November 3, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Alex my cat is in my lap as I sit in my comfy chair and keyboard. This to me is about as comfortable as life can get….my cat loves me, my man loves and frankly I love being a wanted woman. It feels wonderful! Again I look throughout the house and see a more finished home and fall in love with this house. It is a daily exercise I love going through. Junior went off to the Chiropractor this morning leaving me at home. I am good these days with being left behind. I love the house and here I feel safe. I love the old fashioned look of this house since it is 80 to 100 years old. Junior may be slow at getting things done but he does an excellent job and frankly it is worth it. As I sit here I see a hummingbird fly in for a drink. Yup I do love the low key lifestyle we have. I no longer want drama to be a part of my life. I love living a boring life especially with Junior….he makes boring a very comfortable place to be. On occasion I notice when I am talking to people that they seem to think I am dumb. It is the sense I get from their responses to me. I also sense that talking to me is a challenge and it is all they can do to remain calm. Now I do play dumb due to a lifetime of put downs. It is what I do. I have friends, many friends who find me to be very acceptable but the ones who don’t well they tend to patronize me and I know it. It is what it is. I find myself calling these people less and less. At this point I already know my flaws and frankly the patronizing attitude does not lend itself to a desire for closeness. With the aid of Prozac I am finally accepting “me” for whom I am. I can’t change every personality defect and I live with me. I do try to check in with God on a daily basis to see if I need to change. If God directs me to change then I begin the process of changing. I have also let God teach me that He made me the way I am as well. There is a reason I play dumb. Do I know why? Other than it is a defense technique nope I don’t know why. If God wants me this way well I am good with it now. I am who I am in Jesus. It is what it is. These days I find myself feeling more and more safe and comfortable with the people who enjoy me for whom and what I am. I am tired of trying to make myself into something I’m not able to be. I have enough challenges at present trying to overcome issues that have cropped up in my life, like walking and falling. Junior loves me the way I am and frankly that helps me a ton. He finds me cute. I like being cute. So I am finally accepting that I can’t be what everyone thinks I should be and that is ok. As I look back on Dad’s life I find myself feeling for him. Dad’s Dad was a tyrant and he left home at the tender age of 14. Dad in many ways never progressed beyond the 14 year old boy and frankly that is what we kids dealt with growing up. Was it perfect oh heck no! Was Dad abusive? Yes he was! Still I have tenderness for Dad deep inside of me. Mom on the other hand, I seem to have indifference big time. Mom had me get back into a neighbor’s car when he exposed himself to me. Mom let little brother touch me and when I told she did nothing. So I see that Mom dealt with a lot of stuff. Driving us from Colorado to Michigan in February and being the only driver and caretaker, if we got food it was Mom who got it since us kids were so young and Dad was now in a wheel chair. Mom went back to work to put food on the table for the family and Mom stood by Dad when he had polio even though she had been thinking of leaving Dad. Dad’s parents would do nothing for Dad so Mom stayed and I respect Mom a ton. My loyalty comes from Mom I believe and frankly I am proud of my loyalty. I don’t give up the minute I hit a rough patch in life, I keep trying. Junior enjoys my loyalty a ton. He knows that he knows that he is the man I want to be with. The first time around the woman in his life liked to step out on him and frankly that hurt him a ton. He knows that he knows that I am not going to play the field. I like that Junior knows this as well. I am grateful to learn that not all men hit women. I am grateful that I don’t even get yelled at on a daily basis. It feels good deep inside. I hit a mailbox recently as I was driving and knocked the mirror off. Junior was calm when I told him what I did and not once said an angry word. When Junior does stupid things he is patient with himself and frankly I love this man because I am not cussed out over every offense. Junior teaches me that men aren’t all angry like the angry men in my growing up years and my first marriage. I did not think such a man existed. I teach Junior not all women like to step out on their men. Junior’s Dad was always stepping out on the women he was married to, his wife stepped out on him and for him that was his reality. We enjoy being with each other, I find that amazing even though it has been 14 years with this gem. Yup I do love my new life. I love Junior always pointing me back to Jesus. I love learning how to love God first and for some reason when I do I find a deeper relationship with Junior. Who is first in your marriage? Is it God? It needs to be. For me….I find that if I go to God first I then learn how to love Junior even deeper. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet