May 31 2014

May 31 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I am doing what I have wanted to do for a lifetime. I am writing and loving it. I am sharing my faith journey on this blog, on FB with two pages one as me doing me and then one page is titled “Letters from Janet.” On this page I am sharing the things I learn, my perspective of what I have learned etc. It is developing so I am not sure where it will go in the future.

I am on Twitter and my cousin taught me how to mange FB and Twitter on a program that will post to both and I can put posts out there to run at a different time. As I learn these things I find my computer abilities growing. I love learning.

This week I also signed onto Instagram. This allows me to post pictures on FB and twitter. I haven't figured out where this avenue will take me other than from what I understand the pictures sent from Instagram tend to not be able to be traced....

At some point I may try to put my different formats into an e-book format. Time will tell. I am learning and growing and loving it. I have a purpose outside of keeping our house clean. I had thought I would get a part time job and volunteer when I retired along with writing. I don't have the ability to hold down a part time job or volunteer regularly. Writing fills the gap nicely.

These days I spend a few hours writing fairly much daily. It is how I wake up and get my day started. As I am beginning to use my inhalers I am finding I can do physical things longer. I am grateful that my CPOD is a mild case. I never smoked but for the first 40 years of my life I lived with heavy smokers. It is what it is. At least I know what is going on and why I can't push past certain physical points. I hope to build my endurance up, we will see.

I truly believe that my health issues are now fully dealt with and I can move forward once more. It has taken several years to walk through all of these issues but one by one we my doctor and I are dealing with these struggles.

While shopping today I did not have a cart to push around and I ran out of steam. I found a spot to sit down and rest. Junior finished up what he was looking for and we went home. I realize that I need to work within my limitations and I attempt to do that.

I was so disappointed that for me retirement was such a struggle. I thought a few months to relax and then enter into my planned projects would see me going at full speed. It did not work out that way. I fell apart emotionally and physically. This June I will be retired for 6 years. We have lived in VA for 5 years now and things are settling rather nicely. Our home is taking shape and the confusion of renovation chaos is settling and I am finding my way better.

This years visit back to MI has found me relaxed in my relationships. The tension and striving to be perfect is not crowding out my calm. I love it. I am developing a comfortable relationship with my children. I sense an openness to our conversations without the hurt from the past.

I have a niece and nephew who are allowing Junior and I to “play” the parent roles we have longed to do. Junior has helped them get an upstairs hall sanded and painted. I have helped with sweeping a bit. As they have worked I have spent time on writing for my blog, my FB “Letters From Janet” page. I am developing a style and feeling comfortable with it. The only tweets I am doing right now is to send out my blog address and my book address where people can buy it. When I get back to VA I plan on tweeting other things as well.

Our nephew's teenage son has allowed us to advise him and interact with him like he is one of grandchildren. It feels real good too. Our nephew has taught me to move around on my smart phone better and showed me how download a few apps. I now have a “fitness” app which is helping me track the food I am eating. I eat fairly well and now I am getting a better sense of portion sizes. I also have downloaded instagram and I am seeing where this app. Can take me.

As we begin to look to head back home I have a lot of warmth in my heart. It has been a long process of reaching this point in my life. God has taken me step by step and many of these steps have taken years to see this end result. Some days it has been very hard but I have felt God's presence. I never have felt alone or abandoned which gave me the will power to see each struggle through.

I also realize that I may have to grow through some more changes as the days, months and years proceed. Having these past struggles to look back on I sense I will enter into my next ones easier. For now I enjoy this period of peace within me. God is good and my love continues to grow closer to Him.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 29 2014

May 29 2014

Greetings My Friend,

During my first conversations with God I asked Him to teach me to love people. I loved feeling God's love and somewhere inside of me I wanted to pass that love around.

In school I tended to hang out with the kids that were going to go to college, go to work right out of high school and such. They felt “right” to me. As I grew up and had a family I continued down that path. I worked in a bank and the people there were furthering their education. I went to college. I never finished college due to the stress at home.

I got enough education to help support my family and that was fine with me. I felt comfortable with my middle class life style. I was always attracted to the “James Dean, rebel without a cause” kind of man. It was what I knew as I look back on life.

Dad was one. My ex was one and even Junior has had his “bad boy” days. These type of men were also attracted to me. Somehow I always made them comfortable. Both my ex and Junior went from their rough ways to the middle class way of life.

My siblings went a different route. It was what they knew and felt comfortable in. Their life style was low middle class and that is where they thrived. For the longest time I felt “better” than them.

As I began my faith journey I was reconnecting with my sister and we were able to see each other with a different set of eyes. Things went well for several years. Junior and I moved to VA with the hopes of deepening our relationship with her and her husband.

About the time we moved I went through a crisis of health and emotional health and my ADHD displayed itself big time. For most of my life I was able to function and not annoy people because I ran at full steam juggling life which kept me on an even keel.

In VA I found that I annoyed some people big time including my sister. I heard comments that felt like I was lower than low. I began to feel inferior and my depression went south. I was the “strange” person and it felt awful.

My fear of my ex never fully left me. It got worse as I watched him on FB at my nieces wedding and I was not invited. My anxiety was out of control and the usual methods of coming back to square one was not working. My doctor put me on anti anxiety medication and soon I was working my way back to the person I had always been.

I also had health issues that slowed me down so my brain went faster than my body did. I had to handle new ways of dealing with life. I could no longer get up and do a few chores for a couple of hours at a time. It took a while but I did learn to do a little sit a little and then do some more until I finished my project.

One of our nephews has a lot of tattoos. They go down his arms, down his legs and all over his body. They are his “comfort”. He is also open to walking with Jesus. He struggles though when he goes to a church because people tend to not receive him. His life experiences were crazy like mine was and Junior's was as we grew up. He went the way he went. Due to the permanence of his tattoos people tend to judge him and won't allow him to walk away from his past. I hurt each time I hear how rejected he feels.

He is a good man. A gentle man and a patient man. He has been teaching me how to use my smart phone more effectively. I have felt safe with this man from the start of my meeting him. I am not afraid and men still scare me at times. Many times for me to move past my fear I have to ask God for help. He guides me and these days I am able to talk to men without a lot of posturing.

Sometimes when I am at church I tend to pick up vibes that those that have been walking with the Lord are somehow “better” and have a right to “judge” and they give off the impression they are going to heaven and “you” aren't.

Frankly that is not necessarily the case. I feel that church is a “hospital” for all “sinners” and that includes middle class people, bikers, people filled with tattoos and even those that have been promiscuous. For me a church is a place to gain strength to continue on in my journey. At times I give counsel, comfort or a helping hand as well.

When I look back on my journey I see where at one point I was a gossip, I held grudges and a whole host of things. I also see that step by step, day by day as I continued on in this journey that I am a “new creation in Christ”. I began to accept people right where they were at just as God accepted me right where I was at. I often shared parts of my journey so others could grow in their faith. That is the purpose of my blog.

We are all called to reach out with the Good News and to share God's love. God gives Agape love – seeking our highest good. My goal is to Agape love another which means I am not to be a floor mat and let people walk all over me in the “hope” people will get the message. That means I need to say “no” from time to time. I don't give money to each and every poor person just to give money. I sometimes give of my excess belongings, hire work, or give of my time. God guides me in my giving for the good of the one I am helping.

I end this with......are you open to accepting people right where they are at even if it foreign to you?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 27 2014

May 27 2014

Greetings My Friend,

It seems each visit back to MI takes on a flavor of its own. This visit is no exception. We are staying with my Niece and her family. I have moved past some of my tendency to hold back with her husband. He is teaching me to maneuver around my smart phone. I now have a calorie counter app so I can begin to lose a bit of weight. I am on instagram and I am enjoying it as well. This is where my granddaughter hangs out so I hope to do some hanging out on there with her.

Last night I woke up for a while. I floated on FB, e-mail and now instagram to pass the time away. I have been wanting to down load an audio book application and struggled to figure out how. After T had showed me a few things I downloaded the file with no problem. I overcame another hurdle. I am proud of myself.

I am moving around the instagram application and enjoying it as well. I have a few people who have accepted me as a friend on the program so I build. My 2^nd FB page is now making more sense to me and I am writing on that page as well. My nephew sent my page out to some of his friends list which helped me get to a goal so I can view statics.

For me the lesson seems to be learning and growing and ultimately accepting life right where it is at. As I visited with my son's family and an old childhood friend of his I found myself totally comfortable in my own skin. The friend and my son relived some of their childhood moments with me. We laughed at the antics the boys did. Somewhere in the midst of all that I also sensed a moment of “understanding” between the men. Life was crazy in our house and they knew it but they were not stuck in that craziness. They relished their friendship. That was nice to see.

Both my son and my niece and Junior and I seem to be at a point of “it was what it was and it is what it is.” We tend to do day to day life and are comfortable where we are at. We all seem to be upfront with our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life as it once was and as it is now. It is refreshing.

When I asked my niece to show me something on my smartphone she referred me to her husband. I asked her if she was uncomfortable with teaching and she said she was. Her husband is a great teacher and a very patient man.

My niece and Junior are preparing to paint the upstairs hallway. They have been working and chatting. My nephew can't help due to recent back surgery so he works with me on my learning to move around my smart phone. We have shared some of our life story and I shared my journey of faith. It is nice and it is also comfortable.

I also feel the “family” connection I have missed for so long. I almost sense that we may be in MI for Easter in the future. I love that feeling as well. It was great seeing our grandchildren. My granddaughter helped me take a few pictures on my phone as well. My eyes are blurry so at times it is hard to get a good picture.

We will be here a few more days. We will see a few more friends throughout the week. We will see if we can hook up with my son and his family again before we head back.

Once again I realize that God has brought me to this long awaited moment. I am able to love without regard and frankly it feels nice. I again learn that God answers prayers. Sometimes it is “wait” sometimes it is “no” and sometimes He gives us something more than we ever could dream of. So I learn again to wait out the storms and know that after the storm the sun will shine again.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 24 2014

May 24 2014

Greetings My Friend,

We are in MI this week. We got in last night and we are staying with a niece which is fun. Today we ate at a Greek restaurant and then spent the rest of the day shopping. By the time we got to Home Depot our last store I had run out of steam so I stayed in the car and took a nap.

We are home now and the rest of the group is taking a nap. I called my Son and had a chat with him. We will get together for lunch tomorrow which should be fun catching up with his family.

With each conversation of late I get that we have arrived at the same place only by a different route. I keep noticing that we are saying much the same thing about life's circumstances.

We both have come to where we are content with life as we have it. We both are done trying to please everyone. The more we try to please people, the more people have another idea of how we should be doing life. At this point we set our course and we run with it.

I love being at my nieces. We chat, we are silly and we hang out doing stuff. The stuff isn't exciting or life changing but we are doing life as it comes and that part is so sweet.

We had as much fun shopping at Kohl's as we did at a thrift store. We found things on mark down and bought them. I have two new bracelets and love them. Junior also got me a new pair of flip flops which are real cute.

Everyone is wore out and napping which is sweet too. Since I had my nap in the car I am in my own world. My thoughts run through the day and I find myself smiling over different moments and I love it.

Seeking another person's highest good feels real nice. If I am seeking their good then I don't seem to need to be the center of attention anymore. I like this way of loving other people so much.

I see God loving me this way and the more I love God the more I learn to love the way He does. As I find myself in relationship with God and He is seeking my best I also find that I seek Junior's best as well.

I see this as a circle and the more I practice it I find that we tend to consistently seem to want the best for each other. Our love seems to keep growing deeper. These days we both say without hesitation how much the other one means to us.

“Reaping what you sow” tends to play out in my mind. If I sow anger, unkindness and theft then I can expect to receive these things back into my life. Learning how to seek another persons highest good tends to have good things come back to me.

When I am faced with moments of cruelness I also find that I am able to move through the struggle. I am not alone and I always have a comforting and strong arm with me. When the struggle comes and I depend on God I gain strength, not my own but God's. It is precious.

“Reap what you sow, lean not unto your own understanding, I will never leave you or forsake you” and many more Scripture passages come to me as I live day to day and I know again I am wanted and not alone.

Making God the center of my life is bringing me wholeness and for the first time in my life I am good with life as it is.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 22 2014

May 22 2014

Greetings My Friend,

As I read FB I see a story about a woman who “lived” through the death of her beloved husband. She did this by leaning on God. She felt God's mighty hold on her and as she felt His strength on her she was able to put one foot in front of the other. She was able to move through each day.

After 24 years of being married I found myself single again. I felt discarded and unwanted. It truly was the best for me to not be in the midst of abuse anymore. Still I wasn't sure I wanted to be single. I believed that I could not handle life on my own.

As I opened my heart to God though I started facing each day and making a new life. I began a “thank you” journal. That journal helped me to see all that I truly had. I moved in with Mom so I had a warm home to live in. I helped Mom by getting her house in order for her to begin retirement. Night after night I'd haul boxes of things to the curb. All the hauling and moving things tired me out and I found that my brain did not keep repeating the hurt I knew so well.

Mom had dinner for me in the evenings when I got home from work. That was a treat. I usually came home and made dinner for the family and now I was given a treat. Mom often took my car in for maintenance work and I drove Mom's car to work. That was nice.

Mom's health was getting worse. Emphysema was taking its toll on her. She gave up smoking when she no longer could inhale. I think she missed Dad. I would run errands for Mom and when she felt up to it I would take her with me. Mom gave my day definition.

I found a singles group to join and new friends came across my path. Junior crossed my path. He was my facilitator for Divorce Recovery. I had learned to let go of my former marriage. I started finding the person I was and I was liking “me.”

Junior and I married. Before running off to Ohio I started praying and asking God if I should marry this man. I knew how I loved being near him but I did not want to be abused again. I'd rather stay single than go through all the abuse. I felt God release the fear in me and I sensed Him saying to “Go and don't look back.” I went and did not look back. These past 16 years have been awesome.

We had the struggle of combining two different people into one relationship but we kept taking our marriage to God and today we rarely have words. We are good friends and I love it.

The more I learned to trust God to rely on God the more I went to God for each step in my journey of life and faith. At one point God asked to have “more” of me. I questioned Him big time for a period of time and then I found myself letting go and allowing God to have “all of me.”

Since that moment I have a deeper peace. My day starts off in prayer and part of that prayer is “Lord put me, this day, my life to Your Holy use.” As I keep giving God “all” of me I find it is not scary. I find myself accepting “myself” as I am.

At this point in my life I tend to give God all of me. I seek God for everything in my life. Talking to God as I go to sleep and wake up. Some mornings I linger in bed so I can be closer to God longer. It is a precious feeling.

Gone is the loneliness of a lifetime. Many people still tend to not seem to like me. Today though I don't strive to a “people pleaser.” My goal is God first even before Junior. The more I learn and do this the more life tends to be pleasant.

Where do you get your peace? Money? Man? God????

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 202014

May 20 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I am praying through Jesus' last hours on the cross. Once more I am at the point of Jesus crying out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me.” I feel anguish and pain as I replay these words through my mind again.

I see Jesus' pain was so deep. His body was beaten and battered beyond recognition. I can only absorb a tiny peace of the deep pain He went through. I know beyond a doubt that He was in major pain but my mind can not fully wrap my brain around the intense pain.

I also have begun to see that along with physical pain Jesus suffered major emotional and spiritual pain. Jesus was fully God and fully man which in my mind means that even Judas' betrayal hurt Him a lot. He knew that Judas would betray Him but the fully man part in Him tells me that He felt the pain of betrayal as we would feel it.

When God turns His back on Jesus I sense again deep pain. I hear it as Jesus cries out “My God, my God why have you forsaken me.” I hear immense pain and at the same time I see that life without God is about as awful as life can be even worse. Jesus' anguished cry keeps going through my system.

For years I believed that God was real. I for some reason did not figure out the way to be in relationship with God though. I did not know how to seek God with all of my being.

As much as I hated to be divorced I am grateful as well. At my lowest point I found myself talking with my heart to God. I began a serious walk with the Lord at that low point in my life. I have found the peace I was searching for in a moment of despair.

These days I don't want to ever walk alone again. I know the painfulness of walking alone on my own steam. In my world I never felt wanted, special or even intelligent. Then I began my walk with God and I have never felt so wanted and special. God gives my life definition and meaning. My definition is God everything for God and about God and nothing about “me.” The more I give my “all” to God the more alive I feel.

Some people seem to point out I take my belief a bit too far. As the saying goes though “Jesus died for me and that is pretty serious.” At this point in my life I do take my faith very seriously. I want to offer the “hope” I have to others especially a hurting soul.

The Bible teaches us that we are to “love God with all our heart, all our soul, with all our mind and with all our strength.” I try to live a life that filters everything first through God's eyes. When I can do this I find peace, acceptance and love.

My goal is to lift “all of me” up to God and give my best to God. As I learn to give my life to God I find God teaching me to be the person He wants me to be and in that I find I like this person.

Some people struggle with my faith journey and the seriousness of it. Some people respond to my faith walk. I make people laugh, I reach out to a friend who is sick or hurting. Junior and I have two friends this past month come by for a visit and we provided a place of rest for them. I like that we can offer them a quiet place when life is crazy.

I like ministering to others. I like stepping outside of “me” and living for another person's good. This is where I find God reaching out to me and when I reach out as I receive God's love I find the circle of life to be complete and full.

God has given me life and now I want to offer the “hope” I have. Have you accepted Jesus' gift of the cross.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 17 2014

May 17 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I am back from my morning walk. Today it is going to be hot and the heat challenged me. I am in my sit mode until I get my energy and breath back. Junior is a sweetheart and is making lunch for us today. Life is so sweet.

My doctor didn't want me to use a walker because I may become too dependent on it. At this point I know I can't do the amount of time I do without the aid of the walker. I also don't feel stable enough to walk with just my cane up the hill and back down again. When I begin to tire I find myself stumbling more so I will continue to use the walker for exercise at this point.

I don't need it in the house or when I am shopping and such. I do get a buggy whenever I can. We were at a store recently and the buggies were all taken so I walked around with just my cane. I had to sit down in short order because I was wore out. So I need help and I'm OK with that.

My son called me on his own last night and I was thrilled. He has been worried about how he will take care of Junior and I as we get older living 10 hours away. We talked for an hour about the plans Junior and I have put into place for our older years. M wants me to move back to MI if something happens to Junior. At this point I'm not sure I will. We have money set aside for the time we may need help in caring for each other or ourselves. That comforted my son. Next I told him his cousin is moving out here to be near her Mom and us. She is like a daughter to Junior and I and I am sure she will care for us as needed. That comforted my son. So I told him to ask his questions and I will be frank with him about our plans.

He is worried about his father and mother-in-law. Neither one has a sound financial plan in place for their retirement years. He kept saying how much he appreciated our preparations. I like that when we need him he can come and be a comfort and not be wrapped up in the day in and day out business of our being cared for.

I believe he will also be willing to help my niece out when the time comes. I don't think he will leave everything for her to deal with. We will see. We started this conversation and hopefully he won't hesitate to ask more questions as they come.

After 17 years the fall out from my divorce from his father is settling and I don't have to keep explaining myself. I've attempted not to but at times when he asked I have to admit I did try.

These days I think he gets it. It is what it is and I am sad but I can't change the past and all I can do is go forward. He is accepting all of this at last.

I have come to terms that my daughter may not ever come back into my life. I still pray for her and pray for a day we can let the past stay in the past. If it does not come in my life time I am accepting of that.

My niece fills that daughter roll for me. They let Junior and I come alongside of them and help the way we help out. They don't expect money and they are happy with us helping them paint, odd jobs and such. I called my niece on Mother's Day because I am generally down in the dumps that day. I feel like a failure as a mother even though I tried my best.

I am proud of where I am these days. I did not get here on my own though. God has taken me step by step to the point of where I am at now. I have many more changes and frankly knowing I am not alone I find myself willing to keep tackling life. The more I change the way God wants me to change the more content I am.

My marriage grows sweeter by the day. My writing career is taking off and I love putting into words the lessons I have learned. Our home is now the clean home I have kept in the past and life is truly sweet. Thank You Lord!

My eyes are still blurry, my new glasses have not come in yet. I have found a craft I can do with such poor vision and I am loving it. I am coloring things, wooden crosses, paper products and it works for now. As I get my new glasses my doctor has said that I should see like I have in the past so I hope to pull my tee shirt quilt out again and begin working on that.

I also am in prayer about what “ministry jobs” God wants me to be involved with. I attempted one more time to go back to folding bulletins and it did not work out. I am done with trying to make that work and I wait more on the Lord. He will make sure my life is full and rich and give me what I can handle. That is a huge comfort these days and I trust to wait on the Lord. It has been a process.....now I move forward and that is awesome.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet.

May 15 2014May 15 2014

May 15 2014

Greetings My Friend,

When we first moved to VA and bought this house we thought we would attempt to hire the work out for the renovating process. Once we started looking we found that getting contractors was next to impossible so Junior undertook the challenge. He isn't the handiest of men but he was willing to learn.

Sometimes he has to tear down what he built several times before it is just right. His patience is a marvel to me. He will work and learn until I'd give up but not Junior. Add back problems and balance issues due to a missing foot and I marvel at my man. The process is slow at best. Sometimes it is hard for me to be patient. A little conversation with God usually settles me down and I am not nagging my guy.

Junior has been working on the kitchen for months now. Included in his working on the kitchen he has built another shed, emptied the porch and other such things. The slow process of renovating is at a snails pace at times. During all of these distractions new ideas begin to form and we get a better idea of the footprint we want in the kitchen. We often state had we had the work contracted out we would more than likely be changing things to fit our needs more so.

Junior has put a set of book shelves in the dinning room. When I got up this morning he had emptied some of the shelves of “stuff” and has put cook books in their place. As I walk by I begin to think that the shelves could hold canned goods. I am toying with how to make this work and look attractive at the same time. It is a new plan for me to puzzle through. I love this process so it is a good fit.

After the kitchen is done we have a master bedroom we want to do along with a master bathroom and we'd like to open up the new enclosed porch to the TV area. I want these done sooner than later. I'm at the end of my renovation rope. God will help me to accept the pace Junior needs to work at and in the end the house will be just what we need.

The slow process has allowed me to see how I want to move around in the kitchen and that helps me cook more. Even though the kitchen is not finished there is enough order that I am once more in the kitchen making food again and loving it. Junior treats me to Sunday dinner so I have my time off moments as well. It is summer and making crock pot soups and such does not hit the spot. I am making dinner salads and omelets and loving it. Come winter I can see me making soup again. I love soup on a cold winters day.

The season of unrest is leaving our lives steadily these days. Routines are forming and I have energy again. I still wear out but now I am able to work around those moments. Junior is enjoying the picked up nature of our home and that makes me happy. He does not like spotless but he does like picked up. I am being the woman I love to be by cooking and taking care of our home along with having a writing career. Life could not be sweeter.

I realize that life is a journey and faith is a journey as well. These journeys take us on many different paths. My journey right now is into old age and a body that is not what it once was. I fell apart physically for a few years and now step by step I am finding my “footing” once more.

For the first time in my life I have not begun to think about the next home. I want to stay in this one. This home is the one God led us to and I marvel at how right and perfect it is for us. Everything is on one floor, no steps to deal with. We have a step to go up on the way in and that is it. We have a beautiful view to take daily walks in and that is precious.

In MI there is Heinz Park that we loved to drive through on our way here and there. Today our everywhere is that view we had as we went through Heinz Park. God led us to this perfect for us place. It has been a journey and at times very hard. Today though we are thrilled with the new life we have in the new to us state. Our home is so “us” that I marvel. It has been worth each step to reach this day.

I also learn again that God does not take struggles away but He is always near helping, guiding and holding us. To me it is worth each difficult step in the end. I also find a more confident “me” and I like that. Of course my confidence isn't in my abilities as much as God gives me the courage to step out in faith.

How is your journey in life? Are you asking God to guide your steps? Is it time?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 13 2014

May 13 2014

Greetings My Friend,

Owning a computer has taught me to accept the things I can change and change when I have to. We bought a storage drive to save all my posts on. I've been saving to the storage drive and now the drive is not working. So goes saving for down the road.

I'm now writing another blog for the one I can't retrieve. Learning my way around my smart phone and computer is a challenge at best. I have wanted to take a class or have someone step beside me and show me how do things. When we were in MI last month a nephew was kind enough to get me moving. By the time we went home I had learned how to download different applications. I figured out a few more applications on my computer. I am not where I want to be but I am further than I was.

Junior had such a smile on his face the other day as I walked along the country road behind him. He turned around to let me catch up to him and his smile was contagious. Junior has spent decades trying to live a healthy lifestyle. He has taken supplements and exercised mainly for his back but as the years went on for his health. His back is such that I believe he would be wheel chair bound by now except that he has kept at his exercises. Junior is in his late 60's but he looks like he is in his late 50's.

The minute we married Junior started putting supplements near my dinner plate and in my heart I think these have helped work through some of my health struggles. I have always exercised to some extent throughout my adult life. I am in my older years and I am having some issues but in my heart I believe I could be worse had it not been for supplements and keeping in shape the best I could. Most people tend to think I am in my 50's as well. It works.

My body is not the active body of years ago. The computer allows me to use my brain function and I think this helps me stay in tuned to the goings on in life. I push my body as I am able. A few short years ago a half hour walk was a piece of cake. Today it is a challenge and I am content with what I am doing.

I believe by staying fit I am honoring God as well. He gave me this body and I feel that I want to care for this body as a way of saying “Thank you.” I also believe that by taking the best care I can of myself I also will enjoy life more and even longer.

Staying true to Junior is another gift I strive to give back to God. The first time I thought that no one would want me and he was my ticket out of all the abuse I lived through at home. I jumped from the frying pan right into the fire with that marriage. The second time I married I took my desire to God way before we met, when we met and as we married. I strive to ask God daily to teach me to be the wife Junior needs. It works and I've never been happier.

I woke up as Junior was getting up the other day. I marvel at my man. Animals love Junior like no tomorrow. He walked around loving on each animal, one by one. He talked to them tenderly, rubbed them and then went onto the next animal. It was precious since we have 7 dogs and 4 cats. Each one was given a few minutes of love.

Junior also corrects each pet as needed. Right now Bella is learning that we don't want her to potty in the house. I marvel at Junior's patience with her. I hear his tone of disappointment and I watch him carry her to the puppy door each time he finds a mess. The harshest I've seen him get is to use a rolled up magazine and make a loud noise with it more than use it on the animal.

Junior teaches me so much. He is not aware of all the things I have learned living beside him. I see his gentleness with the animals and I also see his gentleness with me. Junior also has a tender heart and as he discerns others in need he will do what he can do.

J was a lonely looking kid walking down the railroad tracks smoking one day. Junior started a conversation with the young man and a little while later he asked him if he wanted a job. Junior needed help with renovating our home. He told the young man that he could not pay a going wage but he set a price and J accepted the offer. It was his first job. J had never worked and more than like would not have found a job. He was going to be another generation living on government assistance. We stepped beside this young man and mentored him. We finally told him we ran out of money to keep paying him. J went home and sat for a while. Then all of a sudden he went off to truck driving school and today he is driving a truck for a living.

There were moments we weren't sure we had gotten through to him. We knew we did what we could. Today to say that we are as proud as punch would be putting it mildly.

God wants us to reach out to others. That part has been hard to learn. At first I said God's name as often as I could when I was in public. As I read my Bible, prayed and walked alongside of other Christians I began to “hear” my direction and calling.

Jesus did not save every person he met. Jesus did not heal every person either. This has sunk in and today I am able to “hear” God directing my steps. One day at a time and one step at a time I walk this journey of faith.

Are you listening to God?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 10 2014

May 10 2014

Greetings My Friend,

One more issue has been found out to my decline. I do have a mild case of COPD. My doctor doesn't think it will get real bad and that comforts me. I do recall Mom and her turning blue etc. I won't get that bad due the fact I never smoked and I left 2^nd smoke 17 years ago. At present I will use an as need inhaler and an inhaler to maintain lung function. It works.

I asked for a walker with wheels and my Doctor wants to wait to see if the inhalers will allow me to walk longer without out being tired or out of breath. I was encouraged as to the possibility that I can walk longer and I may not be as tired as I have been in recent years.

My nephew had back surgery yesterday. He is out and doing well. He said when he woke up that he was in less pain than before the surgery. He has been off of work for a while now. He has enjoyed being home more with his wife and children.

His faith journey has gotten a bit stronger and I told him that this accident may be a blessing in disguise. The pain has been unbearable for him but in the meantime the closeness he has had with his family is priceless.

He is looking into another position that will give him more time with his family. I was so proud to hear this. I sense the closeness in his relationship as well and it makes me happy for them.

Sometimes our journey with the Lord is confusing. Why would God allow....an accident that keeps “me' in pain? Why would God allow my children to pull away from me when I tried my best to be a good mother? Why would God.....

As the years go on though I begin to see God's hand for my betterment in many of the hard situations that life bring my way. I did not want my former marriage to end. I wanted him to stop the abuse he was doing. I even prayed asking that our marriage be saved. Many years later I see the blessing in the harshness of divorce. It was hard to be single again after 24 years. I felt so lost and alone and at that low point I began my faith journey in earnest.

The hard parts were there still but I did not feel alone. I felt a hand guiding my steps as I learned to pray asking for help. I felt a peace as I met and married Junior. I feel God teaching me to be the wife Junior needs and I am letting go of what I'd like to be as a wife.

God placed writing on my heart at a tender young age. I tried my hand at writing when my children were young. I needed an immediate income to supplement the family income so I found a job.

As I married Junior God guided my writing path. I started writing Junior letters each day before I went to work. He came home 3 hours before I did in the evening and this was my way to greet him and give him a hug. It worked and Junior loved my letters.

God taught me to tell Junior what I admired and respected in him. For me the letters kept me focused on Junior's good qualities and not on his bad traits that could drive a wedge between us. I was aware of his flaws but his flaws did not consume me.

A friend stepped beside me and mentored me so I could find my “style” in writing and it gave me confidence to write more. Then an opportunity to help put out a newsletter came along and I did that for a while. As I retired I felt God telling me to write “Letters From Janet” about my faith journey. I have done that for 6 years or now.

Last fall my cousin taught me how to write on Twitter and to manage it on another program called Hootsuite. I am growing in this. I can't seem to find the energy to do any volunteer work or even work part time outside our home. I can write and keep house. I can work at the pace my body will let me and I am about as content as I can be.

Learning to “hear” God takes time. I also need to speak to God often. I need to read the Bible often. In that I can then begin to hear the Holy Spirit's prompting.

As I have learned to pray to the “Father, to the Son and to the Holy Spirit” separately I have learned to “hear” God's voice in my life. Sometimes I ask God to show me a sign and sometimes I step out in faith. As things work out well I learn to discern God's voice from my own wants.

As I re read this I realize again that I am on a journey. These days though I am not as lost and lonely and in pain like I was at one point in my life. God is very real in my heart and I truly want God to stay there.

Whose voice do you listen to?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 8 2014

May 20 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I am praying through Jesus' last hours on the cross. Once more I am at the point of Jesus crying out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me.” I feel anguish and pain as I replay these words through my mind again.

Again I see Jesus' pain was so deep. His body was beaten and battered beyond recognition. I can only absorb a tiny peace of the deep pain He went through. I know beyond a doubt that He was in major pain but my mind can not fully wrap my brain around the intense pain.

I also have begun to see that along with physical pain Jesus suffered major emotional and spiritual pain. Jesus was fully God and fully man which in my mind means that even Judas' betrayal hurt Him a lot. He knew that Judas would betray Him but the fully man part in Him tells me that He felt the pain of betrayal as we would feel it.

When God turns His back on Jesus I sense again deep pain. I hear it as Jesus cries out “My God, my God why have you forsaken me.” I hear immense pain and at the same time I see that life without God is about as awful as life can be even worse. Jesus' anguished cry keeps going through my system.

For years I believed that God was real. I for some reason did not figure out the way to be in relationship with God though. I did not know how to seek God with all of my being.

As much as I hated to be divorced I am grateful as well. In my lowest point I found myself talking with my heart to God. I began a serious walk with the Lord at that low point in my life. I have found the peace I was searching for in a moment of despair.

These days I don't want to ever walk alone again. I know the painfulness of walking alone on my own steam. In my world I never felt wanted, special or even intelligent. Then I began my walk with God and I have never felt so wanted and special. God gives my life definition and meaning. My definition is God everything for God and about God and nothing about “me.” The more I give my “all” to God the more alive I feel.

Some people seem to point out I take my belief a bit too far. As the saying goes though “Jesus died for me and that is pretty serious.” At this point in my life I do take my faith very seriously. I want to offer the “hope” I have to others especially a hurting soul.

The Bible teaches us that we are to “love God with all our heart, all our soul, with all our mind and with all our strength.” I try to live a life that filters everything first through God's eyes. When I can do this I find peace, acceptance and love.

My goal is to lift “all of me” up to God and give my best to God. As I learn to give my life to God I find God teaching me to be the person He wants me to be and in that I find I like this person.

Some people struggle with my faith journey and the seriousness of it. Some people respond to my faith walk. I make people laugh, I reach out to a friend who is sick or hurting. Junior and I have two friends this past month come by for a visit and we provided a place of rest for them. I like that we can offer them a quiet place when life is crazy.

I like ministering to others. I like stepping outside of “me” and living for another person's good. This is where I find God reaching out to me and when I reach out as I receive God's love I find the circle of life to be complete and full.

God has given me life and now I want to offer the “hope” I have. Have you accepted Jesus' gift of the cross.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 6 2014

May 6 2014

Greetings My Friend,

One more issue has been found out to my decline. I do have a mild case of COPD. My doctor doesn't think it will get real bad and that comforts me. I do recall Mom and her turning blue etc. I won't get that bad due the fact I never smoked and I left 2^nd smoke 17 years ago. At present I will use an as need inhaler and an inhaler to maintain lung function. It works.

I asked for a walker with wheels and my Doctor wants to wait to see if the inhalers will allow me to walk longer without out being tired or out of breath. I was encouraged as to the possibility that I can walk longer and I may not be as tired as I have been in recent years.

My nephew had back surgery yesterday. He is out and doing well. He said when he woke up that he was in less pain than before the surgery. He has been off of work for a while now. He has enjoyed being home more with his wife and children.

His faith journey has gotten a bit stronger and I told him that this accident may be a blessing in disguise. The pain has been unbearable for him but in the meantime the closeness he has had with his family is priceless.

He is looking into another position that will give him more time with his family. I was so proud to hear this. I sense the closeness in his relationship as well and it makes me happy for them.

Sometimes our journey with the Lord is confusing. Why would God allow....an accident that keeps “me' in pain? Why would God allow my children to pull away from me when I tried my best to be a good mother? Why would God.....

As the years go on though I begin to see God's hand for my betterment in many of the hard situations that life bring my way. I did not want my former marriage to end. I wanted him to stop the abuse he was doing. I even prayed asking that our marriage be saved. Many years later I see the blessing in the harshness of divorce. It was hard to be single again after 24 years. I felt so lost and alone and at that low point I began my faith journey in earnest.

The hard parts were there still but I did not feel alone. I felt a hand guiding my steps as I learned to pray asking for help. I felt a peace as I met and married Junior. I feel God teaching me to be the wife Junior needs and I am letting go of what I'd like to be as a wife.

God placed writing on my heart at a tender young age. I tried my hand at writing when my children were young. I needed an immediate income to supplement the family income so I found a job.

As I married Junior God guided my writing path. I started writing Junior letters each day before I went to work. He came home 3 hours before I did in the evening and this was my way to greet him and give him a hug. It worked and Junior loved my letters.

God taught me to tell Junior what I admired and respected in him. For me the letters kept me focused on Junior's good qualities and not on his bad traits that could drive a wedge between us. I was aware of his flaws but his flaws did not consume me.

A friend stepped beside me and mentored me so I could find my “style” in writing and it gave me confidence to write more. Then an opportunity to help put out a newsletter came along and I did that for a while. As I retired I felt God telling me to write “Letters From Janet” about my faith journey. I have done that for 6 years or now.

Last fall my cousin taught me how to write on Twitter and to manage it on another program called Hootsuite. I am growing in this. I can't seem to find the energy to do any volunteer work or even work part time outside our home. I can write and keep house. I can work at the pace my body will let me and I am about as content as I can be.

Learning to “hear” God takes time. I also need to speak to God often. I need to read the Bible often. In that I can then begin to hear the Holy Spirit's prompting.

As I have learned to pray to the “Father, to the Son and to the Holy Spirit” separately I have learned to “hear” God's voice in my life. Sometimes I ask God to show me a sign and sometimes I step out in faith. As things work out well I learn to discern God's voice and my own wants.

As I re read this I realize again that I am on a journey. These days though I am not as lost and lonely and in pain like I was at one point in my life. God is very real in my heart and I truly want God to stay there.

Whose voice do you listen to?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

May 3 2014

May 3 2014

Greetings My Friend,

“Love the Lord with all your mind, with all your strength and with all your soul.” This thought rolls around in my brain again and again. So what does this look like? How can I love with all my strength? How can I love with my mind? This lady is at her questioning self again.

I wonder why questions always roll around inside of me. Can't I “just do it”? No for some reason questions are front and center more often than not. I can get upset or I can roll with it. Lately I roll with the questions and I don't beat myself up due to them. It is a part of who I am.

As I begin to break this passage down in my thoughts I start to understand the heart message God keeps wanting from me. He wants me lock, stock and barrel. I can't focus on God & money. It does no good. I soon begin to focus on money more than God. I need to trust God to provide my needs. I want to have control and control gives me a sense of safety.

So I've done the controlling route and did it work, not really. I tried to control the words that came out of my mouth, control my ex only he controlled me more so and on and on.

I thought if I followed the right set of rules I'd find the peace I was looking for only what was the right set of rules? I began observing people to find “normal” to find out none of us is “normal.”

As I entered into the workforce I watched others to learn how to get ahead at work. I learned to dress for success. I dressed in business clothes and still I did not feel like I had arrived. I moved up a bit and at some point I realized the more I moved up the more I needed to come in real early and stay late. I wasn't excited about that since I had a family I wanted to engage with. I held back on the move up the ladder routine.

When Dad was in the hospital with cancer Mom thought that demanding attitudes would help Dad. I found people not wanting to deal with her so I tried the softer approach. It kind of worked. I was able to get Dad's needs met quicker than Mom did with all her anger flaring. I felt my way was better. Was it? Dad got cared for quicker but was it really better. I think it was different and that made me feel superior for a moment anyway.

As I entered into a faith journey I found Agape love. That is the love I learned from God as He loved me. He always sought my highest good. I got plenty of “no's” but as I learned that those “no's” were for my good I was willing to change old patterns.

The more I strove to seek another person's good the less control I seemed to need to have. God works on you that way. The more you focus all your being on Him the more you find yourself changing. The more I changed the more I found myself liking “me.” I began to be comfortable in my own skin.

As I continued a daily prayer time with God I began to open up about the deep wounds inside of me. I even cried a few times and felt God's tenderness on me. As I felt accepted as I was the more I was willing to let go of old patterns and habits.

Today I am not the fearful person of my past. I have confidence and it feels good. This confidence I have is not in my own steam but it comes from God loving me and seeking my highest.

Today I get “all my mind, my strength and all my heart.” It is learning to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on the world. I have learned to let go of owning stuff for the sake of owning stuff. I strive to seek my needs and to let go of my wants. Some days I have to sort through what a true need and a want is.

I have hypoglycemia and I need to eat every 3 – 4 hrs. As I find that each time I need to eat that there is food available at home or the opportunity to get food when I am out I marvel at God's provision.

I am in a season of seeing poorly due to cataracts. I learn in this season many things. I understand more fully a persons inability to see. I find I have more compassion and I like this in me. As I struggle with arthritis pain I am more sensitive to people's pain. So I learn in seasons of discomfort.

As that season passes and some won't I begin to have compassion on a deeper level. I understand and then I strive to meet another persons needs. So some of the seasons of hardship are for my good. I like that. Are there hard seasons where I wish it would end? Yes there are but I also know that season will pass and I am not alone. I find that I am braver when I know I am not alone.

Arthritis is not going to ever go away completely. I have also learned to deal with the pain earlier and that pain is not as strong as often. I know when to take a pain pill and I don't need one all the time. So this season won't pass but God has taught me to deal with it. This pain no longer overwhelms me and I mange it.

My daily prayer times and Bible study time helps me to be so focused on God that I find little else filling my brain these days.

Where is your focus?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet