love seeking another person’s highest good. I hate telling people “no” and when I change my attitude to seeking the highest good, I find the no’s not to be so hard to give now a days. The more I teach myself to look at the cross, the more I find myself desiring to walk very close to God and doing what I am sensing God is telling me to do. These days I don’t live in fear of failing God like I did at one time. I keep being reminded that God will give me what I need as I face the struggles in life. As Jesus went to the cross He prayed “Take this cup from me, not my will but your will.” In that I find a huge sense of peace. If Jesus needed help in facing the cross and God sent angels and then Jesus went to the cross I find I too will be able to face whatever God hands me. I learn that God truly understands and will give me what I need when I need it. That is such a huge comfort to me. As I find my way out of the fog of depression and loneliness I also find that God is and has been giving me what I need to face life. We felt led to move to Virginia. Here I find people who love me just the way I am. As a woman that never felt like I could be what I was created to be, this is a huge comfort. I am accepted for the silly girl that I can be and people don’t get all offended. As we continue to make this run down house a home I am amazed as well. Again God has met my/our needs in every way. It will take time to get it all done but this house is so comfortable. I have never in my life been as comfortable as I am in this house. As we adopt another pet I am amazed at the love these animals give me. Each one speaks to me in a special way. Right now Alex my 17 year old cat is next to me as I type on the computer. He has been by my side through all kinds of trials and he is a huge comfort. As I continue to walk through my health issues I find a peace is in me. I believe I will come back in many ways and in other ways I will have to more than likely walk with a cane for the rest of my life and you know what? That is ok. I am now sleeping most nights and when I am up and down it is not like it was a few years ago all night most nights. So again God gives me what I need and that feels real nice. Then there are the struggles I have with some relationships. I don’t get why I am not liked. I really don’t. God says “that’s ok, I love you.” That always makes me feel real good and then I find the more love God gives me the more love I am able to give to others. I love the image of a well never running dry. That is how I see God’s love. I can’t give away too much love because God will always fill me up again. So I believe we need to make judgments all the time. For me I try to take my concerns to God and let God guide my steps and even my words. My daily goal is to live for Christ and when I do I find I can hear God and then do what I hear. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 13, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My thoughts turn toward relationships today. I’ve been thinking hard on relationships so I guess I should explore this thought. I realize that in order for us to be in relationship that means we need to be in consistent communication with another. That makes a lot of sense to me. I also think we need to be fairly honest. Mom though and Dad were married 39 years and Mom lived in denial and Dad accepted Mom’s denial. That said Dad often talked to me about Mom because he wasn’t sure where she stood in their relationship. Dad was miffed why Mom would not do the married woman thing with him. Dad was miffed why Mom was constantly on the run. I got to listen to Dad sort out his feelings. In my relationships I have tried to talk. As a woman I drive the men in my life crazy because I want to talk out everything. Junior often lets me know that I talk way more than he can absorb. He is good and lets me talk but I also wear the guy out at times. As a woman I tend to think through words it is how I deal with the world. I think women need a lot of friends so we can sort life out and not wear one person out. When life is troubling to me I tend to call several people and talk out the struggle so as not to wear them out while I try to figure out how to deal with the situation. Once I wrap my mind around the struggle I tend to talk less and start doing. It is the way I operate. Junior is fairly good at letting me talk. He also has times that when I start talking he shuts down and listens with a partial ear. He is doing that not to be mean but to save himself because the words overwhelm him big time. As I go along in my faith journey I find that I take all my chatter to God. I often tell God I am hurting and I need to work past the hurt. God is faithful and He begins to help me sort things out. My relationship with God is also about keeping the lines of communication going. So of course I keep talking till I “hear” what I need to “hear.” Sometimes I struggle with personality struggles and I ask God to open my heart to that person. Sometimes I need to ask God should I? Or shouldn’t I? God will often open my eyes to the things He wants me to do for my own good. We felt we were to move and we kept praying until we moved and after we moved and frankly I feel that we were to move. I sense we did what God wanted by the comfort I have at where we live. As we settled I felt God say it was time to let go and move on in some relationships. I wasn’t going to move forward with these relationships in Michigan so God said time to go and we went. Some people feel that I made that up and you know what, that is their right. For me though I feel I did what God wanted me to do and the comfort I have means I heard and did what God wanted. Sometimes our faith journey is foreign to others and frankly my goal is to live for God, not man. Do I do this all the time, No! Still it is my goal to listen to God and then to do what I hear Him tell me to do. When I do I find that God has always told me what was best for me. Being in a daily conversation with God helps me to hear Him. It also helps me to read the Bible because I begin to be able to know God and God’s ways. I learn when Satan is trying to trick me and I learn to hear God. God never has me do anything against His Word. That is one of the ways I know if something is from God. God had Abraham move. I was told to move. After much prayer we tested God’s command out and each time we found a peace so we moved. I love it here like I’ve never loved a home in my life. That comfort tells me that I am where God wants me to be. Was each day easy? No, not really. I’ve dealt with depression, low blood pressure, appendix problems….and family giving up on me. It hurt a lot at times. God also held me so tenderly and kept directing me to the people, places and things He wanted me to deal with. As I did I found a love that was so deep and wide and awesome. For a good portion of my life I believed God was real but never drew close to Him. Since my divorce I have sought God almost daily. I seek to “hear” God and to be honest I am living in a peace I have never known. I asked God if I should marry Junior, God said “go” and I married Junior. He has become my best friend. There are times I have to ask God to open my heart to this wonderful man. He can drive me crazy at times. It isn’t about getting what I want but about learning to be the woman Junior needs and when I do I find that my needs are met on a deeper level. At this point I am not concerned with what people perceive as much as I am concerned that I am doing what I hear God tell me. When I do listen to God and do what I hear I find that life is sweet even as I struggle through depression, appendix problems, low blood pressure problems or whatever. God always shows me the next step and all of a sudden, I find that I have strength, a willingness to deal with whatever struggle I am going through. Prayer and Bible study help a lot. A Christian community helps as well. How is your faith journey going? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 10, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Our floors need to be redone big time. I am amazed that a coat of wax though makes them look so much nicer. It will be a while before we begin the floors but for now the wax makes the floors look ok. At this point I will start keeping the floors clean. I cannot use a string mop very well and I will start using an electric mop. It is exciting to see Petey with more energy. He is so tiny and he is now able to jump up on the bed. He weighs less than a pound. I woke up the other morning and there was Petey. That was a precious moment for sure. I love watching Petey wander around all the dogs. He is comfortable with them and will wander around with them roaming in the house. The dogs pay him no attention and he pays no attention to them. Now the older cats if found on the floor will be chased. I find that Sundays see me sleeping a good portion of the afternoon. Saturday I find trying to do housework to be a challenge. I tend to sit more and stare. I have decided it is what is and I also know when the energy level rises I will again begin doing things. Gone are the days where I have a chat with myself about my lack of doing. These days I give myself permission to do what I can when I can and sit when I must. Junior and I are once more doing a date night. I am grateful that Junior understands my need to be taken out on a date. I love looking nice for him. I love when we hold hands. It is something that seems to move me. I love being attached to a man who seems to want me. Date night tells me in my heart that I am more than a housekeeper, cook. I think I continue to marvel that Junior is enjoying me as a friend, lover and companion. We have talks that are deep and personal, not every day but often. We share our desires and our goals with each other and frankly it feels nice. Junior is my #1 cheerleader and that feels nice. He loves when I check the stats on how many people are following my blog. He shares my joy and that is about as sweet as life can get. Junior is my best friend. These days I find I am not grieving relationships. I have the ones that God has placed in my life and I find myself deeply enjoying them. These people accept me as I am, love me and then cheer me on. That feels nice to be honest. I love when they laugh at my antics. I love knowing that I matter. Right now B is staying with us for a few days. I always enjoy her visits. We get the girl talk out of our system, Junior gets a break from my need to talk and it works. B uses our washer and dryer, our shower of which she has none at her house. She helps with the cooking and we enjoy that as well. I am learning how to be a southern cook. Again I feel that our home is part B’s home as well. She has been here from the beginning and frankly I love sharing our home with her. B has her things she likes to do. She came in yesterday and within short order we had new scents in the wax burners. I was going to change them in the morning and she did it first thing. It is funny. She helps keep the house in good order as well. She likes washing windows and I don’t so it all works. We have our areas we like to work on and frankly the house stays nice due to her helping out. B has a real bad back, plus other health issues. Sometimes she sleeps a lot. I find that to be ok. I understand that pain makes people very tired. I see it with Junior so I am good with her nodding out on me. I have my moments of snoozing although not like I was doing. I take my walks and do what I do and when she wakes up we resume our chats or housework or whatever. B loves our animals and they love her. I could have a moment of being jealous but I have decided not to. B and Junior have a way with animals that is astounding to me. I always feel safe when we travel and B is here taking care of the children. If she has to go home which is an hour from us then she takes the cat that has grandmal seizures. He has to be medicated and a day away won’t work. She takes him and he likes being with her and it all seems to work. I am back to that thought again. I love the people in my life who enjoy me and want me around. I am finally understanding that I am not important to everyone, especially family and you know what that is ok. I find a deep sense of enjoyment with those that want me. My life is not what I had envisioned it to be but again that is ok. God keeps showing me that I matter and am important. I always thought if no one loved me, family would and frankly that is not the case in my life. That does not mean I am worthless though. I love when I enter a room and people smile. It feels good and that is what I try to focus on these days. My life has value and worth. It isn’t what I thought it would be but that is ok. I love my “and that is ok” way of thinking these days. Instead of mourning what I don’t have I have learned to love what I do have. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 7, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Becoming a Christian is a day to day moment by moment process. I am not where I was. I am not perfect yet and I am growing still. When I look at life as a continuing learning process I find I am not so upset with myself for not being, doing etc. I believe the hugest comfort I have found in the last few years is that if no one else in the world likes who or what I am, that is ok. One of my current favorite sayings is “Jesus thinks I’m to die for.” That makes me feel very special. So if people don’t like me, I’m now good with that more often than not. I find myself moving along in life, enjoying life and enjoying those God has put near me. I no longer am striving to figure out what I want to be or should be….I truly am starting to like the person I am especially the person I am in the Lord. It feels good way down deep inside of me these days. I also realize I will not be lonely. God always gives me people who enjoy me for who I am. I can’t believe us. The neighbors have several kids most of which are preschool age. They adopted two kittens and carried them everywhere. The one is growing like a weed and the other one is not doing very well. We volunteered to take the one that was not thriving so well. He is tiny, that is something I’ve wanted for a long time, decades really a really tiny pet. I now have a tiny pet and I love him like I thought I would. We lost Puppup and Sara. We think they both were found by coyotes and have not survived. Junior went to a yard sale and the people had a blood hound they were not happy with. It was malnourished big time so Junior volunteered to bring him home. He is putting on weight and seems to be happy and content at our house. Now we have a new kitten. I have no idea why we seem to be the owners of 4 dogs and 3 cats but we love these guys a ton. They give us many chuckles and the dogs going on my walks are about as funny as it can get. They get so excited and run along the road with us. Most people our age tend to let the animals they own die and then they don’t replace them, not us, we seem to be adopting animals left and right….. This kitten, the neighbor was helping Junior with some work around the house and was telling him about the kitten not growing. The wife stopped by and was telling me about the kitten. Both Junior and I said we’d take it in if they wanted, without talking to each other. I find that funny too. He is about as cuddly as he can get. He is comfortable around our dogs. We tend to let our dogs in along with several of the neighbors dogs. We found out that our neighbors do the same for our dogs and let them in their house. So the kitten is used to the dogs and follows them around. The dogs don’t have a need to chase him around. They all do their thing and it is precious. Our older cats aren’t fond of the dogs and hang out in all the high spots more than they do the floor. Well during the day anyway. Alex was wandering around in the bathroom last night and I tripped on him when I got up in the middle of the night. So life goes. These animals are the children we were never able to have as a couple. We met and married when we were older and babies weren’t part of the package anymore. Our babies are these animals and we love them to no end. If someone would have told me I’d have 7 animals when I was younger I would have thought they were nuts. I love coming home from an outing and all the dogs greeting us. They are always excited to see us and frankly that feels nice. The cats are happy sitting in our laps and Blanko likes sleeping in our bed at night all hunkered between Junior and I. The best part about having animal children is that there is very little sibling rivalry and we don’t need to figure out how to make each one know we love them. They know they all are wanted and each will seek us out when they need attention. It works. The dogs all occupy each other and play with each other so they don’t come to us to play very often. They mainly come for pets and the like. The cats also keep each other company so that works as well. Since we are on 9 acres we have plenty of space for them to roam around in as well. Oh I forgot we also have a few outside cats in the outbuildings. They help keep mice and snakes off of the property. Gee I like that a ton. I don’t like those critters and if they don’t hang around I’m not upset. The neighbors have a tiny dog and frankly he is my buddy too. I love the very tiny animals and now I find that two are in my life I am about as content as I can be. We’ve only had the kitten a day or so and this little guy is eating like there is no tomorrow. Junior is always marveling at how big his stomach is when we feed him. I am sure he will be a strong kitty in short order. We also are planning a trip to the Vet to get him his shots. Since losing Missy we feel that we should at least get them first sets of shots to give them a chance. So again I find life to be good. We have animals that let us love them and we love them. We have some good friends and well life is really sweet. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 3, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Alex my cat is in my lap as I sit in my comfy chair and keyboard. This to me is about as comfortable as life can get….my cat loves me, my man loves and frankly I love being a wanted woman. It feels wonderful! Again I look throughout the house and see a more finished home and fall in love with this house. It is a daily exercise I love going through. Junior went off to the Chiropractor this morning leaving me at home. I am good these days with being left behind. I love the house and here I feel safe. I love the old fashioned look of this house since it is 80 to 100 years old. Junior may be slow at getting things done but he does an excellent job and frankly it is worth it. As I sit here I see a hummingbird fly in for a drink. Yup I do love the low key lifestyle we have. I no longer want drama to be a part of my life. I love living a boring life especially with Junior….he makes boring a very comfortable place to be. On occasion I notice when I am talking to people that they seem to think I am dumb. It is the sense I get from their responses to me. I also sense that talking to me is a challenge and it is all they can do to remain calm. Now I do play dumb due to a lifetime of put downs. It is what I do. I have friends, many friends who find me to be very acceptable but the ones who don’t well they tend to patronize me and I know it. It is what it is. I find myself calling these people less and less. At this point I already know my flaws and frankly the patronizing attitude does not lend itself to a desire for closeness. With the aid of Prozac I am finally accepting “me” for whom I am. I can’t change every personality defect and I live with me. I do try to check in with God on a daily basis to see if I need to change. If God directs me to change then I begin the process of changing. I have also let God teach me that He made me the way I am as well. There is a reason I play dumb. Do I know why? Other than it is a defense technique nope I don’t know why. If God wants me this way well I am good with it now. I am who I am in Jesus. It is what it is. These days I find myself feeling more and more safe and comfortable with the people who enjoy me for whom and what I am. I am tired of trying to make myself into something I’m not able to be. I have enough challenges at present trying to overcome issues that have cropped up in my life, like walking and falling. Junior loves me the way I am and frankly that helps me a ton. He finds me cute. I like being cute. So I am finally accepting that I can’t be what everyone thinks I should be and that is ok. As I look back on Dad’s life I find myself feeling for him. Dad’s Dad was a tyrant and he left home at the tender age of 14. Dad in many ways never progressed beyond the 14 year old boy and frankly that is what we kids dealt with growing up. Was it perfect oh heck no! Was Dad abusive? Yes he was! Still I have tenderness for Dad deep inside of me. Mom on the other hand, I seem to have indifference big time. Mom had me get back into a neighbor’s car when he exposed himself to me. Mom let little brother touch me and when I told she did nothing. So I see that Mom dealt with a lot of stuff. Driving us from Colorado to Michigan in February and being the only driver and caretaker, if we got food it was Mom who got it since us kids were so young and Dad was now in a wheel chair. Mom went back to work to put food on the table for the family and Mom stood by Dad when he had polio even though she had been thinking of leaving Dad. Dad’s parents would do nothing for Dad so Mom stayed and I respect Mom a ton. My loyalty comes from Mom I believe and frankly I am proud of my loyalty. I don’t give up the minute I hit a rough patch in life, I keep trying. Junior enjoys my loyalty a ton. He knows that he knows that he is the man I want to be with. The first time around the woman in his life liked to step out on him and frankly that hurt him a ton. He knows that he knows that I am not going to play the field. I like that Junior knows this as well. I am grateful to learn that not all men hit women. I am grateful that I don’t even get yelled at on a daily basis. It feels good deep inside. I hit a mailbox recently as I was driving and knocked the mirror off. Junior was calm when I told him what I did and not once said an angry word. When Junior does stupid things he is patient with himself and frankly I love this man because I am not cussed out over every offense. Junior teaches me that men aren’t all angry like the angry men in my growing up years and my first marriage. I did not think such a man existed. I teach Junior not all women like to step out on their men. Junior’s Dad was always stepping out on the women he was married to, his wife stepped out on him and for him that was his reality. We enjoy being with each other, I find that amazing even though it has been 14 years with this gem. Yup I do love my new life. I love Junior always pointing me back to Jesus. I love learning how to love God first and for some reason when I do I find a deeper relationship with Junior. Who is first in your marriage? Is it God? It needs to be. For me….I find that if I go to God first I then learn how to love Junior even deeper. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet