November 24, 2012 Greetings My Friend, There is that old feeling trying to rear inside of me. After graduating high school two weeks actually I got married. Later I felt I should get some education and started college. By the time I went to college I was a mother and our income was very poor at best. I started off wanting to be a preschool teacher later I found a part time job in an office and decided a business degree would help me earn a decent and better wage. I loved my first English class. I learned to write a journal and have done it on and off since then for a good 30 years now. I even toyed with being a writer early on and this dream is now being fulfilled with this blog and my book I wrote “On the Way to Wholeness by the Way of ACTSS.” As we settle I am finding myself writing more and loving it. Since working at a part time job is not a possibility at present I see my writing as my job and I love it. I went to school part time for several years. Then my nephew drowned and 10 months later Dad died and I often came home to find my husband sitting on my child and no explanation of his crime….. I found I could no longer work, raise a family and deal with family life and gave up. At that point I had been at the bank a few years and my income was going up nicely….I never wanted to be rich….able to pay bills and that was all I wanted. I turned down a lot of overtime so I could be with my family. I did not seek a high position so I could maintain my obligation to my kids….yes I moved up a bit but not real far. I am glad I had enough education to help me earn a decent living. I learned some things in college and am grateful. I learned I loved writing and have been working on it for years… I am glad I went also because I know deep inside of me life is not all about a college education. The more I walk in faith well to me is what we need not so much about being at the top of a dean’s list. When I married Junior he was involved with Amway. We went to a lot of meetings and I soon learned it is what we learn in life not college is what is important. Amway is a lot of about a relationship with God as well and as I developed my walk with the Lord the college thing grew dimmer and dimmer. I began to learn more and grow more and it was a walk with the Lord where I found myself being able to live a better life. As I left my first marriage many nights I was crying in bed talking to God. I felt God’s arms wrap tenderly around me. I found courage to get up and face each day. I began a thankful journal and found myself feeling calmer, safer than I had ever felt. Some days it was hard to find something to be thankful for. I was even thankful at times for the divorce although I would have rather stayed married and worked out the struggles. I was befuddled…I had prayed for the marriage to be saved only to be divorced. At this point I am grateful but in the beginning I wasn’t so sure. I went on to meet my current husband and have been with him 14 years now. I have seen the tenderness and the hardness in a man. I have been touched wonderfully in my heart. God has given me a good husband. Prior to my current husband life with men was a scary prospect. I have learned that not all men give into anger. Does Junior get angry, he sure does? His anger is mostly a controlled anger though and for that I am in awe. He does not beat the dogs when they potty in the house. His voice will get loud but Junior is always in control as he corrects them. The tire goes flat and he goes about getting it changed without a lot of swear words, anger spewing out of him. Prior to Junior the men in my life usually responded with anger and it often resulted in a few slugs to my body. I had a bit of education, I earned a decent living and I lived in abuse. I often hear “you made good money why did you stay?” Well, I may have had some education and earned a good living but each time I tried to leave I was sent back and told that I was annoying and frankly after a while I believed I deserved this treatment. Again after the divorce I stayed in counseling and tried to get as whole as I could. I surely did not want to go through abuse again. If that was what marriage was about, I’d rather had been single for the rest of my life. As I married Junior God gave me a prayer for this marriage. I don’t think I came up with it on my own. Anyway I pray and ask God to teach me to be the wife my husband needs me to be. Again the Agape love of seeking another’s highest good has helped me live in more contentment. God often teaches me to speak to Junior’s heart. So I ask just about daily “Lord teach me to be the wife Junior needs. Not a cookie cutter mold but the woman Junior needs.” Then I ask for God “teach me to be the wife, friend, lover and companion JUNIOR needs me to be.” I also ask “Open my eyes and heart to Junior” God has done so over and over and I find I understand Junior when I’d like to walk away in frustration. I find tenderness instead of hardness in my heart. Then I ask “Teach me to honor and respect him.” I am clueless as to what honor and respect look like. About the time I think I am honoring and respecting Junior he tells me I am not so I ask God to show me and God does. Then I ask God to “teach me to seek Junior’s highest good and to not hurt his feelings.” Men, I am so clueless at times. As a woman I often strike out with words. Men are physically strong, women use words. Little did I understand that words can be as harmful as a fist in the eye? Now I am gentle with my own anger and when I am angry I go to prayer and God has always shown what I needed to do. God also softens my heart so that my love continues to grow for my man. It is awesome. I end my prayer with “Father protect us and hold us close. Teach us to be faithful and fruitful first to you and then to each other. Lead us, guide us and direct us. In Jesus Name amen.” Yup praying for my marriage almost daily has been a blessing. Won’t you consider praying for your marriage? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet