November 21, 2012 Greetings My Friend, All I wanted to be is a mother. I was in a relationship that was abusive. I stayed way too long. I found it hard to leave. After the divorce I was able for a few years to stay away from my abuser. I quit going to family functions and frankly I missed a whole lot. I wanted to be away from my abuser more than be near him and hear his familiar chatter and possibly re-enter a relationship again. I did not want to fear for the rest of my life and to try to figure out the triggers that would set him off. I could never figure them out and frankly I was tired by the time I was divorced. I must say holidays are a very tender sad moment for me. I got my wish and I’ve not see “Him” in three years now. I don’t have to put up with his being overly friendly and following me around these days. After we were in Virginia for a bit I began to realize that I was so worked up with each holiday and family event that “He” was at. I was wore out from the overly friendly appearance he gave. For me I saw a very angry man….I could not let that picture of him go. I have PTSD. That means I struggle big time letting the past go. I want to. I talk to myself often and then before I know it I am seeing scenes from my past. With the aid of Prozac I am able to move out of those fearful moments rather quickly. Just because I’m on Prozac though does not mean that I can completely let the pictures go. I can’t. Junior suffers from PTSD. His is from the war. He has not fought in the war for 40 years now. He still has moments though. He often wakes up with bad nightmares. Sometimes when life is stressful his anger will be in full force. I am amazed because Junior even with the aid of Paxil tends to struggle with the war that happened so long ago. I am not afraid of Junior though. He is able to go off on his own when he knows he is not in good shape. He will snap at me and I know to leave the guy alone. If I do he pulls himself together and soon we are friends. I have learned to back off, go away if need be. Junior works through his struggle and we are friends in short order. We as a couple deal with PTSD. We understand each other on a level no one else does. That helps me as I process my junk. I as a woman talked about my pain constantly. Finally I was tired of constantly being depressed and asked to be put on medication. It is wonderful. These days I have not quit thinking about what happened all those years ago but now I can move out of those thoughts a whole lot quicker and I am not consumed like I once was. B and J will come over and we will celebrate with them. They in a way have become my adopted family out here in VA. She loves cooking so I will let her take the lead with getting the meal together. I will assist and we will be silly and enjoy our day. This year we will be able to eat dinner at the table. It is cleared off and ready to be set. That feels wonderful. Junior and I bought several small sets of dishes that are different. I love the idea of the mis-matched dishes. It reminds me of a quilt. I love quilts with all the pieces of cloth from life. It amazes me to see the rough edged pieces sewed in with the pretty neat pieces. Life to me is like a quilt in many ways. We have the pretty things we go to and the not so pretty things that crop up and share moments alongside of the beautiful moments. That is life. When I first went on Prozac I felt God say to me that if He gave me friends, family then” how can that Man take them away.” That was the fear I was processing. I’d get on FB and there He was with my family at family events and I was not invited. It hurt beyond measure. Then I’d see him at his family events and again I am not there. His family has not contacted me and my family remains friends with Him. It hurts to say the least. At that point I was not able to let go of the deep pain I felt and the Prozac was how I was able to move beyond the pain. I was married to that Man for 24 years. We had a long history and frankly I would have loved to see the nieces and nephews grow up as well. I knew that if I kept being in touch with this man then I’d be swallowed up and back to his abusive ways. So I pulled as far away as I could. I pulled away from my own children as well. The holidays meant they got together with their Dad and I was left alone with Junior. In the aloneness though I learned of God’s deep love for us and how much I matter to God. I can celebrate and have a wonderful day now. At first it was hard for me to adjust to no family events. I accept the holidays now. B and J have stated to be like a family and frankly that feels nice. God is teaching me to love what He gives me and to not mourn the dreams I had in my heart. The more I look at what God has given me the less I hurt. What has God given me? I have lived 14 years with no abuse. Frankly that is a blessing beyond words. A man and a woman can live side by side and not use their fists. That is a blessing beyond words. We can be each other’s best friend. That is another huge blessing. We laugh, we cry, we live and love life. I love it. My friend M has stayed beside me through the years. My other Friend M always lets me know how special I am to her and her family. B and J are our family out here. We watch out for each other and hang out and it feels real nice. P and her family take us in out here. That feels awesome. Our church family has given us a deep love neither one of us knew before this church family. It is wonderful. Our Minister is awesome. He is the first minister that literally will read the Bible and preach on it word for word. It is awesome. He taught me that I am a new creation in Christ. I love it. We have our struggles for sure. Junior’s back is real messed up. He looks like he is slowing down on the renovating because his back is not bouncing back. I continue to struggle to get enough energy to do simple tasks and so far we have no medical answers. I struggle with the ability to do simple tasks mentally. I can’t keep up with paper work and I lose it. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for a wonderful new life in Jesus. I have peace which until I was in my 40’s I did not know. I have my fearful moments and my good moments. I’d rather be in this faith journey with God than without Him. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet